Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and Lapdancing club

188 replies

ChocolateWineAndShoes · 03/10/2011 10:06

Hi all,

I am new here but thought I would jump in the deep end and post in AIBU as I genuinely don't know if I am being unreasonable or not! I suspect I am, so feel free to give it to me straight Grin

My dh went to a mutual friend's stag do over the weekend. As a general rule he's not really into going out with the boys all that much, he's pretty much a homebody. But I talked him into going - he wasn't that keen but he works hard and we have a 4 year old and an 11 month old so I thought he could do with a night off to have fun.

Here is where I am not sure if IABU or not....I made a joke about them going to a strip bar, which is really not his thing. He said to me that he really hoped they wouldn't as he wouldn't be comfortable there. I then said that it would be ok with me as a one off for someones stag do, as long as he didn't get any dances.

Well, you can all guess where they ended up of course. As soon as my dh walked through the door yesterday morning I asked how it went and he then asked me how much I wanted to know. I told him to tell me everything... So, after a long night boozing they ended up going to this bar. Dh says as soon as they turned up outside he realised what it was and his heart sank. But he didn't want to be a party pooper and he went in with them. Apparently the groom-to-be had multiple 'private' dances as did most of the stag party. Only my dh and one or two others didn't have any dances. I asked if he was approached by any of the girls but he said no as he pretty much spent the night either outside smoking or playing on his phone sitting at the back while the stag party propped up the bar surrounded by the girls. The only time he even spoke to any of them was when he was smoking and 2 of the girls came out for a break. One asked him for a cigerette and asked if he had a dance yet. He said no, no offence but it's really not his kind of thing and she said ok, and went back to her friend. My dh said he felt really sad as she looked so young.

Aaaaaanyway, (sorry for the essay!), they eventually left and went back to the hotel. Now, when he told me this I was fine and thanked him for telling me (I have no reason to doubt his version of events btw, although I am aware I may have some posters doubting him Grin). He was really shocked at the groom-to-be, and didn't know whether to tell me in case it puts me in a position with his fiancee. I actually suspect she won't be bothered.

But here's my issue. Despite me initially saying I wouldn't mind if he ended up at one of those places, I am actually feeling a bit upset by it. I don't know why. I do believe he had no dances, without question. He is not an 'ogler' and he's not the type to have his eyes on stalks. He is very respectful in regards to women. So what is my problem? I am a bit insecure from having a baby 11 months ago, and knackered from being a sahm and still bf-ing so maybe that would explain it?

So AIBU to feel annoyed with him? I don't really want to talk to him today but I know that I have no right really to be a bitch as he didn't do anything wrong. But I feel hurt and I have no idea why.

Aaaaarrggghh! Come on then, slap some sense into me!

OP posts:
scotchmeg · 03/10/2011 12:53

You are BU to have expected him to read between the lines and you should have been more of a grown up and said that you minded rather than game playing - i.e. saying you don't mind when actually you do.

However, I don't think it would BU to have lost respect for your partner over this. Why did he do the sheep thing and follow them in if he didn't like it. I presume he spent money in there? why line the pockets of the people employing (eg) the girl who went to see him outside who was so young it made him sad? He has compromised his principles, which is something I would be very cross about.

I would have to reconsider our relationship if my DP did this, but then again, I would have told him upfront the i didn't want him to go.

He knows my stance on the sex industry anyway so doubt it would happen.

AnyFucker · 03/10/2011 12:59

< applauds scotchmeg >

scotchmeg · 03/10/2011 13:11

Thanks AF.

All those in favour of strip clubs and who think the women in there are well looked after and that actually they're the ones exploiting the men... would you do it?

I had a conversation with a very good friend of mine once who shocked me when she came out with statements that were sympathetic to strip clubs. She (as many of you seem to) knew someone who worked as a lapdancer and allegedly was very happy, made a packet of money, loved the attention blah blah blah. Turns out that I actually knew the girl in infant school. She was adopted twice by the age of 11, the second time after both of her adoptive parents died. And was abused by her half brother all through secondary school. She had a baby who she had adopted at 14 and everyone strongly suspected it was her brothers. My friend also couldn't explain why it was exactly that although she didn't have a problem with strip clubs she wouldn't do it herself. I would argue it was because she had a solid upbringing and was surrounded by people who loved her.

