To be annoyed with my inlaws and childcare arrangements

[Wholeofthemoon]

I am a long time lurker and this is my first post so please be gentle. I would really welcome some honest opinions as I am not sure if I am BU.

My inlaws live about 300 miles away and have decided to visit us this half term. Both myself and my DH have to work that week and we normally rely on my parents, who live about 30 minutes away, to help out with the childcare of our two DD's, 10 & 8 when we cannot take time off.

When my inlaws said they would be coming for half term and knowing that we would both be working, we assumed they would be happy to spend time with their grandchildren as they don't see them very often and would have them for the 4 days.

As they are booked into a (very expensive) hotel 5 mins walk away, I asked my DH to check the details with them this weekend over the telephone such as what time they would arrive in the morning etc as I need to be at work by 09:00

They gave the reply they were not happy to look after the children that early as they have paid for an expensive hotel and didn't want to waste it! They want to turn up later in the morning (presumably having had a lovely breakfast, swim etc).

So, I have now got to ask my parents to drive 30 mins to my house to look after the children until their other set of grandparents are ready to take them out. AIBU in being absolutely livid that they do not want to spend time with their grandchildren while they have the chance and only want to do it on their terms?

Just a little back history, my inlaws do lay on the guilt that they don't get to see them often, so I am shocked they have said no. I feel like telling them to no bother coming at all if that is how they feel!!

Oh, sorry I've got my settings to 25 messages a page. Thought I had it to 100 still only got the first page.

SSD - if you feel the OP is being U, fair enough. But there is no need to be rude. You have no idea of her relationship with her mother and you do not know the OP, so how can you say she is demanding and "stamps her feet". No need for that at all.

Before I had kids, my Mum always said she wouldn't be "free-childcare". She said this as she felt she had done her fair share bringing her own kids up. Since DS was born she asks to have him for weeks at a time (she sometimes gets him for a few days, not weeks mind!). She would also be deeply offended by SSD implying that having him would be a chore.

Some GPs relish having the GCs and are more than happy to have them for full days or a full couple of days. Other GCs feel like they've done their fair share and just want 1-2 hours with the GKs. That's fine. Each to their own. But if the ILs can't fit in which the childcare arrangements, then they can't complain that they don't see the kids enough. It is half term. The parents are working.

For the ILs to see the GKs, there are clearly only two options:

1. they see them during the day, which means a 9am start (on one, a few, or all days)

2. they see them in the evenings (on one, a few, or all days).

However, it is not fair to expect to see the GKs during the day whenever it takes their fancy. It is unreasonable for the OPs parents to look after the GKs until the ILs decide to make an appearance.

Hmmm, I think you probably should have made it more clear to your IL's from the outset, rather than just assuming they would either be able or want to take on the childcare.

It's possible they don't realise that it's not possible for that girls to be there after you've gone to work, and that if they want them for the whole day it's going to be an early start.

It's also possible that they feel they've done their child rearing and they only want to do the 'fun stuff' like taking the girls out for dinner, unlike your parents, whom you are extremely lucky to have btw!

I think youre hoping theyre going to be as accommodating as your parents. And fwiw, I think most gp's moan that they don't see enough of their gc's!

Sorry, but I still think you assumed a bit too much of them.

Like others have said I think you should have checked with them and not have assumed but on the otherhand I don't think YABVVVVU!

Your IL's are expecting to see their dgc when it suits them - fine, but and you and your DH will not be at home. So leave them work it out with the person who will be there - your Mum. They must fit in with her. Simple.

I would arrange whatever you normally would during holiday time and see what happens from there. If your IL's don't get to see much of their dgc (due to their hotel break) well now, that's down to them isn't it.

(Sorry if I'm repeating anything that's already been mentioned)

She did not have childcare organized as either she or her DH would stay home with them and her parents would fill in the times that they couldn't.

She couldn't take time off this half-term because she just started a new job and assumed that the PILs would take care of them as they were visiting. When she asked her DH to confirm the PILs needing to be there at 9am, it was then discovered that the PILs could not be there at that time. They wanted to have have a leisurely breakfast at their expensive hotel be there later.

