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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with my inlaws and childcare arrangements

216 replies

Wholeofthemoon · 26/09/2011 14:07

I am a long time lurker and this is my first post so please be gentle. I would really welcome some honest opinions as I am not sure if I am BU.

My inlaws live about 300 miles away and have decided to visit us this half term. Both myself and my DH have to work that week and we normally rely on my parents, who live about 30 minutes away, to help out with the childcare of our two DD's, 10 & 8 when we cannot take time off.

When my inlaws said they would be coming for half term and knowing that we would both be working, we assumed they would be happy to spend time with their grandchildren as they don't see them very often and would have them for the 4 days.

As they are booked into a (very expensive) hotel 5 mins walk away, I asked my DH to check the details with them this weekend over the telephone such as what time they would arrive in the morning etc as I need to be at work by 09:00

They gave the reply they were not happy to look after the children that early as they have paid for an expensive hotel and didn't want to waste it! They want to turn up later in the morning (presumably having had a lovely breakfast, swim etc).

So, I have now got to ask my parents to drive 30 mins to my house to look after the children until their other set of grandparents are ready to take them out. AIBU in being absolutely livid that they do not want to spend time with their grandchildren while they have the chance and only want to do it on their terms?

Just a little back history, my inlaws do lay on the guilt that they don't get to see them often, so I am shocked they have said no. I feel like telling them to no bother coming at all if that is how they feel!!

OP posts:
halcyondays · 27/09/2011 08:50

Yes, people seem to have forgotten that the inlaws never offered to provide childcare, they just said they were going to be staying in the area and wanted to see the dgc. They probably thought that someone was going to be at home with the kids and they could visit at a mutually convenient time. It doesn't sound as if they thought they could turn up when they felt like it, it all seems to have been a huge misunderstanding. I don't know why they are being seen as the bad guys, they've done nothing wrong.

Some gps genuinely do want to be very involved and hands on and want to look after dgc for lengthy periods which is great but not all gps want to have that sort of commitment. It doesn't sound as though the inlaws had ever offered to look after the dgc much before now, and they are 10 and 8, so I don't know why op jumped to the conclusion that they would automatically want to mind them for four days. Op should have clarified the arrangements well in advance, especially as she knew she was starting a new job.

TotemPole · 27/09/2011 08:55

I agree with halcyondays, it sounds like a misunderstanding.

A compromise would be the in-laws get there early 1 or 2 days, the other days your parents take the full day, and the in-laws fit round everyone elses plans.

I can understand them wanting to take advantage of the facilities at the hotel as they've paid for them.

madam52 · 27/09/2011 09:12

I would make the usual arrangements and if that means they will hardly see them - tough. At the end of the day you have to work and so have to put your childcare arrangements into place I can see both sides but I can also see from the third pov - i.e. your parents - why should they have to fanny around backwards and forwards to accomodate your in-laws. Why the hell should your parents go out of their way to look after the GCs - which they do already - only to be sent home again when other set of grandparents deign to take over - maybe an hour later or three hours later or whatever. Especially - tho this isnt clear in OP - if they usually would have the GCs brought to them as thats extra petrol/time/driving etc aswell for them.

madam52 · 27/09/2011 09:18

Really you could simply say to them...'Look I have to go to work so either my parents will have to provide childcare as per usual arrangement or if you wish i will cancel them and you can do it - so you can see them or you do a couple of full days each.

MelodyPond · 27/09/2011 09:18

Well technically yabu, but I'd be pretty pissed off too Tbh, but then grandparents who don't help where they can mightily piss me off.

madam52 · 27/09/2011 09:21

sorry : .... - so you can see them - or you do a couple of full days each.'

donthateme · 27/09/2011 09:27

I don't see any 'palpable envy' tbh. What's to be envious of? My kids Adore their gp's. There's nothing to be envious of! Many of us prefer the 'no strings attached ' style of relationships. I'd rather be an adult and organise regular childcare myself rather than expect someone to do it for free while I earn. Tbh I wonder if the situation with the ops parents has contributed to her behaving like a bit of a spoilt child. I think the way she wrote 'the inlaws wont do it so now I'll have to get my parents to drive over ' speaks volumes. Er- no you don't need to. You could try ASKING your parents. Preferably with a touch of gratitude for all they do already

ssd · 27/09/2011 09:41

ooooohhh, there's a lot of digs on this thread about jealousy and its sad that grandparents seem to be seen as free childminders, not the loving gp's they are...............

there doesn't mean to be much discussion on mums' feeling entitled to free help when it suits them and DISCUSSION about if it does suit the gp's or not...

thats the problem with the op, the grandparents are coming on holiday and then find themselves as the free 8am to whenever childcare, and the op is pissed off that this doesn't suit them, and is even making thinly diguised threats about "I feel like telling them to no bother coming at all if that is how they feel!!"

of course its great when fit and active gp's can and do help out, but theres a fine line between being grateful for help or just expecting it

ssd · 27/09/2011 09:43

donthateme, agree totally

cory · 27/09/2011 09:47

I'd say a halfway house. It would be reasonable for them to look after grandchildren, but not perhaps reasonable to expect them to get up early in the morning to do so, since you are not even putting them up. My parents are very helpful, but my mum really wouldn't have liked the early start. We got round it by having them in our house (dh and I sleeping on the floor) so they could be present but not have to get up early.

But your children are quite old- can't a 10yo and 8yo simply stay in bed or watch television until grandparents turn up?

