To be annoyed with my inlaws and childcare arrangements

[Wholeofthemoon]

I am a long time lurker and this is my first post so please be gentle. I would really welcome some honest opinions as I am not sure if I am BU.

My inlaws live about 300 miles away and have decided to visit us this half term. Both myself and my DH have to work that week and we normally rely on my parents, who live about 30 minutes away, to help out with the childcare of our two DD's, 10 & 8 when we cannot take time off.

When my inlaws said they would be coming for half term and knowing that we would both be working, we assumed they would be happy to spend time with their grandchildren as they don't see them very often and would have them for the 4 days.

As they are booked into a (very expensive) hotel 5 mins walk away, I asked my DH to check the details with them this weekend over the telephone such as what time they would arrive in the morning etc as I need to be at work by 09:00

They gave the reply they were not happy to look after the children that early as they have paid for an expensive hotel and didn't want to waste it! They want to turn up later in the morning (presumably having had a lovely breakfast, swim etc).

So, I have now got to ask my parents to drive 30 mins to my house to look after the children until their other set of grandparents are ready to take them out. AIBU in being absolutely livid that they do not want to spend time with their grandchildren while they have the chance and only want to do it on their terms?

Just a little back history, my inlaws do lay on the guilt that they don't get to see them often, so I am shocked they have said no. I feel like telling them to no bother coming at all if that is how they feel!!

While they might complain about not seeing your dcs alot, they also don't want to be your childminders for 4 full days either.

You and your dh should have discussed this with your ils and your parents about arrangement instead of assuming like many people here have said.

Talk to them about when they would like to see the gc but be firm that your parents are babysitting and would like to be respectful of their time, too, as its an hour drive total for them. So work out a schedule that benefits both you, your dh, your ils, and your parents.

That is the sensible thing to do in the first place and now.

Has the OP asked her mum how she'd feel about the PIL turning up midmorning? She might be delighted!

Hardgoing and TheSecondComing - thank you. You said it so much better than me.

It is honestly not about free childcare, it is about them spending time with the grandchildren that they constantly say they are missing out on. We have given them the opportunity but now it does not suit them.

YANBU. Continue with the usual arrangement for them to go to your parents' and tell the in laws that when they deign to see the children, they will be at your parents', here is the address and please could you make sure they're home by x o'clock so you can give them their tea, thank you very much.

It seems like while you might have made a few assumptions as to their plans, they have made no effort to consult with you on how it would work in your absence. If they pitch up at midday and take the children, would they then expect to be able to drop them back to your parents? Which would mean your parents sitting in all afternoon waiting for them to appear. So tell them the times they can have the children. It's not you being difficult, you just need to co-ordinate your children's movements during the day when you're not there and they're being taken here there and everywhere.

YABU to be livid that their idea of the week and yours do not match. And YABU to assume that wanting to spend time with their grandchildren and providing 4 days of childcare is the same thing. Seeing grandchildren when the parents are around is (for most people) fun. Having grandchildren on their own for four full days is (for most people) work.

YANBU to think their rocking up at whatever time suits them is not on.

You are perhaps unaware of just how lucky you are with your own DM and I think you are right to tell your PILs that they will need to entertain themselves during the days and are welcome to come over in the evenings. Getting your DM to look after the DCs until their other GPs have had enough pampering in their hotel and find it convenient to take over would be rude to your DM (unless she would be grateful any time off).

Yes, they might be only too pleased to able to share the childcare with the other grandparents, they could then have the afternoon off. I just don't understand why you assumed that "coming to visit and see the dgc" equalled "provide free childcare for four full days"

The very fact that they choose to stay in a hotel suggests that they see this as a holiday for themselves and would not be planning to provide childcare from first thing in the morning.

Thank you everyone - We will say that they will be with my (fab) mum until such a time and they are welcome to our house in the evenings and leave it at that.

My mother in law will then drop snide comments about hardly seeing them but hey that's nothing new!!

But why is spending time with your grandchildren designated as 'childcare'? If I go to stay with my granny for five days, I don't think I'm doing 'care for the elderly' but I certainly help with meals, washing-up, shoping and generally look after her. No-one pays me.

In the holidays, both sets of grandparents would love to look after my children and a schedule has to be worked out. When I turned up to collect them from one set, they asked if they could stay a few more days. They didn't say 'please can we do some more childcare for you?' It just sounds bizarre to me.

Have you asked your mum if she would be happy for the other gps to take the gdc out for a few hours during the day?

I agree that just because they Moan they dont see much of the grandchildren doesn't mean that they therefore wanted to turn up at your house at 8.30am for 4 full days whilst you are at work . They maybe meant by seeing them -joining you for the evening and dinner each night of there stay.
I agree it's not fair for your mum to do childcare as normal and them take over when they float in but would your mum maybe mind doing a couple of half days ? Yes she would still have to drive a 1/2 hour there and back but she was willing to do that anyway -this way she would have a couple of afternoons to herself and your jnlaws can have there leisurely morning and say take over at lunch time a couple of the days? Its not ideal but then what relatives visits ever are!
They are there grandparents and on holiday they don't want to do childcare for 4 days they want to fit stuff round there break and take the girls out for a walk of ice cream etc for a couple of hours each day . Unfortunately you all just presumed each other was expecting something different -hope you can get it all sorted out between you.

