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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want DSD to spend Christmas day with us ?

198 replies

Tillyscoutsmum · 04/10/2011 12:38

I was going to post on step parenting but I'm feeling stupid brave, so here we go ......

DSD will be 8 this Christmas. We have her one night in the week, every other weekend and half the holidays. DH assumed when he and his ex first separated that they would alternate Christmas. However, when he asked about it (6 years ago), his ex got quite teary and said she didn't feel she could be apart from her dd on Christmas day.

So, for the last 6 years, we've had dsd from about the 19th/20th December, gone off to visit grandparents etc. and then dropped her back to her mum on Christmas Eve afternoon. We have our own "Christmas" with her at some point during those days.

DH is now starting to feel that he would like to have her for one Christmas Day whilst she still believes in the whole "Santa" thing. She has two younger half siblings here and we feel that she would really enjoy the whole Christmas morning present opening etc. with them. At the moment, she spends the day with her mum and her grandparents. There are no other children and, from what she has said, its a bit of a staid affair.

DH doesn't want to rock the boat. He and his ex have a very amicable relationship and everything works well. On one hand, he feels that we have our dc's and therefore get to enjoy the whole "magic" of Christmas and if his ex didn't have her dd with her, it would be quite miserable. At the same time though, he does want to experience it with dsd and, in reality, there is probably only a couple of years where she will still "believe".

What do you think ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tillyscoutsmum · 04/10/2011 13:00

Her mum has also just started seeing someone (only for a couple of months but she has introduced him to dsd so hopefully it will be long term). That's another reason why I think this year might be a good one to ask ??

DSD did mention a few weeks ago that she would like to have Chrismas morning with dd and ds but that she couldn't because her mum had told her that Santa only knows to deliver her presents to her (maternal) grandparents house Hmm.

OP posts:
ShoutyHamster · 04/10/2011 13:01

How about you suggest that your DSD opens presents with her mum while your lot open SOME presents early (so they're not waiting around EXPLODING with excitement) then your DH and the children go and pick up DSD (armed with a gift to DSD mum??) and she comes to yours for a couple of hours present-opening with her siblings, say 10.30-1? Then home for Xmas lunch with her mum and grandparents.

Your lot could save the best presents for when she is there, perhaps even have two stockings each, etc.

It would be a start, and open the possibility to DSD mum of her DD spending some of the day with her siblings. It might help set up a new tradition of sharing the day in some way so that when DSD is older, she doesn't upset her mum by suddenly insisting that Xmas at home is boring and she wants to be with her siblings and cousins...Perhaps this might be the way to go with it when discussing it with DSD mum.

If you all get on ok, it might work well. FWIW I think it's harsher for DSD mum to go without her child on Christmas Day if that means she has no child at Christmas at all, though I see your side too.

Good luck!

GetOrfMo1Land · 04/10/2011 13:03

I think from your last post tilly she probably wouldn't be open to sharing DSD at christmas.

Which is a shame - obviouslyt the last thing you want is to have to force the issue, but she needs to be a bit more reasonable.

sunshineandbooks · 04/10/2011 13:03

Difficult one. Based on Tilly's OP, I think it's totally understandable and given that the DSD has siblings at her DF's house, it would be a good experience for her I think.

Sometimes I can take the opposite view. I get really fed up with 'disney dads' who don't put in anywhere near the same effort as the mother in terms of money, time, practical effort, love and care, yet seem to expect rigid 50/50 fairness when it comes to the high spots of being a parent. In this case, however, the DF seems like a really good dad who has tried very hard to respect the mother/daughter bond and not make life harder for his XP, and he sounds lovely. I'm sure his DD would have a wonderful time with him and Tilly.

HAve you mentioned it to the X? You know she'll get teary, but would she actually be against it? She may completely understand where you're coming from and think it's a good idea despite the fact that it probably would spoil her Christmas.

MAybe a compromise like someone suggested above, where she stays at yours overnight to have the whole present-opening morning together, but goes back to her mum for Christmas dinner?

