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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed with my inlaws and childcare arrangements

216 replies

Wholeofthemoon · 26/09/2011 14:07

I am a long time lurker and this is my first post so please be gentle. I would really welcome some honest opinions as I am not sure if I am BU.

My inlaws live about 300 miles away and have decided to visit us this half term. Both myself and my DH have to work that week and we normally rely on my parents, who live about 30 minutes away, to help out with the childcare of our two DD's, 10 & 8 when we cannot take time off.

When my inlaws said they would be coming for half term and knowing that we would both be working, we assumed they would be happy to spend time with their grandchildren as they don't see them very often and would have them for the 4 days.

As they are booked into a (very expensive) hotel 5 mins walk away, I asked my DH to check the details with them this weekend over the telephone such as what time they would arrive in the morning etc as I need to be at work by 09:00

They gave the reply they were not happy to look after the children that early as they have paid for an expensive hotel and didn't want to waste it! They want to turn up later in the morning (presumably having had a lovely breakfast, swim etc).

So, I have now got to ask my parents to drive 30 mins to my house to look after the children until their other set of grandparents are ready to take them out. AIBU in being absolutely livid that they do not want to spend time with their grandchildren while they have the chance and only want to do it on their terms?

Just a little back history, my inlaws do lay on the guilt that they don't get to see them often, so I am shocked they have said no. I feel like telling them to no bother coming at all if that is how they feel!!

OP posts:

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 30/09/2011 10:45

They seem to be the type of people who say "I dont ever see my GC" but who then dont actually really want to or do anything to enable it.

Aaah that rings a bell!

Llanarth · 30/09/2011 11:02

YABU to not discuss this with the in-laws up front. But YANBU with regard to thinking they might want to help you out of a childcare fix. But Grandparents aren't what they used to be. We've got one set coming over for a royal visit in October. They live at the other end of the country. They have never been to visit their 3.5 year old grandson before (have never seen this house we've lived in for 6 years). They've met him maybe five times in his life when we've taken him to see them. Will they be offering to babysit for a night so we can go out? Yeah right.

scaredykatt · 30/09/2011 13:06

Ssp, you miss the point. "They prefer to stay in a hotel" - their own agenda again. I bet they have just always done this rather than the OP saying she does not want them at hers......The OP does not say she has ever refused a request to stay!

And why come on a "holiday" near the GCH at half term, in this manner?? V strange.

halcyondays · 30/09/2011 13:09

Why on earth shouldn't they stay in a hotel? They want to have a bit of space and time to do their own thing, it's not a crime, is it?

DamselWithADulcimer · 30/09/2011 13:14

"we assumed". Therein lies the problem. Don't assume in future. Take them as they are, not as you assume/hope they might be.

halcyondays · 30/09/2011 13:15

My grandad and his wife used to come and stay in a hotel in our town when I was young, they liked to have meals there and sit in the bar and have a drink. They would invite us down for a meal sometimes and we would have them to our house for a meal sometimes. Still, they were quite elderly, so perhaps they were exempt from the rule that says gps dare not visit unless they stay at your house and provide childcare as and when required.

eaglewings · 30/09/2011 13:18

Thank you scaredykatt, I wanted to post about ssp's comment but couldnt find the words.

ssd · 30/09/2011 13:24

I think you're missing the point scardykatt

the at the end of ""They never stay with us, they always prefer a hotel (which suits everyone) " implies to me it suits the op to have them at a hotel rather than at hers...nothing wrong with that of course, but then the op has a few digs about the hotel being expensive and the fact that the gp's have been on holiday 3 times this year, in other words this shouldnt be another holiday but a childcare arrangement that the op assumed would work in her favour.....

Conundrumish · 30/09/2011 13:28

I suspect that there is more to the story than this and a back history of them wanting the children on their terms. Sounds familiar to me, sadly. YANBU

meravigliosa · 30/09/2011 14:19

The important thing is that OP's parents are not inconvenienced here. They should not be at the beck and call of the PILs regarding making DCs available to PILs.

PILs have to understand that they will have to work around what suits the OP and her DPs, given that her DPs will be doing the childcare.

IWillOnlyEatBeans · 30/09/2011 14:24

YANBU.

I would have assumed the same thing to be honest.

PorridgeBrain · 01/10/2011 08:21

I think the problem here is that when they suggested it, they probably thought you would be off for half term as you said you normally are and understandably wanted to have a break and combine seeing their grandchildren too - not take on the full childcare.

In hindsight, I think it would have been better to explain that you would be in work so unless they were prepared to have them 9-5, your parents would be looking after them so they would only get to see them in the evening unless both your parents and them were happy to spend time together during the day

I think the whole thing has resulted from not enough communication and unreasonable assumptions I'm afraid

paddypoopants · 01/10/2011 09:03

YANBU
Are they so stupid they are completely unaware that your dc need looked after until they turn up to see them mid morning.Or is your mum to come over and get them fed and dressed and ready for inspection by their HRH. Presumably they will be pissed off if your Mum hangs around while they are there admiring their grandchildren. Are they retired? If so I presume they have every other day of the year to have a leisurely breakfast.
Spending 4 days with 2 grand children of that age shouldn't be seen as a chore. Your dh needs to have a chat.
My ils have started this mantra they learned from their new friends "If our children have decided to have kids we have decided we are just going to let them get on with it". Apparently it's fine for my Mum to help out and want to see her gc more as my dad is dead and she hasn't anything better to do.
Some people are just selfish and thoughtless and becoming parents and grandparents doesn't change them.

Nanny0gg · 01/10/2011 13:28

Can I just say that imo some grandparents are not selfish because they don't want to mind their grandchildren and others are not saints because they don't mind looking after them at every opportunity.

ssd · 01/10/2011 15:47

paddypoopants, the gp's arent stupid and how nasty to presume they will be pissed off if the op's mum hangs around...

am sick of reading posts from mums who have one set of parents, usually their mums, who are great at helping out and moan that the other set arent so willing to help out as much

be grateful for what you have, girls, some of us have bugger all help and would give anything to have an inch of what you have

lady007pink · 01/10/2011 15:57

I think your ILs are being unreasonable. Your dds are 10 and 8, they're not babies or toddlers and easier to mind. in fact they can have great chats with them, so I can't understand why they would not want to spend time with them. If it's halfterm they're not required to get up too early, the dds can be left to their own devices in the house if gps want sleep-in.

If they complain about not spending time with their gcs now's their opportunity and it wouldn't be troublesome to mind them.

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