to consider speaking to social services, due to concerns for a friend and her DD?

[reallydontknowwhattodo]

I sound totally shit just from the title of this, I know. I don't feel good about even considering it, but I have genuine and serious concerns for the wellbeing of the one-year-old DD of a friend.

First of all, I want to make clear that I have tried everything I consider to be within my power to help this situation myself. I have spent God only knows how many hours trying to cajole my friend into getting help and changing things for her DD, but nothing works. Nothing ever changes for more than a day or so.

She, her DD, and her DD's father live in a house that is (to put it nicely) a great big shithole. The place is absolutely caked in dirt and animal waste, and is rarely, if at all, cleaned. I have tried in the past to clean it myself, but it needs a specialist in there and despite encouragement from several people to hire someone, they never have. This is not a money issue, they could afford to have a proper clean done.

Both mum and dad have terrible personal hygiene. They don't seem at all bothered by this, and my friend seemed to find it amusing that she had worn the same pair of jeans for four months without washing them. They reeked. The DD is always in dirty clothes, always smells bad and is left in dirty nappies way longer than she should be.

I'm afraid to say though, the above is the tip of the iceberg. The DD is rarely cuddled, her dad has very little to do with the care of her, so my friend is for all intents and purposes a single mum, and she has little patience with her DD. She snaps at her, swears at her, and will leave her crying for a long time. She has very irregular mealtimes, and is fed a poor diet. My friend regularly has outbursts relating to threatening suicide and although I don't believe she would ever actually do it, I worry about the mind of someone who would actually threaten this anyway.

I know the above sounds horrible and I feel awful and bad myself that I can't figure out how to help my friend without the assistance of SS, but I'm scared that if I don't, the LO will continue to live how she has for her first year. My friend does not see a HV, and there is no family who are suitable to help them (or in fact to approach about this), as they are either very far away or in the case of the paternal GPs, elderly and disabled (in a way that makes CC impossible).

So AIBU to actually approach SS now? I don't know what else to do.

'In the past I would not have hesitated to say phone SS. However, I have had a really bad experience with a local social work team recently, including very poor record keeping and fabricating things we have said (my DS is disabled). Apologies to social workers on here, but although it sounds like you have no choice but to phone them, ironically you may have to act as an advocate for her if things get out of hand.'

Snap.

OP. If you do it, please will you stick around to help her through the SS minefield. I don't think you have a choice but to report it, but please tell her to call you for any visits or interviews as an independent supportive witness.

I thought this would be someone over reacting but its not, please do phone SS, they arent there to punish but to help.

If you need any persuasion, read this:

www.mailonsunday.co.uk/home/you/article-2040481/Diane-Bernie-Lierow-We-knew-Dani-needed-us.html

I would definately ring social services , it sounds as though it will be the kick up the arse your friend needs and as a result life will improve for her DD .

It's good that you have emailed them (and are ringing them tomorrow). It's a horrible thing to have to do, but you did have to do it. As Startlight said, try to be there when she needs you, as it wont be easy for them (nor should it be really) but she's your friend and is clearly struggling.

It's not 'shopping a friend to the authorities'.
It is keeping a child safe.

Kerry, the OP has spent a year trying to help her friend and things are still going downhill.

I think the OP has already tried herself kerry. It sounds like her friend is having some mental health problems too. She isnt trained to deal with all that and if she got it wrong and her friend or the child got hurt in some waybecause of it she would never forgive herself.

Sometimes yes a true friend is the one who makes you get help whether you think you need it or not.

Interesting Daily Mail Article, rhondajean but I am shuddering a bit at the phrase used by the U.S CPS, "environmental autism" to describe extreme emotional neglect when no physiological or neurological case for ASD is found. Autism should not ever be associated with abuse as a matter of course

Kerry as much as I love my friends, I don't think any friendship is worth more than the life of an innocent child.

Good point youwin, I was just horrified though that this wee girl ws born healthy and will suffer for the rest of her life because of her early treatment. I know theres a lot of others too - but I genuinely didnt know that about learning to speak in the first two years or you cant.

They need to find a name for it which doesnt relate the abuse and neglect to a disability that people have through no abuse too though, I agree.

Kerrymumbles, it is not 'betraying your friend' when a child's life is at risk! It's getting the friend the help and support they so badly need!

