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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with my inlaws and childcare arrangements

216 replies

Wholeofthemoon · 26/09/2011 14:07

I am a long time lurker and this is my first post so please be gentle. I would really welcome some honest opinions as I am not sure if I am BU.

My inlaws live about 300 miles away and have decided to visit us this half term. Both myself and my DH have to work that week and we normally rely on my parents, who live about 30 minutes away, to help out with the childcare of our two DD's, 10 & 8 when we cannot take time off.

When my inlaws said they would be coming for half term and knowing that we would both be working, we assumed they would be happy to spend time with their grandchildren as they don't see them very often and would have them for the 4 days.

As they are booked into a (very expensive) hotel 5 mins walk away, I asked my DH to check the details with them this weekend over the telephone such as what time they would arrive in the morning etc as I need to be at work by 09:00

They gave the reply they were not happy to look after the children that early as they have paid for an expensive hotel and didn't want to waste it! They want to turn up later in the morning (presumably having had a lovely breakfast, swim etc).

So, I have now got to ask my parents to drive 30 mins to my house to look after the children until their other set of grandparents are ready to take them out. AIBU in being absolutely livid that they do not want to spend time with their grandchildren while they have the chance and only want to do it on their terms?

Just a little back history, my inlaws do lay on the guilt that they don't get to see them often, so I am shocked they have said no. I feel like telling them to no bother coming at all if that is how they feel!!

OP posts:
witchwithallthetrimmings · 26/09/2011 14:21

the dds are not toddlers that need managing or babies that need nappy changes but 10 and 8 well able to do stuff with their grandparents without it being a strain on anybody.

I think the OP had to assume something because she had the other gps to consider

bluelaguna · 26/09/2011 14:21

YANBU.

Because they decided they wanted to visit at half term and you already had arrangements where:

a) you were working and
b) the other grandparents were looking after the children

I would expect ILs to be able to pitch in if they dictated when they were coming and you already had the arrangements in place. And by pitch in, yes I do mean being there early so you can get to work. It isn't as though you and DH are swanning off somewhere - you are working to put food on the table!

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 26/09/2011 14:21

Yes, YABU to have made that assumption and not discussed it with them first. You need to apologise to them and get down of your high horse.

alana39 · 26/09/2011 14:21

Sorry I think YABU to expect anyone other than either parent or paid childcare provider to look after 2 children without even asking them. It's hard work. You need to ask people to help not assume. You asked your parents to help out at some point I guess?

Bathsheba · 26/09/2011 14:23

They have come to visit you. Yopu have assumed without asking that they will provide daytime childcare whilst you both work.

You didn;t check, or ask, or enquire...they are seeing it as a break and a holiday to see family (hence staying and payong for a nice hotel) and you are just thinking "free childcare..."

YABVVVU

Ciske · 26/09/2011 14:26

I agree it would be unreasonable to ask your own parents to have the children for half a day or less and then bring them back for the other GPs to spend time with. It's an hour round trip for them, so they will obviously not want to do that 4 days just so other GPs can have a lie in.

And therein lies the problem: which GPs are to be inconvenienced?

I would position the following with the inlaws: that your kids will be with your parents all week in principle and will be back by time X. However, it's perfectly fine if they want to take the kids out, but then it will unfortunately have to be all day as you can't ask your parents to have them for a few hours only.

I think that's being fair on everyone. Your parents don't have to commit to more than they already do, the inlaws have a choice how many full days to spend with their children, and your childcare is sorted.

Flyonthewindscreen · 26/09/2011 14:28

YABU for assuming that your ILs would be up for providing 4 days of full childcare from ?8.30 am or whenever you and your DH need to leave for work. But I'm not sure how your ILs expected the arrangements for this visit to work if they knew you/your DH both had to work and would need to leave first thing. Sounds like a bit of communication failure all round.

TheSecondComing · 26/09/2011 14:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Wholeofthemoon · 26/09/2011 14:28

DH and I normally share the childcare between us with my parents doing the odd day. They are really happy to drive the 30 mins and love having them.

I honestly thought my inlaws would love the chance to spend more time with their grandchildren. And, no they don't want them dropping at the hotel, they want to be on their own until they are ready. I think I should say this week will be their 3rd holiday this year, they have already been abroad for their main holiday

Thank you again for your comments.

OP posts:
MurunBuchstansangur · 26/09/2011 14:29

YABU.

You assume too much, and YABU to expect your parents to accommodate your ILs. Your parents do more for you than most, I think you have been spoiled by that.

You need to communicate better.

Also I hope you appreciate what your parents do, as it sounds like you take them for granted. What if they can't do half term like you want? What if they don't want to?

bonkers20 · 26/09/2011 14:32

YABU! Very. There is a massive difference between wanting to spend time with grandchildren and looking after them for 4 full days.

You sound like you expect alot TBH e.g."so now I've got to ask my parents if they'll drive.......". It should be a bit more like "so now I feel I need to ask my very generous parents if they don't mind driving....."

