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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to want DSD to spend Christmas day with us ?

198 replies

Tillyscoutsmum · 04/10/2011 12:38

I was going to post on step parenting but I'm feeling stupid brave, so here we go ......

DSD will be 8 this Christmas. We have her one night in the week, every other weekend and half the holidays. DH assumed when he and his ex first separated that they would alternate Christmas. However, when he asked about it (6 years ago), his ex got quite teary and said she didn't feel she could be apart from her dd on Christmas day.

So, for the last 6 years, we've had dsd from about the 19th/20th December, gone off to visit grandparents etc. and then dropped her back to her mum on Christmas Eve afternoon. We have our own "Christmas" with her at some point during those days.

DH is now starting to feel that he would like to have her for one Christmas Day whilst she still believes in the whole "Santa" thing. She has two younger half siblings here and we feel that she would really enjoy the whole Christmas morning present opening etc. with them. At the moment, she spends the day with her mum and her grandparents. There are no other children and, from what she has said, its a bit of a staid affair.

DH doesn't want to rock the boat. He and his ex have a very amicable relationship and everything works well. On one hand, he feels that we have our dc's and therefore get to enjoy the whole "magic" of Christmas and if his ex didn't have her dd with her, it would be quite miserable. At the same time though, he does want to experience it with dsd and, in reality, there is probably only a couple of years where she will still "believe".

What do you think ?

OP posts:
Groovee · 04/10/2011 12:40

A family member had to go to court and the judge awarded that he got his son from 3pm Christmas Day to 3pm Boxing Day. This now happens every year but he's been asking to come on Christmas Eve now he's older and his mum is refusing to listen. Very hard. My brother always had Boxing Day with his daughter.

iMemoo · 04/10/2011 12:41

Sorry but I think yabu. What does dsd want?

squeakytoy · 04/10/2011 12:41

I think, (as a stepmother myself) that it is a very difficult situation.

Although my stepchildren were older, (teens) they never came to us on Christmas Day as their mother insisted they had to be with her. Our solution was to have Christmas Day again a couple of days later.. with the kids round at ours, and their grandparents on my husbands side.

BluddyMoFo · 04/10/2011 12:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GetOrfMo1Land · 04/10/2011 12:44

I think that it would be very fair to ask. It is a shame that your DH doesn't get to see her on Christmas day.

Could you at least have it so you have her half a day - either she stays on xmas eve and goes to mum's at midday xmas day, or you pick her up a midday on xmas day and she goes back boxing day?

It would be nice for your DH to have all his children together on christmas day.

ChaoticAngelofSamhain · 04/10/2011 12:45

YANBU For many years my ex and I used to split the day. They'd spend the morning here and then he'd pick them up between 12-1 and then drop them back off between 5-6. That way they got to see both of us.

Original poster
Tillyscoutsmum · 04/10/2011 12:45

iMemoo - to be fair, we haven't asked her. I'm pretty sure she'd want to come to us because there would be lots of children around (her brother and sister and cousins) but I don't want to put her in that position in the first place. If we are going to do it, I want her mum to be happy with it without her hand being forced by dsd iyswim ?

OP posts:
GetOrfMo1Land · 04/10/2011 12:45

He does sound kind, he sounds like the kind of chap who would ask in a pleasant way.

It is rather unfair that the mother has the child every christmas day during her childhood. She needs to see that, really.

cestlavielife · 04/10/2011 12:45

can see your point, but you do have other dcs and maybe by having seprate xmas day for DSD she gets more attention that way.

it is just one day - it is important for his ex to have it with dd and this has been the routine. for six years. why change now?

GetOrfMo1Land · 04/10/2011 12:46

Why do you think that it is unreasonable memoo?

I also think that it would be unfair for the child to make the decision who she spends christmas with.

gordyslovesheep · 04/10/2011 12:46

yes - what does DSD want? to be blunt it's what she and her parents want and agree

it would break my bloody heart not to see my three on Christmas morning - it's not going to happen anytime soon - my ex comes round and has lunch with us and then has them boxing day

over my dead body would he and his gf get them Christmas eve and morning - if that makes me a selfish cow so be it - and IF they asked to go there I would have to lump it - but until then - I am Father Christmas

DizzyCow63 · 04/10/2011 12:48

We always alternated with ex (until last Xmas), DSD would spend Xmas Eve with one and wake up there on Xmas Day for 'Santa' presents then would go to the other later on in the day for Xmas dinner. Worked well as means we all got to see her on Xmas day, but obviously this only worked as we all lived close, distance would be an issue.