The OP has done everything she can to get her friend to be a better mum and nothing has worked. If she sat down with her friend and did what you suggest she would only end up alienating her friend and quite possibly getting the door slammed in her face and so prevent all access to the baby.

This way she can keep an eye on the baby and be ready to help through whatever process is coming. In fact it is probably thanks to the OP and her friend who had the baby last night that the baby is in a better condition than it would otherwise be in.

My god you would actually allow a defenceless child to carry on being so badly neglected just because of loyalty Kerrymumbles? SHAME ON YOU.

What an awful position for you to be in,but you have done the right thing,as clearly things won't change now without some extra help. What else could you have done? You've tried to help and can't do that alone. Miserable to be in the middle like this,but hopefully things will now get better for the little girl.

rohnda- that is the tip of the iceberg, people think that neglect is way down the scale when compared to abuse, but nearly half of the children who i deal with on CP/CIN plans have been left disabled to some degree because of neglect.

The symptoms display as autism, so until a 'syndrome' name is found it is the easiest way to explain it. Often with LD's as long as they fit into a criteria the child can be treated as though it has that condition, which can mean that they also can access the service to help.

Kerry- you can tell parents 'as straight' as you like and do your best to work with them, it doesn't always sink in. They need a range of intervention that a lay person cannot arrange/support them with. Read the thread, the child is being emotionally damaged as well as neglected.

I'm curious - how come you're friends with this lady? I only ask because, usually, we have things in common with our friends and, clearly, you are not dirty, unhygenic or slovenly yourself. You also don't treat your own DC in this way, I assume, so what is the history/basis of your friendship?

Kerry i sit with families daily (CP SW) listening to their answers for everything and denial of any problems, especially with neglect and emotional abuse.

The OP may not know of the full consequences of the neglect that the child is suffering, so cannot put an arguement and statisics together, we don't do on average 5 years training for fun.

But how can it be best-practice to treat an NT child who has been severely neglected in the same way that you might an autistic child who has been BORN experiencing the world differently from others?

My autistic DS was BF past the age of two, continually cuddled, kissed, interacted-with and spoken to / listened to appropriately by all family members as well as being given the best physical care imaginable.

Could there not be a separate category for emotionally disadvantaged children and actual disabled children? Now I am starting to realise why so many of my fellow MNers on the SN board are being referred to the safeguarding team

I read that DM link (thank you btw) and it made me think of the lady I met every week at the swimming pool who had adopted a 3 y.o boy who hadn't learnt to walk, not because his mother was cruel in the sense of beating him etc, but because she had kept him permanently strapped in a buggy.

He also had no idea how to clean his teeth and had never been talked to as the birth mother had just kept him in front of the tv all day.

The trouble is when mothers are so shockingly bad as is in this case they probably aren't really aware of it especially if their own upbringing was similar. Also, it is true that people get used to their own smell so they wouldn't necessarily notice anything wrong there either.

Some delivery men once said to me they have been absolutely shocked at the state of some houses they are asked to deliver the most expensive top of the range tv/sound systems to, with human and animal excrement all over sofas and carpets.

For goodness sake! This child is clearly in danger, with the risk increasing every moment she becomes more mobile. The time for straight chats, softly-softly emails and talking to the health visitor is long gone. I am appalled at some of the responses on here saying that a 'real friend' wouldn't phone SS. A 'real human being' would not make such a pathetic excuse for leaving a baby in such conditions and saying nothing.

This is the most upsetting thread I have read on here. As a child who was in and out of foster care, I know the lifelong consequences of a neglectful start in life

And yes the most disgusting thing is that people let it happen and don't report it. I am very sympathetic of mental health problems (I had PND) but to leave a child crying, in dirty nappies and running around such a filthy house shows a lack of empathy which is sinister IMO.

I am always on the side of the child and I think these people sound like fucking disgusting pigs. They know right from wrong and therefore it is not a defence to say 'it is not wilful' neglect. Both of the parents are being neglectful here. It disgusts me, absolutely disgusts me that posters who expressed horror of such a situation are being told to come down of their pedastal.

No I am not perfect. I sometimes shout at my children and I have made mistakes. But I have every right to be disgusted at this and that it has taken a year to do something about it. To emotionally and physically abuse a child in such a way, I am baffled you can still be friends with them