Between 66-90% of women in the sex industry were sexually abused as children.

If you're happy for your husband to pay for sexual gratification from these women then you are either heartless, or you have just been very effectivly moulded by the "cool wife" modellers.

Even if they are not receiving the gratification themselves, they are still paying in to the industry and exacerbating the problem whether they want to think of it like that or not.

solidgoldbrass · 03/10/2011 13:11

I do think that in this case it would be unreasonable to punish your H. You said you wouldn't mind, admittedly with neither of you thinking it was going to happen, he went along because he didn't want to make a scene in front of his mates, and now says that next time he will refuse to go to such a place. Fair enough.
And it is certainly true that while too many women in the sex industry are exploited, there are plenty of others who strip for money and regard it as preferable to shelf-stacking, burger-flipping or scrubbing toilets.

And paying someone to perform for you, whether or not they are displaying themselves sexually, is not 'buying' that person any more than paying someone to cook or serve you a meal in a restaurant, or cut your toenails because you can't reach, counts as 'buying' the person. You are buying a piece of their time in which they will perform prenegotiated services for you.

doublechocchip · 03/10/2011 13:31

you can't control how you feel therefore I would just look at this as a learning experience! Explain him where you stand in that you wouldn't want him to go to another one again leave it there. By what you've said he sounds as though he would be quite happy in not having to go to one again.

On a bit of a tangent I used to be a lapdancer and we often got a few men in when having stag parties who just came in as part of the group and had no interest in having dances so not all men turn into lust crazy animals when in a lap dancing club. I worked in a reputable club with very strict rules earning around £150 average friday and £300 on a saturday. I had a happy upbringing, went to a grammar school and uni and did for no other reason than to make some money doing something I enjoy (dancing). I worked for about 8 months until I met my current oh. For every reptuable club however there are many seedy ones it totally depends on the people who run it so they can really vary.

Original poster
ChocolateWineAndShoes · 03/10/2011 13:35

I am back!

Just to be clear, I wasn't playing mind games, I genuinely did think I would be ok with him going if such a hypothetical situation arose. When faced with the actual reality, I did feel a bit put out and I was wondering why I felt that way. The only money he paid in there was £4 for two cokes (I know this because he was delighted at the cheap price, he thought they would charge £50 for a drink Grin), the entrance was paid for by the kitty they all contributed to at the start of the night and he had no dances. I suspect if he had to pay more to get in he may have changed his mind....!

Also, whether right or wrong, I wouldn't go as far as to say he was comprimising his principles by going in there. He had no real moral objection to the place, it just wasn't his cup of tea and not somewhere he wanted to go to. Now he has seen it, I think he does feel a bit more stongly about what goes on in there.

And I am not, nor certainly have ever been, male appeasing! I think if anyone were to say that to my dh he would fall off his chair laughing. I just thought it would be something that wouldn't bother me, if I had any reservations at the time I would not have been backwards in coming forwards in bringing it up!

I think I am going to bow out now, this thread now has a life of it's own and is going off onto a completely different tangent.

But thank you to everybody who has taken the time to reply. If I find out any more after speaking to my dh, I shall be sure to let you know...

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocolateWineAndShoes · 03/10/2011 13:37

Doublechocchip Thank you, that is reassuring to hear!

OP posts:
scotchmeg · 03/10/2011 13:48

Doublechoc chip - you are one of the 10-34%. There aren't many of you.

LeQueen · 03/10/2011 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

windsorTides · 03/10/2011 14:09

The OP has said that the stag had "multiple 'private' dances as did most of the stag party" so either times have changed LeQueen, your friend was glossing over the reality, or the OP's partner went to a very different sort of club.

Comparing sexual services to other business transactions is absurd, Solidgoldbrass. Cooking, restaurant-waiting or toenail-clipping are not gendered activities, where the service provider is objectified purely for their sexuality and not the other services they provide.

