to consider speaking to social services, due to concerns for a friend and her DD?

[reallydontknowwhattodo]

I sound totally shit just from the title of this, I know. I don't feel good about even considering it, but I have genuine and serious concerns for the wellbeing of the one-year-old DD of a friend.

First of all, I want to make clear that I have tried everything I consider to be within my power to help this situation myself. I have spent God only knows how many hours trying to cajole my friend into getting help and changing things for her DD, but nothing works. Nothing ever changes for more than a day or so.

She, her DD, and her DD's father live in a house that is (to put it nicely) a great big shithole. The place is absolutely caked in dirt and animal waste, and is rarely, if at all, cleaned. I have tried in the past to clean it myself, but it needs a specialist in there and despite encouragement from several people to hire someone, they never have. This is not a money issue, they could afford to have a proper clean done.

Both mum and dad have terrible personal hygiene. They don't seem at all bothered by this, and my friend seemed to find it amusing that she had worn the same pair of jeans for four months without washing them. They reeked. The DD is always in dirty clothes, always smells bad and is left in dirty nappies way longer than she should be.

I'm afraid to say though, the above is the tip of the iceberg. The DD is rarely cuddled, her dad has very little to do with the care of her, so my friend is for all intents and purposes a single mum, and she has little patience with her DD. She snaps at her, swears at her, and will leave her crying for a long time. She has very irregular mealtimes, and is fed a poor diet. My friend regularly has outbursts relating to threatening suicide and although I don't believe she would ever actually do it, I worry about the mind of someone who would actually threaten this anyway.

I know the above sounds horrible and I feel awful and bad myself that I can't figure out how to help my friend without the assistance of SS, but I'm scared that if I don't, the LO will continue to live how she has for her first year. My friend does not see a HV, and there is no family who are suitable to help them (or in fact to approach about this), as they are either very far away or in the case of the paternal GPs, elderly and disabled (in a way that makes CC impossible).

So AIBU to actually approach SS now? I don't know what else to do.

Yes, it's been ongoing for months. When the baby was first born, they really made an effort with her, it's been a number of months that I've noticed things go really downhill though.

The thing that sparked this now was a mutual friend saying to me something she had noticed about the state the DD was in when she saw her. Very dirty, clearly had not been bathed, etc.

She won't necessary lose her child, depending on the situaition they may take her on a temp basis, but they will offer support and guidance. If mum s willfully negecting her dd, she may just need help and support. You would be amazed how many people don't know how to look ater their children, purely because no one has ever told them.

Or it could be that (and tbh sounds like) mum has mental health issues. therefore she needs help, and this is one way to help them all.

Hard to say on the PND issue. It's possible. She has had some mental health issues in the past (never medicated, but had counselling for depression). They lived like this way before the baby was born.

Oh my god why have you let this go on for so long?! That poor little girl. Get them help - get that poor little mite some help - immediately

What are you waiting for?!

Please keep us updated

This is so distressing to hear

Grim. You've done all you can. I think your conscience is telling you what to do next, don't wait for an emergency to happen because someone will turn to you and say 'you must have known what was happening, why didn't you do something?'
Don't wait.

you could ring now,

the thing is, one day it may be too late.

You know what you need to do op. I suppose it's just useful to have other people support you in those actions.

How has your help been received in the past? Do things get better for a while and then deteriorate again?

you can talk this through anonymously if you'd like with the nspcc helpline 0808 800 5000... please do something.

YANBU, ring them.

I seriously doubt your friend would have her DD taken away from what you've said here, at least not straight away. She will be offered support and a chance to turn things round, which it sounds like she needs TBH.

There is no threat to the baby tonight, she is staying with the mutual friend of ours.

When you speak to SS you can honestly say that things were better when she was first born, they then went downhill and it appears now that it isn't a blip, a bad few weeks, it's become the norm for her hence you are now ringing.

Please phone, the younger the emotional neglect in some ways the worse the long term damage

I am going to email the NSPCC. I think it would be difficult to get all this out over this phone.

Don't feel that you have to be judge and jury- if the child is removed from her parents, that won't be your decision.

All you are doing is alerting trained professionals to the situation, and letting them make the decisions.

There is no 'other side' of the argument. I cannot see one reason why you shouldn't call them.

Good luck.

Make that call.

Let the assessment team do their jobs. Its the best thing you could do for your friend. hopefully she will get all the help and support she needs. If she doesn't take it then it will be her that's made her lose her daughter- not your phone call.

Actually, on thinking this through you should phone EDT (Emergency Team) now.

From what you tell us, the child is likely to be lying in a filthy cot, in a dirty nappy, in a room/house caked in dirt and animal waste tonight

She may or may not have been fed before going to bed tonight. She may or may not be dressed appropriately for bed tonight

If she cries with hunger or fear or any other reason her father will ignore her tonight

Her mother may just snap and swear at her, or rant about feeling suicidal herself.

Both parents will just leave her crying for long periods.

This is what you have told us in your op. It hasn't become an emergency from what I can see, but as professional help hasn't been sought before, imo you can't leave it any longer.

Does she stay with your mutual friend often?

Oh just seen your post about the child being with a mutal friend tonight.

I would hate to be the friend who has to return the child tomorrow.

Me too onepiece.

YWBU not to contact SS IMO.

What does your mutual friend think? Surely he/she has concerns and like you may be thinking a ss referral is needed?

She stays with me sometimes (I have two DC myself, one younger and one older than my friend's DD), the mutual friend will have her occasionally, but she travels for work a lot and is not often around.

Mutual friend has said she believes the DD will be in care before her next birthday. I don't know if she has thought about reporting her herself though.

Should've mentioned this before, but there has been a report to SS before, I don't know where it came from, but nothing came of it. There was no referral for extra help. I think this was about six months ago though.

You know you need to contact someone immediately.

well if things have got worse in those 6 months then you need to ring SS and tell them that.

Be brave.

feel so sad for the little girl.