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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to want DSD to spend Christmas day with us ?

198 replies

Tillyscoutsmum · 04/10/2011 12:38

I was going to post on step parenting but I'm feeling stupid brave, so here we go ......

DSD will be 8 this Christmas. We have her one night in the week, every other weekend and half the holidays. DH assumed when he and his ex first separated that they would alternate Christmas. However, when he asked about it (6 years ago), his ex got quite teary and said she didn't feel she could be apart from her dd on Christmas day.

So, for the last 6 years, we've had dsd from about the 19th/20th December, gone off to visit grandparents etc. and then dropped her back to her mum on Christmas Eve afternoon. We have our own "Christmas" with her at some point during those days.

DH is now starting to feel that he would like to have her for one Christmas Day whilst she still believes in the whole "Santa" thing. She has two younger half siblings here and we feel that she would really enjoy the whole Christmas morning present opening etc. with them. At the moment, she spends the day with her mum and her grandparents. There are no other children and, from what she has said, its a bit of a staid affair.

DH doesn't want to rock the boat. He and his ex have a very amicable relationship and everything works well. On one hand, he feels that we have our dc's and therefore get to enjoy the whole "magic" of Christmas and if his ex didn't have her dd with her, it would be quite miserable. At the same time though, he does want to experience it with dsd and, in reality, there is probably only a couple of years where she will still "believe".

What do you think ?

OP posts:
Vallhala · 04/10/2011 14:02

Hunty, hats off to you. If I were in your shoes my ex and his DP would have been told to go to hell long ago!

4madboys · 04/10/2011 14:05

god she doesnt sound very reasonable at all hunty why one EARTH should you come back from being away to see the baby whilst its still in hospital?!! does it matter?!! clearly missing the point here, or else i am a neglectful mother as i didnt bring the younger two boys to see dd when she was in hospital after birth... oops neglectful me Grin

MrsDaffodill · 04/10/2011 14:08

I think he should talk to her but see if they can come up with a plan together. It seems that some of the logistical problems come from being at grandparents not your own homes, for example.

If they are both reasonable, and he paints it from a "can we figure this out together" then you never know what might happen.

My kids have more than once spent Christmas surrounded by husbands, ex-husbands, etc. One year my FIL had both his current wife and ex-wife, and his current wife's ex was there too. It is kind of weird but it also kind of works. And it does send a strong message to the kids, I think, that family love for the kids is a very important thing.

CardyMow · 04/10/2011 14:12

Val - My patience with them is sorely tried sometimes - but I let it wash over me for DS1's sake. It's only 9 years till he's 18yo...

Thumbwitch · 04/10/2011 14:18

I see Hassled has already suggested what I was going to - would it be beyond the realms of acceptability to invite your DSD's mum over for Christmas Day as well? Or would it be too uncomfortable? Even if they just come over for lunch and then head off to the grandparents for the afternoon, that would be better than nothing - or if she has to have Christmas dinner with her parents, why not come over for the morning to do presents and then head off to her parents with DSD?

THere are so many variations on this - your DH is being very understanding and caring of his ex's feelings but there are ways around it without depriving her of her DD's company - he just needs to bite the bullet and ask about it.

I do hope that you can find a way to sort this out amicably so everyone is happy. :)

Thumbwitch · 04/10/2011 14:19

Hunty - she sounds a bit strange, to say the least! Grin

CardyMow · 04/10/2011 14:24

If only what's on this thread was the sum total of her...strangeness...She was the OW BTW...When DS1 was only 9mo, Ex-H left us for her...

Ormirian · 04/10/2011 14:25

No harm in asking.

fedupofnamechanging · 04/10/2011 14:26

OP, if you don't mind me asking, why did your dh and his ex break up? If she left him, then it seems unfair that she also gets to deprive him of every Christmas with his dd. Otoh, if he left her, then it would seem unfair to me to also leave her without her dd on Christmas day. If it was a mutual, falling out of love and no ones 'fault', then I think it would be fair to alternate.

The ideal is to split the day or for one of you to have Christmas day and the other Boxing day. DD would probably like to see both her parents at Christmas.

Agree that MIL shouldn't stir it with your dh, if he and his ex are amicable. On the whole it is better to miss out on Christmas but get co operation on everything else for the rest of the year, than insist on Christmas but risk her being uncooperative the other 364 days.

Original poster
Tillyscoutsmum · 04/10/2011 14:35

Hunty Hmm What a nightmare ??

