AIBU to be thoroughly pissed off by DH's 'stupidity'?

[luciadilammermoor]

Set the scene: this is the man who loses wallets, keys, passports (3 to date), forgets parts of his suits in hotels, leaves washbags behind when going on holiday etc etc etc. I am fed up of reminding him so have stopped = even more disasters.

He's taken the DC to their Saturday club this morning: after an hour, he phones me this morning to ask me for the car breakdown contact details because he's put unleaded petrol in our diesel car, which now won't start.

While none of this affects me (yet...I may have to go and pick them all up, but they could get the train home...), AIBU to react with a huge sigh and to be utterly fucked off with him that he can't seem to remember a quarter of the things I have to in daily life?

This could be bloody expensive to fix and his reaction is just 'I'll deal with it, stop getting cross, don't criticise me' and to hang up on me. I do lose respect for him when he does this.

Go on, don't hold back, AIBU on this?

Hi OP, it may be worth looking up Adult ADD (Adult Attention Defecit Disorder) on the net. Symptoms like being disorganised, restless, forgetting things, and many other symptoms are presented in this disorder. I got quite an education when I looked it up myself ...

This happened to us recently...dh is normally very organised, but busy and stressed, filled up my diesel car with petrol (his is a petrol one) and drove off.

It cost less than £200 to be towed away, tank drained and new fuel filter fitter. He is still claiming it actually improved the performance of the car

new fuel filter fitted.

he sounds just like my DS....yanbu to get cross
yabu to expect him to change. he wont. he obviously isnt doing this on purpose.

just to add -so far this year DS has lost 2 laptop chargers by leaving them at uni
one mobile phone charger
one driving licence
one passport
several sets of keys
several bank cards
countless clothes left in various places (socks disappear within weeks)
he has left the iron on and gone out
He always leaves his window open, this is one i do get cross about as its an almost daily occurrance
(i dont let him use the cooker when im out)
money (900 - yes 900 dollars on a trip to america)
this is all just off the top of my head. there will be more.

im not sure if its the dyspraxia or the AS that causes this....all his friends are as bad and they all have the same conditions

he is a very good computer programmer though, with high IQ, he is disarming and warm and friendly, he gives me lots of hugs, which is a good job really, considering....

could you DH be either dyspraxic or on the autistic spectrum op?

My DH is utterly useless like this. Drives me absolutely fucking demented, frankly.

If we have to leave the house at (say) 3pm, at 3.15 he will be faffing around looking for all the things he has mislaid, with me silently screaming with frustration. We get into the car and half a mile down the road, he'll demand we turn around to go back because he's forgotten his wallet ...

He has filled my car with petrol when it is a diesel car. That was an expensive idiocy. Why he did this to my car and not his, I do not know. I did not enjoy driving the hire car around while they cleaned out the engine on my car.

Ditto the car crash thing. He crashes his car at least once a year. He drives his flipping car into the bikes in the garage. The garage is massive. there really is no excuse. I've averted numerous accidents by shouting 'BREAK' at relevant times.

He is the clumsiest man in christendom. I have lost count of the glasses/plates/ornaments broken. He even managed to break a side table. Drawers he breaks as well. Even a door on one occasion.

One of the most irritating things he does is forget to tell people about changes in arrangements. So many times, he turns up to collect the children if a case finishes early only to find X person there, as agreed, to collect the DCs.

He is an intelligent man, a solicitor, but completely and utterly useless. I actually think it might be early-onset Alzheimers. It's endemic in his family. No-one normal could be this scatty, surely?

Chairs he breaks as well. Rather than using his muscles to sit down, he sort of hovers over the chair and flops down. Given that he is 6' 5" and not slim, this can have a horrible impact on chairs that aren't very robust. I think he has broken at least half a dozen chairs.

Which is nothing to the number of coats he has lost. Every year, at least two. A bad year can see three coats go west.

Well clearly you being angry and loosing respect for him hasn't worked. You don't put yourself out or help him when he messes up, so why create an atmosphere?