Janiston · 27/09/2011 09:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummytime · 27/09/2011 10:03

troisgarcon my kids are not perfect! But they are polite, and luckily at present not disaffected. DS is lazy, and hard to get to work for his GCSEs, and seems to have no idea of how to write a paragraph in English or realise it is important. DD1 kicked off twice yesterday because I said the word No to her (as in "No you can't have a Blackberry for your Birthday" and "No you can't have a packet of crisps just before dinner"). DD2 is a perfectionist who is liable to explode when the smallest thing goes wrong, and is always putting herself down. All three daily pratice emotional balck mail of the "You never pay me as much attention as X" variety.

But so far: none have done anything criminal, they don't go to "those" parties, and they still tell me about friends misdemeanour's. They are also generally kind to others, and polite.

But back to the OP. Please do appreciate your great parents, and I hope you thank them profusely for all their help, you are very lucky!

daytoday · 27/09/2011 10:26

It does sound like a misunderstanding.

Its a shame the parents in law didn't realise that they could make a real difference and offer to do a couple of the mornings, knowing how much you would like the help. Its the gesture isn't it?

Childcare isn't all about pay-pay-pay. I think its lovely when grandparents are prepared to put their needs and egos aside and simple be there to help and enjoy. A 10 year old and 8 year old are not really hard work. Maybe you could drop them off at the gramps hotel and they could go for a swim?

My mum wouldn't hesistate to help if she could. After all, a family is supposed to lovingly help and support each other - no? No strings attached?

I arrange all my childcare and pay for it myself - but in the holidays both sets of grandparents are keen to see their grandchildren for a day, health permitting, and they feel even better if they know they've helped us out aswell.

TotemPole · 27/09/2011 10:34

Does it have to be one set of grandparents or the other?

Couldn't one set do the first 1 or 2 hours then, when joined by the others, they all go out together 10-4ish? The ones that start early leave early so the other grandparents to have some time alone with the GCs.

Laquitar · 27/09/2011 10:37

trois yes in other countries the extended family helps more. But then again they never stay in a hotel. If you are going to copy Spain or Turkey or India then you have to look at the whole picture, it is 2 way and its not all lovely.

Are the OP's own parents stay in OP's house then? Tbh if i was not invited at my son's house and i had to book a hotel i would do the same, i would enjoy the hotel's breakfast and pool. And if my dil told me you have to be here at 8am for childcare i wouldn't be happy.

eaglewings · 27/09/2011 13:32

You forgot step parents - that makes you all bad people

eaglewings · 27/09/2011 13:35

Sorry x post with the saving time post Blush

mrswoodentop · 27/09/2011 15:27

The OP gives the impression that the PIL just rang up one day and said that they had booked a hotel and were coming down .No consultation and no opportunity to ask them to stay as they had already made alternative arrangements which presumably they prefer

talkingnonsense · 29/09/2011 20:53

Any update op?

TartyMcFarty · 29/09/2011 21:29

YANBU on either score IMO, largely because it sounds like your own family willingly help you out at the drop of a hat. Why wouldn't you, therefore, make the assumption based on their plans to come to you at half term, that the ILs would do the same? You won't make that mistake again, and neither will your ILs assume that your childcare arrangements can be made to fit around them.

I agree that your mum should decide what she wants to do in the first instance, and that the ILs work around that.

And for those of us lucky enough to have family who'd be offended not to be asked to help out with the DCs, why would we choose paid childcare instead? If I did that I'd have to work FT to pay for it.

JustAnother · 29/09/2011 21:48

Well, the children can hardly stay alone waiting for the GPs to turn up. So, I would book them into a holiday club, or take them to your parents in the morning, if they are still available and willing, and advise the ILs that you will all be back home at x time, in case they want to pop in for a visit. What was the point of the ILs coming over if they weren't able to adapt their times so that they could see you?

scaredykatt · 29/09/2011 22:22

OP, YANBU. Your PILs sound pretty selfish to me. What normal PILs stay in a nearby expensive hotel? And, despite complaining about not seeing the GCH enough, say that they would rather enjoy the hotel facilities in the mornings than see them for the whole day(s)? What normal PILs visiting at half term with working parents would not expect to (and want to) look after their GCH?They clearly have their own agenda, so you should just carry on with your usual arrangements until they make any specific requests to spend time with you and GCH and then see how that can be accommodated without anyone else being too inconvenienced in meeting that agenda.

ifink · 30/09/2011 00:50

Not BU to think they might have consulted you first to enquire how their visit might 'help' or not help you out knowing that you work FT. But certainly BU to assume they will look after the kids for you just because they are visiting down your way. Sadly my own parents are the same as your PIL - I call them the 'one hour' GPs (my DF needs a rest and cup of tea after 60 minutes of playing!)- I find it disappointing but I have had to swallow it that they have done their fair share of being around young children and in their older age aren't prepared to do more. Fair enough.

ssd · 30/09/2011 09:20

scardeykatt, the op doesn't want them staying with her as she said earlier

"They never stay with us, they always prefer a hotel (which suits everyone) Wink"

the op wants the gp's to fit around her, like her mum does, thats why she's annoyed, these gp's actually want to enjoy some time on holiday for themselves instead of being the unpaid help for the duration of their holidays

SarahLundsredJumper · 30/09/2011 10:11

The PIL coming down at halfterm when you will be at work sounds odd to me . I wouldnt want to entertain in the middle of a busy working week.

They seem to be the type of people who say "I dont ever see my GC" but who then dont actually really want to or do anything to enable it.However they cant say that but rather like to put the blame elsewhere Hmm

The whole thing seems to be a lack of communication -they have their agenda -relax in hotel etc(nothing wrong with that)and you have yours -work and needing to have childcare arranged .

I think in future you need to be a bit more upfront with them - "yes of course you can come down but the DC will be at GP as usual during the day -unless of course you would like to have them -NO? -oh OK then !
They are the ones missing out .