DH and Lapdancing club

[ChocolateWineAndShoes]

Hi all,

I am new here but thought I would jump in the deep end and post in AIBU as I genuinely don't know if I am being unreasonable or not! I suspect I am, so feel free to give it to me straight

My dh went to a mutual friend's stag do over the weekend. As a general rule he's not really into going out with the boys all that much, he's pretty much a homebody. But I talked him into going - he wasn't that keen but he works hard and we have a 4 year old and an 11 month old so I thought he could do with a night off to have fun.

Here is where I am not sure if IABU or not....I made a joke about them going to a strip bar, which is really not his thing. He said to me that he really hoped they wouldn't as he wouldn't be comfortable there. I then said that it would be ok with me as a one off for someones stag do, as long as he didn't get any dances.

Well, you can all guess where they ended up of course. As soon as my dh walked through the door yesterday morning I asked how it went and he then asked me how much I wanted to know. I told him to tell me everything... So, after a long night boozing they ended up going to this bar. Dh says as soon as they turned up outside he realised what it was and his heart sank. But he didn't want to be a party pooper and he went in with them. Apparently the groom-to-be had multiple 'private' dances as did most of the stag party. Only my dh and one or two others didn't have any dances. I asked if he was approached by any of the girls but he said no as he pretty much spent the night either outside smoking or playing on his phone sitting at the back while the stag party propped up the bar surrounded by the girls. The only time he even spoke to any of them was when he was smoking and 2 of the girls came out for a break. One asked him for a cigerette and asked if he had a dance yet. He said no, no offence but it's really not his kind of thing and she said ok, and went back to her friend. My dh said he felt really sad as she looked so young.

Aaaaaanyway, (sorry for the essay!), they eventually left and went back to the hotel. Now, when he told me this I was fine and thanked him for telling me (I have no reason to doubt his version of events btw, although I am aware I may have some posters doubting him ). He was really shocked at the groom-to-be, and didn't know whether to tell me in case it puts me in a position with his fiancee. I actually suspect she won't be bothered.

But here's my issue. Despite me initially saying I wouldn't mind if he ended up at one of those places, I am actually feeling a bit upset by it. I don't know why. I do believe he had no dances, without question. He is not an 'ogler' and he's not the type to have his eyes on stalks. He is very respectful in regards to women. So what is my problem? I am a bit insecure from having a baby 11 months ago, and knackered from being a sahm and still bf-ing so maybe that would explain it?

So AIBU to feel annoyed with him? I don't really want to talk to him today but I know that I have no right really to be a bitch as he didn't do anything wrong. But I feel hurt and I have no idea why.

Aaaaarrggghh! Come on then, slap some sense into me!

Sounds like your DH and mine would enjoy going out together... smoking, playing on their phones, not really that interested in scantily clad women etc.,

YANBU to feel 'meh' but YABU to feel 'meh' at him.

However, I remember when my boys were smaller, I'm also a SAHM, and I felt insecure for a long time, I felt frumpy and not very sexy at all. The thought of DH having eye candy, whether he was interested or not did rile me (and DH works with scantily clad hot women rather often!) and exaserbated my own feelings towards me, in turn I DID resent him.

You know its unreasonable to direct your 'miffedness' at him don't you? But I understand perfectly why you'd feel that way. Its valid you know. Even if its not reasonable. Just don't have a go at him, he's been very upfront and honest, and you ASKED for him to tell you. Now stop torturing yourself!

YANBU to be upset. You can't help how you feel and I wouldn't like my dh to go to a place like that either.

But, YABU to be angry with him. He didn't want to go out in the first place and you persuaded him to. You knew it was likely that they would end up in a strip club and you told your dh it was okay to go, so long as he didn't have a private dance. He did what you asked and what you said was okay.

He spent most of the time outside/on his phone anyway. The only thing he could have done differently was to leave when they went to the club, but perhaps he thought that would be seen as rude by the groom. I think he did the best he could, under the circumstances.

For once I think it's not so bad, I would normally be very anti this sort of thing. But his only alternative was to stand out and leave, which is a lot to expect of some people, and so with your blessing he went in, seemingly felt uncomfortable and also sorry for the girls and noticed how young they were.

I think it's a bit of a win really, makes me think he'd never go in out of choice.

I'm curious about why you didn't mind him going to a club like this at all. This "just for special occasions" mentality reinforces the idea that men can buy women as a "treat" and I'm amazed you're okay with that.