You are very, very lucky to have 4 grandparents who are able and (generally) willing to care for your children while you work for 4 days in a row. Keep that in mind and be grateful for what you have.

Next time I suggest you all be very clear when making plans then you don't get in this situation. It's very easy to see things in black and white when you're in a childcare fix e.g. we need to work - grandparent are here - da da, they'll mind them.

MurunBuchstansangur · 26/09/2011 14:32

OP it deosn't matter how many holidays they have had. They had their children, they've grown up, and now they can have a nice time, cherry picking the best bits and be GPs. That is how it works.

Tota1Xaos · 26/09/2011 14:32

yabvu. you seem to be confusing spending time with the gc with free childcare at your convenience.

TheSecondComing · 26/09/2011 14:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chicletteeth · 26/09/2011 14:36

3rd holiday this year; again, what has this or the quality of their hotel got to do with you and your sense of entitlement.
They probably will love the extra time they see their GC; they've come 300 miles for it haven't they?

You sound like my SIL. Her and my mum no longer speak over an issue similar to this

chandellina · 26/09/2011 14:37

i'm still with you on this. i don't know what they expect you to do. you could just let them know it looks like they won't be able to see the kids at all since your own parents will be rearranging their schedules to look after them - or that they're going into holiday club instead since you and your husband have to work and obviously can't leave them alone in the house until they are ready to come over.

chicletteeth · 26/09/2011 14:39

Yes chandelina, they've come 300 miles, so that's a perfectly reasonable thing to say to them isn't it "you can't see the GC".

I really hope I don't get DILs like either of you

Original poster
Wholeofthemoon · 26/09/2011 14:39

I do offer to drive my children over to my parents but they insist on coming to mine. What can I say my parents are fab and I know how lucky I am.

I would normally take time off for half term no question, but I start a new postion within the same company that week so it is really awkward. DH is mad busy with his job, so we thought we would ask the in-laws if they would be happy to have the children seeing as though they were here. We are obviously being unreasonable, thank you for pointing it out!

OP posts:
Groovee · 26/09/2011 14:42

I think there is a big difference between spending time with grandchildren and having them full on for 4 days. You should have been upfront at the start that if they were coming then that maybe they would like to look after the children for 2 full days.

Some grandparents are hands on while others aren't.

picnicbasketcase · 26/09/2011 14:42

I think YANBU actually - if they are coming in a week when A) You and your DH are working, B) The children are off school, and C) they're coming specifically to see their GC, I think it was quite natural for you to assume that they would be having the children whilst you're at work, tbh. If they didn't want to see the children very much, why aren't they visiting in term time? I think they're being rude expecting your parents to have the DC as long as it suits them and then hand them over when they're ready.

TadlowDogIncident · 26/09/2011 14:44

How did you manage not to discuss arrangements for childcare with them before? YABU to have assumed they would look after your children for four days, but other people have told you that already. I can see that you find it frustrating that they don't want to help out, especially when clearly your own parents are unusually helpful, but they don't have to. (I don't blame you for feeling frustrated, incidentally: for various reasons we have no family help at all, even for half an hour's babysitting, and I do occasionally succumb to serious envy of people with supportive parents or inlaws).

In your shoes I definitely wouldn't mess my parents about - I'd make the usual arrangements for childcare and say to PILs that they were welcome to visit in the evenings when everyone is home (assuming they are, of course!).

chandellina · 26/09/2011 14:45

chicletteeth - you tell me then, what is the OP supposed to do to accomodate the GPs, who may or may not want to see the GC at some stage during each day of their visit? The GPs were already told the parents would have to work, so it's obvious the GPs would have to spend the time with the children or possibly not see them if alternate arrangements were made.

witchwithallthetrimmings · 26/09/2011 14:47

please don't confuse the loudest posts and the one most often voiced with the most popular one op

They are coming to see you and the children so it is clearly not being unreasonable to assume that they will want to look after them for at least a couple of days. I will just repeat what i have said before looking after two junior girls is not the same as looking after toddlers or pre-schoolers.

ladydeedy · 26/09/2011 14:47

your in laws can still spend quality time with their grandchildren - and you, if you wish! They just shouldnt be expected to do it on the hours that you require. So they might take them in the afternoon or want to come over for a meal in the evening. I do think you are overreacting tbh.
Your parents would be looking after them anyway, as you mention, and are only half an hour away. See if they want to do mornings, then hand over to your inlaws in the afternoon. Maybe they could meet for lunch etc. and make a pleasant time of it.

LydiaWickham · 26/09/2011 14:50

I think YANBU if I've got this right - if they didn't come over at all, then your DCs would be cared for by your parents, who will be at your house in enough time for you to get to work on time.

So you have childcare that works for you sorted but your PIL want to replace that, but only for part of the day? This would be unfair on your parents to expect them to travel that far for a couple of hours until your PIL are ready 'to be helpful'.

I'd just say no - you've lined up childcare for the week, they are not actually offering an alternative so they are welcome to join you all for dinner after your DCs have had a fun day with their other GPs.

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