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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think people should not choose to get married abroad and expect everyone to come to their wedding!

173 replies

shebird · 28/09/2011 21:02

My sister has just announced that she is getting married in Italy next year and wants all the family to join her for the wedding. Normally this would not be a HUGE issue but DH and I have already booked and paid for our holiday the month before Arghhhhhh!

We were trying to be organised and book early so we could cheap flights in school holidays and it gives us almost a year to save etc. Its the only way we can afford to do it.There is no way we can afford do both the holiday and the wedding. Our flights are non refundable so not an option to cancel.

I feel really bad and I know my sister will be very cross if Im not there. But part of me thinks its all very well getting married abroad but people should consider that the expense for everyone to get there is huge. In these times when money is tight it really is a big ask.

I accept that us having booked our holiday was just bad luck but I know there are other family members, including my parents who will really have struggle to get there. Of course its their wedding and they should do it their way but also dont expect people to pay a few grand to be there on the day!

OP posts:
LittleMissWoodscommaElle · 29/09/2011 09:37

YANBU - Any spare cash I have goes on me and the kids. And yes they are fsar more important to me than my brother much as I love him dearly.

My sil (dh's sister) is absolutely broke - she even declined a family meal out (cost £20) due to lack of cash. Expecting someone like her to be able to saVE FOR A wedding abroad is unrealistic. And assuming the OP's sister's wedding is in school holidays prices soar. if it idsn;t in school holidays she could be fined for taking her kids out of school.

MmeLindor. · 29/09/2011 09:38

Oh, and we got married in UK and asked our friends and family from Germany if they would like to come. We made it clear that we did not expect it of them, but we would love them to attend.

DH is German, and it was clear that some of our relatives and friends would miss the wedding.

We organised a bus trip for the week before the wedding, so they got a week-long tour of Scotland for the price of flying over for the weekend.

Pagwatch · 29/09/2011 09:40

Lassy
Are you aware that you are being very rude and aggressive for no apparent reason?

pictish · 29/09/2011 09:42

why would anyone want to fork out thousands of pounds for someone elses big day?

Quite. I disapprove of big overblown weddings anyway....but the 'save every spare penny/get yourself in debt to come to my wedding abroad' crap takes the biscuit.

NestaFiesta · 29/09/2011 09:44

Totally agree with Pagwatch and Pictish.

.

pictish · 29/09/2011 09:51

And lassylass what you call 'the excuse' is what I term 'a valid reason'.

'Sorry...I can't come to your wedding, as it will cost us hundreds of pounds to attend, and we aren't prepared to lose it over a wedding. Have a lovely time though!' is sufficient.

perfumedlife · 29/09/2011 10:07

OP YANBU

When will brides/grooms 'get' the etiquette that to throw a party means you provide and pay for it? A chicken breast dinner and two glasses of champagne is not *giving^ a guest a wedding to remember. To invite someone, the key is to take care of it all, lay it on.

If they can't afford to do it in style, they shouldn't do it.

Akandra · 29/09/2011 10:09

Lassy - who said the wedding was in Rome? Cheap airlines don't fly everywhere. There may not be one anywhere near the wedding. I wouldn't get married in Rome. Its more likely to be some isolated hotel by a lake in northern Italy. Even to Rome £230 is a minimum cost on the cheapest days. It might be closer to £400. The OP won't be able to choose flights to suit herself or maybe even a hotel to suit herself.

Even if there is its not just the cost of flights and the hotel.

Before you leave the country you need something to wear - even if OP and DH have something the kids may not.

You need to get to the airport, and that means train tickets or long term parking (add £30 minimum). And with airlines like Ryanair I bet the don't include luggage, boarding pass, etc. so that price could go up. Then theres transfers from the airport to the hotel for four people which are never cheap (could be anything from £20 if they can all fit in one taxi which doesn't have an LPG tank, to £100 for a longer distance transfer). And cheap flights increase the cost of transfers as the airport is normally further from town rather than the main airport. I am fairly sure Rome is like that. And don't forget another £30 for travel insurance.

Then theres food which will be expensive for four people. You might be able to keep the cost down in a big city, but if the location is isolated expect to be paying a lot for that. Say you arrived the day before the wedding - you'd be paying for 1-2 meals that day. And if you left the day after you'd be paying for at least one most likely. In a best cast scenario there your looking at another £100 (if you eat really cheaply). At worst it could be closer to £300-400.

