to think people should not choose to get married abroad and expect everyone to come to their wedding!

[shebird]

My sister has just announced that she is getting married in Italy next year and wants all the family to join her for the wedding. Normally this would not be a HUGE issue but DH and I have already booked and paid for our holiday the month before Arghhhhhh!

We were trying to be organised and book early so we could cheap flights in school holidays and it gives us almost a year to save etc. Its the only way we can afford to do it.There is no way we can afford do both the holiday and the wedding. Our flights are non refundable so not an option to cancel.

I feel really bad and I know my sister will be very cross if Im not there. But part of me thinks its all very well getting married abroad but people should consider that the expense for everyone to get there is huge. In these times when money is tight it really is a big ask.

I accept that us having booked our holiday was just bad luck but I know there are other family members, including my parents who will really have struggle to get there. Of course its their wedding and they should do it their way but also dont expect people to pay a few grand to be there on the day!

Really? You think that anyone in the UK can save up £1000 in one year? Seriously? Hahahahahaha! I wish I lived on your planet

Yes some people really are that hard up. And just because the OP can afford one holiday it doesn't mean that she can afford two.

As for child free weddings it's not so much the cost as trying to find a suitable and reliable babysitter when the majority of one's family are also going to be at the wedding.
However even if people choose not to go I still think the couple have no right to whinge,and I'm not against child free weddings.
You can't expect everyone to go along with your demands regardless of the cost or inconvenience it may cause to others.

"You can't expect everyone to go along with your demands regardless of the cost or inconvenience it may cause to others."

Totally agree, but you need to put the 'inconvenience' bit in bold, becasue that is what this is about. Cost is just an excuse.

Jan 2012, not Jan 2011.

Again I'll repeat that not everyone can afford it,whether you believe it or not,and January 2012 is but a few months away,though I'm not sure when the wedding is.

Yanbu
I am perfectly happy to say " can't do that -sorry" when people try to turn their wedding into a massive event.
It is fine to do your wedding abroad but you are a twit if you don't accept that your decision places a financial burden on your guests and quite selfish if you don't care.

Not everyone can save £1,000 in a year. What a ridiculous thing to say

So your prices could be very different at the time. Weddings are expensive enough without having to pay for flights and accommodation on top of that. And again not everyone can afford it,or even if they can will be willing to spend the money on flying abroad for two days when they can put it to better use.

OP, of course YANBU. Your sister is perfectly right to have her wedding the way she wants it - it is their day after all! - but she has also has to accept that a wedding invitation is not a summons. If you choose to get married abroad you have to accept that not everyone you would like to invite will be able to make it.

Lassylass YABVVU - you are right in saying that trips to Europe are (relatively) cheap these days, but that is hardly the point. It is not up to her sister to decide for her how she spend her money, and expect her to prioritise her day. That is Bridezilla entitlement at its worst!

OP if DSis has her heart set on a Italian wedding could you suggest to her that they throw a congratulations party on their return to the UK so that you, and presumably a lot of other friends and family can celebrate with them?

That'd also be the Jan 2012 that's a few months away just the other side of Christmas and, in my particular case, dd's birthday and a new baby. I can tell you categorically that if a wedding invitation in Rome Jan 2012 came for me now, we would be staying at home. If it had come for me 6 months ago we'd be staying at home. Sorry to burst your bubble but not everyone's circumstances are identical to yours.

The £1000 costs thing has been disproven Pagwatch. Its was just further reinforcement of the 'excuse'.

I chose Jan 2012 randomly. The OP has much longer than that to book flights, and may well get them cheaper.

OPs sister isnt gong to think 'I made a mistake having an italian wedding becasue my darling OP cant come due to money'. Shes going to think 'OP has had a year to save up - she just cant be bothered at the inconvenience becasue I know her personal curcumstances and shes not that hard up'.

And I suspect she'd be right.

Same with the 'cant get childcare' excuse.

actually as the wedding is in the summer, then flights and accomodation etc will prob be more expensive due to summer holiday increases?

my sister had this issue with her sil to be (her brothers brother and his fiance) decided to get married abroad and they chose south africa as their destination! lovey but LOTS of money, ok for them as they work for an airline, but my sis and her dh and lots of friends etc couldnt find that kind of money, int he end they got married in Italy, it was still expensive BUT my sis and her dh went a few days before and stayed for a few days after and visited some sights and 'made' it their holiday iyswim?

everyone talks about the cost of flights etc but for some people it would be passports etc as well, and that would also add up.

Lassylass- I wholeheartedly disagree with you. For people with spare cash, going to a wedding abroad is not a problem. With families who have NO spare cash or who had the temerity to book a family holiday with their children that year, it's no joke trying to gather the cash for a wedding. Until recently, we couldn't afford a takeaway or petrol to visit relatives, so even cheap plane tickets would have been beyond our remit completely. We are not alone- the credit crunch has bitten a lot of people hard.

As for the "can't get childcare" excuse- words fail me. Most people who "can't get childcare" actually CAN'T get childcare. You cannot make a sweeping generalisation when you don't know WHY people can't get childcare.

