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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with my inlaws and childcare arrangements

216 replies

Wholeofthemoon · 26/09/2011 14:07

I am a long time lurker and this is my first post so please be gentle. I would really welcome some honest opinions as I am not sure if I am BU.

My inlaws live about 300 miles away and have decided to visit us this half term. Both myself and my DH have to work that week and we normally rely on my parents, who live about 30 minutes away, to help out with the childcare of our two DD's, 10 & 8 when we cannot take time off.

When my inlaws said they would be coming for half term and knowing that we would both be working, we assumed they would be happy to spend time with their grandchildren as they don't see them very often and would have them for the 4 days.

As they are booked into a (very expensive) hotel 5 mins walk away, I asked my DH to check the details with them this weekend over the telephone such as what time they would arrive in the morning etc as I need to be at work by 09:00

They gave the reply they were not happy to look after the children that early as they have paid for an expensive hotel and didn't want to waste it! They want to turn up later in the morning (presumably having had a lovely breakfast, swim etc).

So, I have now got to ask my parents to drive 30 mins to my house to look after the children until their other set of grandparents are ready to take them out. AIBU in being absolutely livid that they do not want to spend time with their grandchildren while they have the chance and only want to do it on their terms?

Just a little back history, my inlaws do lay on the guilt that they don't get to see them often, so I am shocked they have said no. I feel like telling them to no bother coming at all if that is how they feel!!

OP posts:
toddlerama · 26/09/2011 17:26

What about getting the DDs ready in the morning and leaving them home alone until the in-laws get there each day? It would only be a couple of hours and it might speed them up to know that the children are alone and waiting for them. Saves your mum the drive too. Only you know if this would be ok for your DDs, but I think me and my sisters would have been left for a short time at this age.

didldidi · 26/09/2011 17:35

Were they aware that if they came over later that the children would be elsewhere? perhaps they just haven't thought through the logistics?

wideawakenurse · 26/09/2011 17:35

YANBU - they are being pretty rude to you parents, expecting them to hang around with the DC's until they are ready to see them.

killercat · 26/09/2011 17:35

Ditto what toddlerama said. I'd leave my almost 9 year old for an hour or two under these circumstances.
YANBU btw Grin but inlaws are mysterious beings...

ivykaty44 · 26/09/2011 17:36

I would be livid as well -

  1. they complain about not seeing the dc
  2. they book to arrive and stay in a hotel during half term, which would indicate they want to spend time with the grandchildren
  3. if someone else is looking after the dc how do the arriving grandparents intend to see their grandc - as the minders may have other plans and not wait around for the gp do turn up

If I was the other grandparents I would be mightly pissed off, to drive 30 miles or minutes to look after the gc until the other grandparents turn up - I don't think so...

Laquitar · 26/09/2011 17:46

Em, either you are close family, they stay at yours and help you out (and in return you spoil them) or they stay in a hotel and they do what they like.

Bootcamp · 26/09/2011 17:49

Yabu. Why oh why agree to them coming later in the day? You should have simply asked them then told them the dcs would be out all day as your parents care for them and you are at work. They can see them when they get in. Simple.

shesparkles · 26/09/2011 17:50

When I first read the thread I'll admit I was kind of thinking that YWB a bit U, but as I've read through it and reflected on my own experiences, I've come down a lot more on the side of the OP.

As far as I can see, the OP had her girls covered for the holidays by her own parents and the ILs have come along and stuck a great big bloody oar in!

I know GPs looking after their DGC isn't an automatic right of any parent, god knows I know! but let's be fair, an 8 and 10 year old don't need a lot of looking after really, it's more supervision, a world away from looking after 2 toddlers!
The idea of the girls going to the hotel in the morning sounds like a good one-there has to be compromise somewhere!

CustardCake · 26/09/2011 17:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stripesnotspots · 26/09/2011 17:55

YABU. It's their break so you don't getbto dictate what they do. Luckily you have another option with the other grandparents. So be nice for them all to hang out maybe. IMHO you sound a bit bratty and spoiled.

didldidi · 26/09/2011 17:59

Maybe this is the reason they don't like staying at your house! to come and go without your children as they please.

chocolatehobnobs · 26/09/2011 18:46

YANBU Given that they have complained about wanting to see more of the children and they arranged to come at half term (and know you work) it is a natural assumption that they would want to have the children for a few days. However that they chose to stay in a hotel suggests that they are not the same sort of parents as yours and mine and I think you were a little naïve not to have discussed the arrangements earlier. I think I would ask DH to ask them what they feel able to do, on the understanding that if they do not want to come over by 8 30 they will have to fit in with the other grandparents maybe drive to your parents once or twice, take them out for the afternoon and bring them home.