Then theres incidentals. Snacks. Drinks (really, drinks could end up costing you a fortune in an isolated hotel).

Its £1000 minimum. If the location is more isolated it will be a hell of a lot more.

Personally I can't conjure £1000 like that out of thin air. We are not poor by any means, but we currently need EVERY PENNY we can scrape in order to move house. And yes £1000 could make the difference between getting a house and not getting one as the limiting factor is needing a good deposit for a good interest rate. Why should I, in that situation, possibly have to give up a home for my family to pay to flounce off to Italy for a wedding?

OP you are definitely not being unreasonable. Extra trips abroad don't grow on trees. Your sister is thinking about how this wedding will save her money. She is basically expecting her family to pay for her wedding instead. If you want to get married you are limited by what you can afford, not by what you can emotionally blackmail your relatives into paying. I am mad on your behalf!

plupervert · 29/09/2011 10:10

"Cheap" plane tickets are subsidised by the extras, notably notoriously on Ryanair.

Tickets aren't available a year in advance, so you are still booking three months or so in advance, along with everyone else. There is a limited number of "cheap" seats on each flight, and that could go in minutes, after the booking opens.

The "cheap" airports are still miles from anywhere; that is why they are cheap in the first place. Taxis and car hire, therefore, are going to figure in the costs as well.

With the pound's devaluation, food and drink on the Continent have got considerably more expensive, so the idea of a Continental holiday as "cheap" is pretty 90s/noughties; that is: outdated.

Basically, the further you are from home, the less you can control your costs. The bride and groom have to accept that people are entitled to control their own costs and decide the risks in their own budgets.

The first guest-friendly wedding I ever went to was in a village with its own station and a number of B&Bs, and a coach was laid on to and from the ceremony, so guest costs were limited to train, B&B, and lunch the next day. Interestingly, it was the first of the "second wave" of weddings - that is, the first not largely arranged by parents - so it was clear everything was the couple's initiative, and they used that initiative for everyone's benefit. As a skint twentysomething, I was really grateful, and tried to put those principles into practice for my own wedding, many years later; it made for happy, unstressed guests, and no-one was either overtired or feeling resentful for having to leave before being ready, just because it was time for the 20-minute taxi ride they ad had to book the day before!

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld · 29/09/2011 10:15

lassylass "Two nights in a cheap hotel nearby, a few tickets on ryanair. Anyone can save that over a year,"

Complete and utter bullshit. I can't decide whether you live in cloud cuckoo land or are just plain stupid Hmm

perfumedlife · 29/09/2011 10:16

I totally agree plupervert . I want to make clear, I don't think people shouldn't get married if they can't afford a lavish day, more that they should direct the spending at ensuring the guests have a relaxed/affordable day rather than OTT venues and fripperies.

andthisisme · 29/09/2011 10:17

Totally agree YANBU.

My DBro and Sil got married abroad, in her home country, so not a random exotic whim. They paid for DP and I to go, well our flights and half our hotels costs (this was pre DC). If they had not been able to do this, we could not have gone. I would have been devastated to miss the wedding but no way would I have got into debt to attend.

I feel for you OP, I really do Sad

mummytime · 29/09/2011 10:21

I've never met such selfish people as you all seem to know. Friends who have got married overseas have quite accepted some people couldn't go. One even didn't have his parents there (he got married in the US, where his wife came from, his parents couldn't fly).
My DHs cousin got married in Switzerland, he arranged Coaches to bus people out, and got hotels arranged, it was very reasonable price for a weekend away, but they accepted some people couldn't make it (one brother and family, DH's father and sister).
I understood that some people couldn't make it to my wedding in England, because it was too far to travel/inconvenient (and we invited kids).

I have a 15, 12, and 8 year old. I couldn't go to a wedding in Devon if they are not invited, and I can't even get a local babysitter for them. Its too long for 15 year old to babysit, and getting a babysitter for a 15 year old is not easy. Anyway I wouldn't want to leave them for 3 days with someone who I didn't know and didn't know them well.

Fortunately my family and friends aren't like this, worst I have to complain about is that family always get my name wrong!

tyler80 · 29/09/2011 10:22

I think it probably can be done for a £1000 pounds, I find it more surprising that this is considered cheap and the sort of amount that nobody should have to think twice about saving up and spending. It's more than we spend on our family holiday each year.