By last Xmas DSD was living her and was reluctant to see her mum, so only went for an hour in the afternoon. This year she won't see her at all unless hell freezes over between now and then! Angry

Pandemoniaa · 04/10/2011 12:49

Right from the outset, ex-h and I split Christmas Day. He'd have them overnight on Christmas Eve and I'd drive over and pick them up to take them home at lunchtime. We don't eat till well after 3 anyway and it gave my ex a chance to do the stockings thing and enjoy some of Christmas with them. Sure, the driving around (only 5 miles admittedly) could be a pain but it seemed only fair that both parents got to see the children on Christmas Day. Same went for DP who'd always see his children at least for a while on the day.

Now, as grown-ups, all the children and stepchildren who are in the country and not actually coming for lunch, arrive later in the day for a lazy, relaxing and convivial evening. Something that I'm sure was helped by never making Christmas a battleground between the various exes.

GetOrfMo1Land · 04/10/2011 12:50

It does seem fairer to split the christmas day between both parents (obviously only really achievable if you live withjin a resaonably close distance).

marge2 · 04/10/2011 12:52

Totally down to DSD as far as I can tell!!

jellybeans · 04/10/2011 12:53

I would stay as things are if they are amicable and just have Xmas eve as your 'Xmas'. Because a good relationship with the ex is worth so much. I have seen bitter with DH and he wasn't allowed to see his Dad at all. I see so many bitter exes at war. I always thought if me and DH split up I would hope we share special days i.e. half each. But you never know till you come to it.

LydiaWickham · 04/10/2011 12:53

I think it would be fair to have one year with her. but if you ask her, at 8 she might think she has to say "with mummy" because she will think of Mummy being on her own, and Daddy has you and the other DCs, even if she wants to spend Christmas with you.

You could do the half day split, Christmas Eve with you, then Christmas morning, back to her mum for 3pm, so they can still have a christmas tea and time to play there with the pressies Father Christmas left at that house.

4madboys · 04/10/2011 12:54

the single parents i know either do what pandemoniaa did/does if they are close enough or they alternate years.

i dont think you are being unreasonable to ask at all, it sounds like you have a good relationship ish with the dsd mother, hopefuly she wont mind if you ask politely, she can only say yes or no, if its yes, then thats great, if it no then you have to think whether you would be wanting to persue it anymore of just leave it be :)

Original poster
Tillyscoutsmum · 04/10/2011 12:55

Distance is an issue. We live close to dsd but her mum spends Christmas at her parents and, if we were to have dsd, we would spend it with my in laws (MIL is desperate to have her there one year because she is the only grandchild "missing" on Christmas day Sad). In laws are in South Wales and her mum's parents are in Staffordshire, so probably too far for a middle of the day handover.

OP posts:
GetOrfMo1Land · 04/10/2011 12:55

if you ask her, at 8 she might think she has to say "with mummy" because she will think of Mummy being on her own

That is why I would think it would be unfair for her to have to make a decision.

The mother is not on her own, she is with her parents.

4madboys · 04/10/2011 12:56

sorry but i dont think its just down to stepdaughter i think the first step would be to ask her mum and if she says YES, then ask the child, letting her know her mum is fine with it, rather than putting pressure on her to choose between her two parents.

CardyMow · 04/10/2011 12:56

Ugh! If your DH goes to court - she would be ORDERED to let him have Christmas. But it's fecking AWFUL, especially if she has no other dc. I HATE hate hate every other christmas, when DS1 is at Ex-H's. Despite having 2 other (3 this year) dc, it still doesn't feel 'fully' like Christmas for me unless ALL my dc are together.

It's Ex-H's year to have Christmas day this year (it is court-ordered that we have alternate christmasses, one has Xmas day, one Boxing day, and vice versa the following year). DS1 is going to miss out on seeing DS3's first Christmas. But on the flip side, next year when his SM has her baby, he will be here and miss his half-sister's first Christmas...

I think he should ask, and if she gets all teary and upset, point out that he has been MORE than reasonable (I've had to have alternate Xmas's since DS1 was 3yo), and if he did feel so inclined to go to court, he would get Cristmas day in a heartbeat due to the unfairness of her having had your DSD every year for 6 years.

nenevomito · 04/10/2011 12:57

My DH never got his DD on xmas day as his ex wouldn't let her come. It broke his heart every year as even though they did do stuff with each other to make it special on another day, it just wasn't the same as having the whole excitement of Christmas and Santa coming to daddy's house.

A child has two parents and I personally think its fair that both parents get the chance to spend a Christmas day with their children.

So no, YANBU as I know how hard it is.

GetOrfMo1Land · 04/10/2011 12:57

That is a shame re distance.

I think you should ask if you could have her, it is rather impirtant that this is the kind of thing which 'takes turns', so to speak.

4madboys · 04/10/2011 12:58

hunty if you want your son to see his brother first xmas why not ask if they will swop and then next yr he will be able to see his other baby sisters first xmas as well? obviously if you are not talking to them at all etc this wouldnt work, but it might be worth suggesting as you BOTH gain from it?