Good luck. You sound lovely and thoughtful and I'm sure you'll come up with a workable compromise.

4madboys · 04/10/2011 13:04

she said that santa wouldnt know where to deliver her presents if she wasnt with her?!! god thats cruel :(

cat64 · 04/10/2011 13:07

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Chandon · 04/10/2011 13:07

I think it is ENTIRELY up to your H and his XW.

I would not push for it.

Sewmuchtodo · 04/10/2011 13:10

YANBU. However can you imagine not seeing your dc's att all on christmas day?

Could you all have christmas together? DSD saty with you on christmas eve then her mother and new partner come for lunch? A friend of ours does this and it works for them (not sure i could to be honest).

onefatcat · 04/10/2011 13:12

It would really be fair if she spent it with each parent in alternate years.
HOWEVER! if dsd's mum is on her own and she doesn't have a partner or other children it seems rather cruel to to take that time away from her, after all, your DH has a new family and other children to spend Christmas days with.

Original poster
Tillyscoutsmum · 04/10/2011 13:15

Chandon - It is up to them. DH is really in two minds on whether it is "fair" and suggested I ask MN. Its not me pushing honest (although I would love to have her and I know dd would love her to be with us).

DSD's mum is very reasonable and very unselfish - she always has dsd's best interests at heart and I know if we did ask (and dsd was keen), then she would allow it. I think our (DH's) issue is whether its fair to ask. He worries that the enhancement to his (our) and possibly dsd's Christmas day will not be enough to outweigh the deterioration in his ex's if that makes sense ?? He doesn't want to risk causing any bad feeling.

As a child, I was always with my mum on Christmas Day. DH, however, alternated between his mum and dad (hence some pressure from MIL, as she doesn't understand why we don't alternate).

OP posts:
Original poster
Tillyscoutsmum · 04/10/2011 13:16

sewmuchtodo - that is exactly how I feel. The thought of not having dc's for Christmas devastates me Sad

OP posts:
minimisschief · 04/10/2011 13:22

Never ever ever make a child have to make a choice between which parent to please

it is totally unfair and an awful situation to be put in.

either do one of three things

-firstly just ask if it is ok
-invite the mother and daughter to christmas
-split the day between the two of you

or if you want to go there and none of those things work because the mother is too selfish, go to court and ask for alternating xmas.

BridgetBust · 04/10/2011 13:23

OP, OP's DH and his Ex-DW all sound lovely! I think MIL is being unreasonable - she is lucky enough to have most of her grandchildren at Christmas but she wants her ex-DIL to be without her DD at Xmas!

OP - as you have your two dc with you on Xmas morning, would you really want DSD's mum and her parents to not have any children there on Xmas Day? I think you should leave things as they are.

Original poster
Tillyscoutsmum · 04/10/2011 13:32

Thanks everyone for responding... and no bun fight - hurrah ! Grin

I'll read through the thread again later with DH and see if we can come to any decision.

OP posts:
cat64 · 04/10/2011 13:35

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jellybeans · 04/10/2011 13:36

I think Shoutyhamster had a brilliant idea about splitting the day.

WRINKLYOLDPERSON · 04/10/2011 13:39

First year my DSD and DSS spent Christmas day with their mother and Boxing day with with us. When DP took them home, she said matter of factly, I suppose it will be like this every year, he told her straight, no it won't they will be with us Christmas day next year and we will alternate. Put your foot down.

titchy · 04/10/2011 13:41

I think you shoudl ask dsd's mum, and I don't buy all the 'but she's on her own' arguments AT ALL. Apart from the fact that she is not on her own - she has a new dp, and her parents, given that it is only just October she has plenty of time to make other plans. Hell maybe even go away for Xmas with the new man.