If I'm really honest, I don't think we or dh's ex would feel comfortable with the whole "getting all together" on Christmas Day. I appreciate it sends out a good message and things are amicable but more on the cordial side of amicable than the downright friendly side of it iyswim ? Grin

I think we might have to forget about MIL for a minute (she is lovely honestly and I do understand where she is coming from but you are right, we don't need any pressure from her) and look at having Christmas at home and see if we can do Christmas Eve and Christmas morning and then dsd go to her mums/grandparents for dinner and Christmas night. The distance is do-able for that if we are at home. We also aren't too fussed about making it alternate years - we just want one Christmas day/morning with her whilst she's still young enough to appreciate it.

Vallhala - I hear what you are saying about making assumptions and DSD has never complained about her Christmas with her mum and grandparents. Someone also mentioned that she probably likes the attention and I think she does but, at the same time, she has previously been oblivious to what we get up to at Christmas until recently (DD is now old enough to fill her in on all the details !). We do the usual silly stuff like making reindeer food, putting Santa "footprints" in the kitchen, hot choc, christmas film and christmas pj's on christmas Eve, manic present opening in the morning and last year, playing dancing/singing games on the Wii with all the children (there are 9 including cousins). She was a bit put out when she heard all about it Sad. I too spent Christmas with my mom, step dad and grandparents and felt really left out when I knew what my half brothers did with my dad & step mum. Maybe I'm just projecting though ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tillyscoutsmum · 04/10/2011 14:39

karmabeliever - you really do live up to your name Smile. On your basis, its not fair to deprive her mum of having her dd Sad

OP posts:
spottypancake · 04/10/2011 14:39

I would need more history to make a judgement.

eg: if your DH and his exW parted with mutual consent, then I think that it is reasonable to presume that Christmases would be split between the parents. Ditto if split was decision of exW.

However, if your DH left his exW, leaving her heartbroken and devastated then him having the child at Christmas would just be another stake through the exW's heart stemming from the DH leaving her in the first place.

I suppose I am looking at it from the mother's POV because as a mother, I can imagine how it might feel, not having my kids on Christmas day.

It sounds like the DSD would probably be OK either way, but it seems like in term time, she's with her mum 11 nights out of 14 so at the risk of being flamed, the mum does more parenting than the dad and the mum and daughter relationship might be closer?

BridgetBust · 04/10/2011 14:44

Christmas PJs only exist in MumsnetWorld - we never had them when I were a lass, or reindeer food (other than a carrot for Rudolph) or Santa's ruddy footprints, so it's not fair to assume that your whacky Xmas is any more enjoyable than DSD's with her mum.

Thumbwitch · 04/10/2011 14:48

I think after she has had her DD to herself all these years without any suggestion of a change from your DH, that it would be fair enough to ask this year. Your reasons are not selfish, they are for your DSD's benefit (ok, and your own DC but still) and it's only one year, as you said. If your DH puts it across like that, and that your DSD will go back to her mum halfway through the day, it might work.

But he has to ask! Clearly he feels guilty about it all (fair enough) but that's no reason to let his DD miss out on the fun because he's too guilty to rock the boat.

voddiekeepsmesane · 04/10/2011 15:01

Have been with DP for 10 years since DSS was 7. What we do is one year DP's EX will have him xmas eve and xmas morning the we will collect him around 11am and we would have him until the 27th. Then the next year we would swap around.

Mind you now that DSS is not far off 18 and has "wheels" he can decide for himself :)

4madboys · 04/10/2011 15:07

i am not sure why it is relevant if the op's dh left his ex or she left him?! they still share parenting, she may have the child more, but it sounds like they do have a her a reasonable amount and make the effort to make it a good relationship.

regardless of who is to blame for a break up its important that a child keeps GOOD relationships with BOTH parent (abuse etc excepted) and that imo would include sharing xmases.

op i dont think you are being unreasonable at all to ask :)

NatashaBee · 04/10/2011 15:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iamamug · 04/10/2011 15:40

My DSS is now 21 - for 19 years we shared Xmas - 1 year we had him overnight Xmas Eve so got the present opening etc and then dropped him off before lunch - following year he was here for lunch.

Although like Voddie he now has his own wheels he still alternates to keep it fair!! Bless him - total diplomat!

His 21st was wonderful - he just wanted a meal out but wanted his Mum there and his Dad - no problem... and his step dad... and his mum's current boyfriend!! (and all associated half siblings)
He is an absolute treasure - loves all his half brothers and sisters and has the luxury of being able to bail out of any house that gives him any grief and back to the other one!

