AIBU to want DSD to spend Christmas day with us ?

[Tillyscoutsmum]

I was going to post on step parenting but I'm feeling stupid brave, so here we go ......

DSD will be 8 this Christmas. We have her one night in the week, every other weekend and half the holidays. DH assumed when he and his ex first separated that they would alternate Christmas. However, when he asked about it (6 years ago), his ex got quite teary and said she didn't feel she could be apart from her dd on Christmas day.

So, for the last 6 years, we've had dsd from about the 19th/20th December, gone off to visit grandparents etc. and then dropped her back to her mum on Christmas Eve afternoon. We have our own "Christmas" with her at some point during those days.

DH is now starting to feel that he would like to have her for one Christmas Day whilst she still believes in the whole "Santa" thing. She has two younger half siblings here and we feel that she would really enjoy the whole Christmas morning present opening etc. with them. At the moment, she spends the day with her mum and her grandparents. There are no other children and, from what she has said, its a bit of a staid affair.

DH doesn't want to rock the boat. He and his ex have a very amicable relationship and everything works well. On one hand, he feels that we have our dc's and therefore get to enjoy the whole "magic" of Christmas and if his ex didn't have her dd with her, it would be quite miserable. At the same time though, he does want to experience it with dsd and, in reality, there is probably only a couple of years where she will still "believe".

What do you think ?

TillySM - that's great news! I hope that DSD's mum and your DH can work it all out so everyone is happy - hurrah! :)

Thanks I'm kind of hoping her new man is going to whisk her off somewhere romantic for Christmas

great news tilly and your dh sounds like a lovely and very involved father, its nice to hear that despite break ups some parents still manage to put their childs interests first which is clearly what you are doing :)

tilly i'm pleased that it looks like this is going to work out nicely for you all.

We do alternate Christmases here, but with one of us having DS Christmas eve/morning. We then do a drop off at the other parent. This works for us because we do all get on and will spend an hour having a drink together etc. This year it's my turn to have DS Christmas Eve/Morning. The years where I haven't had him here on the morning itself have been very hard for me.....but what is important is that DS is happy, and currently this suits him just fine.

(and we operate the policy that his possessions are his, he can take them to either home as he wishes. This means he gets to keep all his presents with him on the day and they eventually filter to whichever home he'd rather keep them in permanently)

littlemisssarcastic 'Genuine question, but why do some RP's refuse to share their DC on Xmas Day?'.... Erm.... because some of us have the misfortune of having ExP's who can't be bothered to make the effort to see their children even over Xmas. A better question might be 'Why don't some parents bother to see their dc even during Xmas'.

OP, YANBU, as things are amicable and the ex has a new man in her life, now is probably the best time to ask and I agree with the poster who suggested that your dh speak to his ex first before asking dsd whether she wants to come to you for Xmas, as a courtesy. It can't hurt to ask and like you say, it's only the one Xmas, I'm sure between you all, something can be worked out.

Oops, missed the update, (must read ALL of the thread). That is good news Tillyscoutsmum. Have a fine time.

You sound like a lovely bunch of people OP - hope it all works out for you all

theginganinja If you are in a situation where your XP can't be bothered to see your DC, either on Xmas Day or other times, you have not refused to share your DC on Xmas Day have you?? Your XP has chosen not to bother.

I can offer to share my sweets, but it doesn't mean others will have one??

This thread wasn't about why some XP's don't bother to see their DC, (even at Christmas) so that's why I didn't ask the question in that way.

FWIW, my XP is a feckless twat and picks and chooses whether to see DD or not, so I sympathise, but I would not refuse him access point blank based on how deeply he may have hurt me.

Great news-do hope it all goes according to plan.

Can't they spend Christmas eve with you then you drop them back at 12 on Christmas day or pick them up at 6 Christmas day them have them till boxing day night

I do feel sorry for DCs who have to fit everyone in and split their Christmas Day instead of just relaxing.

I think that adults could put the DC first and take turns rather than bundle them about like a parcel.

Exotic??!! Not relaxing really? No I suppose not DSS has to unwrap presents in the morning at one house then another set a few hours later at the other. It is the stuff of nightmares for children don't ya know

And the person (sorry forgot who and can't find actual post) who said that Stepchildren often have to leave things at one house and not allowed to take them back and forth between houses...codswallop (never used that word beford :) ) Well it is in our case anyhow.

OH wow OP - I'm so glad to hear that your DSD's mum is listening to what your DSD wants! I have to say - it would have pained me less had DS1 been 6yo+ when we started to alternate Christmasses, rather than 3yo. Maybe the mum (being a bit selfish, granted, but being a mum nonetheless) wanted the Christmasses while your DSD was really little, but now realises it may be fairer to share now that she is older?

I'm that you may well get your DSD for Christmas.

I have to say that I am at how many people would refuse to share their Christmasses alternately if their Ex-H had cheated. He cheated on YOU not your dc! I have been the child in that situation too, and you will be AMAZED at how much a young dc can pick up about not wanting to leave their RP alone for Christmas. And how guilty they will feel if they do. And how guilty they will then feel for not 'wanting' to be with the NRP...so conflicting for a child. Which was why I always swore that I would put DS1 first.