OP I'm glad this thread has helped you to think about why you felt you needed to be "cool" about this. I hope this incident might help you and your partner to look at the politics of the sex industry and why it does so much harm to women, especially.

SingleMan25b · 03/10/2011 14:10

Personally I feel sorry for the guy - the OPs insecurity about the event, has transformed the night into something much bigger than it ever was.

The OPs dh will probably feel rightly miffed at being drawn over the coals when he has been so straight forward about the event from the start.

mumsamilitant · 03/10/2011 14:11

No, I wouldn't be a stripper, Dominatrix maybe Smile

CheeseandGherkins · 03/10/2011 14:16

Yeah poor guy, he must have been traumatised at being dragged into a lap dancing club without his consent; oh wait... If it was such a hardship and he was barely in there then why not just go home?

My dh was out with friends (before he even met me) and they went into a lap dancing club but he declined and returned home as he doesn't like those places. He got called the usually names and questioned if he was gay etc but he didn't care. They'd all been out drinking up until that point too so he wasn't sober. Think he was about 20 at the time too so it is entirely possible to say no.

YouDoTheMath · 03/10/2011 14:17

I think what it comes down to is that it's one thing saying you wouldn't mind him going, but quite another when he's actually been.

I.e., you may think you're going to be OK with it (when it hasn't happened yet), but the feelings you get following his action of actually going are real, vivid, and upsetting.

I think I would react in much the same way in both instances - I would say I was OK with it beforehand, but if he actually went I would feel a little upset. I suppose it's natural.

I doubt one trip to a lap dancing club will change his personality - I don't think he'll be hungry for more. I think he's been there and done it, and from your account, he wasn't particularly impressed.

Just allow yourself to go through the "feelings" stage. That's all it is - a reaction to a recent event. Give it a few days and you'll feel better.

solidgoldbrass · 03/10/2011 14:19

But people who provide a service for money are objectified. You don't think of the home life, religious faith or favourite hobby of the person who serves your egg and chips, you think of that person as 'cook' or 'waiter.' Women are routinely objectified as 'mother of' or 'wife of'. Most of the hostility to the sex industry that is not appeased by strategies to ensure safety and better working conditions for sex workers comes from this idea that sex is something special and dreadful rather than - like playing a musical instrument - something that you can do for fun or for money.

windsorTides · 03/10/2011 14:22

It's the oldest trick in the book to claim that people who are against the sex industry are against sex as a fun activity. IME, once someone puts forward that particular argument, they have lost....

ilovesooty · 03/10/2011 14:26

And I am not, nor certainly have ever been, male appeasing!

You didn't sound "male appeasing" to me and I think that anyone suggesting you and your attitude are male appeasing is being patronising.

TheRealTillyMinto · 03/10/2011 14:35

I would not want my DP to go to a lap dancing bar, in the same way i would not want him to go to an English Defense League event.

Both would make me think 'how on earth have i ended up with such a tosser?'

scotchmeg · 03/10/2011 14:47

"realtilly" you are spot on.

blondie80 · 03/10/2011 14:50

dh has been on many stag do's, i don't ask or care to know what goes on at them.

TheSecondComing · 03/10/2011 14:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrMan · 03/10/2011 14:59

I find myself agreeing with the anti-lapdancing crowd. and yet...

How far do you take the argument? Should we ban "sexy" music videos on MTV? Should we ban the threads on MN talking about how they would serve up X, Y or Z hottie with chocolate sauce ?

I am having problems seeing where to draw the line.

bemybebe · 03/10/2011 15:03

"All those in favour of strip clubs and who think the women in there are well looked after and that actually they're the ones exploiting the men... would you do it?"
scotchmeg I am not convinced by this argument as I would not like to work at abbatoir or be a dental nurse either. Does not mean I do not eat meat or do not have my yearly dental appointments.

I strongly doubt that my school mates who ended up in the sex industry were sexually abused. they were certainly not drug addicts. i knew them from a very young age (7yo) and they come from a very solid background, though I would say that their parents have also placed disproportionate weight on material comforts and goods, as did they when they grew up.

Tyr · 03/10/2011 15:07

OP,

You had an understanding with your husband. He honoured it and was honest.

There is nothing more to it. Let it go.