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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think people should not choose to get married abroad and expect everyone to come to their wedding!

173 replies

shebird · 28/09/2011 21:02

My sister has just announced that she is getting married in Italy next year and wants all the family to join her for the wedding. Normally this would not be a HUGE issue but DH and I have already booked and paid for our holiday the month before Arghhhhhh!

We were trying to be organised and book early so we could cheap flights in school holidays and it gives us almost a year to save etc. Its the only way we can afford to do it.There is no way we can afford do both the holiday and the wedding. Our flights are non refundable so not an option to cancel.

I feel really bad and I know my sister will be very cross if Im not there. But part of me thinks its all very well getting married abroad but people should consider that the expense for everyone to get there is huge. In these times when money is tight it really is a big ask.

I accept that us having booked our holiday was just bad luck but I know there are other family members, including my parents who will really have struggle to get there. Of course its their wedding and they should do it their way but also dont expect people to pay a few grand to be there on the day!

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 28/09/2011 21:54

i got married in antigua and literally had imm family - parents and brother and a friend - 8 in all including dh and i

dh and i paid for mil and bil

and then had a huge piss up party when home for rest of family and friends - which meant i could wear my dress twice :)

slavetofilofax · 28/09/2011 21:57

Of course yanbu. but you know that.

Just tell her you can't go. You have booked, and paid for another trip, so you simply can't do it.

Going without my dh and dc wouldn't be an option for me in this situation.

If she wants you there that much, she will offer to pay for you. If she doesn't offer to pay, then you know that having her family around her on her wedding day are less important than the right destination. You can tell her that if she tries to emotionally blackmail you into coming.

SurprisEs · 28/09/2011 21:58

YANBU I got married abroad as I am foreign and my husband is English. We chose to donut in my country because his family is much much smaller than mine and would be easier to accommodate and because value for money is greater in my country when it comes to weddings.

We made this decision and were glad all his family made it tithe wedding but had discussed that we would not be offended if someone didn't go as we understood the limitations.

Can you ask your sister to pay for some of your expense? Could she afford to?

Original poster
shebird · 28/09/2011 22:10

No I don't think they could afford to pay for us. Tbh I would rather they paid for my parents as its more important that they are there and i know they will struggle to make it and my younger sister who's a student!

OP posts:
SurprisEs · 28/09/2011 22:14

In that case she will just have to understand. Have you told her you can't go? If yes, what was her first reaction?

Original poster
shebird · 28/09/2011 22:20

Yes I've told her we might not be able to make it but now I've looked at the cost I know we can't! She just laughed it off and said 'oh im sure you will sort something out'!

OP posts:
SurprisEs · 28/09/2011 22:30

Well, tell her you definitely can't make it. Gives her plenty of time to find a solutiin herself or to just come to terms with you not being there.

ViviPru · 28/09/2011 22:48

YANBU. Gaaaahhh! When will people realise that unless you are keen for it to be just the two of you, you shouldn't put people in this position. I've bored the board over the last 24 hrs with my similar situation so won't go on about it here, but I wish I'd just said a resounding NO from the outset. It's so miserable though because you so want to share it with them.

Selfish people. Pft.

mummc2 · 28/09/2011 23:10

Me and the family attended a wedding about 5 years ago abroad in cyprus, my hubby was best man and luckily enough we were in a position to afford it. But a couple of years later his best friend and good friend of mine decided he was getting married in italy, I had just found out I was pregnant with DD2 and she would be 4 mths so my DH went on his own for 3 days. Even this was very very expensive because of getting married in middle of nowhere. So groom paid for villa and all else and we just paid for flights.

I would explain to your sister that you are being very serious that you have just booked your holiday and theres is no way you can afford the wedding too and no I cant cancel my holiday. See what she says

happylittlebear · 28/09/2011 23:33

Never understood this sense of entitlement people have, DEMANDING people spend thousands of pounds and take leave from work to go to a country they haven't asked to go to, because it's MY wedding...
DPs whole family refused to speak to us for weeks after we decided we couldn't afford to go to his cousins wedding abroad as we were saving to buy a house, apparently that's not really a good enough reason and we could've waited....IDIOTS Angry

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/09/2011 06:15

YANBU... My brother got married in Vegas completely oblivious to the fact that I couldn't afford to go and that our disabled father wouldn't be able to make such a long trip. That's the sum total of his immediate family excluded and it ended up being just her family and a few friends there on the day... Still pissed off about it tbh.

troisgarcons · 29/09/2011 06:42

Anyone I've known to get married abroad doesnt usually expect anyone else to tag along but there is usually a rather good party when they get back!