She then scrambled and called on her parents to take care of the DCs instead.

I realise that you can't simply expect other people, even GPs, to provide childcare for your children.

However, in this situation I would make childcare arrangements which do not include their paternal GPs. I would not take any time off work. I would leave them to stew in their marvellous hotel. Perhaps they could pop in for a cup of tea at the weekend before they leave to go home?

I think your pil abu, they are expecting everyone else to work around what they want , although you should have asked them in the beginning if the could have dc .

As they can't I would tell them that they can see the dc in the evenings. I'm very lucky my mum has always helped out with childcare. I'm now on bedrest and mil, sil, dm, dsis and my grandparents are all helping out with the dc, don't know what I would do without them

I will do the same when I am a gp, I don't understand all the they've bought up their children why should they help out with childcarecomments. My dc will always be my dc and if I can help them and make life slightly easier for them in any way I will, doesn't matter if they are 40

90 years ago when my great gp were little it was the done thing for families to help out with childcare, my ggm had her sisters dc and so on.

Gosh the envy on these threads is palpable, all this pursed lippde "well you just have to manage like the rest of us" is most amusing. Some of you really need to get over yourselves.

And I say this as someone who lives half way round the world from my own family and whose in laws died long before my first born arrived so has never had "free childcare" or what in the real world is known as "loving GP's who happen to both want to spend time with their GC's and help out their DC and their partner".

There's some serious bitchiness on here today.

OP has said:

She usually shares half term childcare with her husband however has started a new job so can't
Her parents usually help with childcare and they enjoy it
PIL moan that they don't see enough of the grandkids.

Yes she was wrong to assume but some people need to stop seeing the bad in everything and read everything the OP has written. Her mother is not at her beck and call and does not do everything the OP asks her to do - OP was stuck for childcare and her parents don't mind taking the DC. If they couldn't have taken them then the OP would have had to make other arrangements.

Funny isn't it QoD. Apart from you, you can tell who's pissed off because their own parents don't want to/aren't able to help more. and some people are just downright bloody nasty and really shouldn't let their own jealousy cloud their judgement.

I do find this mantra on MN of 'your kids, you look after them' quite bizarre. This mindset seems only be prevalent in this country, no wonder we have a disaffected youth. Every other culture still has an extended family/community that all help bring up the children.

And with Gwendoline and QoDon this - the jealous in this forum for married couples who have their own parents still living and helping out is absolutely shocking.

troisgarcons
My kids (touch wood) are very much "not disaffected youth". They get complimented by teachers for being so polite etc. But they have never had any care by family members (except twice in their life being babysat by a cousin).

OP your ILs do sound a bit odd, but if them I might also have expected you and your DH to take some time off to see them. However I early in my marriage was shocked when my ILs went on holiday about 30 miles from us (they lived about 200 miles away) and did either visit us or suggest we visited them. So I've never had any expectations.
I think you need to show your parents how much you appreciate their free child care; and just cope with your ILs saying one thing but doing another (people often say what they think society expects, but act in a different way).

One thing I learned a long time ago - in cyber space absolutely everyones child is (a) clever (b) polite (c) tall and skinny (d) perfectly behaved (e) has beautiful manners (f) is the most popular child in the class...blah blah blah

I think I would like to borrow the rose tinted specs that get passed round!

Oh and the other thing I learned - all strangers are paedophiles but what I learned on MN is all men fall into one of two camps (a) control freaks or (b) wet lettuces. Could do a thread of my own on this .....All MILS are worse than Snow Whites Step Mother..... all SILS are dreadfully jealous.....all BILs lead DPs astray.....all DCs friends aren't parented properly.....All working mums are evil ....all SAHMs are workshy .....blah blah blah with the sterotypes

We do have a disaffected youth in this country, less than 50% are brought up in a stable home with the same set of parents they originally started with. Quite frequently there is no male figure on the scene (that would include male primary teachers) and a 1/4 of a million house holds havent worked for 3 generations. I'd call that pretty much disaffected.

