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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and Lapdancing club

188 replies

ChocolateWineAndShoes · 03/10/2011 10:06

Hi all,

I am new here but thought I would jump in the deep end and post in AIBU as I genuinely don't know if I am being unreasonable or not! I suspect I am, so feel free to give it to me straight Grin

My dh went to a mutual friend's stag do over the weekend. As a general rule he's not really into going out with the boys all that much, he's pretty much a homebody. But I talked him into going - he wasn't that keen but he works hard and we have a 4 year old and an 11 month old so I thought he could do with a night off to have fun.

Here is where I am not sure if IABU or not....I made a joke about them going to a strip bar, which is really not his thing. He said to me that he really hoped they wouldn't as he wouldn't be comfortable there. I then said that it would be ok with me as a one off for someones stag do, as long as he didn't get any dances.

Well, you can all guess where they ended up of course. As soon as my dh walked through the door yesterday morning I asked how it went and he then asked me how much I wanted to know. I told him to tell me everything... So, after a long night boozing they ended up going to this bar. Dh says as soon as they turned up outside he realised what it was and his heart sank. But he didn't want to be a party pooper and he went in with them. Apparently the groom-to-be had multiple 'private' dances as did most of the stag party. Only my dh and one or two others didn't have any dances. I asked if he was approached by any of the girls but he said no as he pretty much spent the night either outside smoking or playing on his phone sitting at the back while the stag party propped up the bar surrounded by the girls. The only time he even spoke to any of them was when he was smoking and 2 of the girls came out for a break. One asked him for a cigerette and asked if he had a dance yet. He said no, no offence but it's really not his kind of thing and she said ok, and went back to her friend. My dh said he felt really sad as she looked so young.

Aaaaaanyway, (sorry for the essay!), they eventually left and went back to the hotel. Now, when he told me this I was fine and thanked him for telling me (I have no reason to doubt his version of events btw, although I am aware I may have some posters doubting him Grin). He was really shocked at the groom-to-be, and didn't know whether to tell me in case it puts me in a position with his fiancee. I actually suspect she won't be bothered.

But here's my issue. Despite me initially saying I wouldn't mind if he ended up at one of those places, I am actually feeling a bit upset by it. I don't know why. I do believe he had no dances, without question. He is not an 'ogler' and he's not the type to have his eyes on stalks. He is very respectful in regards to women. So what is my problem? I am a bit insecure from having a baby 11 months ago, and knackered from being a sahm and still bf-ing so maybe that would explain it?

So AIBU to feel annoyed with him? I don't really want to talk to him today but I know that I have no right really to be a bitch as he didn't do anything wrong. But I feel hurt and I have no idea why.

Aaaaarrggghh! Come on then, slap some sense into me!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/10/2011 17:22

MrMan, it's ok

I think men like our lovely MrSpoc are the exception rather than the rule, despite how much he attempts to discredit me by whining "man hater" every five fucking minutes Smile

AnyFucker · 03/10/2011 17:23

MrMan, I think your analogy of the kids who chop their limbs off is a bloody showstopper every time someone trots out that tired old "choice" argument

MysticShed · 03/10/2011 17:26

Solidgoldbrass the working conditions are shit actually. I don't know where you got the idea that they were good from.

The clubs routinely fine the girls for tiny misdemeanours..."wrong shoes?...that's 50 quid please." "Night off sick?...another 50"

They have NO rights s they're not "employed" but are freelance.

MrSpoc · 03/10/2011 17:26

Oh dear.

MrMan · 03/10/2011 17:27

metal let's review a second. I asked for ideas on where to draw the line. Posie suggested it is unacceptable when women take off their clothes for money. I pointed out a case when you might make an exception.

I am on your side. but for the world to take this seriously we need to be able to say what is ok and what isnt. I don't have the answer myself. But it could be something like: when sexual contact happens for money? But this allows 'no touch' clubs which I still dislike.

ThePosieParker · 03/10/2011 17:28

Do we not consider Picasso and Michelangelo fine art now?

ThePosieParker · 03/10/2011 17:30

Ah......where a woman removes her clothes for express purpose of a man, or woman, to be aroused.