OP- YANBU. I have no problem with couples wanting to slope off and have a beach wedding, but getting narky when invited guests can't shake their magic money tree to join them or ring Mary Poppins is tacky and rude.

There's a certain arrogance to a bride and groom expecting families to use a wad of hard earned, hard to come by cash for their own wedding-y means.

Is lassy on a wind up? Is it your wedding?

The OP has a holiday booked already immediately before. She Cannot Cancel It. that plus the extra money to attend the wedding (all food wont be free - they'll need food on the other days too ) plus costs of attending a wedding anyway eg outfits.

People who get married abroad then expect guests to drop everything are being selfish. End of. I had a very good friend who got married abroad and expected me to fly over with a young baby at a time of year when we couldn't do it. Ridiculous. I didn't go.

I, on the other hand, wanted friends and family at my wedding. It was top priority. So we got married 20 mins from home and everything was in one place. Really I would love to have got married in the lake district (not even abroad), but knew it was not an option as too far.

Some people

Yanbu. I got married abroad, with just my parents and one friend. I had. Wedding blessing and reception afterwards so DH and I had a day about us and a day about our guests.

Total Bridezilla stuff, but you could go alone to cut costs.

I had a friend who wanted me to go to her wedding to a particular destination in Italy as a family of four, it was short-notice and they kindly reserved some villas for people to stay in, they were 600 pounds for the weekend! Plus the flights and transfer to the middle of nowhere (as these weddings are always in remote mountain villages, never near an airport). I had to point out that I couldn't outlay 2000 pounds at short notice! She just didn't get it, even though she had almost no money herself, I think people block the practical side of it and think about the white dress. It's quite humiliating admitting you can't go for money reasons.

Go alone rather than not go at all though.

OP if your sister was getting married 'at home' would you cancel your holiday?

Other than that YANBU.

lassy do be quiet, there's a dear.

The key is in the wording. You get an invitation to a wedding, not a summons.

And I suspect you didn't pick January 'randomly' at all, but because it is likely to be one of the cheapest times to fly to Italy. Ryanair also don't actually fly to Rome. They call it Rome but it is about an hour out, so you have a whopping taxi fee straight away. Do your research better if you are going to come on here quoting figures and telling people what they can and can't afford.

hahahahaha lassylass

?100 for two nights in a hotel in Italy for a family of four?

Highly unlikely.

Even a "cheap" Ibis hotel will cost about ?100 a night.

And how does the OP get from hotel to wedding venue?

Tbh, Shebird, with the £ so weak at the moment, I would be very surprised if the wedding worked out cheaper for your sis in Italy.

Which area of Italy is it?

YANBU

But then the people who think it's reasonable to expect everyone else to attend are unreasonable generally, and probably pretyy self-absorbed and selfish. There will be no convincing them to the contrary so you might as well save your breath.

Lassy, you're trying to defend the indefensible. Save the wear and tear on your keyboard and just give up now.

I disagree that OP should go alone. It's time bridezillas opened their eyes to the fact that effectively demanding that spare family money is sent in their direction is wrong.

Hardgoing- that is awful- 600 quid! Some people live in a fantasy world.

One of these days I'm going to send a bridezilla my financial breakdown and see if she can find 2k in there cos I bloody can't. It's incredibly rude to expect this and get narky when people can't come. What do they want? guests to go into debt and get loans out?

Lassy, price it up realistically.

Flights and hotel in aug plus transfers/car hire/getting to and from the wedding. Food and drink. Transfers to and from airport/carparking England side.

Even if you don't buy a gift or a new outfit it's a dear do.

Op, yanbu at all.

I call Lassylass is Mitmoo! (Or has that mystery been solved in the 24 hours since I was last on here?) OP, YANBU. We incurred almost 800 quid in costs we hadn't budgeted, just so DP (alone) could attend his bro's US wedding. It's slightly different as bro lives in the US, and his wife is American, so it wasn't them deciding on an exotic location. But it was still a hard couple of months financially, and BIL would have completely understood if DP hadn't been able to make it. Some people live in cloud cuckoo land if they think that saving up that much money just to then blow it on 3 days abroad is easy for most families.

YANBU OP - I agree with you....people place far too much onus on weddings anyway, and to expect your family and friends to spend hundreds of pounds to see you exchange vows in your pretty dress, is so self important.
If you want your friends and family there, you marry somewhere they can get to without a fucking plane!

Lassylass - go away will you.

YANBU, I refused to go to my cousins wedding and his was only in London. Same problem I'd just booked a family holiday the week before. The prospect of shelling out for a hotel in London at August bank holiday, when rooms would be top price, it could be horribly hot and I'd have two whiny small children did not appeal.

why would anyone want to fork out thousands of pounds for someone elses big day?

I would just say sorry the arrangements you have made arent convenient for me, hope you have a lovely day and thats that. No pandering, no handwringing, no angst.

The daughter of very old friends is getting married next year and she and her best-beloved are doing it abroad. Both live here. Our holiday has been hijacked. There is an elderly grandmother who no longer wants to fly and probably could not get health insurance - so far they have avoided telling here. So it's a sympathetic YANBU from me.