If your partner dislikes these places as much as he professes, why didn't he find out beforehand whether that's what was planned? And why did he not refuse to go into the place, if he has strong moral objections to them?

no not at all. this has nothing to do with you being insecure its about respect and for some this is ok for others its a no no. of course you have the right to be annoyed and upset and disappointed in him. these clubs are seedy .let him know how you feel and that you find it unacceptable in your relationship. all this well his mates went, he is able to say no, yes he may have the pee taken out of him but surely that is better than upsetting you and he knows should there be a next time

i think it is sad that we think going to one of these places is acceptable what message does that really give out, it is not a bit of fun its seedy, the women are exploited and its about gratification for customers for money what is fun about that

My DH sounds very similar to yours! He completely parted company from his best friend 10 years ago because he suggested they went to a lap dancing club together and DH felt his friend wasn't the person he thought he was!

Fast forward 10 years, they are now best friends again, his friend is now married and has "grown up a lot" (DH's words!)

I know DH wouldn't want to go, and has said he'd have no qualms abandoning his friends on a night out - although most of his friends feel similarly. He's even more against it now we've got a DD.

Having said that, if he'd been in your DH's position, I'd still be feeling a bit pissed off about it. I think your feelings are pretty normal. But at least he was honest with you. Agree, he did the best he could in the circumstances. Don't beat yourself, or him, up for it.

YANBU but at least he was honest. I hate the way these clubs have morphed inot a 'normal' lads night out or stag do. I hate this whole culture.

My DH did this on a night out abroad and I was very unhappy with him. Not because I thought he 'did' anything or had a dance, or doubted his version of events in anyway, but because I was disappointed that he'd chosen to bow to peer pressure (it was a client night, not a stag either) and do something that I knew he didn't approve of, let alone me.

So, I know how you feel and I don't think YABU. But what do you do with that now? He didn't behave badly. You encouraged him to go. It really doesn't look like he was comparing you to the women there and thinking you fell short. It sounds like he's a lovely bloke who went along with peer pressure and did something he didn't approve of, let alone you. IYSWIM.

So, I think you have to let it go. But I don't think YABU, at all.

He sounds like a nice guy who coped with an awkward and uncomfortable situation as well as he could without causing offence to the groom etc. And you did say you'd have no problem with it as a one-off. So no, you have no reason to be cross with him and you can't reasonably bring up your annoyance.

And I think you realise that your annoyance has far more to do with your (very common, and it will fade) lack of self-confidence/feeling less attractive etc post-baby. You know that he saw these pretty skinny girls, and that's what you're reacting to. These are worries we all have at one time or another and usually they do just dissipate over time - say nothing, take comfort in the fact you've got a nice man who you trust, and you'll feel better about it all soon.

Why are posters so benign about this culture? We really need to challenge the ghastly practice that has sprung up in the past 20-odd years that stag nights will involve paying for sexual titillation or services. It speaks volumes that the OP herself expected this to be part of the deal, but her H has done a good job of looking shocked and expressing passive hope that this wouldn't be the case, yet he went along with it all the same .

It's easy to think, without prior experience, that if x happens you'll feel y. In this case x did happen and you felt z instead, if that makes any sense.

Your DH sounds like a nice man so talk to him. Tell him that you're not mad at him but you have ended finding out that you don't like him going to these places after all. In future maybe he could make an excuse, or simply say he doesn't like these places, and will meet up with them later on at (a). From what you've put he probably wouldn't be the only one.

windsorTides I'm not benign about this culture but in this case I don't think the OP going off the deep end is going to do any good.

You might also want to look at this thread because it discusses exactly the same mindset of punters who think it's okay to pay for sex. I'd bet the partners of the men on this stag night would strongly refute that their loved ones would pay for sex, but they'd be wrong wouldn't they?

I've been on hen nights where a male stripper has covered himself in cream and been absolutely SHOCKED at the behaviour of the women towards him. More disrespectful than any man at a strip club. If a man grasped a female stripper in the way these women were groping the male stripper, a burly bouncer would have chucked them out on the street.

I did not flounce. I did not stand up and shout my disgust. I went out and had a smoke, I distanced myself, I didn't break up their 'party'...I was pretty sickened by the whole thing though, it was all so classless and trampy. Seeing my very good friend the hen, turn into some crazed, cream covered letch was an image I couldn't shake. When she turned up looking like a princess on her wedding day, all I could think of was that at the same time a week before she'd been going down on a cream covered dildo with a manical grin on her face... not attractive!

I would do my best to forget about it if I were you.

YANBU to feel the way you do, but YWBU to show it in a big way. You could tell your dh how you feel, that you didn't expect to mind but you do feel uncomfortable with the thought of it now that it has happened, and that you're not angry with him.

IMO, talking about tese things is always the best way, because you get it off your chest and your lovely dh will probably be able to say something to make you fell better about the whole thing. he is supposed to be the person that you share all your feelings with, so I'd tell him, but in a very non accusing way. You are probably right in that your feelings ablut this are probably more indicative of teh way you feel about yourself at the moment, rather than being about the whay you feel about his actions.

