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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and Lapdancing club

188 replies

ChocolateWineAndShoes · 03/10/2011 10:06

Hi all,

I am new here but thought I would jump in the deep end and post in AIBU as I genuinely don't know if I am being unreasonable or not! I suspect I am, so feel free to give it to me straight Grin

My dh went to a mutual friend's stag do over the weekend. As a general rule he's not really into going out with the boys all that much, he's pretty much a homebody. But I talked him into going - he wasn't that keen but he works hard and we have a 4 year old and an 11 month old so I thought he could do with a night off to have fun.

Here is where I am not sure if IABU or not....I made a joke about them going to a strip bar, which is really not his thing. He said to me that he really hoped they wouldn't as he wouldn't be comfortable there. I then said that it would be ok with me as a one off for someones stag do, as long as he didn't get any dances.

Well, you can all guess where they ended up of course. As soon as my dh walked through the door yesterday morning I asked how it went and he then asked me how much I wanted to know. I told him to tell me everything... So, after a long night boozing they ended up going to this bar. Dh says as soon as they turned up outside he realised what it was and his heart sank. But he didn't want to be a party pooper and he went in with them. Apparently the groom-to-be had multiple 'private' dances as did most of the stag party. Only my dh and one or two others didn't have any dances. I asked if he was approached by any of the girls but he said no as he pretty much spent the night either outside smoking or playing on his phone sitting at the back while the stag party propped up the bar surrounded by the girls. The only time he even spoke to any of them was when he was smoking and 2 of the girls came out for a break. One asked him for a cigerette and asked if he had a dance yet. He said no, no offence but it's really not his kind of thing and she said ok, and went back to her friend. My dh said he felt really sad as she looked so young.

Aaaaaanyway, (sorry for the essay!), they eventually left and went back to the hotel. Now, when he told me this I was fine and thanked him for telling me (I have no reason to doubt his version of events btw, although I am aware I may have some posters doubting him Grin). He was really shocked at the groom-to-be, and didn't know whether to tell me in case it puts me in a position with his fiancee. I actually suspect she won't be bothered.

But here's my issue. Despite me initially saying I wouldn't mind if he ended up at one of those places, I am actually feeling a bit upset by it. I don't know why. I do believe he had no dances, without question. He is not an 'ogler' and he's not the type to have his eyes on stalks. He is very respectful in regards to women. So what is my problem? I am a bit insecure from having a baby 11 months ago, and knackered from being a sahm and still bf-ing so maybe that would explain it?

So AIBU to feel annoyed with him? I don't really want to talk to him today but I know that I have no right really to be a bitch as he didn't do anything wrong. But I feel hurt and I have no idea why.

Aaaaarrggghh! Come on then, slap some sense into me!

OP posts:
ChaoticAngelofSamhain · 03/10/2011 11:49

I'd rather stack shelves in ASDA than work in a strip club even if I did have the body for it Hmm

Totally agree with AF in her last post.

Original poster
ChocolateWineAndShoes · 03/10/2011 11:49

AnyFucker, interesting points.
He is normally not one for being swayed at all. I think it was a combination of the element of surprise, the fact he knew nobody except the groom-to-be and was in an unfamiliar city. Possibly an element of curiosity if I'm being honest but mostly I think it was a 'grit your teeth and get it over with' kind of thing.

I think in future he is unlikely to be in that position again, his/our usual friends are not into that. And he has got to 36 without setting foot into one previously! But I just think next time, if it does come up, he is likely to say 'nah, not for me'and get a cab to the nearest KFC!

OP posts:
ChaoticAngelofSamhain · 03/10/2011 11:50

Make that AF's last two posts.

AnyFucker · 03/10/2011 11:52

element of surprise ?

I thought you said you discussed it and gave him your blessing ?

then he passively waited to see what would happen

not much of a surprise there Hmm

let's hope it doesn't come up again then, eh ?

AnyFucker · 03/10/2011 11:53

chaotic what about the others ?

in for a penny... Wink

bemybebe · 03/10/2011 11:54

Not one but two girls from my school worked in the US sex industry (not lapdancing though). They earned way more than all of us who went down the more conventional route and they were seemingly very happy with their choices. Well, good luck to them I thought at the time. They are now happily married, kids and dhs... hardly the meekly victims.

ChaoticAngelofSamhain · 03/10/2011 11:56

Grin Okay, I agree with all of AF's posts.

Seriously though I do find myself agreeing with you on this subject, now and in the past.

