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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH and Lapdancing club

188 replies

ChocolateWineAndShoes · 03/10/2011 10:06

Hi all,

I am new here but thought I would jump in the deep end and post in AIBU as I genuinely don't know if I am being unreasonable or not! I suspect I am, so feel free to give it to me straight

My dh went to a mutual friend's stag do over the weekend. As a general rule he's not really into going out with the boys all that much, he's pretty much a homebody. But I talked him into going - he wasn't that keen but he works hard and we have a 4 year old and an 11 month old so I thought he could do with a night off to have fun.

Here is where I am not sure if IABU or not....I made a joke about them going to a strip bar, which is really not his thing. He said to me that he really hoped they wouldn't as he wouldn't be comfortable there. I then said that it would be ok with me as a one off for someones stag do, as long as he didn't get any dances.

Well, you can all guess where they ended up of course. As soon as my dh walked through the door yesterday morning I asked how it went and he then asked me how much I wanted to know. I told him to tell me everything... So, after a long night boozing they ended up going to this bar. Dh says as soon as they turned up outside he realised what it was and his heart sank. But he didn't want to be a party pooper and he went in with them. Apparently the groom-to-be had multiple 'private' dances as did most of the stag party. Only my dh and one or two others didn't have any dances. I asked if he was approached by any of the girls but he said no as he pretty much spent the night either outside smoking or playing on his phone sitting at the back while the stag party propped up the bar surrounded by the girls. The only time he even spoke to any of them was when he was smoking and 2 of the girls came out for a break. One asked him for a cigerette and asked if he had a dance yet. He said no, no offence but it's really not his kind of thing and she said ok, and went back to her friend. My dh said he felt really sad as she looked so young.

Aaaaaanyway, (sorry for the essay!), they eventually left and went back to the hotel. Now, when he told me this I was fine and thanked him for telling me (I have no reason to doubt his version of events btw, although I am aware I may have some posters doubting him ). He was really shocked at the groom-to-be, and didn't know whether to tell me in case it puts me in a position with his fiancee. I actually suspect she won't be bothered.

But here's my issue. Despite me initially saying I wouldn't mind if he ended up at one of those places, I am actually feeling a bit upset by it. I don't know why. I do believe he had no dances, without question. He is not an 'ogler' and he's not the type to have his eyes on stalks. He is very respectful in regards to women. So what is my problem? I am a bit insecure from having a baby 11 months ago, and knackered from being a sahm and still bf-ing so maybe that would explain it?

So AIBU to feel annoyed with him? I don't really want to talk to him today but I know that I have no right really to be a bitch as he didn't do anything wrong. But I feel hurt and I have no idea why.

Aaaaarrggghh! Come on then, slap some sense into me!

OP posts:

TheSecondComing · 03/10/2011 15:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

solidgoldbrass · 03/10/2011 15:17

To object to the sex industry on the grounds that sex workers are exploited and badly treated is fair enough. To object to the sex industry even when the sex workers are doing it because they choose to, and have arranged good working conditions for themselves does suggest a narrow, prescriptive and controlling view of other people's sexuality ie anything that you don't fancy doing is inherently wrong.

LEMONAIDE · 03/10/2011 15:20

Well putting aside the fact that just the thought of that sort of place makes me shudder I dont care how much they try to normalise lap dancing clubs it still seems sleezy and creepy to me. BUT.....

The OP and her husband discussed this scenario in advance and she okayed him going. He sounds like a nice guy to me and tbh I would be more worried at the thought of my husband wandering an unfamiliar town to make his way back on his own at this time of night...I know a number of men who have been beaten up by some drunk random stranger in similar circumstances.

MrMan · 03/10/2011 15:20

2ndC but if we start arguing against music videos, I worry about ending up like my granddad who would shake his walkingstick at my cousin in a sundress, saying she might as well put on a price sticker. (He also shook his stick at cats, birds and eventually trees. Not a path I want to go down. )

TheSecondComing · 03/10/2011 15:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scotchmeg · 03/10/2011 15:42

MrMan I actually think that the things women are requested to do on music videos now is close to stripping. I wouldn't want my DD to do it. There was an interesting TV program on a little while ago about women in music videos and a lot of them apply to "audition" and go along to the set where theyre asked to wear seriously revealing clothes (and cajooled and sdometimes even man handled if they don't want to wear them) they're then treated like objects, plied with drinks and made to dance around for usually no money at all while the "artists" fondle and grope them. It's pretty gross really. I don't allow them on in my home.

the second coming makes an excellent point. SGB you say that women choose to strip because they'd rather do that than flip burgers or stack selves.. why are those their only choices?