DodieSmith

Probably because the OP has had 17+ years of this, worsening over time and has had enough of being his mother!

I am kind of like your dh. I get in a fog, I forget a lot of things, on a daily basis, sometimes can't get the word I am thinking of. I have seen 2 neurologists for this problem, but do not have an answer other than it is probably because of my seizure disorder. It is embarrassing, I am always apologizing to friends for not remembering things they have told me. I feel really stupid, and sometimes, I really hate myself and feel like a useless burden. Not that anyone ever has said anything to make me feel that way,(only my dh knows I get down on myself) but it is frustrating.

The only things that help me are check lists and notes stuck everywhere. I have a lot of reminders e-mailed via my e-mail events. I don't drive, I would be a danger on the road.

Does he get headaches? Has he ever mentioned this to his doctor?

Ok, just read more of your posts in this thread, your husband really ought to tell his doctor about these things. His memory sounds worse than mine. At least I can run the household and cook, (even if I need a post it note to remind me)build and run web sites, do projects, even if I am bumbling around forgetting to make appointments and run errands and details about other peoples work and families, and say the wrong words at times. I recognize the need to take notes of important stuff. He needs to treat his life the same as his work, which you say he is great with.

He needs to really concentrate on focusing on what others are saying to him, what he is doing, and to write himself check lists.
How did he burn the dinner? Did he get doing something else and forgeot to tend to it?

That's the key to it, isn't it, iscream? Helping yourself so you don't have an adverse effect on others.
The vast majority of jobs need an element of prioritising and organisation, so even though we don't know exactly what your DH's job is, OP, I would be so frustrated that he can manage at work but not at home.

Quattro, you need some sort of award for not using one of those broken chair legs to bludgeon your DH to death.

This is me, although I try my best, I invariably bugger it all up .

My DP gets exsaperated/irritated/furious with me (he used to be amused but we are 11 years in ) so I try my hardest to be sensible and organised and together but that seems to make me worse. (strangely I am not like this at work which makes it more difficult for him to get his head round).

I sometimes just wish he would let me deal with my fuck ups, accept that this is just how I am and it isn't because I don't care or don't try and focus on my good points.

He was fed up today because we had the baby in the car seat when I realised I had lost my car keys - after 30 minutes, a seriously pissed off DD and late for my mums birthday, I found them in the shoe cupboard

Go easy on your DH

Quattro, he sounds very dyspraxic?

My self-esteem has just plummeted while reading this thread. I do lots of these things on a regular basis. Not the wrong fuel in the car (yet), but the losing things, and forgetting things, leaving the car/house unlocked, keys in the front door, etc. It's always happened, but it got 10X worse when we had kids (now 2yo and 4yo).

It's like I have a constant list of things that I'm working through from the moment I wake up in the morning:
*find glasses
*go downstairs
*find girls slippers
*fire on
*Kettle on
*feed cat
*make banana milkshake

and so on, throughout the entire day. But invariably something will happen (one of the kids hurts themselves, etc) and I have to stop following the list and then I can't remember WTF I was doing.

It drives my husband nuts and it makes me feel awful because obviously I don't intend to do it and I know I can't change it.

I find myself getting angry when it happens, not at myself, but at his inevitable reaction. Like somehow moaning at me about it is going to magically find the keys or prevent me losing them again, when really all I need is for everybody to shut up and leave me alone so I can re-trace my steps and find the damn things. I'm perfectly happy to deal with the consequences myself, I just need to be left to get on with it. But instead he has a go at me and I find myself diverted, yet again, and focusing my attention on answering his objections and can't think straight enough to actually look for the things. My brain hurts all the time.

I'm ok when I'm at work because then I'm just me, thinking about the job. And I was fine when I was single and lived alone because I just followed each process through to it's natural conclusion without interruption and everything was organized and tidy. (And like so many others a graduate at the top of my class) So when he's having a go about how my forgetfullness and disorganization is screwing up his life, I'm thinking that I wouldn't be forgetting as much stuff if I was still single.