It's actually quite sweet that you feel that way, it shows that you love your dh and care about how he feels about you.

My dh sounds a lot like yours, and while I have huge trust in him and plenty of security in our relationship, I still get little pangs of jealousy now and again. I think it would be worse to never feel like that, because it would mean that I didn't care about us so much.

Well, OP, you have been very very silly and fallen into the trap of wanting to be the "cool wife" without thinking it through

Today's society pushes this very strongly

That this is "boys will be boys", that it's ok for women to be treated as objects for men's sexual gratification and that women who aren't ok with it are "boring, frigid killjoys"

I suggest you do a bit of reading around to crystallise exactly why your husband partaking of the sex trade makes you uncomfortable

and that next time it is on the agenda, you don't blindly say "go for it love, with my blessing"

it is actually ok (and IMO) much more ethical to say "I don't want you to do it"

Thank you all for your replies, they are real food for thought. I was bracing myself for a pasting!

He actually is a lovely lovely guy. And itsnearlysummer, our two dcs are girls so that was another reason he felt uncomfortable, much like your dh.

To answer a few questions, he was told it would just be drinking and clubs (and general idiocy!). A visit to a lapdancing club certainly was never on the cards officially, as it were. It's also not that he is completely morally against these places (although I think it has changed a bit since he has actually seen it with his own eyes), more that he felt uncomfortable and self concious going to them.

Very interesting points asking why I was ok initially to let him go and why I didn't have a problem with this kind of establishment. Honestly, I don't know. I thought I would be cool about it and it was more a hypothetical 'what if'....well that came back to bite me on the arse didn't it! And after what he has told me, my viewpoint on them has actually changed somewhat.

It is actually heartening to hear that so many of our partners sound so similar. And I needed to be told that I AIBU to take it out on him, so thankyou.

Windsor Perhaps no-one wants to make the thread about you and your issue here.

They may want to simply stick to the topic and answer the OP?

I did answer the OP worraliberty and this is every woman's issue, including a few other posters on this thread, thank goodness.

Chocolate, I wonder if you would feel any differently if your dh went to the sort of 'meat market' type nightclub that stag parties often go to? The sort of place where girls throw themselves at men regardless of a wedding ring?

I would probably be even more uncomfortable with that, because at least in a strip club I know that the girls aren't interested in my dh. He is just another potential punter. But there are plenty of places where girls will go out of their way to get men to buy them drinks etc.

Btw, girls usually have a choice about working in these places, and they are very well looked after. A Mum I used to know did it, and she thought it was a great job! She got to be around for he dc, do the school runs, and went to work in the evenings. She napped while they were at school and earned a fortune. The bouncers look after the girls extremely well. Please don't think that every girl that works in one of these places is a poor vulnerable wee soul, they are not. If anything, they are exploiting the men who are pathetic enough to pay them a tenner for them to do a bit of keep fit around them for five minutes.

I'm with slavetofilofax on this .. talk about how you feel honestly without giving him a really hard time. Sounds like you are both in the same place on this issue really :)

My dh was in a similar situation recently, at a colleague's leaving do. Ended up at a burlesque club .. totally different from lapdancing apparently (hmm) I wasn't overly chuffed either, but two weeks later it's in the past. Talk it over and let it go, I'd say

yes, here come the sex trade apologists

with a nice side dish of misogyny thrown in there too

top marks, STFF

and lucky you, being married to "just another punter"...a marriage made in heaven if ever I saw one

Wow, I am a slow typer! I will try and keep up...

WindsorTides I have actually seen that thread. It is certainly shocking. And I understand that you feel very stongly about this subject. I am not sure that it applies to my dh however (the other members of the stag party on the other hand are questionable). He has told me that he never wants to go to a lapdancing place again, he hated it and for this I am relieved.

I will chat to him later and tell him how I feel, I think. AnyFucker you are right, I was trying to be the 'cool' wife. I don't know why, maybe the whole normalisation of stripclubs etc does have a lot to answer for.

Aldiwhore are you and your dh our doppelgangers?? Spookily similar!

Good point slave, most night clubs/pubs in our local city are meat markets of varying degrees of 'class' - all are gross. The men leer, the women leer, they trade in sex and there's no charge other than to get hammered. They are what's REALLY wrong with our culture... I personally don't think that we can pin all our issues on strip clubs, and don't believe the women in your regular bars behave the way they do because of strip clubs. Strip clubs at least have some moral boundaries. Regular clubs don't seem to.

OP, what I would class as "cool" is having the courage of your own convictions and not being swayed by our fucked-up society's expectations of the role of women in "entertaining" a certain type of man