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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed with my inlaws and childcare arrangements

216 replies

Wholeofthemoon · 26/09/2011 14:07

I am a long time lurker and this is my first post so please be gentle. I would really welcome some honest opinions as I am not sure if I am BU.

My inlaws live about 300 miles away and have decided to visit us this half term. Both myself and my DH have to work that week and we normally rely on my parents, who live about 30 minutes away, to help out with the childcare of our two DD's, 10 & 8 when we cannot take time off.

When my inlaws said they would be coming for half term and knowing that we would both be working, we assumed they would be happy to spend time with their grandchildren as they don't see them very often and would have them for the 4 days.

As they are booked into a (very expensive) hotel 5 mins walk away, I asked my DH to check the details with them this weekend over the telephone such as what time they would arrive in the morning etc as I need to be at work by 09:00

They gave the reply they were not happy to look after the children that early as they have paid for an expensive hotel and didn't want to waste it! They want to turn up later in the morning (presumably having had a lovely breakfast, swim etc).

So, I have now got to ask my parents to drive 30 mins to my house to look after the children until their other set of grandparents are ready to take them out. AIBU in being absolutely livid that they do not want to spend time with their grandchildren while they have the chance and only want to do it on their terms?

Just a little back history, my inlaws do lay on the guilt that they don't get to see them often, so I am shocked they have said no. I feel like telling them to no bother coming at all if that is how they feel!!

OP posts:

nulgirl · 26/09/2011 19:58

Don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Families should help each other out and I honestly don't think that you are asking much of them. It's four days of the year and they have been saying how they want to spend time with them.

PorkChopSter · 26/09/2011 19:59

You are not being unreasonable. Unfortunately now you are stuffed either way: your PIL will be whining they never get to see GC and your mum is always with them/taking over. And you still have to sort childcare for half term.

Have they set you up?

redskyatnight · 26/09/2011 20:20

I'm really wondering if the PiL are fully aware of what is going on. My parents are fully aware that I work, but somehow struggle to understand that a natural conclusion is that I will not have every day of every school holiday off.

It really seems to me that PIL are thinking that it is half term so the children will be at home all day so they can pop over mid morning and stay for most of the day. They either think that OP or her DH will be at home, or they simply haven't really thought about who will be looking after the DC at all. OP (or her DH) need to make this abundantly clear. It's quite possible they are expecting OP or DH to be about all day and don't want sole charge of the GC at all.

Readyisknitting · 26/09/2011 20:25

YANBU, childcare plans are a nightmare at the best of times. If they've booked in to come down at half term then it indicates they wish to spend time with their GC. If they want it on their terms then tough, I will sound very cold, and I don't mean it in a cold way, but you cannot afford to upset your mum, as she has done more, and will do more in the future, additionally she does the harder bits, like getting up early and collecting them.

I would also be explaining that the choices were to organise full days out, or a short visit in the evening. I would get them to commit to what they want now, so you can organise your mum's time. I (and admittedly I'm rather a bag) would not be entertaining every night either.

Hope you manage to reach a solution

bibbitybobbityhat · 26/09/2011 20:28

Ha ha at the turnaround on this thread.

I still think yab v u.

Pil are booked into nice hotel for a week but you expect them to do 4 x full days childcare.

If it was not a convenient time for them to visit because you (you and dh) could not get time off work, then you should have said so.

Cupawoman · 26/09/2011 20:30

Difficult one OP. Your own parents (like mine were) are very willing and able to look after your children in school holiday time. Your PIL clearly are not. That's just the way they are - however, given this, I don't think they can then announce they are coming to stay and expect you to take time off work to spend with them and the children. When you work and have small children, time off is precious and the arrangement has to be when it suits you and DH.

peterpan99 · 26/09/2011 22:04

just beacuse they moan about not seeing the children enough doesnt mean they want to be round yours at 9am whilst on their holiday to look after your children
YABU

MissMississippi · 26/09/2011 22:36

You are NOT being unreasonable!

what picnic said

"I think YANBU actually - if they are coming in a week when A) You and your DH are working, B) The children are off school, and C) they're coming specifically to see their GC, I think it was quite natural for you to assume that they would be having the children whilst you're at work, tbh. If they didn't want to see the children very much, why aren't they visiting in term time? I think they're being rude expecting your parents to have the DC as long as it suits them and then hand them over when they are ready"

Furthermore, your parents might have been thoroughly looking forward to half-term so as to have your DCs for full day/quality time, and now they might not get to see them and/or have to wait to hear what rations they are getting one your ILs have decided what suits themselves?!?! IMO the ILs are BVU!!!

hormonalmum · 26/09/2011 22:42

Are both parties not guilty of assuming things here?
Op for expecting the childcare and the il's for expecting the gc to be around?

do the il's know that the gc are usually with the other set at holiday time?