I am firmly of the opinion that you negotiate these things fairly - and don't ever tell me that it hurts Mum more on Xmas day to be without her children.
I have seen my DH sobbing and just driving past DSS's house to catch a glimpse of him when not allowed visits during the week.

(It was a very bitter divorce - court needed to get overnight access etc - abuse mooted - court welfare officers appointed - that seemed a long time ago when we were all drinking together at his 21st!! - never saw that coming..)

Original poster
Tillyscoutsmum · 04/10/2011 19:46

spottypancake - I do understand your point although I was a little Hmm that if it was mutual, they should alternate Christmas and if he left her, she should have Christmas but if she left him, they should still alternate. Some serious double standards going on there ! However it happened, it happened 7 years ago and I don't really think it should make a huge difference now. For the record, her mum has her 9 nights out of 14, rather than 11 but again, I'm not convinced it should be a deciding factor.

Anyway, I've spoken to DH and I think he's going to ask her whether she would consider letting us have her this year, as a one off and on the basis we drop her back to her mums late morning.

Thanks again everyone

OP posts:
spottypancake · 04/10/2011 20:01

yes you are right re the double standards

I wrote it with the scenerio:

mutual
or he left her

and then only added the bit where she left him into the first category as an afterthought. IME (and I may be very wrong) when kids are little, it is usually husbands instigating breakups and so i didn't even consider the scenerio where she left him.

I may be very biassed as my H cheated on my when kids were 3 and 1. I couldn't have even considered doing anything other than changing nappies and keeping stuff going at home - that's why I think more men instigate breakups at that sort of stage as genearlly women are consumed with the kids. Anyway, H cheating on me was bad enough, to think about sending my kids to him and the OW at xmas was appalling. that's where I was coming from, sorry if not related to your scenerio.

Original poster
Tillyscoutsmum · 04/10/2011 21:19

Fair enough spottypancake Smile I'm sorry that happened to you Sad

DH did leave the marriage but the relationship had broken down and had been bad for years before he left. Them having dsd was an attempt to fix things and it obviously didn't work. There was no OW though and his ex knows that the marriage was crap. She admits that if DH hadn't left, then she would have ended it sooner rather than later (albeit, like you say, she was fully absorbed with her dd at the time, so it would have taken a bit longer).

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 04/10/2011 21:32

That being the case Tilly, I'd say the end of the relationship was more mutual. Even though he was one who called time first, it could just as easily have been her. When I said earlier about whose 'fault' it was, I was thinking in terms of one person having an affair, or something like that.

I think it would be okay to ask if you can both share the day. Hope it all works out so that no one is miserable about the outcome.

littlemisssarcastic · 04/10/2011 21:46

I have always been happy to alternate...Xmas Eve until Xmas Midday one year...and Xmas Midday to Boxing Day the next year.

I don't understand why some mother's are loathe to share??

FWIW, My XP is a complete twunt, but it's about what DD wants (or what I think she'd like atm) whilst being as fair and as equal as possible.

Obviously, if DD didn't want to go to XP's for Xmas, I wouldn't force the issue. Similarly, if she'd rather spend every Xmas Day with XP, I'd let her. She spent last Xmas Eve until Boxing Day with XP.

Genuine question, but why do some RP's refuse to share their DC on Xmas Day??

littlemisssarcastic · 04/10/2011 21:54

What difference does it make who left who? Isn't Christmas about the children? Or maybe I have got it wrong, and Christmas is actually just another way to remind your XP how shitty it was of them to break up your relationship??

I kicked my XP out...does that mean my DD should spend every Christmas with her father whether she wants to or not??

I have never ever heard of anyone deciding who the DC should spend Christmas day with based on who left who in the relationship!! Leave the relationship politics to the adults and let the kids get on with enjoying a very special time of year maybe??

2gorgeousboys · 04/10/2011 22:00

In the 12 years since DH and his ex w split he has never seen DSS on Christmas Day. DH has asked to have him for a couple of hours/alternate etc but no joy. We have DSS Boxing Day and also New Years Eve.

It's not ideal and DH missed seeing all his children Christmas Day but we try and make Boxing Day special and do Christmas again with dinner, presents to open (I save some presents back for everyone so we can all open presents together Boxing Day morning which also prolongs the mad present opening frenzy!).

ExW has married again and has another child but it has made no difference to DH being able to see DSS.