I don't think YABU and can see exactly why you made the assumption that you did, but MN dictates that anyone whose MIL does more than spit at then in the street is a spoiled ungrateful bitch who should be grateful that they don't blank you all the time

OP, I don't think you're being unreasonable. Your in-laws sound quite difficult and like they want everything to suit them. I would do as others have suggested, just say to your in-laws "Oh that's a shame but not to worry, my mum will have them each day as planned, so you can see them in the evenings". If they moan and groan about it then just let them. They can't have everything to suit them. Fair enough if they don't want to provide childcare for those days but they can't then get annoyed with you for making alternative arrangements to enable you to work. Could you perhaps suggest to them that they have the girls for one or two full days and then come for dinner on the other evenings whilst your mum has the girls?

As a granny myself, I honestly don't think the OP is being unreasonable at all. It sounds like the visiting grandparents expect to see the children only at their convenience. I can't understand why, if they miss them so badly, they would prioritise a leisurely breakfast over the chance to spend a full day with these - older, somewhat civilised children (might be different for us aging folk with a rampaging toddler!) Also, if they don't want to help, why on earth did they choose half-term? Where are their brains if they don't realise that school holidays are MORE complicated for working families - do they expect everyone else to make special arrangements just so they can enjoy a leisurely breakfast? Give me a break. They claim to be visiting because they miss the grandchildren so much - well, show it! This sounds like all take and no give.

Actually, if this is their only visit of the year, and all they want to do is take a stroll for an ice-cream for an hour and eat dinner with you in the evening, I think that is very little. You don't get to know your grandchildren by such little, infrequent and limited contact, especially with the parents or other grandparents there.

My grandparents spent hours (as well as having us for a week every year) playing cards, cooking together, chatting while my grandpa did his gardening.

YABU to expect anything more, but YANBU to this 'is that it then?' because a couple of hours a day for four days isn't enough, IMO to built a deep or ongoing relationship, especially with slightly older children. In a few years, they will be off with their friends and not wanting to come home for that two hour slot.

But, TheQueenofDenial, I agree. I just don't get the way people speak on here about families and rights and childcare and entitlement and why expecting anything from anyone ever is wrong.

Yes - I have asked my mum and she is shocked that they do not want to do the full days. But then, my Mum is so lovely. She is always trying to get me and DH to go out so she can get her hands on the kids. She will do whatever suits everyone, she is a star.

There is another issue here of my in-laws being jealous of my parents because they see more of our DD's but that is a whole other thread. It is like walking on egg shells trying to deal with them. Thank you for all your comments, I will get DH to read this later.

YaNbu as far as I am concerned. Blooming cheek if they thought your mum would just do the grotty bits! Check with your dh- did he tell them you wouldn't have time off? They are his parents- get him to explain that if they cant do all day, then the dcs will HAVE to be with your parents- do they get that? Totally rude of ten to expect your parents to facilitate their leisurely breakfast.

Did they definitely know that both you and your dh would be working for the full four days? Maybe they thought one of you would be there, so it would be fine to come later in the morning. I find it a bit bizarre, surely if you need childcare for half term, you would make clear arrangements about dates and times well in advance.

OP from what you've said I wouldn't be at all surprised if this situation turns into another example of them complaining that your parents get to spend so much more time with the GC.

YANBU. Your in laws are being very self centred.

There is no way your Mum should have to fit in with what suits the in laws when she is already doing so much to help you and they can't be bothhered to do anything when they are around. Tell them they can see the GC in the evening or not at all.

I actually think it might have been a misunderstanding and that they didn't understand the options. This can be resolved now by discussion, they may be really upset that they can't spend so much time with the children in the day and want to revise their plans for say, two days, although this all leaves you running around them and their plans.

However, I don't think it's unreasonable to have offered them this, or assumed that they would be keen to look after the children all day given they know you both work, now you know this is not the case and they don't want to, you do have to adjust accordingly.

YANBU.

Baby boomers

I got about half way through the replies, and then couldn't deal with all the people having a go at you for trying to juggle work with childcare. I completely understand where you're coming from - when DD was in nursery if either GM said they wanted to spend the day with her they understood that they were doing so INSTEAD of nursery, i.e. for the whole day. It would have been ridiculous for me to drop her at nursery for an hour, until they felt like picking her up. Your ILs chose to come at a time when they knew you would be working and would have arranged alternative childcare. The fact that it is with other GMs is neither here nor there. It could just as easily have been at a nursery or CM. If they want to see their GCs it's generally understood to be instead of the normal childcare arrangements, not pick and choose your time slot. Otherwise they get to see them in the evenings with the whole family.

It's hard enough figuring out how to cover work hours with childcare, without relatives demanding to be allowed to spend time with the children, but cocking up your carefully laid plans in the process.

You are very lucky to have the help you get.
YABU!

YABU to not have discussed this when the inlaws said they were planning to come down for the week.