I personally would ask both lots of gp to have the gc for a couple of days each. If this cannot be done, look for an alternative that works for you.

ssd · 26/09/2011 22:43

what surprises me about his thread is that there are actually replies from people agreeing with you! thats shocking......

op you said earlier on that your mum is lovely. is that because she runs after you and does what you want anytime you ask? and so it follows your PIL aren't lovely as they don't fall over in gratitude that you are letting them provide your free half term childcare, at a time and place that suits you.

how can anyone be so self centred and selfish?and you honestly have to ask AIBU?

yeesh

ssd · 26/09/2011 22:46

BTW op, what would happen if your lovely mum couldn't take the kids during school holidays and you couldn't get time off work?

God forbid you'd have to ever deal with that one, you'd be stamping your little feet then wouldnt you

exoticfruits · 26/09/2011 22:46

It just needs clear communication. If you wanted them for childcare they should have been asked from the start and invited to stay in your home. If they were on holiday in a hotel they should have asked your plans. No one is mind reader.

TheSecondComing · 26/09/2011 22:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hardgoing · 26/09/2011 22:48

But the OP doesn't need to let the visiting GP's look after the children as she already had GP who were enthusiastic to do that, she naively and probably not very sensibly assumed they would be similar.

They are not. But looking down on GP's who love spending time with their grandchildren, including looking after them all day in the holidays (mine have to be made to take it in turns and ask for more days) is really off.

ssd · 26/09/2011 22:51

2nd coming, she hasnt arranged her childcare, she's assumed everyone will do just exactly what suits her and is pissed off that the PIL aren't bowing to her commands, like her mum usually does

Hardgoing · 26/09/2011 22:51

ssd, why be so nasty? I'm sure the OP would do what most people do if they don't have GP's around, she'd put them in holiday club. It's not a choice: enslave unwilling grandparents and force them to do 8 hours childcare or pay for it without a care in the world. Most parents I know do a fair bit of juggling, the OP just misunderstood the level of their involvement, she won't again. But they will miss out on some time with their grandchildren as a result. They may or may not mind. But bleating 'we miss them so much' is a bit rich. Popping in for an hour or two isn't on the agenda.

mrswoodentop · 26/09/2011 22:55

Ssd you're missing the point,whatever childcare the OP had organised for half term ( and yes she is lucky to have family who want to do this)the PIL cannot just swan in for a bit of a day that is just the reality of life as a working parent.I have to go to work ,I have to be there by 9.00am therefore the children have to have care from about 8.30pm,what is she meant to do stay at home and be late for work whilst the PIL have breakfast.
Why are people on here so anti grandparents ,she is not looking for childcare ,she has that ,what she is saying is "please do have the children for the day if you would like ,but as I have to go to work it will have to be for a full day "

TheSecondComing · 26/09/2011 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WinterIsComing · 26/09/2011 23:00

No matter what the OP may have assumed, the Helpful Parents probably save them £££ as a family, so these people should NOT have to wait around and be at the beck and call of the Evil ILs who need a swim and leisurely breakfast at the expense of the time and effort of others.

Sure, don't look after the DC but don't fecking well whinge that you never see them unless you are prepared to FIT IN with the arrangements, OR arrange to have them yourselves. Two choices. They need to pick one.

mrswoodentop · 26/09/2011 23:01

ssd my children's grandparents look after them a lot in the holiday ,I don't order them about we act as a team ,they love to have the boys and would have them even more .My grandparents were massively involved in my childhood ,I miss them dearly .I learnt so much from them .I love the fact that my children have such a close and loving relationship with their grandparents who love them ,respect across the generations and that feeling of continuity of family is priceless and I know how lucky they are to have it.
My PIL would be deeply offended by your inplying that they regard having the children as a chore .

halcyondays · 26/09/2011 23:04

The problem is, she hadn't arranged childcare, there never was an arrangement in place, she just assumed the inlaws were going to look after the children for the four days, but this was never confirmed. It was never their intention to provide childcare. By the sounds of it, the inlaws didn't realise that op and her dh would both be working. They thought they were staying in the hotel close by and could spend a bit of time with their gdc. They had not offered to look after the gdc, it was all a huge misunderstanding. Op is lucky that her mum was still available and is able to look after them.

threeinmybed · 26/09/2011 23:06

What?! They're your children, your responsibility! Sure, they could provide you with childcare, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. Manage how the rest of us do during school holidays and book them into a holiday club. If the gp's want to take their gc's out for a few hours one day; great. If not, oh well.

They are not obligated to do anything, least of all provide free childcare.

halcyondays · 26/09/2011 23:10

The inlaws aren't bad people because they don't want to provide childcare for four days. Some grandparents are much more hands on than others and will be willing to commit to looking after their gdc quite a bit, while others want to take more of a back seat and have the freedom to do their own thing. It doesn't mean they don't love them and want to spend time with them.

mrswoodentop · 26/09/2011 23:11

Threeinmybed you need toned the thread .The OP has childcare organised but when the PIL announced they were comming she assumed they would want to see the children ,as both parents work this necessarily means whole days .PIL just want to drop in when they feel like it ,thats just not possible

mrswoodentop · 26/09/2011 23:11

Sorry to read the thread

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