to consider speaking to social services, due to concerns for a friend and her DD?

[reallydontknowwhattodo]

I sound totally shit just from the title of this, I know. I don't feel good about even considering it, but I have genuine and serious concerns for the wellbeing of the one-year-old DD of a friend.

First of all, I want to make clear that I have tried everything I consider to be within my power to help this situation myself. I have spent God only knows how many hours trying to cajole my friend into getting help and changing things for her DD, but nothing works. Nothing ever changes for more than a day or so.

She, her DD, and her DD's father live in a house that is (to put it nicely) a great big shithole. The place is absolutely caked in dirt and animal waste, and is rarely, if at all, cleaned. I have tried in the past to clean it myself, but it needs a specialist in there and despite encouragement from several people to hire someone, they never have. This is not a money issue, they could afford to have a proper clean done.

Both mum and dad have terrible personal hygiene. They don't seem at all bothered by this, and my friend seemed to find it amusing that she had worn the same pair of jeans for four months without washing them. They reeked. The DD is always in dirty clothes, always smells bad and is left in dirty nappies way longer than she should be.

I'm afraid to say though, the above is the tip of the iceberg. The DD is rarely cuddled, her dad has very little to do with the care of her, so my friend is for all intents and purposes a single mum, and she has little patience with her DD. She snaps at her, swears at her, and will leave her crying for a long time. She has very irregular mealtimes, and is fed a poor diet. My friend regularly has outbursts relating to threatening suicide and although I don't believe she would ever actually do it, I worry about the mind of someone who would actually threaten this anyway.

I know the above sounds horrible and I feel awful and bad myself that I can't figure out how to help my friend without the assistance of SS, but I'm scared that if I don't, the LO will continue to live how she has for her first year. My friend does not see a HV, and there is no family who are suitable to help them (or in fact to approach about this), as they are either very far away or in the case of the paternal GPs, elderly and disabled (in a way that makes CC impossible).

So AIBU to actually approach SS now? I don't know what else to do.

Marianne, if I didn't need to ask, I wouldn't have asked. I wish this wasn't genuine, but it is. I am a regular poster here, I have my own children, I would not make this up.

I think it's difficult to understand what it's like to be in this position until you're in it. Luckily, a lot of very lovely people on this thread are able to get it.

I asked for opinions, and I know that I was right to do so. Sometimes, you need an outside perspective on something like this. It can be very difficult to see things clearly when you are so close.

This is not a money issue, they could afford to have a proper clean done.

I also find this very strange. So who are these moneyed people who cannot possibly go to work if they wear the same stinking jeans for four months ?

You've made some wrong assumptions there, Marianne. They are not "moneyed people", they can just afford a deep clean. That doesn't require as much money as you think.

The dad works, the mum doesn't. He works in a job where it matters very little what he dresses like.

HTH.

Thankyou- I would appreciate that.
In the meantime, if you need any help or advice, I work within a CP team so get in touch if you want to.

Of course I have understood what you have written. It is quite obvious you've been trying to help, it's really admirable, but it's not enough, as you say.

I certainly would never ever put loyalty for a friend who is obviously struggling with her own issues if her house is in the state you describe, over the needs of her child.

When a country doesn't have the support for vulnerable families then there is no choice for the poor child. But we live in a country where there are many charities and agencies to help them.

Shame on you for knowing about it but doing nothing...yet. SHAME.

Poor poor child. I cannot believe your conscience has taken so long to kick in, but thank goodness you know you have to do something. Which makes me really upset now for other possible mumsnetters out there who know of long term child neglect and have yet to do anything about it.

This is the most horrifying post I have ever read.

I had a case like this year back when I worked for SS. It was three days before Xmas and it landed on my desk I had to struggle to get another person to come out with me as everyone tying up cases before the break. I knew I had to go and very glad I did. There is no way those children should have been living like that and clearly other people knew and did nothing
I'm glad to say that those little ones were later adopted together but it's one case that stays with me years later

You must call SS, or if you plan to email nspcc make sure the families information is on there.
Good luck and please do the right thing

marianneM - What are you trying to say?

Some people who don't work have money, inheritance for a start.

or they may well work, I bet there are loads of threads on here saying how can I tell my collegue that she stinks.

I worke with someone with mh issues that stunk, I had to tell her that she could only come to work the next day if she had a bath. If I hadn't she wouldn't off, no one else told her

Once again, very unhelpful jug. Well done for being whiter than white and not even attempting to understand how fucking hard this is.

I feel no shame for attempting to help my friend and her DD myself, none at all. I also feel no shame for soliciting the opinions of others when I have realised I can't make this better myself. And thanks to virtually everyone on this thread, I will now not feel shameful when I report my friend to social services.