I think that objecting to the sex industry is a million miles away from an old man waving a stick at a young girl in a short dress. It's the money changing hands/ being made on behalf of the women's bodies that changes things.

TheRealTillyMinto · 03/10/2011 15:43

when we say sex worker, we really mean female sex worker serving a male market.

this is not equality. & while to try to achieve equality, i dont think mainly men paying for sexual services for mainly women, helps.

scotchmeg · 03/10/2011 15:48

This is one area I don't want to see equality in. Would much prefer to see people resepcting each other than hoards of women stooping to the level of men by paying for male sex workers. Not that it would ever happen - women just don't get the same gratification from having control over men in the way that men do with women (on the whole)

TheRealTillyMinto · 03/10/2011 15:48

when we say sex worker, we really mean female sex worker serving a male market.

this is not equality. & while to try to achieve equality, i dont think mainly men paying for sexual services from mainly women, helps.

Faffalina · 03/10/2011 15:50

I think there ought to be a Strippers Union. If they agreed to only strip for huge wads of cash, it'd be a women's world.

Let's face it, if women were more interested (or interested at all) in paying to look at men's penises, most guys would happily strip for a living and I bet they wouldn't feel "objectified".

TheRealTillyMinto · 03/10/2011 15:51

i do want to see quality - by women doing less sex work not men doing more

(i meant to say...)

when we say sex worker, we really mean female sex worker serving a male market.

this is not equality. & while to try to achieve equality in the widest sense, i dont think mainly men paying for sexual services from mainly women, helps.

AnyFucker · 03/10/2011 15:53

OP FWIW, I didn't say you were a male appeaser, I said you were using male-appeasing behaviours

Is there a difference ?

Well yes, in the latter when it's pointed out/you realise then you don't do it again. In the former, you keep doing it.

Crosshair · 03/10/2011 16:16

I think Im pro choice when it comes to strippers/lapdancers, not for me to judge or tell other women or men what to do with their lives.

Strip clubs arent for me or dp.

AnyFucker · 03/10/2011 16:18

crosshair, what about if it was your sister, your daughter, your mother ?

still happy ?

Pendeen · 03/10/2011 16:23

OP you thought it through and seem to have a nice man as OH so, YABU to reproach yourself.

It's a pity this has degenerated into a feminist ranting session though.

Fluffycloudland77 · 03/10/2011 16:24

Your dh sounds like mine, he thinks its all a bit slutty.

I think he coped really well with the situation, the girls dancing are prob young enough to nearly be his daughters and made him feel uncomfortable.

Crosshair · 03/10/2011 16:26

Its not about me being happy, I believe people should have the choice when it comes to their life choices.

AnyFucker · 03/10/2011 16:27

@ feminist ranting session

fluffy I agree with your dh, the men who use these places are "slutty"

that is what you meant, ins't it ?

MrSpoc · 03/10/2011 16:29

its always the same people ranting and shoving their own beleifs down peoples throats and telling them they are wrong.

God help you if you have chosen this career. that means your exploited and must of been abused.

AnyFucker · 03/10/2011 16:33

"shoving down throats" MrSpoc ?

those are strong terms to use, I dread to think why that particular combination popped into your head

MrSpoc · 03/10/2011 16:37

Trust you to twist everything. I suppose i expected that of you.

Why do you hate all men so badly ANYFUCKER???

ThePosieParker · 03/10/2011 16:43

MrSpoc, it's not automatic that you've been abused (if you're a stripper) but it is more likely. It's also more likely that you have poor self esteem, will be propositioned as if you are a prostitute and inappropriately touched. It is also more likely that other women are sexually assaulted not too far from where you work and the men you encounter at work have a dim view of women.

I don't hate men, I have respect for most of them, just not those that frequent lap dancing clubs.

MrMan · 03/10/2011 16:44

scotch what I was trying to ask was, where do you draw the line? Do we start saying that there should be no sex appeal in music, theatre or other arts? Seems so... Boring. I mean when swing dancing came out people said it was scandalous and that young people touching each other was going to bring the end of the world.

Don't get me wrong, I am no fan of strip clubs, porn or the rest of it. I just don't know where to say "this is ok, that isn't. "

ThePosieParker · 03/10/2011 16:46

Where money exchanges hands for a women to remove her clothes.....

Man exploits by buying, man exploits by making the money.

Nesbo · 03/10/2011 16:48

In my limited experience in most groups of guys there will be a few who don't want to go, but if you have no strong moral objections to strip clubs then you go with the majority. Same thing applies to ending up in crappy nightclubs, you don't want to go but if that is where the group goes then democracy tends to rule (unless you decide to flounce instead).

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