MrSpoc · 03/10/2011 17:33

thats my wife fucked then

metalelephant · 03/10/2011 17:35

I hear you MrMan, and I think you make a lot of excellent points; I guess I see art modelling differently because it's a field for both men and women, with young and old models alike. Whereas sex workers are preferred to be young and attractive, and mainly female.
It's a "man pays - woman displays" game, it would be very different if lapdancing clubs for women were equally popular. For me, it's a power thing rather than a purely sexual matter, therefore it's complicated by woman hating and the desire to get the most for your money etc.

Malificence · 03/10/2011 17:38

Is your wife a mumsnetter Mrspoc? Has she seen the kind of crap you spout on here?

MrMan · 03/10/2011 17:40

So you have to pay her too, eh?

donotfeedthetrollsdonotfeedthetrolls

ThePosieParker · 03/10/2011 17:41

FFS MrSpoc, that was further definition of my earlier post.

MrSpoc.....You seem awfully familiar....

bemybebe · 03/10/2011 17:43

"Do we not consider Picasso and Michelangelo fine art now?"

PP not a very fair statement. Picasso in particular, during his early days of painting in Paris and mixing with questionable crowd, many of his female acquentances were common prostitutes. Some female images created by impressionists (Toulouse-Lautrec in particular) are very provocative. It is all considered fine art now. Michelangelo was a homosexual, one of the most important relationships he struck at 60 with a boy of 16... pushing our boundaries of decency... his male nudes are full of sexual tensions...

bemybebe · 03/10/2011 17:44

acquaintances Blush

bemybebe · 03/10/2011 17:51

And if we are talking about dance, tango is a very poignant example. Common dance of Argentinian low classes that was almost banned in some places in the early XX c.

metalelephant · 03/10/2011 18:14

Bemybee, there is no doubt that a lot of artists have a fascination with prostitutes, but there is a difference with the depiction of one in drawing or film to the actual "use"
of one. A documentary about a prostitute is not the same as paying one to have sex... It's particularly sad that in countries where women are kept under strict control, men rely on prostitutes even more as the "good girls" are not allowed to mingle freely.

Prostitution is inextricably linked to patriarchy, and stands in the way of equality. That's my main
problem with it, not any moral issues with haven sex with many people or with any preferences of gender.

MrMan · 03/10/2011 18:22

Fuck me. Picasso was using prostitutes to create his paintings? Is there any field where men are not screwing women over?

I am officially giving up on my gender.

bemybebe · 03/10/2011 18:32

I am not sure where you are taking this "art" argument but Picasso and numerous "fine" artists patronized and befriended sex workers of both genders.

"Prostitution is inextricably linked to patriarchy" that sentence I do not understand. I absolutely object to human trafficking and the seeming inability of the authorities to kill it at the bud. However, willing transaction between two consenting adults is fine by me even though I would not like myself, my dh or my family be part of this trade. Not because I am a "cool wife" but because I believe in freedom to do as one pleases within the legal framework on the subject of sex.

Going back to OP, the dh did something that he discussed with OP prior to the event. As it turned out OP did not like this, which is absolutely reasonable. Telling her she was displaying male-appeasing behaviours is highly patronizing as someone pointed upthread. He done it, she did not like it. They talked, I am sure he won't do it again. Where is the problem??

MrMan · 03/10/2011 18:38

bebe if it really was a consensual arrangement between two equal parties then I think no-one would mind. But I think the argument here is given the history, politics, and personal history of the women involved the reality is that there is a lot of exploitation in reality, in fact so much that it can be taken as the general rule.

AnyFucker · 03/10/2011 18:42

You keep mentioning "male appeasing" bemybebe

the thread has moved on, a long time ago

is there a particular reason that statement is at the front of your mind ?

Tyr · 03/10/2011 18:42

bemybebe,

I believe the OP has left in despair, much as one might exit a church event when the sermon and hymns start.

bemybebe · 03/10/2011 18:44

Well if you put it this way MrMan I agree... that said, seeing beautiful young teenagers being licked by fat Europeans on Cuban beaches [bleugh] I would absolutely see exploitation, whilst I do not see it in SpearmintRhino... maybe I am wrong.

bemybebe · 03/10/2011 18:45

"is there a particular reason that statement is at the front of your mind ?"
Yeah I find it insulting.

AnyFucker · 03/10/2011 18:46

the truth hurts, maybe ?

bemybebe · 03/10/2011 18:46

Btw AF I mentioned it once I believe...

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