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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be sat here crying at the thought of putting my baby in nursery

386 replies

pinkyp · 17/10/2011 11:21

my 2nd ds is 10 months, i've just gone and got myself a good job only problem is they only had full time available. I start next week. I'm sat in floods of tears looking at all the nurerys online - they dont look good enough, cant bare the thought of going to one, no one will be able to look after him like i do. What about when he's being naughty they wont love him they'll dislike him for being naughty.

I feel like running away, tempted to go get in bed and hide. Please help me get a grip.

OP posts:
peppapighastakenovermylife · 20/10/2011 09:00

Mine have been in nursery for years. The other day I went to pick them up and my DS (14 months) was upstairs having his nappy changed. If you imagine a large old house he was in a room upstairs and I could hear everything. There is no way the nursery nurse could have known I was there - someone else let me in. I stood at the bottom of the stairs listening while I waited.

I was nearly in tears - it was so sweet. She was laughing and playing with him and blowing kisses at him and he was squealing in absolute delight and shouting yeah yeah yeah. When they appeared he had a huge grin and she looked so happy.

It was not put on. In a good nursery they love babies. They play with them, entertain and cuddle them. My daughter always manages to be firmly on someones lap when I arrive!

Robotindisguise · 20/10/2011 09:00

Pinky - if your mum's going to be flaky I really would exclude her from your formal arrangements. It's just storing stress up for the future otherwise. I know in a perfect world it would be nice if she were involved but I'm not sure it's going to work out judging by your above post.

cory · 20/10/2011 09:25

Few small babies in childcare in Scandinavia, trying, but plenty of toddlers. Let's remember that the OPs ds is not a newborn baby either.

And even the babies are not necessarily spending all the time with their mum which jasmine takes as the only viable option: it is parental leave: all the couples I know have shared it out between them. So the one-and-only-bond -with- mummy isn't really applicable.

TandB · 20/10/2011 09:33

That's nice for shared-care parents to be allowed to exempt themselves from criticism.

I am sure they all feel entirely validated by that permission.

They were probably terribly worried before.

NinkyNonker · 20/10/2011 10:01

This thread is falling into the predictable camps, those who do use nurseries presuming that those who don't have nothing in their lives outside of their babies and as such are desperately clinging onto them vs those who do use them being evil baby haters who have never heard of Bowlby. How dull.

BoffinMum · 20/10/2011 17:03

Not true, I made the point that it is all a lot more commonplace and straightforward than polarised views would suggest.

Robotindisguise · 20/10/2011 17:38

I know you shouldn't refer between threads, but jasmine I've just seen you saying elsewhere your husband earns, and I quote, "LOADS". Easy to have principles about women who work with small children when there's no reason for you to do so...

jasminerice · 20/10/2011 17:54

Robot, my DH earns enough for me not to have to work now. When my DC's were babies, he didn't earn anywhere near as much. We went without holidays, treats etc for years.

So get your facts right before you go quoting things out of context.

I stand by what I have said all along. I think young babies need to be with their mothers and I think it is totally wrong to put a young baby in full time childcare, however nice the carers and environment.

I have noticed on threads such as these how the working mums seem to need to resort to hurling personal insults at posters holding my pov. They never seem able to remain calm, rational and impersonal. They can't attack my pov because they know deep down I'm right, so they attack me personally instead. It's water off a ducks back. I know I did the right thing by giving up a good career to look after my children. There's nothing anyone can say to me change that.

TandB · 20/10/2011 18:07

And that is exactly the point, jasminerice. No-one here has had the rank arrogance to try to change your mind, or even to suggest that you did the wrong thing for your family.

Unfortunately you don't seem to be able to return that courtesy.

And no, people don't 'know deep down' that you are right. You are not omniscient. You don't know everything about everyone. Suggesting that you do is just plain foolish.

For about the millionth time, what is right for one child won't necessarily be right for another. I look forward to the day when everyone can get their heads round that idea, and then people might not feel the need to go on the attack about other people's choices rather than simply being content with their own.

PointyBlackHat · 20/10/2011 18:19

And jasmine, my DH and I went without too - no treats, no meals out, one essential old car, no foreign holidays. We still both had to work to keep a roof over our heads and food in our mouths. It is incredibly offensive to assume that households where two parents work only do so to afford frivolous luxuries, which seems to be what you are implying in your last post.

You did what was right for you and your child - so did the rest of us. Now get over it.

callmemrs · 20/10/2011 18:20

I think your last sentence is the only true word you've spoken Jasmine. You definitely won't shift- you are totally fixed in' your belief that young children need to be with their mother and no one else will do.
Just be aware that it is only that - ie your belief. It does not make it true. And saying that deep down anyone who has a different opinion really knows YOU are right, just makes 'you look very stupid.

That's lovely for you that you wanted to give up your good career to be at home. Fabulous. Worked for you. But stop sniping at women who chose to do things differently and have raised happy families while also working. It simply makes you look insecure about your decision.

Original poster
pinkyp · 20/10/2011 19:05

New job is a no-go unless dh goes pt. Not using my mum for any childcare but this means i'll only be earning £50 more a month compared to my current job. What do you think about dh going pt? I'm a bit wary incase this job doesn't last or they get rid of me after the trial etc.

