to think people should not choose to get married abroad and expect everyone to come to their wedding!

[shebird]

My sister has just announced that she is getting married in Italy next year and wants all the family to join her for the wedding. Normally this would not be a HUGE issue but DH and I have already booked and paid for our holiday the month before Arghhhhhh!

We were trying to be organised and book early so we could cheap flights in school holidays and it gives us almost a year to save etc. Its the only way we can afford to do it.There is no way we can afford do both the holiday and the wedding. Our flights are non refundable so not an option to cancel.

I feel really bad and I know my sister will be very cross if Im not there. But part of me thinks its all very well getting married abroad but people should consider that the expense for everyone to get there is huge. In these times when money is tight it really is a big ask.

I accept that us having booked our holiday was just bad luck but I know there are other family members, including my parents who will really have struggle to get there. Of course its their wedding and they should do it their way but also dont expect people to pay a few grand to be there on the day!

Well, it's all about the bride innit? Her day and all that

I got married abroad- it's my biggest regret. Slightly different though, as my family took over and we ended up with a wedding so far removed from what we wanted it meant nothing. Worse than that though, was that hardly anyone important to us could come. My little formality of a registry office wedding we had before and the party afterwards is now what I regard as my real wedding, and my wedding abroad is down as a spectacularly disappointing honeymoon!

When my dcs were small there's really no way we could have shelled out for the equivalent of two holidays in one summer. And we weren't actually broke, either, just needing to be very careful about what we spent.

I've just come back from Italy (a country I know well) and even the most reasonable and modest hotels are well nigh ?100 per room per night. As for Ryanair, even if they flew anywhere near anywhere, they are notorious for being far from cheap by the time you add in the extras. So actually, it would be expensive to go to a wedding in Italy even if you budget carefully.

I've no objection to people getting married abroad although I'm always a bit baffled about why you'd want to marry anywhere that you have no connections with. But if you make that choice, there's no point getting the conniptions when you discover a fair proportion of your expected guests will have to decline. Which is why the quiet wedding abroad and big party back home often works far better than an unrealistic expectation of everyone being able to join you.

I'm not saying it isnt cheeky and entitled for the bride to expect everyone to travel abroad for a wedding. I'm just saying that 'cost' isnt an excuse when you can get there for a few hundred with a bit of advance booking. The OP has probably close to 12 months notice and the wedding is immediate family.

Not being able to find childcare is the weakest excuse of them all IMO, unless its short notice.

Given some of the responses here, I think its safe to say that these tired old excuses have been used a fair few times by MNers who couldnt be arsed. Fair enough - I've used them myself, but dont think for a minute that the married couple didnt know this.

You are so bloody arrogant . Do you really think that your situation is representative of everyone else's? Are you really that dense that you judge everyone else's circumstances by your own? That 'few hundred' is a fuckload of money to some people. Why can't you get that into your skull?

YANBU extremely annoying and selfish to assume that everyone can afford to come.

PMSL at cost and childcare being poor excuses. What the actual fuck lassy?! People scrimp and save for smaller amounts - shuffling they do so for someone else's wedding? And as for childcare, well I wouldn't just palm my DC off and wouldn't leave them if not happy. Do you have kids?

If that someone else is a sister, then yes.

No need to posters to pour scorn towards me. I'm not the one thinking back over all the weddings I couldnt be arsed to go to, and wondering if they knew.

my (only) sister is getting married in new york next summer and we are not going.
to fly dh myself and our 3 children and stay in manhatten for 5 days in JULY, the most expensive month, would cost us over £6000.
no fucking way could we afford that, in fact that is more than i spent on my own wedding.
my sis moaned until i pointed out that if she wanted us there she could pay for us to come. it is costing my parents a lot of money that they call ill afford to go, and sometimes i wonder what plant my sister lives on.
but it is her wedding so i smile and keep my mouth shut.

lassy it works both ways. Why didn't her sister consider her family before deciding to make life difficult by marrying abroad? she didn't even check if her close family members had plans already?

Yanbu. However,it is your sister could you not go for a v short trip? You have booked ahead for yr holiday,could you not do the same? Has she got any info on local budget hotels etc. If not,then perhaps suggest she finds some.
Destination weddings always get a divided response on here. We got married abroad, I did send out invites to v close friends but knew it was unlikely they would come. The two couples we met there the year before when we got engaged did come which was amazing,so touching! We paid for all the family though,they had an amazing holiday & they went home before us so we had our honeymoon.

We could probably save that ourselves. Well, I hope we can, as I'm actually trying to save that much by 12 months' time!

But I wouldn't spend all those months' worth of effort on someone else's wedding, especially not if they'd chosen to hold it abroad!

Completely agree Iggly.

Lassy - a few hundred even with a bit of advance booking isn't possible for everyone on top of an already booked family holiday. I think you do actually know that, don't you? However, if it's the teensy amount you seem to think it is I would imagine that the bride will cough up happily if it means her sister can attend.

