to think people should not choose to get married abroad and expect everyone to come to their wedding!

[shebird]

My sister has just announced that she is getting married in Italy next year and wants all the family to join her for the wedding. Normally this would not be a HUGE issue but DH and I have already booked and paid for our holiday the month before Arghhhhhh!

We were trying to be organised and book early so we could cheap flights in school holidays and it gives us almost a year to save etc. Its the only way we can afford to do it.There is no way we can afford do both the holiday and the wedding. Our flights are non refundable so not an option to cancel.

I feel really bad and I know my sister will be very cross if Im not there. But part of me thinks its all very well getting married abroad but people should consider that the expense for everyone to get there is huge. In these times when money is tight it really is a big ask.

I accept that us having booked our holiday was just bad luck but I know there are other family members, including my parents who will really have struggle to get there. Of course its their wedding and they should do it their way but also dont expect people to pay a few grand to be there on the day!

Lassy, why do you see it as a problem if people can see through an excuse? It's not.

In most cases I doubt it is an excuse anyway. It's sometimes probably more that 'We can't afford it and still do x, y and z', but the result is still the same. It can't be afforded.

I could save £1000, so it seems in your mind that I could afford it. But by being able to afford it, I would have to sacrifice something else.

I wouldn't say to my sister that I would rather go on hoilday with my own family to a place of our our choosing instead of going to one of the most days of her life, that would upset her. So I'd just say I couldn't afford it. It would be true that I can't afford it, because I can't do both. If she 'sees through' my 'excuse', then that's fine, I shouldn't have been forced into that position in the first place.

^^ That's exactly it slavetofilofax

Not being able to afford to put that money aside (or not being willing to because it's been earmarked for something important) is not an excuse Lassy, it's a reason. If the bride and groom (or you!) decide to see it as an excuse than that's their problem really.

And no, it's not her wedding, it's her sister's wedding - the same sister who is now throwing a strop because people won't immediately alter their financial plans to go to Italy to indulge her. A UK wedding is easier for everyone in the UK, but the sister (not the OP) has decided to make to harder (or in some cases impossible) for her guests to attend. Quite frankly, she should have thought of that before going ahead and booking it.

Can sister not do wedding in italy for those who afford, and have a bit of a party at home when they come back for those who couldn't make it? If i had decided on an abroad wedding, I wouldn't expect anyone to come.

It'd be nice but it's extordinarily selfish.

lassylass - of course its an excuse of sort, if the OP had to raise £1200 she could do something like sell her car, or not buy the DC and her DP Christmas pressies, she could sell her jewllary, she could give up wine for a few years and spend that money, but while there are some things in life that would be worth that sort of sacrifice to find the money, a wedding where you are neither the bride or the groom isn't one of them. It's only an 'excuse' if the OP, making no significant life changes, would have that sort of money spare.

Look at it the other way, if the bride really wanted them there, she could pay for their flights, transfers and hotels, she's got over a year to save for it, why can't the person who's got a choice of the venues and picked an expensive one not be the person to make the sacrifices over the year?

Most people are happy and excited on learning their loved one is planning to be married. Most people would be keen to attend the wedding (excepting those who just pathologically cannot stand weddings - fair enough)

BUT how many people on hearing that their loved one is having an overseas wedding think "Oh that's simply wonderful! Spending a large amount of money to visit somewhere we weren't particularly planning to go with a group of people we wouldn't particularly plan to go with is precisely what we were hoping to do next year! Hooray, pass the confetti."

The only time overseas weddings are acceptable IMO is when it is made clear from the outset that the wedding is expressly intended to be attended by a select group who have been involved in the initiating and planning of the event. Or if it is solely the bride & groom on their own.

I accept that guests do often end up having a great time, and often this style of wedding can attract many attendees. But brides are kidding themselves if they think that their guests feel the way I parodied in p2 above. And they're being sneaky and manipulative if this style of wedding is planned by way of some kind of friend-filter.

Lassylass your arrogance and fondness for Ryanair is making me think that you must be related to it's chairman Mr O Leary?

I think Lassylass has organised such a wedding and is still annoyed that someone said they could not attend due to cost/childcare.

Get over it Lassy!

Vivi and Lydia have explained it better than I could. Lassy must have a permanent nanny and loads of dosh.

Several of my friends have married abroad, then had a blessing or party over in the UK. Much more accessible and inclusive.

