to be sat here crying at the thought of putting my baby in nursery

[pinkyp]

my 2nd ds is 10 months, i've just gone and got myself a good job only problem is they only had full time available. I start next week. I'm sat in floods of tears looking at all the nurerys online - they dont look good enough, cant bare the thought of going to one, no one will be able to look after him like i do. What about when he's being naughty they wont love him they'll dislike him for being naughty.

I feel like running away, tempted to go get in bed and hide. Please help me get a grip.

And sorry, OP, for the way this thread has been hijacked. I'm pretty guilty of that myself. Just to make the point - YANBU for feeling the way you do, it's normal and many of us working parents feel it. It does not however mean that you (and we) are evil, unfeeling and uncaring for going ahead anyway. It also does not mean that women who look forward to going back to work and enjoy their lives without going through that leaky post-baby-in-childcare phase are evil and uncaring.

Don't be too hard on her. I am not sure jasminerice has ever really encountered nurseries and people that use them, tbh. Obviously women (or indeed men) don't go around with silly smiles on their faces over-compensating through 'qualidee time' for leaving their children with non-family members during weekdays, and obviously children and carers in most nurseries build up family-like bonds a lot of the time, otherwise it would be a fairly disastrous setup, with children turning out wrong left right and centre, and everyone regretting it. Not to mention children forgetting who their parents actually were, which patently doesn't happen.

We've been tracking the outcomes of nursery attendance particularly closely in this country since about 1997. As it happens, there seems to be no particular disbenefit to children and probably some actual benefit, particularly in cases where mothers have minor or greater degrees of postnatal depression and so on, or if parents are poorly educated themselves or have disorganised domestic lives. As all nurseries are registered and closely monitored, we also know that in statistical terms, adverse events and accidents are probably less frequent than in children's homes. There may be a delayed effect for older girls in particular, in that we think they might be more likely to do well at school if they see many women engaged in the workplace in different ways.

So the reality of today's nurseries is a lot more prosaic and commonplace than many people would like to think. It's just another place that some families go, depending on what care arrangements they feel they would like to make, what they can afford, and what is available in their area. And that's all it is.

My own feeling on the OP's predicament is that there is a very good reason not to use nursery in her case, and that is that she feels very upset at the thought of leaving her child, so it seems to me that she is simply not ready to and she should reconsider her position. However suggesting that this means nurseries are a defective form of care is not a logical conclusion to be drawn in this instance.

sickened are you jasmine.oh dry your eyes.save your heartfelt angst for children who have inadequate care,no positive regard,inadequate nutrition and dont bandy quasi-quacky theories about attachment about,as it makes you seem a bit prone to hyeperbole and froth

developmentally the key is consistency,positive regard,and emotional availability all of which working mums can achieve

and yes i am proud all my achievements undertaken at work.v proud not only do i derive personal and vocational satisfaction.i get to use at work for benefit of others too

Callmemrs - I've commented on that particular phenomenon on another thread where women were being bashed for not feeling guillty about something or other.

A lot of people do seem to have the rather odd view that if you are not constantly wallowing in guilt and angst, you simply aren't a "proper mummy". I suspect it is some bizarre attempt to keep other women down by people who have big hang-ups about what they perceive to be their own inadequacies or failings. After all, if all other women are screwing up, that just makes you normal, right?

Its a double guilt whammy. If you don't feel guilty, you should feel guilty about not feeling guilty.

I'm happy with my choices. So happy I couldn't give a toss about what other women choose.

the presumption of maternal guilt is flawed.working mum guilt,ive never experienced it.at all. certainly others have erroneously opined upon it for me
" you must feel so bad dropping widdle ones off at mrs hannigans nursery"

errr no,not at all

i positively derive considerable satisfaction from work and contributing.and chose an excelelnt nursery so no need to worry

Oh wow. I'm amazed at the patronising post by jasmine. I'm putting it down to immaturity

Excellent funny responses though.

I have 3 gorgeous, independent, confident DC. I used nurseries for all. You'd have to meet them to know this. You might do one day, if you need a teacher, lecturer and (< she's too young to know what she wants to be)

I love and adore them and always have done. (jasmine you're way off mark on that, you silly moo)

They are proud of their mum (not mummy).