Laquitar · 29/09/2011 10:25

It is silly and childish imo.

We don't even have a strong currency any more Hmm. Many of us are from europe and we avoid our own homelands these days because of the cost, why a British person would force his friends to go? It doesn't make sense to me.

Also, i don't agree with adopting a couple of local customs 'for fun' and 'to make it interesting' or asking guests to wear saris for example if you don't have any connection with the culture.

plupervert · 29/09/2011 10:28

"Also, i don't agree with adopting a couple of local customs 'for fun' and 'to make it interesting' or asking guests to wear saris for example if you don't have any connection with the culture."

Do people do this, Laquitar? Shock I must say, that is really a bit naff.

sarahtigh · 29/09/2011 10:36

OP says nearly a year and has booked holiday in school holidays so as holiday a month before wedding i assume wedding is late augst 2012 and in tuscany

cost being basic = either taxi to airport or parking and carpark fees for a week . this depends on where OP lives and how far from airport and whether she could feasibly use public transport yes if flight at 2pm no if at 6.15am say £35

so 4 flights from say manchester to PISA, handluggage only is going to be £3-400, transport to hotel it is not going to be the ibis in pisa is it so say £30

2-3 nights accomodation reasonably for 4 again probably £300

we will ignore cost of clothes and present as she would need these of wedding in uk so total cost an absolute minimum of £800 more likely £1000

ok if wedding in uk could be 200 miles away and need petrol and overnight stay but could do this for probably about £200 so extra cost is £6-800

yes may be she can save it but if she cancelled her holiday some is non-refundable so will be out of pocket anyway

Laquitar · 29/09/2011 10:36

plupervert i was invited to british wedding in uk and asked to wear sari because 'the bride is into the indian culture' Hmm. I didn't go. If one of the couple has Indian roots its different story of course.

In Cyprus i've seen british weddings with local customs. Fake and silly imo.

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld · 29/09/2011 10:45

I have no problem with people getting married abroad. They do need to have the attitude of "We'd love you to be there but will completely understand if you can't make it."

My cousin got married abroad and then threw a party for everyone when she got back.

thatboysmum · 29/09/2011 10:52

I think if you choose to marry abroad then you have to accept that some people may not be able to come. I personally wouldn't get married abroad unless I could afford to pay for everyone who was really important to me to be there as I would be gutted if for example my sister couldn't come. And would make sure I gave at least 18 months notice of plans and rough estimates of prices for other guests.
YANBU, although I can understand why she would be upset I think she should also be able to understand your predicament.

Hammy02 · 29/09/2011 11:00

I think the moment you decide to get married abroad, you have to accept that people may not be able to attend. That includes immediate family members. It isn't just the money, it is taking time off work, other committments etc. We thought about getting married abroad but decided against it as it would put people out too much.

Laquitar · 29/09/2011 12:02

The thing is that most people say 'it is ok if you don't come' but then others do go and you feel that you have to go, and then they say 'i hope you can come'. In OP's case, she is her sister so there is big pressure. OP is placed in a very difficult situation (for not good reason i.e. the groom is not Italian)..

NestaFiesta · 29/09/2011 12:18

I just think it's selfish to expect impoverished family members to stump up hundreds of pounds they may not have in order to please a bridezilla.

To then put pressure on guests who can't come/afford it/take annual leave/find child care is just offensive.

whackamole · 29/09/2011 12:18

YANBU at all!

Overseas holidays don't appeal to me much if I'm honest, but I still worry that asking people to travel from London to Liverpool is too much.

Triggles · 29/09/2011 13:10

LOL at Lassylass reducing it all to "I don't care enough to find childcare or save money to go to your wedding." Hmm

I would venture to say that if someone marries abroad, and they expect others to incur huge costs to attend, THEY are the ones being uncaring and selfish. I wouldn't even consider the cost of attend a wedding abroad, not even for a family member. We just couldn't afford it, and that's that.

It's incredibly rude to expect people to spend all their spare cash on a trip to attend your wedding. I simply do not understand the mindset at all. I could probably save £1000 over the course of a year, but no way would I spend it on attending someone's wedding, no matter WHO it was. We have other priorities.