OP posts:
Robotindisguise · 20/10/2011 19:05

Actually, Jasmine, I don't work full time and I don't use a nursery. But I thought your first post on this thread was disgraceful.

But I accept if you had to go without to stay at home with your children you were at least putting your money where your mouth is

Dialsmavis · 20/10/2011 19:07

But Jasmine you are the one who deliberately came on to a thread where a woman was upset about having to go back to work and tried to make her feel as bad about it as you could manage. I hope you haven't encouraged such cruelty in the DC you have raised, maybe they would have been better off with some kinder more compassionate influences in their lives. Also for many people the choice to be a SAHM or not is not about giving up treats or holidays it is about paying the mortgage and feeding the DC.

HeidiKat · 20/10/2011 19:12

I haven't had time to read the whole thread but just wanted to let the OP know I am in the same sort of position, I go back to work in a couple of weeks and my 10 month old DD is going to a childminder. I've been to her house and met her and she seems lovely but I have the same feelings about leaving DD, she can be a very fussy eater and I worry that she won't eat a thing for the childminder but I suppose I won't know until I try it, I have cried at the thought of leaving her though, its only natural when you have spent practically every waking moment together for 10 months.

Northernlurker · 20/10/2011 19:13

Pinky - is the new job a big step up in your career? Is it going to get you further than your current job?

Jasminerice - I know........ deep down......... in my heart......... that you're.....wrong.

PointyBlackHat · 20/10/2011 19:14

Pinky how does your dh feel about going p/t? It's understood that you are the higher earner out of you two, but does his job allow for him to go p/t? How confident do you feel about this new job, and how long is the trial period?

Not trying to bombard you with questions, just trying to crystallise everything. I do feel for you, you have so much on your plate right now - have a Brew.

Original poster
pinkyp · 20/10/2011 19:19

It's totally a new job for a new company, normally I work in retail and this new job is in manufacturing. I'd be earning just over 2k more than dh but actually only bring home £90 a month more than him. It was him that suggested going pt, I'm just worried if I hate it or find the job too hard or get pregnant etc. The trial is 3months so seems a bit risky?

OP posts:
helpmabob · 20/10/2011 19:22

Frankly you can't win no matter what you do/have to do. My in-laws think I am a crappy mum for not putting my dc in nursery under three despite the fact that I am a sahm and there was no need to. They thought it was vital for development. As I took dc to loads of playgroups and the like I held firm (not to mention the fact that who the hell can afford nursery if you are not working).

So to neither condemn nor applaud nursery you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.

helpmabob · 20/10/2011 19:22

pinky could you wait three months to do the trial before your dh makes decision to go p/t?

callmemrs · 20/10/2011 19:36

I think only the two of you can sit down and sort out the detail pinky.
Just remember to factor in things like pensions. Its not all about the immediate money in your pocket. Many parents me included worked for several years for no immediate financial gain - but because of the long term benefits. I know it's really hard when you're doing a hard weeks work and feel you're handing over all your income to the childcarer, but a few years later down the line I am very glad I never gave up work.

Proudnscary · 20/10/2011 20:58

Jasmine you will be teaching your children dogmatic, one-sided, ill-thought-out attitudes and opinions and possibly narrowing their horizons. What will you say if your daughter has a career she loves and wants to be a working mum?

Anyway can I just say CHILDMINDERS DO NOT PROVIDE ONE ON ONE CARE! I keep saying this, it's usually one childminder to 4 or 5 children. About the same as at a nursery. And if they are picking and collecting some of those kids up from school nursery, they are not providing more quality time with dc. I am not knocking CMs or any one type of childcare, I'm just pointing out a fact!

scottishmummy · 20/10/2011 21:12

Jasmine folk are disputing your emotive pejorative hand wringing.if you do have a point it's lost in all your name calling.it's indeed you who is casting aspersions upon others and feeling as you say sickened.so don't play the woah what did I say card.

MollyMurphy · 20/10/2011 21:27

Well lots has been said but I just wanted to add OP that I was also in tears before my son started nursary (I think I posted a similar thread-lol!) and I too was told to get a grip....and I did! Our nursary is working out fantastic - I feel like my son is really flourishing. I put him down in the morning to take off his coat and he's off like a flash playing with the toys. The first few weeks were hard but now its just routine.

We get up extra early to have family cuddles for 30mins before we start the day and just focus in on our time together in the evenings and on weekends. So it can be good. I love being back at work and we NEEDED the money so its a huge relief financially. Don't despair - research your nursary/childminder really well and give it some time.

Wishing the best for you - I definately empathize.

MollyMurphy · 20/10/2011 21:32

Jasmine - well I'm glad your a happy mum, but you shouldn't be so self-congratulatory that your husband makes enough for you to stay home...that has more to do with him than it does you. You have the good fortune to not be in the position of needing full time childcare - great. We use full time childcare so we are in a position to pay our bills and lead a decent life...not because we have a penchant for trips and great clothes. I'm just saying -full time may not be ideal but its a reality for many (most) people. Less unrealistic pressure for people to not work and more focus on the availability of quality childcare I think would be more productive.