NoobyNoob · 29/09/2011 07:01

YANBU - We got married in Kenya in 2007, knowing full well it would just be me and DH as we didn't want anyone else there.

lassylass · 29/09/2011 07:43

Dont ryanair etc fly to italy then?

The days of being able to use cost as an excuse for dodging a wedding in Europe, when it isnt happening untill next year, are long gone. You only need to be out there for 1 day, so fly out the night before, back the morning after.

Just be honest with her and say you cant be arsed. Shes only your sister.

YABU.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/09/2011 07:48

Even with Ryanair lassylass a weekend trip with two nights in hotels, plus all the usual requirements for new clothes, gifts etc..... You might have that kind of money lying around spare but not many do.

LetThereBeRock · 29/09/2011 07:48

YANBU. She has no right to be cross with you.She's choosing to marry abroad so has to accept that not everyone will be able to go,or want to go.

LetThereBeRock · 29/09/2011 07:51

Not everyone can afford it Lassy. You can't marry abroad and expect everyone to go. Flights,even if relatively cheap,and accommodation add a considerable sum to an already very expensive occasion.

lassylass · 29/09/2011 07:54

Gifts? OPs gift is her attendance.

Two nights in a cheap hotel nearby, a few tickets on ryanair. Anyone can save that over a year, and certainly someone who can afford a week holiday abroad. I dont think were taking benefits breadline here.

New clothes etc are entirely optional.

LetThereBeRock · 29/09/2011 07:59

Anyone? Really? I don't think so. Some people can barely feed themselves and cover bills. Not that I'm suggesting that the OP is in that situation but many are. They don't have any money to spare,and even if they can just about scrape it together I couldn't blame them for wanting to use it for other means. It wasn't the OP's decision to marry abroad. You don't get to whinge if you have a child free wedding either when some people don't go or can't go.

LetThereBeRock · 29/09/2011 08:00

If she really wants the family to be there then she should have her wedding in the UK and honeymoon in Italy.

CristinadellaPizza · 29/09/2011 08:01

'A few ryanair flights and a couple of nights in a cheap hotel' is going to be around a grand for a family of four.

You really have no idea do you lassylass? Hmm

OP YANBU - your sister is being very silly. I have friends who married in Italy and they paid for their family and gave everyone else two years' notice

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 29/09/2011 08:08

No I don't think 'anyone' can save £1000 or more over a year. Clearly you live in some kind of bubble.

OP YANBU. My cousin is getting married in Italy next year, and we hope to attend. With flights and car hire, or driving plus hotel, meals etc we are thinking £1500 minimum for the four of us.
We are fortunate to be in a position to afford it and still take our planned holiday next year, but if she had done it any sooner we would have had to decline.

lassylass · 29/09/2011 08:21

Yes anyone. This is the UK - no-one is that hard up that they cant beg, borrow save or scrounge over the course of a year for a budget airline flight to an immediate family members wedding. If times are that tough then OP can go herself and leave her family behind. Its the effort that counts.

I agree its an arse to have to do, low priority, but then people need to be honest with themselves over why they arent going. Its rarely the cost.

Child free weddings - its not the cost of childcare that annoys, its the fact that your kids arent invited. Same thing here. People can go, they just dont want to.

CristinadellaPizza · 29/09/2011 08:24

So you think it's sensible to take out a loan that you can't afford to go to a wedding?

Bonkers

lassylass · 29/09/2011 08:27

"You really have no idea do you lassylass?"

A grand? Pull the other one.

Family of 4 return flight Rome via ryanair, Jan 2011 out Friday back sunday - £230 quid inc taxes.

Hotel room for 4 for 2 nights, what, 100euros.

Food at the wedding - free.

Its just excuses.