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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think people should not choose to get married abroad and expect everyone to come to their wedding!

173 replies

shebird · 28/09/2011 21:02

My sister has just announced that she is getting married in Italy next year and wants all the family to join her for the wedding. Normally this would not be a HUGE issue but DH and I have already booked and paid for our holiday the month before Arghhhhhh!

We were trying to be organised and book early so we could cheap flights in school holidays and it gives us almost a year to save etc. Its the only way we can afford to do it.There is no way we can afford do both the holiday and the wedding. Our flights are non refundable so not an option to cancel.

I feel really bad and I know my sister will be very cross if Im not there. But part of me thinks its all very well getting married abroad but people should consider that the expense for everyone to get there is huge. In these times when money is tight it really is a big ask.

I accept that us having booked our holiday was just bad luck but I know there are other family members, including my parents who will really have struggle to get there. Of course its their wedding and they should do it their way but also dont expect people to pay a few grand to be there on the day!

OP posts:
StrandedBear · 28/09/2011 21:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BumptiousandBustly · 28/09/2011 21:04

YANBU - my sister is also talking about getting married abroad - and frankly there is no way we could afford to do flights for all of us, and then pay to stay in a hotel all for her wedding. If she does get married abroad, we won't be coming!

LydiaWickham · 28/09/2011 21:04

YANBU - general view on here - if you have a destination wedding, you have to accept not everyone will make it (this is one of the advantages, you get to invite everyone but not actually have to feed/entertain them all).

If she really wants you there, she'll pay for it.

LydiaWickham · 28/09/2011 21:05

Oh, but would it be an option you going by youself?

troisgarcons · 28/09/2011 21:06

YANBU _ I thought the whole idea of going abroad was to avoid the family coming!!!! (jks)

maighdlin · 28/09/2011 21:07

YA SOOO NBU. my sister decided to get married in mexico and wanted the family to come out. thank god i was too pregnant to fly and got out of it. all my family were worried about paying for it but did, then luckily/unluckily however you see it, swine flu broke out and all holidays were cancelled and refunded. DSis and BIL had flown out a few days before so ended up being just the two of them, but they were happy and enjoyed themselves.

LillianGish · 28/09/2011 21:07

YANBU at all.

chocoroo · 28/09/2011 21:08

YANBU. I'm sure she'll be very disappointed but ultimately understand.

sue52 · 28/09/2011 21:08

YANBU. Why would someone want to get married in a place that they have no connection or history with? I find it all very strange.

Original poster
shebird · 28/09/2011 21:09

I've also just looked at the cost for 4 of us to go to there for just a few days and its over TWICE the cost of our family holiday. Even if we had not already booked our family holiday we could still not justify this trip. My sister says it will be cheaper for her to have the wedding abroad but im not sure she has considered that it is a very expensive trip for the rest of us!

OP posts:
Bunbaker · 28/09/2011 21:12

I agree. It's the same with hen and stag dos as well.

Whatmeworry · 28/09/2011 21:12

YANBU her risk. If she really wants you, she'll pay for you to come over.

LydiaWickham · 28/09/2011 21:15

Shebird - then if she really wants you there, she can spend some of that money she's saving paying for you to go (even if it's just you for just a long weekend). If not she needs to accept the 'cost' of her 'cheap' wedding is to have her wedding witness by those amongst her friends and family who have the most money and holiday allowance, not those who care about her the most.

Original poster
shebird · 28/09/2011 21:15

@LydiaWickham
I am considering this as a last resort but it wouldn't be the same being at a family occasion without DH and DCs there:(

OP posts:
TurkeyBurgerThing · 28/09/2011 21:19

DH and I got married abroad. This was his exact feeling too! And so we paid for EVERYONE to come....

It was bloody brilliant, best week you could imagine. And it all cost less than the "average" uk wedding for just one day!

Original poster
shebird · 28/09/2011 21:21

Also I'm not entirely sure the wedding would work out any cheaper than having a wedding closer to home. There's the expense of staying there for a start and then maybe a trip there a few months before to sort out paperwork. And the worse thing is you have all your family and friends on honeymoon with you - not sure she's really thought this throughConfused

OP posts:
plupervert · 28/09/2011 21:25

Has she paid any deposits yet? That is: is there still time for her to reconsider? If so, perhaps someone could get to work on her, pointing out the number of dropouts she would face...

Original poster
shebird · 28/09/2011 21:26

TurkeyBurgerThing
What a nice thing to do!
I dont think my sister could afford do the same though - Ill keep trying the euro millions!

OP posts:
Seona1973 · 28/09/2011 21:26

we got married abroad and invited no-one at all! We asked a couple staying at our hotel to be the witnesses and to share our wedding meal and got photos/video done for mine and dh's parents. We lived in England at the time and all my family were in Scotland so a wedding in the UK would have ended up very expensive which is why we decided to get married in Kenya! We had to be there for a few days before we could get married and we did a mini safari too and the rest of the holiday was our honeymoon.

Original poster
shebird · 28/09/2011 21:34

Seona1973
DH and I did something similar last year - got married abroad in secret to avoid the cost and also any family wedding hassle like this!!! This is partly the reason that I don't want to create too much fuss because I don't want to be seen to be imposing my way of doing things on her day if you know what I mean. At the same time I feel annoyed that she hasn't considered what a big ask it is for people to find the money and use their precious holiday time to attend her day.

OP posts:
BearBehavingBadly · 28/09/2011 21:35

YANBU.
My undarling sister has thrown a hissy fit because me, DH & DD can't afford to go to Cyprus (where the wedding will take place.) Also it means DD missing the first week of term starting YR 1. Apparently I'm selfish & think more of DD than sister.....WTF?

I once read on a Wedding Etiquette site that
A: If you want people to come to your overseas wedding then you should allow your guests at least 18 months notice to save up for it.
&
B: If guests cannot afford to come, then you should be gracious & accept that. Or offer to pay if you really want them there.

Davinaaddict · 28/09/2011 21:45

YANBU - we got married in Mexico but started planning ours 3 years in advance and made sure everyone knew of our plans. We invited about 40 people and ended up with 14, but in no way expected people to come. It was more a 'we would love it if you could be there' and we threw a big party in the UK after we got back, for everyone else not invited or not able to go to Mexico.

It was meant to be cheaper but probably didn't work out that way after we'd paid for wedding, honeymoon and party but it was worth every penny, and I'd do it the same again in a heartbeat.

Sorry to hear you won't be able to go OP but your DSis is BU if she is expecting you to be there, when she's not given you enough notice, nor contributing to the costs. Hope you manage to sort it out Sad

chicletteeth · 28/09/2011 21:49

YANBU.
My brother and his now wife decided to get married abroad (they already live in western Canada and decided to go even further west Hmm) and they told us all of their plans and asked us to join them, but said they'd understand if nobody could.

We had a lot of notice and we decided to go (especially since my whole family flew here to my wedding) but there was never any pressure or expectation, just an invitation

chicletteeth · 28/09/2011 21:51

Lovely thing to do turkey

GwendolineMaryLacey · 28/09/2011 21:54

YANBU. Its tough tits.