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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and Lapdancing club

188 replies

ChocolateWineAndShoes · 03/10/2011 10:06

Hi all,

I am new here but thought I would jump in the deep end and post in AIBU as I genuinely don't know if I am being unreasonable or not! I suspect I am, so feel free to give it to me straight Grin

My dh went to a mutual friend's stag do over the weekend. As a general rule he's not really into going out with the boys all that much, he's pretty much a homebody. But I talked him into going - he wasn't that keen but he works hard and we have a 4 year old and an 11 month old so I thought he could do with a night off to have fun.

Here is where I am not sure if IABU or not....I made a joke about them going to a strip bar, which is really not his thing. He said to me that he really hoped they wouldn't as he wouldn't be comfortable there. I then said that it would be ok with me as a one off for someones stag do, as long as he didn't get any dances.

Well, you can all guess where they ended up of course. As soon as my dh walked through the door yesterday morning I asked how it went and he then asked me how much I wanted to know. I told him to tell me everything... So, after a long night boozing they ended up going to this bar. Dh says as soon as they turned up outside he realised what it was and his heart sank. But he didn't want to be a party pooper and he went in with them. Apparently the groom-to-be had multiple 'private' dances as did most of the stag party. Only my dh and one or two others didn't have any dances. I asked if he was approached by any of the girls but he said no as he pretty much spent the night either outside smoking or playing on his phone sitting at the back while the stag party propped up the bar surrounded by the girls. The only time he even spoke to any of them was when he was smoking and 2 of the girls came out for a break. One asked him for a cigerette and asked if he had a dance yet. He said no, no offence but it's really not his kind of thing and she said ok, and went back to her friend. My dh said he felt really sad as she looked so young.

Aaaaaanyway, (sorry for the essay!), they eventually left and went back to the hotel. Now, when he told me this I was fine and thanked him for telling me (I have no reason to doubt his version of events btw, although I am aware I may have some posters doubting him Grin). He was really shocked at the groom-to-be, and didn't know whether to tell me in case it puts me in a position with his fiancee. I actually suspect she won't be bothered.

But here's my issue. Despite me initially saying I wouldn't mind if he ended up at one of those places, I am actually feeling a bit upset by it. I don't know why. I do believe he had no dances, without question. He is not an 'ogler' and he's not the type to have his eyes on stalks. He is very respectful in regards to women. So what is my problem? I am a bit insecure from having a baby 11 months ago, and knackered from being a sahm and still bf-ing so maybe that would explain it?

So AIBU to feel annoyed with him? I don't really want to talk to him today but I know that I have no right really to be a bitch as he didn't do anything wrong. But I feel hurt and I have no idea why.

Aaaaarrggghh! Come on then, slap some sense into me!

OP posts:
slavetofilofax · 03/10/2011 11:06

What's my marriage got to do with anything? I said in my earlier post my dh would hate these sort of places, I'm talking about how I would feel if he was in one. I've been in more strip clubs than he has!

And I'm not a sex trade apologist, I don't need to be because the girls in strip clubs don't do sex. I'm just putting across the point that not all of them need sympathy. Some of them are more than happy with their jobs, it's a fact, like it or lump it.

Original poster
ChocolateWineAndShoes · 03/10/2011 11:09

Arrrggghh, I can't keep up!

I do understand that it is a very emotive issue, however I really don't want this to turn into a bunfight. But thank you for all your posts, it has given me a lot to think about and has given me a bit of perspective.

Blimey, causing chaos with my first post...!

OP posts:
worraliberty · 03/10/2011 11:10

Oh dear god not the tired old 'porn apologist' phrase Lmao.

I don't apologise for anyone's freedom of choice to do as they wish with their own bodies.

Thankfully the cat's bum brigade will never stop women doing what they want to do.

Sorry OP, I'm helping to take your thread OT now!

Anyway, as others have rightly said...just try to put it behind you now. He seems like a lovely guy and you seem very happy together from what you've said...so don't let this spoil that.

jellybeans · 03/10/2011 11:10

I agree strongly with AnyFucker ' and fallen into the trap of wanting to be the "cool wife" without thinking it through.Today's society pushes this very strongly'

TunaTiebacks · 03/10/2011 11:12

I think YABU if you told him beforehand you were fine with it. He wasn't to know you'd change your mind AFTER the event. What can he do about it now? Nothing. And it certainly sounds as though he behaved himself, so it's no big deal. I'd just let it go. It's not as though he's come home raving about how great it was.

AnyFucker · 03/10/2011 11:12

WL would you like to re read my post ?