Original poster
ChocolateWineAndShoes · 03/10/2011 11:57

AnyFucker No, we discussed it several weeks ago and I raised it as a hypothetical 'what if' joking scenario. Then I said, well if it did happen I would be ok about it.

The actual plans for the stag do were simply drinking and more drinking. No mention of anything else. He went along with them on a bar/club crawl and this was the final place they ended up, he only realised what it was when he saw the blacked out windows and 'gentleman's club' sign

So don't you be aising your eyebrows at me young lady Grin

OP posts:
slavetofilofax · 03/10/2011 11:57

AF, what about all the male strippers that are out there then? Is every woman that has ever been to see the Chippendales contributing to the sexual objectification of man and promoting the idea that men are available to serve women?

I have been to three different strip clubs in my life, and in all of them, it was very strictly no touching. One time I was quite young and was there with a big group of people, including a guy I was dating. I got told off by a bouncer for sitting on my own boyfriends lap because the no touching policy was so strict.

I know that sleazy places where the women are not treated well exist, but I don't thing it is right, or it does anyone any good to assume that they are all awful. It shows ignorance to how strip clubs can be run well. And while there is such ignorance, the issue is hidden away because it can't be debated rationally. Then any chance of the seedy clubs improving their standards is wasted, because average stag night men who go to these places very infrequently don't know the difference. They will just go to the one that is in their town, without thinking about the differences in the way the women are treated.

If the issue was more out in the open, men might be better able to vote with their feet, and choose to go to clubs where the women are treated well, therefore rasing standards for all women. As it is, men don't know the difference until they get thereand have paid their entrance fee.

Original poster
ChocolateWineAndShoes · 03/10/2011 11:58

Raising not aising....

Have now lost all dramatic impact!

OP posts:
ChaoticAngelofSamhain · 03/10/2011 12:01

It doesn't matter how well a strip club is run the attitude that women are there to service men is still the same.

AnyFucker · 03/10/2011 12:01

well, thank you for the "young lady" bit Smile

but I do raise my eyebrows

I also think you are letting him off the hook too lightly and rationalising something that he did too readily

did he come up with all these excuses by himself or are you doing another "cool wife" thing by filling in the gaps with what makes you feel more comfortable ?

just a thought...

mumsamilitant · 03/10/2011 12:01

Well said Slavetofilofax! Blimey! Who's making women out as such victims. They earn bundles out of the twits Grin

slavetofilofax · 03/10/2011 12:02

Chaotic, you might prefer to stack shelves, but that doesn't mean every woman would.

If I were forced to choose between the two, I'd prefer to be a dancer, as long as it was in a well run club.

mumsamilitant · 03/10/2011 12:02

He was at a stag do Chocolate. Stop being riled up by the men haters!

AnyFucker · 03/10/2011 12:04

STFF, are you ascertaining whether I have double standards wrt male strippers ?

no, I don't

ChaoticAngelofSamhain · 03/10/2011 12:05

I don't hate men. I just hold them to high standards of behaviour.

AnyFucker · 03/10/2011 12:05

man haters

bingo

slavetofilofax · 03/10/2011 12:05

Not asking if you have double standards, just asking if you think the fact that male strippers exist means the same for them as it does for the women that choose to strip.

Original poster
ChocolateWineAndShoes · 03/10/2011 12:07

Definitely no more 'cool wife' from me! I will be talking to him again later but I do believe him when he said no dances. Trust me, I am not one for leaving a stone unturned so any questions you think I should be asking, let me know.

Have to pop out, will be back later. Some very interesting viewpoints...

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/10/2011 12:09

OP, I am very happy you have adjusted some of your male-appeasing behaviours after reading this thread

every little helps...

Kladdkaka · 03/10/2011 12:23

This is one of the benefits of having a complete nerdy husband. He stag do was a day in a scrapyard (think scrapheap challenge) followed by a trip to the chippy and a night of World of Warcraft. :o

AnyFucker · 03/10/2011 12:28

Grin kladd

now some people would try and convince you there was something wrong with that...stag do's that don't involve the disrespect of women are somehow lacking

unless of course they paid the woman serving behind the chippy counter to get her tits out over the saveloys...

Faffalina · 03/10/2011 12:34

Don't think it's such a big deal, to be honest. Not remotely interested in appeasing men either.

TheRealTillyMinto · 03/10/2011 12:49

actually OP, IMO your DH did do something wrong. if he disagrees with strip clubs, he should not have gone in.