Think about who you are punishing, and then think again. And if you still can't see that you are punishing your dc by not letting them have a relationship with their father that includes everything that it would include if you were still together (like Christmas day, for example...), then think some more. Until you realise that you are NOT only punishing your EX, but also punshing your dc.

And no, giving birth to your dc does NOT make you any more deserving a parent than a Father. And no, your Ex cheating on YOU does NOT make him any worse a father. Even if he is an utter shitstain on the bottom of civilisation as far as a life-partner goes - he can still be a good father. If you let him.

Hunty, I was joking about labour etc giving me the edge.

I stand by my view that when someone has an affair, they stop thinking about their children's stability and security and what is good for them. For the duration of the affair, they become utterly selfish and focussed only on their own feelings and desires, to the exclusion of everyone else's. For me, that is completely incompatible with being a good parent. A good parent wouldn't put their dc in this position.

I guess it depends on what you think a good parent is.

Am glad things are working out for the OP and her dh though. The dh and his ex have done a good job because the dh cares enough about his ex to still consider her feelings, and the ex, although it will be hard for her is willing to respect her dd's view (as would I) and they both have raised a child who is happy and confident to express her preference without anyone making her feel guilty or obliged to be in any one place at Christmas.

Voddie - It was me that said about kids leaving one set of presents behind and going to another house without them. It's not codswallop in this house, it's exactly what happens.

When both parents refuse to let the children take things between houses because they never come back, this is what happens. Personally I would prefer to have my step children all day on Xmas day to see them enjoy their presents, enjoy having lunch with us etc. and then next year, let them enjoy that experience with their Mum.

Instead they literally open their presents and get told to put them in their rooms before being packed off to their Mum's for 10am and vice versa the next year because both PARENTS want to see their kids on Xmas day.

Whilst the kids do accept this situation, I KNOW that the kids would be happier with a whole day with each parent.

Ok your point is taken theredhen in regard to not taking toys but surely thats the point here, in your situation the parents are thinking selfishly IMHO. So what if the toys don't come back after all they are the childs!

Perhaps because DSS' mum and dad have both gone on to have children in other relationships that DSS wants to spend time with ALL of his sisters and brothers on xmas day (he is the eldest of 6 between the two families). We have no problem taking him or picking him up on xmas (20 min car drive and mum has no car) We also spend around an hour at his mums house both sets of families at the drop off/pick up time.

I personally think we have got it about right and the grown ups act like grown ups and allow the children to enjoy xmas with all of their families.

Hunty Totally agree with you.

Karma I stand by my view that when someone has an affair, they stop thinking about their children's stability and security and what is good for them. For the duration of the affair, they become utterly selfish and focussed only on their own feelings and desires, to the exclusion of everyone else's. For me, that is completely incompatible with being a good parent. A good parent wouldn't put their dc in this position.

I stand by my view that when someone prevents their DC from spending Christmas with the other parent, they stop thinking about their children's stability and security and what is good for them. For the duration that the parent feels justified in denying their DC because that parent is angry/hurt/will be lonely, they become utterly selfish and focussed only on their own feelings and desires, to the exclusion of everyone else's. For me, that is completely incompatible with being a good parent. A good parent wouldn't put their dc in this position.

Obviously, each relationship is different but as a general rule, I'd say that in both these situations, the parents are thinking of themselves and not their DC. One is not preferable or more justified than the other imo. Just as one parent cannot justify to me that cheating on his partner is acceptable, so the other parent cannot justify to me that keeping the DC with her every single Christmas, for no other reason than she will be lonely or she feels her XP doesn't deserve to see his DC on Christmas day, or she hates/feels angry at him, or she whines about being is the poor victim of his nastiness and why should she suffer??

Both parents in this situation are as bad as each other and the only people who have my sympathy are the children. Any sympathy I may have felt for a man whose wife divorces him falls away when I discover he cheated on her, just as my sympathy would disappear when i discovered the wronged wife is happy to see their children go without to satisfy a need for justice of some sort for the pain their XH put them through.

You see, I don't think the children will miss out if they spend every Christmas day with one parent, unless they express a desire to be with the other parent and it is ignored, or the rp lays a huge guilt trip on the kids to make them feel bad about being elsewhere. I stress that I would never do that. I do just believe it will be their 'norm' and they will be just as happy to spend the next day with the other parent. Obviously if the kids were unhappy with the situation, then the parent would be selfish not to change what they are doing. Until/unless that happens, then I think it is okay to do what makes you happy, rather than what your ex would prefer.

I disagree with you that both situations are as bad as each other.

Guess we will have to agree to disagree.

I think that you put the DC first and you let them have a relaxed Christmas with one parent and not feel guilty about it. The next year they go to the other parent and they don't shuttle around. The parent is the adult-they deal with the pain and keep it firmly away from the DC.

exotic are you in a blended family yourself?

Why I say this is that in our case it is NOT the adults that are thinking of themselves that there are other children involved that want to see their brither and he wants to see them on the day . Oe size does not always fit all. In the ever increasing "blended" family situations then each has to be looked at individually IMO

sorry that should read brother

Step family but not blended. I can see that if you have siblings then you might want to shuttle them around because they might want it. OP's DSD is the only DC when with her mother for Christmas and she always spends Christmas with her. It is best to get an outsider to ask the DC in a casual way so they can find out what they really want to do.