To be annoyed with my inlaws and childcare arrangements

[Wholeofthemoon]

I am a long time lurker and this is my first post so please be gentle. I would really welcome some honest opinions as I am not sure if I am BU.

My inlaws live about 300 miles away and have decided to visit us this half term. Both myself and my DH have to work that week and we normally rely on my parents, who live about 30 minutes away, to help out with the childcare of our two DD's, 10 & 8 when we cannot take time off.

When my inlaws said they would be coming for half term and knowing that we would both be working, we assumed they would be happy to spend time with their grandchildren as they don't see them very often and would have them for the 4 days.

As they are booked into a (very expensive) hotel 5 mins walk away, I asked my DH to check the details with them this weekend over the telephone such as what time they would arrive in the morning etc as I need to be at work by 09:00

They gave the reply they were not happy to look after the children that early as they have paid for an expensive hotel and didn't want to waste it! They want to turn up later in the morning (presumably having had a lovely breakfast, swim etc).

So, I have now got to ask my parents to drive 30 mins to my house to look after the children until their other set of grandparents are ready to take them out. AIBU in being absolutely livid that they do not want to spend time with their grandchildren while they have the chance and only want to do it on their terms?

Just a little back history, my inlaws do lay on the guilt that they don't get to see them often, so I am shocked they have said no. I feel like telling them to no bother coming at all if that is how they feel!!

Incidentally, I'm not clear from your posts whether your PILs consulted you about the dates of their visit or just told you when they were coming. If the latter, I'm not sure I'd feel obliged to bend over backwards to accommodate them in a bad week at work.

If I read it correctly, they said they didn't want to arrive early, but would come later in the morning.

No, it's not obvious that they would have to spend "the time" (whatever that is) or not see them.
Why can't they see them in the evening if something can't be worked out during the day?
This whole "you can't see them" is pathetic and controlling and in nobody's best interest, least of all the GC.

I don't think you are bu. I just think you and your ILs assumed different things for the week. I can see why they would want a leisurely morning and come to see you all at around 11 each day, but that isn't possible.

And i don't think it would be fair to expect your parents to have your dc until your ils are ready.

I would make alternative childcare arrangements and see them in the evenings.

I think people aren't understanding the issue. This is not about GPs providing free childcare, it's about how to arrange them seeing the kids if they can't take them from the early morning onwards.

It would be quite an inconvenience for OPs parents to have to drive 30 minutes back and forth only to have the kids for a couple of hours. The inlaws can't ask the other GPs to be available at their back and call (?) to deliver the GCs whenever they are ready. There has to be some organisation done here, and unfortunately that will require some commitment from the inlaws as well. If they aren't taking kids for 4 whole days, perhaps 1 or 2 whole days instead?

And I'm not going to berate OP and her DP for not having taken holidays, it's a nightmare to get time off in any job during half term, I completely see the issue there.

Presumably if the OPs parents are going to step up and help they may be glad to only have to do it a half day (or a few hours) rather than all day?

It is about providing free childcare, read the first post.
That's exactly what it's about.

Could you drop the dcs at the hotel for breakfast and a swim with the GPS?

I think next time be sure to confirm what is happening well in advance so that you can say no if their visit doesn't suit you.

if I could take the time off I would - believe me. I think the best thing is to say my parents will be looking after them and they can come to ours every evening. I don't understand how you can moan about never seeing them but when you are given the opportunity you turn it down.

What Ciske said.

Trying to arrange childcare for school holidays is a logistical nightmare, and I would be screeching in frustration at this added complication.

On a practical note, make your arrangements as suits you with your parents.

Suggest to the ILs that they contact your parents direct to sort out when they can see the grandchildren. There is no point you relaying messages back and forth, it will all get very complicated.

For the sake of family harmony I think I would have dinner with all the grandparents one night.

Cat 64

They never stay with us, they always prefer a hotel (which suits everyone)

I don't expect free childcare from anyone!! We have always managed to do the holidays equally between me and DH with help from my parents when we can't do it.

I (wrongly assumed) they would love to spend a lot more time with them, after all the heavy hints about never seeing them and thats why they booked the half term week.

It is the part about turning up late morning that gets to me. I cannot expect my mum to drive over in the early morning to leave 3 hours later.

I don't think your parents should sit around with the dcs waiting for ILs to turn up. They should just take them out or get on with whatever they would normally do otherwise they will feel resentful that they are just filling in like a babysitter until the ILs show up.

You probably should have asked sooner rather then assuming the ILs would do the childcare though. Although can see why you would have.

Are you serious??? You assumed that your inlays want to provide free childcare for you for four days while you were at work? Didn't even ask them, just assumed they were a source of free childcare? I'm sure they were looking forward to seeing their gdc and spending time with them, but there is a big difference between that and being expected to look after them for four whole days. I think I've heard it all now.

Yabvvu.

YABU.