I wonder how the tiny babies need their mumsy wumsy brigade ever cope when their baby wabey grows up. Is it really about your baby or your own status in that child's life?

any chance you could hold out for part time?

I trashed my career by going back part time - I wouldnt have it any other way

3 days a week was just enough to get by (only just) but I had 4 days of being mum and they had a great time at nursery with their little pals for the 3 days I worked

in my opinion its really worth being skint to work part time or not at all, but only you can decide what you can afford. Glad you have found a childminder that you feel happier with. But I am sure you DC would be happy in the nursery for 2 days.

good luck

there's always one fuckwit who goes to far! Very funny responses

too

thanks 4 the advice re bf rubyroo. Enjoyed the hi-jack, cheered me up .

Got another 'issue' now :/ mother has now declared she'd rather not have ds2 on a morning, i said ok i'll ask the cm in the meeting if she is available and i'll find out about holiday/breakfast club for ds 1. She told me not to bother sending ds1 to any clubs and they'll go pick ds2 up together from cm. WTF? May not be able to take job, need to re-think everything!

Aaaargh, pinky! Big-time sympathy!

This is why working mums need professional childcare - relatives work well when it works, but the commitment has to be there... Hope you get something sorted soon!

Thank u! I am starting to feel half ok ish about working ft too rather than bursting into tears every 2 mins.

Agree with pointy. Don't let your mum dictate YOUR childcare. Sort out proper professional care and then YOU call 'the shots. Your mum will only get 'you wound up again just when you were feeling good with your decision!

I think the tears are normal (see Pointy's soggy confession waaaay upthread) but it does pass. You sound like a really well attached warm loving parent and so your baby will be just fine.

FWIW - I still remember coming to pick up DD1 after her first day of nursery. She saw me, lifted her arms with the hugest smile and that was that - and she had spent the whole day eating well, sleeping well, playing happily and only crying in the runup to naptime, which was her normal routine at home and her cue for tiredness. Nursery staff had been briefed by me and knew what to do - (hug her until she went down, took 2 minutes) and did it.

I felt soooo much better.

I also found out that DD refused to take her expressed milk warmed and wanted it straight from the fridge instead - discovery by very engaged nursery staff, and it worked. Oddly enough DD2 was the same .

Thank u pointy - tbh i expected alot of grow up/get a grip/you are the worst mum ever comments, but all were lovely - even t'old jasmine gave me a laugh

I hope it goes well tomorrow - let us know :)

Jasmine - eh? You're supposed to bond with the little feckers? Really? Well, that must be where I've been going wrong. They've bonded with the dog, I thought that was enough. No-one told me I was supposed to bond with them too. Ah well, too late now. Back to the day orphanage with them tomorrow while I get on with more important things and leave them without a second thought or backwards glance.

Interesting how you think dads are irrelevant.

Good luck tomorrow OP! It will be tough, but will get easier. Soon you'll both be happy as Larry with the new arrangement.

Please correct me if I am wrong, but don't parents in Scandanavia get 18 months of parental leave? With the result being that there are hardly any babies in childcare. And didn't a previous poster say that hardly anyone used long hours of daycare in Spain.

I will also be donning a bonnet fairly soon. It will be three years later then planned, but I don't feel that really matters. My ds knows that I will be a doctor 'who knows a lot about very little' but hopefully he will also have learnt that family and care are important.

And again, it is not reasonable to conflate parents who don't want their BABIES to go to nursery with precious moments mumsy wumsies who will never let their children go. I waved my ds happily off to preschool when he was three and my dd rather more hesitantly when she was 2 (and still, I felt too young, but it was a compromise I felt justified). I think group care is great when it is developmentally appropriate.

I also think couples where both parents work part time are great, in fact the best solution if doable, and they should in no way include themselves in the criticism of nurseries for babies.

If it's any consolation, I went to nursey full time from 6 months and can't remmeber a thing about it.

Your child won't remember who looked after it in its early years so don't worry.

I hope you didn't mean to imply that families who use nurseries for younger babies aren't teaching their children about family and care, tryingtoleave.

'he will also have learnt that family and care are important'
Oh please! Can we give it a rest with the assertion that parents who use nurseries for babies are therefore bad parents and don't care? It simply makes you look foolish.

X posted Annie. Yes of course that's what she means to imply - unpleasant isn't it?