DontTellAnyonebut · 26/09/2011 18:49

OP, i'm with you. Especially as your mum will have to still do the early morning bit. I'd suggest to the IL the two full days, alternating with your parents. Your inlaws sound pretty selfish to me.

Laquitar · 26/09/2011 18:49

OP, have you read the hotel breakfast thread?

Will they bring you some breakfast from the buffet?

TadlowDogIncident · 26/09/2011 18:52

I definitely don't think your own parents should be inconvenienced by this - I'd start by talking to your mum about what she would like to happen, and then suggest that to the PILs, with the fallback that if that doesn't suit them (whatever it is) it'll be evenings only and they'll be seeing all of you as a family, rather than spending time with the grandchildren on their own.

If they choose to come at half term, knowing you have to work, they must realise that either they do the childcare or they have to fit in with whatever arrangements you've made. I don't think you sound bratty or spoiled - it's a pity that you didn't discuss this with your inlaws in advance, because you got some badly crossed wires, and it doesn't sound as though they've exactly been champing at the bit to help out in the past, but what's done is done and the important thing now is to produce a solution that keeps your parents and your children happy. (What are your children's views, by the way? Do they actually want to spend time with your PILs without you there?)

Gigondas · 26/09/2011 18:54

Yanbu- I would have lost it with them. ESP over take away- when you have been in hospital then have to fend for yourself with take sways as too tired, you long for some home cooked food

Your bil sounds a catch- is he single?Grin

pigletmania · 26/09/2011 18:58

YABVU that is not the attitude to take imo, sounds very childish and selfish. I would do the same as your IL's, I would not like to be up early if I did not have to.

Gigondas · 26/09/2011 18:59

Sorry wrong thread Blush but grandparents aren't childcare so yabu

youarekidding · 26/09/2011 19:02

I don't think YABU. Yes you assumed as would I that they would want the days with the DC's - hence booking for a school holiday.

I can see why they want to enjoy the hotel if they've paid for it. I would ask them to give you a time on each day they will be coming to see the DC's and tell them it's because you have to arrange childcare. It will be really stressful if they try and decide the day before as your plans need to be finalised.

Everlong · 26/09/2011 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Inertia · 26/09/2011 19:21

I think the only thing YABU about is to assume the In-laws would be willing to spend full days every day with the children , without checking. However, they cannot expect to swan in and have grandchildren available at their convenience - you and DH will be working so you need reliable child care arrangements in place.

TadlowDog is right to say that the last thing you should do is to inconvenience your own parents; it sounds as though they willingly do a lot for you as a family, but that shouldn't extend to ferrying the children here , there and everywhere according to the whims of the in-laws. Speaking to your parents about what suits them is probably the way forward, and if they have plans for each day then the in-laws can see you and the children after work. Your parents might be willing to arrange to meet the in-laws at the park, or to be home for them to be picked up, but it would be really unreasonable for them to be put out.

fedupofnamechanging · 26/09/2011 19:40

I'm another one who can't really understand why people get a pasting for expecting their families to either help them out or expect them to want to spend time with their grand children.

Given that the GPs complain about not seeing the kids and booked their visit for half term, I would have assumed too, that they would be happy to be with the girls all day, until you come home. It's four days in the entire year, so hardly a lot.

If I was the OP and starting work in a new department that week, the last thing I'd want is to come home and be expected to entertain and cook for my IL's every night.

They are fair weather grandparents, and as such are entitled to no more consideration from you, than they give to you. Your priority should be to do what makes your own mother happy, so she doesn't feel used or put upon.

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld · 26/09/2011 19:42

YABU to assume, you really should have got DH to check well in advance.

However, you are perfectly reasonable to tell your in-laws that although they are welcome to visit you, and see their GC, in the evening, they will be with your parents during the day. It would be very unreasonable, and arrogant, of your in-laws to expect your parents to run their lives around their whims.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 26/09/2011 19:48

Do the PIL know it's half term? I wouldn't, I no longer have dc in school.

effingwotnots · 26/09/2011 19:49

I don't think op is b u. I'd be pissed off too.