Oh fgs lets not get into some daft debate about whether the cause of disaffected youth is the fact that children attend proper regulated childcare rather than being left with granny.

Tbh there are many shades of grey when it comes to using relatives for free or cheap care. MN has numerous threads from women who use grandparents for childcare but are secretly unhappy with how certain things are done but feel they cant speak up. Also many women have no choice- they cant afford childcare so have to use relatives whether they are good or not (shudders at memory of a gran I used to see, fag in mouth, nattering to her mate while grandkids trailed behind on the way to school).

Now personally, I wouldn't want my parents to be driving 30 mins to look after my kids. I feel my parents have done their bit- now is THEIR time, and I want them to have a close relationship with my kids and see lots of them but NOT as free childminders. There are so^ many other ways they can spend time together without being obliged to turn up at specific times to fit around work.

However, if the ops parents are genuinely happy with the arrangement then its up to them. The ops mistake is in having become so used to her parents providing this that she assumes the inlaws will be the same. She should have respected them enough to ASK not assume.

I find it sad on here that being looked after by grandparents is always reduced to "free childcare". :(

The OP has said that her mother actively tries to get rid of her in order to spend more time with the children. So we can safely assume that she is not providing 'free childcare' but spending time with her grandchildren and not under sufferance.

And while, yes, the op should have asked, equally so should the couple who have announced their arrival at this time without any thought for arrangements.

Why sad? In the vast majority of cases that's what it is.
Don't get me wrong_ - I TOTALLY understand the value of a close and loving bond between grandparents and grandchildren. I had a very special relationship with mine, and I've always fostered my childrens' with their grandparents.
But its a relationship where love and time are freely given- it's not an obligation for anyone and it doesn't involve having to be in certain places at 8 am or standing at the school gate at 3.30pm

I'm not reducing the role of grandparents at all- on the contrary i respect my parents and inlaws enough to know they have their own lives and shouldn't feel under any obligation to fit them round mine

Granparents providing childcare is a lovely thing and 4 days once a year is hardly a massive burden on anyone. If they don't want to do it, their loss, they will just have to appreciate that you will be at work and children in childcare during the day.

4 days doesn't seem like a massive burden- but it's not 4 days as agreed by both parties. Maybe the gp's have other plans. Maybe they wanted a relaxing hotel break and then spending some time with the kids but not being tied to providing all the childcare. Who know? Presumably they DON'T feel they're missing out or they'd be offering to be on ops doorstep every morning. The lesson is- ASK if you want a favour, don't ASSUME

the grandparents are on holiday. They shouldnt have to ask permission! They also never offered to provide childcare in the first case - that seems to have been forgotten somewhere along the line. There was a massive assumption. Who knows what the grandparents want? No-one has really asked them, from what I understand.

What are you talking about? As the purpose of the holiday was to come and see the grandchildren, of course they need permission! Not to see them but to find out where they are going to slot in to an already complicated day. You think they should just be able to pitch up and expect that the children are where they want them at the time they want them? That's impossible.

"I do find this mantra on MN of 'your kids, you look after them' quite bizarre."

I don't. In the 21st century having children is a lifestyle choice. I don't think it is fair to assume that you will get free childcare from other family members just because you have decided to start a family.

I get quite annoyed by this "having children is a lifestyle choice" line. It's a choice, but it's not at the same level as deciding which job to take or which Sky package to buy, and we'd be pretty screwed if everyone chose not to. Someone has to have children to dole out the medication when we're in a nursing home. It's in our collective interests for people to have children.

Having said that I don't think "expecting" free childcare from family members is fair either. But I don't think that's the OP's position - her own parents actively want to spend time with the grandchildren and from the sound of things would be quite insulted if she offered to pay or cut down the amount of time they spend. Meanwhile her PIL want to see the grandchildren but they want everything to be timetabled to suit them. Well, that's not really practical - I don't think the OP is being unreasonable to say it's full days or evenings only, rather than messing her own parents about.

Surely it's not true that "having children is a lifestyle choice" - I think that not having children is a lifestyle choice - having them is what we're programmed to do!