Just as a matter of interest, how many children do you have, and how would you manage childcare for 2 or 3 days if all of your family were attending a wedding abroad?

OP, YANBU. If DSis wants to marry abroad, that's lovely, but she shouldn't assume anyone else will be able to make it. Perhaps it would be more sensible if she had a quiet wedding abroad, and then a big family party when she returns? Perhaps you could offer to help arrange/host this?

We don't have children, but would have to think long and hard about the expense of going somewhere like this, and to be honest, if I was saving to go abroad, then I'd want that money to go on somewhere that I and DH wanted to visit, not just a random somewhere that a relative wanted to go to. I realise things are different where one party is from overseas, or there are family connections to a particular place, but that doesn't seem to apply here. Like many people, I'd always assumed that these sorts of weddings come with the expectation that none or very few relatives will join you and that can often be a good thing, especially where family relationships are complicated. Don't think the bride and groom have any right to be disappointed at people's non attendance when it is this far/expensive.

lassylass I've declined invitations to foreign weddings in plain English, never had to wonder afterwards if they knew my reasons were excuses. Being truthful is pretty useful.

I always assume that if a couple are getting wed abroad they are kinda saying they dont want anyone there.

I always say no thank you when invited to these, but so far thats been very easy as its not been close family.

If it were close family I would do my best to attend but would not do so if I couldnt afford it. If like the OP I had already booked my hols then no, theres no way I could do 2 holidays in a year.

"Yes I've told her we might not be able to make it but now I've looked at the cost I know we can't! She just laughed it off and said 'oh im sure you will sort something out'!"

Definitely, definitely, tell her ASAP that the 'something' you've worked out is to decline the invitation. Tell her exactly how much it would cost you to attend, and emphasise that it simply cannot be afforded. And ask how she expects your parents and younger sister to afford it. Unless she's a complete arse it might make her think more about the rift between wedding she wants and the wedding she will get with her current plan.

For some people, a few hundred IS a big deal. And personally I'd be embarrassed to be a bride that expected guests to shell out a few hundred to attend.

Cost and lack of childcare are both VALID reasons for not attending a wedding. If you'd really like to go, but can't afford it or can't find reliable childcare, then it's a valid reason. If you have difficulty with that concept, that's really not my problem. Who the hell made you the "valid reason" decision maker?

A close friend had a wedding in Italy in the Lakes. We couldn't all afford to go(3 DC) but DD was asked as flower girl so big ask. In the end she and I went alone, leaving DH and boys at home. Flights, though with easy jet, were not cheap. Hotel was not cheap (cheapest could get that was closest so could walk to wedding) Transport from airport was not cheap-had to get pre-booked taxi, as 1)no train direct to town of wedding and 2)was not going to hire car and try and find my way in a foreign country on a 3hr road trip with a 5yr old. Food whilst there, was also not cheap. Italy is v v expensive. Whole trip, and only went for 3days, counting travelling time cost £1000 and that was in May, non school holiday time!

Sorry, but if you marry abroad, you can not expect people to afford to join you.

lassylass who are you to decide if other people can get childcare? Or can afford to save a set amount of money? Such arrogance.
Anyway, back to the OP. Of course you're not being unreasonable. Personally I would just explain that you can't afford it. I wouldn't attend any one's wedding abroad [with the possible exception of one of my own children]. I also wouldn't do the 3 days in Devon without children thing. If you want people to attend your wedding then make it as easy and as affordable for the guests as possible.
2 out of my 4 siblings couldn't attend my wedding [for different reasons] but hey, I just accepted that. I didn't expect them to rearrange their lives to suit me, just because I was getting married.

I think that people need to use a bit of common sense in organising a wedding. (yes I know bridezilla and common sense do not go together)
Weddings are for the family to get together and celebrate a marriage.
Honeymoons are for going off on holiday.

You generally invite your guests to the wedding, not the honeymoon.

YANBU. It's a risk you have to expect with abroad weddings. There's always a trade-off. Sometimes it's an affordability thing, sometimes it's having kids, sometimes it's being elderly or unable to go because of health issues. It's massively more difficult for some people to go abroad then others and if you chose to have a wedding abroad, it's a risk you take. There's a trade-off with many weddings.

The only thing you could possibly do is you only go and take the cheapest flight/accommodation you can. That way you will at least be there. But don't kill yourself to do it, while she will be disappointed if you really can't if she's a decent sister she will understand.

Lassylass- are you royal? it's just that royalty always have childcare on tap and have an endless travel fund. They are also totally divorced from reality and have no idea how people really live.

It's massively over entitled to expect guests to impoverish themselves (is that verb) for one person's big day. I cannot believe some of the bridezilla stories I have seen on here. I would feel like saying to the bride:

"Sure we can spend £2000 on attending your wedding but you will have to pay our food bills, petrol bills, utility bills and buy new school shoes for four months so that we can afford it. Cheers!, see you there!"

I think she's just being royally silly Nesta