Though I do understand why you're pissed off. My parents moved 300 miles away when I got pregnant, they visit every couple of months and expect us to drop everything and parade the kids in front of them for an hour or so (of their choosing) and then leave. They were recently up for 3 weeks, we saw them twice.

They are lovely people and I don't begrudge them living their lives, they've always been very busy people, I always assumed it was because they just had a lot on, but actually they are just 'very busy people'..... My kids do feel a bit left out.

They are neither use nor ornament, but I love them and this is their choice so I don't moan. (too much)

I think the in laws are being very rude to your parents

As you say, your parents very kindly help out the majority of the time.

Your in laws are expecting to see their grandchildren only when it suits them and also expect your parents to cover the gap.

I think your dh needs to explain the situation again and reach a compromise of 2 days per set of grand parents.

You were bu to assume. YANBU to hope

Thing is, OP does have 2 offers of free childcare, from her parents who are offering the full time needed to be covered, or from PIL who are offering only part of the time to be covered.

So you have a choice, you can a) piss off the people who are offering to cover the lot (your parents, make them do that journey for a short period of time) b) piss off the people who aren't offering to cover the whole time needed (by telling them that the DCs won't be available as they will be with your mum) or c) spend money she doesn't need to by paying a childminder to have them for roughly 3 hours a day until PIL are ready to have them.

I would be pretty annoyed to be the helpful GPs, who now have to commit to looking after the children each morning, and have the others turn up at their leisure.

I still don't understand how the dissenters thought this scenario was ever going to work. Or what the GPs might have expected, knowing that the parents had to work.

You're livid that they only want to see their gdc on their terms??? How dare they? That is the big difference between being a parent and being a grandparent. As a parent, you have to arrange your life around your kids' needs, as a grandparent, you have the luxury of being able to pick and choose when you want to see your gdc or look after them. They had never agreed to provide childcare, why on earth shouldn't they want to have a leisurely breakfast and have a swim?

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, as you already had childcare, but were giving them the opportunity to be the carers instead. If you were refusing to put them in a club or didn't have any other options, and were depending om them, that would be unfair.

The problem is that you are not there personally to manage them turning up at 11 and leaving at 2pm for a siesta.

Now the children will have to go in full-time care elsewhere (your parents/your usual childcare) and they won't get to see them so much.

The options isn't: full-time care or a leisurely two hours when they feel like it in the day, it's: full-time care or only in the evenings/as/when the other grandparents are there.

As supposedly devoted grandparents, who hardly see them at all, I think coming round at 9 to take them for a fun day out is completely reasonable, but if they don't want to do it, you certainly shouldn't make them.

I think you have been unfairly treated as 'entitled' here, the entitlement is on the grandparents who don't seem to get that you have to work and can't facilitate their 'whenever suits us' brand of popping in.

halcyondays - so what would you assume wanting to spend time with the DCs during the holidays while the OP and DH were at work would mean other than free childcare? Really the only confusion is about the amount of free childcare, not that it wasn't offered.

Agree with Hardgoing.... the time and place has to be mutually convenient.

So ask when (outside of the childcare hours) they wish to see the kids, if its convenient for you, then there is no fight.

No they shouldn't have to provide wrapround childcare, they should be able to enjoy their grandchildren at their own pace.

However they shouldn't be the ones dictating time and place. That's for you to do. Good luck.

OP - Will the inlaws have a car so they can travel to your parents and pick the girls up for an afternoon or two? If no car will they be able to get public transport?

I don't think YABU at all - agree with TSC and Lydia's analysis above. I am not sure why the inlaws have booked this time when neither you nor DP can get time off work and they don't want to see the girls all that much anyway. What did they think would happen during half term? Did they talk to you about arrangements before they booked? I think they might have been doing quite a lot of assuming themselves and now want everyone to fall in with their plans.

Guess they'll just have to see the girls in the evening when it's convenient. Do you live somewhere touristy at all? Have they just come for a holiday and a few visits after all?

They didn't turn down the opportunity to see their grandchildren, I don't know why you keep saying that. They turned down your presumption at them having to get up really early in the morning so they could be washed, dressed, have their breakfast and then get over to yours before you set off for work. You even said yourself they want to turn up later in the morning, morning is actually still quite an early part of the day so I'd presume they were envisioning spending a substantial period of the day with their grandchildren. I don't know why, from that, you have to distort it into them not wanting to spend time with them at all. That's not fair.

They're not unreasonable for wanting to relax and not feel pressured/rushed whilst on holiday, that's what most of us want on a holiday. You made an assumption and it turned out to be wrong, the fault is with you.

Now that doesn't mean your parents have to fit in with what your PILs want either. You need to just explain to the PIL (if you haven't already) the situation with childcare, how your parents normally look after the children because you have to work, how if they can't pick the children up from you then your parents will have to have the children instead (and that if your parents aren't willing to be babysitters for PIL - which they're not obliged to be - it's tough luck on them if they're not willing to pick the children up early).