Presumably dsd will grow up at some point - shoudl she continue to be obliged to spend every Christmas with her mum becuase she's on her own? (I am the grown-up version of the dsd who has spent a lifetime feeling obliged to consider the fact that my mother is ON HER OWN and thus all Christmas arrangements must be made with this in mind. Me, bitter...! Grin

ShoutyHamster · 04/10/2011 13:43

Oh sorry, I posted before seeing your post on the distance.

I think it probably is time that your DH had a conversation with his ex about it. If she is reasonable, it may not be too bad. Could there maybe be a jolly drive to Staffordshire early on Boxing Day, with all the children? Not something you want to start a tradition of doing, but maybe worth it this year to help the adjustment? Then in two years time, when you had her next, maybe both of you could stay in your home city for Christmas/Boxing Day to allow for time spent at both houses?

It does strike me that actually, were it not for the GRANDPARENTS getting to host Christmas at THEIR houses, it would be easy for your DSD to see both her parents on Christmas Day. Maybe a good sugestion would be that your DSD mum consider hosting her parents at hers, to allow her daughter to see the rest of her family, likewise you stay at home. Far, far more important than pleasing grandparents!

One thing though - it's definitely not your MIL's place to put pressure on. Nowt to do with her at all.

Hassled · 04/10/2011 13:43

If things are amicable with the mother and it's just the mother and grandmother, why don't you invite them for Christmas Day? I have ExH most years - it's fine. He makes the cocktails. Has made life a lot easier for the DCs we share - although they're adult now so it's less of a big deal.

CardyMow · 04/10/2011 13:49

Because either they won't agree, or they will then want him for the next 2 Christmasses in a row, which I am not prepared to do (I have asked...). They are cutting their nose off to spite their face, really, as next year they ARE going to ask me to swap for their baby DD's 1st Christmas (Good at future telling I am - because this is how it went when SM had their 2yo...), and be pissed off when I say no!

Plus, the way I am trying to stay sane look at it is that DS3 will only be 11 months old this year, and still won't 'get' Christmas - whereas next year, he will be almost 2yo, and it will be much more fun...Grin.

Only thing I am worried about is that SM's baby is due 7 days before DS3's 1st Birthday, she has been exactly 7 days over with all her dc, and Ex-H & SM will EXPECT DS1 to be dropped off with them to visit in the hospital as soon as baby is born. But IMO, he's NOT missing DS3's 1st birthday party!!

Vallhala · 04/10/2011 13:49

Nothing can be said until you know what the child's wishes are and take them into consideration (note I didn't say that you should do as the child wants!).

But FWIW I'm a the only child of a lone parent. I spent every Christmas with my mother and my maternal Grandparents - and I loved it and wouldn't have gone elsewhere even at gunpoint. Don't be too quick to assume or paint the picture of your jolly celebrations with your own children vs dour ones spent with just mum and Grandparents for company. :)

4madboys · 04/10/2011 13:55

ah i did think things werent great when you said about court agreed access etc, its a shame that she wouldnt be amicable and swop hunty but you are SOO right your ds3 wont 'get' xmas this year, but he will next year and thats much more fun! Grin and i dont see why you should rush to drop ds off as soon as the baby is born, makes no difference if he sees it at a few hours old or a few days old when he id DUE to visit, its still a newborn!

CardyMow · 04/10/2011 13:56

When her 2yo was born, I was 'being unreasonable' for going away for 3 days with the dc, during MY week, at the end of August, a week AFTER her due date, which resulted in DS1 not being able to see his half-brother in the hospital. As if I should have run MY life around HER Due Date (when DS1 was with THEM!!) and the following weeks. We were over 100 miles away, and had travelled by TRAIN, and our return tickets were for a set day!!

And DS1 went STRAIGHT to their house from the train station - I couldn't have DONE more than that.

CardyMow · 04/10/2011 13:59

We even have to split his birthday (thankfully it's ALWAYS in the Easter hols from school!) and alternate Easter and Halloween!

This year it's MY Halloween, and we are having the Halloween party to end all Halloween parties. Imagine going trick-or-treating with 16-20 other dc...Grin.