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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH and Lapdancing club

188 replies

ChocolateWineAndShoes · 03/10/2011 10:06

Hi all,

I am new here but thought I would jump in the deep end and post in AIBU as I genuinely don't know if I am being unreasonable or not! I suspect I am, so feel free to give it to me straight

My dh went to a mutual friend's stag do over the weekend. As a general rule he's not really into going out with the boys all that much, he's pretty much a homebody. But I talked him into going - he wasn't that keen but he works hard and we have a 4 year old and an 11 month old so I thought he could do with a night off to have fun.

Here is where I am not sure if IABU or not....I made a joke about them going to a strip bar, which is really not his thing. He said to me that he really hoped they wouldn't as he wouldn't be comfortable there. I then said that it would be ok with me as a one off for someones stag do, as long as he didn't get any dances.

Well, you can all guess where they ended up of course. As soon as my dh walked through the door yesterday morning I asked how it went and he then asked me how much I wanted to know. I told him to tell me everything... So, after a long night boozing they ended up going to this bar. Dh says as soon as they turned up outside he realised what it was and his heart sank. But he didn't want to be a party pooper and he went in with them. Apparently the groom-to-be had multiple 'private' dances as did most of the stag party. Only my dh and one or two others didn't have any dances. I asked if he was approached by any of the girls but he said no as he pretty much spent the night either outside smoking or playing on his phone sitting at the back while the stag party propped up the bar surrounded by the girls. The only time he even spoke to any of them was when he was smoking and 2 of the girls came out for a break. One asked him for a cigerette and asked if he had a dance yet. He said no, no offence but it's really not his kind of thing and she said ok, and went back to her friend. My dh said he felt really sad as she looked so young.

Aaaaaanyway, (sorry for the essay!), they eventually left and went back to the hotel. Now, when he told me this I was fine and thanked him for telling me (I have no reason to doubt his version of events btw, although I am aware I may have some posters doubting him ). He was really shocked at the groom-to-be, and didn't know whether to tell me in case it puts me in a position with his fiancee. I actually suspect she won't be bothered.

But here's my issue. Despite me initially saying I wouldn't mind if he ended up at one of those places, I am actually feeling a bit upset by it. I don't know why. I do believe he had no dances, without question. He is not an 'ogler' and he's not the type to have his eyes on stalks. He is very respectful in regards to women. So what is my problem? I am a bit insecure from having a baby 11 months ago, and knackered from being a sahm and still bf-ing so maybe that would explain it?

So AIBU to feel annoyed with him? I don't really want to talk to him today but I know that I have no right really to be a bitch as he didn't do anything wrong. But I feel hurt and I have no idea why.

Aaaaarrggghh! Come on then, slap some sense into me!

OP posts:

metalelephant · 03/10/2011 18:48

Tyr, what did one come to the church for if not for the hymns and sermon? I'd love to know.

AnyFucker · 03/10/2011 18:50

bemybebe my apologies, I thought you had mentioned it before, upthread

on re-checking, I was wrong

I withdraw my personal dig at you

bemybebe · 03/10/2011 18:51

no problem...

AnyFucker · 03/10/2011 18:52

cheers

WilsonFrickett · 03/10/2011 23:06

Wow, head out for the day and miss a lot of drama. Much has been said on this thread but really, that said, seeing beautiful young teenagers being licked by fat Europeans on Cuban beaches [bleugh] I would absolutely see exploitation, whilst I do not see it in SpearmintRhino

Really bemy? REALLY you can't see that both situations are equally exploitative?

bemybebe · 03/10/2011 23:42

Wilson 'Equally'? Really? I am happy to be corrected, but as I see it one is being openly touched and almost certainly fucked later, probably raped having being paid peanuts if anything (average Cuban salary is 10-15USD per MONTH). Another - 'no touch' policy, reasonable wage if what I hear is right and certainly no threat of rape. Please do not tell me that in the UK people are forced to sell themselves because otherwise they go hungry and homeless.

(I am obviously not talking about human trafficking cases, which are just abhorrent, should be stamped out in the most aggressive way and people perpetrating it deserve the severe punishment.)

WilsonFrickett · 03/10/2011 23:50

The no-touch policy is bollocks. Any bouncer presence is based in protecting the income stream, rather than the women.

And - with respect - I see no difference to a girl being fucked on a beach to pay for her family than a girl shaking her freshly shaven fanny in a mans face to pay for her degree. they are both being exploited. Equally. I do not see risk of rape as a differentiator either, while we're on the subject.

notlettingthefearshow · 04/10/2011 00:02

He sounds like a nice guy and he did his best with a difficult situation. I think you have both been really reasonable. It's a shame that peer pressure results in even decent men going to strip clubs or worse. It doesn't matter that he refused a dance. He is still supporting strip clubs by entering one. Inwardly of course you can feel uncomfortable, but all you can say is something like, 'You know I was surprised how upset I felt after you went. Even though I trust you, I don't like to think of you in that kind of environment. It's strange, isn't it?'

bemybebe · 04/10/2011 00:04

But one is really forced by the circumstances and the other - not really. Her choice. Stupid choice in most cases.

How do you know about no-touch policy being "bollocks" btw? Are we talking about all or some LD clubs? Don't get me wrong, I do not like the LD clubs at all, but I do think it is not "exploitation" if consent is obtained.

Original poster

ChocolateWineAndShoes · 04/10/2011 10:06

Hello again, OP here!

Just popping in quickly, it has been really interesting to see the debate that has been going on. Thank you to all those who offered their advice and thoughts on my situation (however honest!). You will be pleased to know that I took it on board and didn't sulk with my DH :) We had a chat when he got home, I explained how I felt and he said he suspected as much, he understood and that I have no need to worry as he has no intention of going to one again and didn't enjoy his time there at all. He said the whole atmosphere was fake and seedy and he just felt uncomfortable. So we had a little cuddle and I feel much better.

What is interesting though, is I was speaking to one of my friends about it and it turns out that her ex used to work for a lapdancing club. In that place apparently everything went on in the private rooms. He would poke his head round to check on the girls and find them having full unprotected sex with the 'clients' for example. If it was a stag do, the stag would get extra 'treats'. Obviously that doesnt happen in all places but it's apparent that it does go on. My DH said he didn't ask what went on in the private rooms on his night out, but he overheard one of the party boasting that 'she had her fanny right in my face' Urgh. These were the same men who were telling each other 'we were never here, right?' in order to hide it from their partners. I am just glad that my DH is who he is and our relationship is strong enough to talk honestly about this sort of thing.

OP posts:

ThePosieParker · 04/10/2011 10:09

OP perfect result really.

No more too cool for school, just be honest!

AnyFucker · 04/10/2011 10:15

fedupofnamechanging · 04/10/2011 10:24

Glad you've told dh how you feel and that you are happier now.

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