to consider speaking to social services, due to concerns for a friend and her DD?

[reallydontknowwhattodo]

I sound totally shit just from the title of this, I know. I don't feel good about even considering it, but I have genuine and serious concerns for the wellbeing of the one-year-old DD of a friend.

First of all, I want to make clear that I have tried everything I consider to be within my power to help this situation myself. I have spent God only knows how many hours trying to cajole my friend into getting help and changing things for her DD, but nothing works. Nothing ever changes for more than a day or so.

She, her DD, and her DD's father live in a house that is (to put it nicely) a great big shithole. The place is absolutely caked in dirt and animal waste, and is rarely, if at all, cleaned. I have tried in the past to clean it myself, but it needs a specialist in there and despite encouragement from several people to hire someone, they never have. This is not a money issue, they could afford to have a proper clean done.

Both mum and dad have terrible personal hygiene. They don't seem at all bothered by this, and my friend seemed to find it amusing that she had worn the same pair of jeans for four months without washing them. They reeked. The DD is always in dirty clothes, always smells bad and is left in dirty nappies way longer than she should be.

I'm afraid to say though, the above is the tip of the iceberg. The DD is rarely cuddled, her dad has very little to do with the care of her, so my friend is for all intents and purposes a single mum, and she has little patience with her DD. She snaps at her, swears at her, and will leave her crying for a long time. She has very irregular mealtimes, and is fed a poor diet. My friend regularly has outbursts relating to threatening suicide and although I don't believe she would ever actually do it, I worry about the mind of someone who would actually threaten this anyway.

I know the above sounds horrible and I feel awful and bad myself that I can't figure out how to help my friend without the assistance of SS, but I'm scared that if I don't, the LO will continue to live how she has for her first year. My friend does not see a HV, and there is no family who are suitable to help them (or in fact to approach about this), as they are either very far away or in the case of the paternal GPs, elderly and disabled (in a way that makes CC impossible).

So AIBU to actually approach SS now? I don't know what else to do.

It might be best to ring them. I know it'll be hard to talk about but why not make a list of bullet points you want to make before the call? That way you won't get too flustered & forget any important details. Also you'll be certain that your call has been taken seriously rather than if you got an automated email reply. All the best, you're doing the right thing.

That's interesting Purpleheart - I'm in the same vague geographic area as you and as far as I'm aware anyone can ask/be referred for help to our outreach team and they will get on board and do whatever they can.

It's the fact that OP says she's sure it's not 'wilful' neglect and the mother would be 'devastated' if the child was removed that makes me wonder if an official but slightly softer approach could be a first resort, but obviously OP knows the situation best and the child's welfare is paramount.

And having re-read the OP at a more sensible hour, am thinking that SS probably is the right way to go. Our outreach service is outstanding, but there's only so much they can do and there's obviously a need for some fairly urgent intervention here.

OP - best of luck - to you and to your friend and her daughter.

you need to phone the duty reception services team

If you are nervous about it, then spend 10 mins before clearly writing out all your issues

They will have a standby service, which will be open on a sunday

You are ding the right thing

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE phone. A child in my area was living in conditions very similar to this. Noone knew until the child got seriously ill after catching a terrible infection due to the state of his home. The child was in hospital for 15weeks.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE phone.
I realise how hard it must be, due to loyallty to your friend, but an innocent baby is at HUGE risk here.
Its the right thing to do.

Assuming OP hasn't exaggerated (and it happens) she is doing the right thing. OP is right to be reluctant to get them involved except when strictly necessary... this fits the bill of necessary :(.

Though I'd probably rot in hell before reporting to NSPCC. OP should contact SS directly.

SS will only see the physical neglect, though, the filthy state of things. You need to make it clear how worried you are about the combination of child's diet and lack of love and the mother's unstable mental state, these are the crucial problems that concern you. They can't easily see those things if you don't ask them to look for them.

Call the initial response team/emergency duty team (sorry not sure what the difference is). They will NOT swoop in and take the child away but they will work with the family and also, will monitor the situation, so that things improve for this baby.

To everyone coming on and having a go - try to think about what we all want to achieve here and put that before your petty point scoring.

DSS social care will take as soft an approach as they possibly can. The parents will be given a chance to clean up their act, unless this truly is beyond repair. Either way I trust (though appreiate lots of people disagree) that what is best for the child will be done. I have never yet met a social worker who didn't genuinely care.

Just wanted to say to those who are 'horrified' by this child's living conditions, you would be even more horrified by the number of children who live like this. And those of you criticising the OP for not acting sooner? I just hope you are speaking from experience.

Hi everyone. I am sorry I haven't been back before now.