Most of us would try to help our friends before we called ss, I know I would. but as you say you have exhasted this now, and there is nothing more you can do other than contact ss

Exactly, griphook. My instinct was to get involved myself and try to make things better. Sometimes there is a lightbulb moment when you realise that's not going to happen, no matter how hard you try.

On most MN threads where the OP asks about calling SS, everyone suggests they get involved, try to help themselves first.

The OP has done this. It's got to the point where she can't improve the situation herself so she's now seeking outside help.

You are going to get help for a family badly in need of it, thank goodness for that.

RandomMess Sat 24-Sep-11 22:18:33

When you speak to SS you can honestly say that things were better when she was first born, they then went downhill and it appears now that it isn't a blip, a bad few weeks, it's become the norm for her hence you are now ringing.

also mention that you have tried to help, but realise that the family now need more help than you o yourr friends can give.

now would be a verry good time to ring as nights are getting colder and god knows whether the child is dressed properly, in addition to all the other stuff going on. also as the child grows they will be at more risk as they become more mobile.

sometimes people really do know what they should do but need to talk it over with someone first to check they are right. it can feel like a drastic step referring to social services and you need to get it straight in you head, particularly as people are often told to mind their own business.

Of course report this; don't wait any longer.

ok as my name suggests i am a foster carer so i feel qualified to give advice (you may disagree)
first rule of thumb.....if you even think about the need to bring in ss, then you should bring in ss.
any niggling concerns in your head....ring ss.
look at it this way, if something happens to that LO you will feel absolutely terrible, trust me i know. ss will come round and do a welfare check. if they fail this the baby will be removed and placed on an emergancy care order.
it seems to me from what you have written, that the baby should be removed.
as for the hv never being involved in her life is shocking. fair enough for her to not take baby to the hv but why isnt the hv visiting at home?
that is very very strange indeed!
so first thing tomorrow get the number for your local emergancy team (can be found on your local council website, type fostering in the search bar) it will say emergancy duty team. tell them your concerns, they will say ring the police, thats when you argue and lie say you already have and they have told you to ring them as it is an ongoing concern.
also while you have to give ss your name you can inform them that you do not want your friend to know it was you that reported her and they have to respect your wishes by law. hey will need a few details such as the address, the childs name and dob etc and the mothers name.
hope i have helped x

Why should the OP lie and say she has rung the police?
Won't they check anyway?

Sorry, Fostermummy but I disagree.
First and foremost, you should contact your child protection duty team. Don't go through the fostering team as some local authorities do not have this linked to their duty desk therefore you could end up going all around the houses.
If you search, 'safeguarding' or 'child protection' on your local authority website, the correct number will come up.
I would not lie and say you have spoken to the police. They will know if you haven't and are therefore less likely to take you seriously.

Alternatively, you could call the Police non-emergency number and they will put you through.

Or, send me a message with the name of your local authority and I will look the number up through my work database, but I completely understand if you'd rather not do that!

While I completely and wholeheartedly accept that there is neglect, it is not willful neglect, ie they are not doing it because they are actively trying to mistreat the DD.

It's very hard to feel this way about someone I consider a friend.

Based on those statements - have you got a Surestart Centre anywhere near you? Might be worth going down the family outreach route first. They can provide practical and emotional support, parenting courses etc and refer to any other bodies i.e. social services if necessary

This sounds beyond the threshold for family outreach to me, I would go straight to SS. They may well do an initial assessment and propose a mixture of family outreach and health visiting support, but they are the best people to be coordinating that work.
In the area I work in, our Sure Start teams wouldn't touch this until it had been through a SS assessment.
Things vary from area to area but (in theory ) SS assessments should remain universally the same.

Dum, tbh this sounds beyond a bit of surestart help.

Just up with 18month dd (teething). Sorry you have had a couple of negative posts. Time and time again on here people advise helping friends out before calling SS which is what you have done.

Good luck and please keep us updated. Dd had done a poo sometime in the night and so as well as having a sore mouth she had a sore bum and was so upset. She has had clean nappy, cuddles from me, cuddles from dh, calpol, milk and is finally asleep in my arms. The thought of this baby in a similar state with no attention really upsets me.

Doing this for her is probably the kindest thing she has ever had.

OP just wanted to add that with my experience of working with ss often, the earlier an intervention occurs the better the outcome is likely to be - for the child and the family. It is much harder to turn things in the right direction once the child is older. You may have to be persistent with SS though.

How did you get on op? Have NSPCC acknowledged your email?

I think you feeling bad about calling them is odd. I'd be feeling bad about not yet having called them. Call them urgently.

Don't e mail call SS fgs! They can ignore or forget e mails but not phone calls.