It's not selfish to marry abroad, but it is VERY selfish and manipulative to hassle guests who just plain can't go. It's asking people to spend upwards of a grand on your wedding and then being snotty because they actually want a life and don't want to stay in all year eating beans just to look at a bride who is the centre of attention anyway. Tacky at best, offensive at worst.

Lassy- you just don't know enough about other people's circumstances to label it all "excuses". People don't always have spare money or spare free babysitters.

I think Lassy is my sister.

We don't have the cash to spare to save up £100 per month over the next year. Could probably manage £30 a month but £360 (12 x 30) is not going to get me to Cyprus & back in one day. (not sure it can be done as at least 4 hr flight each way plus 1-2 hrs waiting......so looking like at least 12 hrs of travelling time bare minimum.)

My cousin however has said that she will be getting married also in Cyprus in Autumn 2013 but not not to worry if any of the invitees can't afford to come
as she totally understands. She will also be throwing a big party when she gets back so no one has to miss out.
My cousin is the kindest most unselfish person you could meet unlike my bloody sister!

My friend has just taken out a loan so that he and his family can go to a wedding on a cruise ship. I think its ridiculous to take out a loan so you can go to a wedding, and its ridiculous to ask people to do so!

For the last time - its not upwards of a grand. Simply repeating the figure doesnt make it true. I posted actual flight costs and hotel estimates.

12 months to save a few hundred quid is more than achievable when it is an immediate family member who is getting married.

Give over with the excuses folks. You'll earn more respect if you just say 'dont want to spend the money on you', rather than 'cant afford it '.

12 months to save a few hundred quid is more than achievable when it is an immediate family member who is getting married.

For the last time no it isn't, not for everybody FFS.

Lassylass - again, it's not when they are already saving for another holiday they have already booked. You have made huge assumptions to get the cheap costs, the OP hasn't posted the actual location and dates, so your figures are based on the best case sinario, not the worst, which the OP said earlier on, when she actually priced it up she couldn't afford it. I guess if you're figures were correct then they might be able to stretch to it, but again, why should they stretch and suffer for a year when the bride could suffer/sacrifice something else to pay for them to go?

The bride doesn't want them there enough to pay for it, she can hardly stamp her feet about them not going. It's like me saying I can't afford a pair of Jimmy Choo boots - well actually, if I used the savings that are for DS's uni fund I could go get a few of them, but I'm not about to do that.

It's only not ok to say "we can't afford it" when you could afford it without making a sacrifice. The OP isn't in this situation.

Again, why if you think it's easy to save that money can you explain why the bride shouldn't be the one to save it?

Lassylass, you have posted flight cost for flights "off season" the op stated that this would be a summer flight. The costs for flights out of season are considerabley different to those at peak times, same for hotels costs etc. Flight times wedding times and connections will all impact on whether they OP will be able to stay for only 1 night (unlikely if she has gone all the way for the wedding).

Therefore much as you shout that you have done the figures YOUR FIGURES ARE WRONG!

And even if the price is what you wrongly state, it is still too expensive for some families in our current ecconomic climate. You are obviously having fun on a wind up or have your head in the sand regarding the reality of life for many families atm.

Thanks Doris, but I'll stick with the figures I researched rather than the ones people 'guestimated' to suit their arguments.

OP has already said she'll stretch to it LydiaWickham. This thread has been dead for weeks now - not sure why its back.

Agree.

Amazing. I didn't know that a poster on Mumsnet [lassylass] knows more about my financial situation than I do myself.

Were the flights you found lassylass ?

That link was hilarious - thanks verlaine. Made my day as currently in the process of trying to get a family member to understand that we just cannot afford the cost of flying our family of 4 to a wedding in Greece next June. Any spare we have left over goes in the pot for car/house/pet insurance for the year and for emergency funds, and that's all there is to it. A wedding is not an emergency fund. Getting the car serviced, mot'd, unexpected vet bills, etc are. So yes we could save the little money we have left each month and spend it on flights, hotel, transfers, food, drink but then what happens next year when it comes to re-insuring, etc?
I think that if you choose to get married abroad then you have to be gracious if and when people choose to decline, whatever the reason. I'd love to be able to afford to go, I really would. Who wouldn't want to go and spend a few days in the sun celebrating, but if the money isn't there it isn't there. Simples.

That link is absolutely hilarious! Spot on.

If the bride and groom are that bothered about having particular guests there, and (as Lassylass says) genuinely believe that it's really easy to save hundreds of pounds over a year and find and pay for childcare, then they can always pay for the guest to attend and buy in child care.

Indeed Inertia