I emailed the NSPCC before I went to bed last night. I thought about calling, but the DD will not be back with her parents until tomorrow night so it wasn't a case of getting the help that exact second. I know that some of you will disagree with this, but I thought this was the best way for me to get my point across and making sure I said everything I needed to. They have my contact details.

I will follow up with a phone call tomorrow though, directly to SS during normal working hours. I have kept a copy of what I emailed to the NSPCC, so I can forward them that if necessary. This will happen many hours before the DD is home.

Thank you for all your help everyone.

Please keep us informed.

SS won't remove the child, they may ask if she has any family that can take her whilst the house is cleaned up.

They will do a parent assessment, which will help them to see if there are any MH problems that need help. They will put services in place to clean up the house and help the parents to get back on track.

Children are only removed if the parents cannot show that they can successfully bring up a child or if they are placing that child in danger. On average they can be given upto three years to sort themselves out. If they don't them it is in the best interests of the child to remove it. You could only argue with that if you think that it is right for a child to be brought up in a neglectful and damaging way.

The outreach team comes in after an assessment has been done, if the outreach team decide that it needs a full assessment then they call SS and they are used to monitor the situation, under the title of family support.

A child can be put on a CP plan but be moved to a child in need as things get better, then finally the case can be closed, if there are no further concerns.

It is not right that a child lives in the circumstances that you describe, it is also not right that you will sit back and let this neglect carry on.

X post, i am glad that you have done that, people have a totally incorrect view of what SS is.

The NSCCP will also pass this on, but phone as well. People use them incorrectly, thinking that they are a softer option, but the NSCCP do not put services in place, the direction to them, for them to help, comes from SS.

This will be picked upon within 48 hours, if you have emailed what you put in your thread.

The child will either go on a 'child in need' or 'child protection' plan.

I will definitely keep you updated. I obviously won't be able to give personal details, but I will certainly keep posting. I gave all the details I gave here. It was shit to write it all down again, but I have done it and I hope it makes something happen.

I really appreciate the support you have given me in doing this.

DumSpiro, hello :)
I agree that the family outreach service is excellent, I helped to put the criteria for referral together and this kind of case should go straight to SS. Not to say that it always does, though- and you are quite right in saying that the FOWs would make sure it ended up with the right service in the end. But it's the 'in the end' thing that bothers me about this family, because it sounds like they need immediate support and intervention before things get worse.

OP- you have done the right thing. Calling SS, and forwarding them a copy of what you sent to the NSPCC would ensure that it is picked up at the earliest opportunity tomorrow, giving the professionals time to look things over and decide on the best course of action.
On behalf of that little girl: thankyou.

i would give her an ultimatum.Unless she does something about it-and quick.You will be left with no option but to call.I am usually the last MNer to advocate calling SS but in this case I think it is justified.
Piles of washing, unhoovered floors I could turn a blind eye to, but this is something else. I can't understand how anyone would be so unconcerned about their personal hygiene unless they were on drugs or mentally ill.
YANBU

No need for any ultimatums here, just call. I'm glad their DD is safely with another friend at the moment but how horrific to have to give her back :(

FWIW I had PND and was suicidal at one point. DS was still washed, in a clean nappy with clean clothes, cuddled and played with. Whatever the cause, neglect of such basic child care is never acceptable.

This is terrible :( Like other posters have said make sure to te ss about the other concerns you have ike the lack of cuddles.

Ignore the idiots op, its really difficult to be in this situation and asking for a bit of moral support is fine. I would definately follow up your email as i dont know how robust their email system is, to ensure the info has been received and actioned. I hope things work out okay, whatever happens you have done the right thing. What happens now is not your responsibility or down to your actions so don't beat yourself up about it.

I can completely see why you wouldn't have already phoned them, it's a huge thing to do and takes careful consideration, I would only do it if I had tried to help first, like you have. I think you've done the right thing, but I do think it sounds as though this family needs help, so ringing i now the best option. You've done your best, don't feel guilty, the family will hopefully now get the help that they need! x

Here's is an alternative. My friend, she too was worried about a child but did not wish to phone Children's services for various reasons. So instead, she recounted all her concerns to her health visitor.

Her health visitor dealt with the information and the situation. Children's Services were eventually involved with the family but the children are still with the parents, last I knew of it anyway.

Phone your health visitor. Even if your friend has a different health visitor, your health visitor can help her as well.

Don't talk to health visitor, their hands are legally bound about hearsay or second hand information. Best to call directly to ss

I hear the words 'eventually' or 'in the end' a lot.
If you know that a child is at risk of harm, abuse or neglect please go straight to SS.