I didn't mention porn

why did you mention porn ?

AnyFucker · 03/10/2011 11:14

OP, these threads always become very polarised

Original poster
ChocolateWineAndShoes · 03/10/2011 11:19

Shit, sorry, didn't mean to start trouble first thing on a Monday morning. Can I offer some Wine and Thanks and let's just pretend this never happened...

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 03/10/2011 11:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 03/10/2011 11:24

OP, don't worry, it's not your fault Smile

Have a search of all the other threads that reference husbands participating in the sex trade and you will see they all go the same way

All I would say is don't let any comments on this thread make you feel that you are BU to object to your husband frequenting a place that objectifies women

slavetofilofax · 03/10/2011 11:24

Chocolate, don't worry about it, as long as you fel you have had a few answers that help you with your dilemma, that's all that matters. Smile

You can't control how threads will go once they have been posted, it's just the way it is.

TheSecondComing, I didn't say most, I said some. And I stand by it.

Vagazzled · 03/10/2011 11:26

He sounds like a genuine guy. However, I would be a little concerned about the excuse of spending time on his phone. It is usually (and I accept this may differ in varying places) a rule that NO phones are to be out/used/in view at all because of the risk of people taking pictures. If someone is seen with a phone, even playing a game etc, they are asked to put it away or leave. Just a thought.
But I think YANBU, and I actually feel very similar to yourself. All our mutual friends, it seems, have no problems with their other halves attending these places, I am therefore a wimp and rather than say "Well MrV I'd rather you didn't", I go along with the crowd and then put myself down after.... Failed cool wife syndrome! Grin

AnyFucker · 03/10/2011 11:28

STFF, do you think a few women who enjoy their time as a sex worker somehow cancels out all the human suffering caused by trafficking, women living in fear and the loss of innocence of young women forced into such work by abusive partners, substance addiction or due to economic factors ?

LeQueen · 03/10/2011 11:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheSecondComing · 03/10/2011 11:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 03/10/2011 11:30

Vagazzled, then you are very silly

Stand up for yourself

Who cares what other people think ?

get some backbone, fgs

Original poster
ChocolateWineAndShoes · 03/10/2011 11:33

Thank you for being so lovely. My baptism of fire into AIBU has not been as scathing as I was at first dreading. I have certainly had a lot of helpful advice, thanks to all.

And interesting point Vagazzled, I may have to interrogate my dh about this later! It's strange, normally I would have no qualms about saying 'no way' about a lapdancing club, why I felt it would be different for a stag do I just don't know. I am a conundrum to myself.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/10/2011 11:35

OP, your post was more likely to see others laying into each other tbh

AnyFucker · 03/10/2011 11:37

out of interest, OP, has your husband a firm plan as to how he will prevent himself being coerced into something like this in the future ?

has he asked himself why he went along with it so passively ?

is he usually an easily-swayed person ?

slavetofilofax · 03/10/2011 11:39

AF, of course not Hmm

Women choosing to do an easy strip club job that earns them alot of money and fits in with their lifestyle is not the same as a women being trafficked and forced into prostitution at the same time as being given drugs to keep them dependant.

I can see why strip clubs can be seen as the thin end of the wedge, but imo it's the same as saying that a quiet country pub that serves it's own locality is the same as a town centre pub that does nothing to control brawling at the weekends whilst turing a blind eye to drugs being taken and serving drinks to people who are already paraletic. The two things are not comparable.

TSC, you are right, I'm sure they would prefer to be doing something else. But stacking shelves in Asda just doesn't earn the same amount of money, and I bet the shelf stackers would rather be doing something else too.

AnyFucker · 03/10/2011 11:42

strip clubs condone the objectification of women by definition

so yes, the thin end of the wedge contributing to the pervasive mindset that women are meant to service men (sexually and otherwise)

mumsamilitant · 03/10/2011 11:43

To be perfectly honest I don't know what all the fuss is about? These places exist, so what. It was a stag do and he went.....

MysticShed · 03/10/2011 11:43

I would wonder if he did have a dance....his story sounds very well thought out

AnyFucker · 03/10/2011 11:44

yes, mam

lots of things exist and people use them...doesn't make it acceptable

not all of us so passively accept the messages that are being drummed into us from all angles

MysticShed · 03/10/2011 11:46

I would like to add that women often dont earn nearly as much money in these places as they are made out to.

They have to pay aLOT to the club and for clothes and shoes...they get fined if they're late or dont turn up....and they are often told that the job is "no contact" only to find that the other girls are all grinding on the mens crotches during the private dances and so they feel they must too in order to keep up.

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