By the end of the day my brain is so tired of juggling that I stick my nose in a book or a computer screen just to cope. And then he gets mad that I'm focused on the computer instead of being "present"

My only hope is that as the girls get older they will require less of my constant mental space, so I can actually follow some of my tasks through to their natural finish.

X post with areallytiredwoman. (sorry mine was so long!)

My Ex-P was like this. After 12 years, it got so wearing that I had lost every OUNCE of respect for him. Especially as, 8 years ago, I was diagnosed with epilepsy, and have memory problems caused by it. I have HAD to find ways around it - a daily diary, a calendar, notes on my phone, paper lists etc. (when it's working, which it isn't right now...)

I have HAD to find ways around my memory problems, he never even bothered to TRY. Which, in the end, was just too much for me, given my OWN memory problems, to carry on having to remember everything for him as WELL AS everything for myself AND our 4 dc.

How did I change things? Note the EX in Ex-P. I just couldn't COPE with his ineptitude and his total refusal to do anything about it, or take personal responsibility for it. If I had to with my own memory problems, then why in God's name shouldn't HE? HE is REALLY suffering now he is living alone, as he is forgetting to pay bills on time etc, can never find anything, and even forgets when he is meant to be having access to the dc on occasions. Thank fuck it is no longer MY problem.

Oh - and I've found my OWN day-to-day life so much easier and less stressful since I no longer have to feel the effects of his memory problems.

And what is with the defensiveness, and anger at your partner when they get frustrated with you? When I forget things, I expect people to be frustrated with me, it IS frustrating. I just change my coping mechanisms if they aren't working, and find a new way to help me to remember things. I would NOT get angry and shouty with a partner if they were frustrated with me. No, their anger isn't going to improve the situation for the 'forgetter', but FFS, the person suffering because of the forgetfulness IS ALLOWED TO HAVE FEELINGS AND EXPRESS THEM! It is extremely controlling of the 'forgetter' to deny their partners expressions of feelings about the situation by getting angry. And that stands whether the 'forgetter' is Male or Female.

I mean my PHONE isn't working right now, not my system for remembering things!

I have enjoyed and suffered in equal measure reading your responses, but they all cheered me up. Thanks!

I do feel down about it all, just last week he damaged an expensive piece of my work training kit because he couldn't be arsed to move it somewhere safe while he moved some furniture. He then blamed me for leaving it (down the back of said furniture) in a place where it might get damaged - that particular stupid argument did not last long (soon saw to that), but I was pissed off with him that he tried to use it, let alone the damage. His response 'buy a new one & stop moaning'.

See I think it's about not wanting to take responsibility for himself (Quattro we have exactly the same situation with wallets, keys, phones...) & a little bit of 'she's nagging, therefore she's wrong, so I can ignore the actual problem', it's almost as if he's having a midlife crisis. His response to most of this: burning supper for instance, is either 'well you do it then' (no thanks, have cooked all week:your turn) or 'if I had a choice, I would employ a housekeeper' (hollow laughter, we are NOT rich).

It's as if he's gone back to being a sulky teenager, not wanting to grow up and everything being everyone else's problem plus 'it's so unfair that life makes me have to do this' added in.

I am really struggling with him ATM. I might start a new thread on relationships or something as I'm just moaning now. Cathartic though.

go half way down the page to "learning, thought and memory" and read...then look at the rest and see if it rings any bells

Ahh, OP you've highlighted a key point there-- He damaged your work stuff and then tried to blame you? That's just thoughtless and mean. However distracted and careless I may be with my own possessions, I won't lose someone else's, because they have a kind of mental highlighter and a sense of urgency attached to them. (although I may lose three of my own things while looking after theirs, because I'm focusing on theirs)

Same with burning dinner--I may burn my own, but not a "family dinner" because it's not just mine. So my kids may trash the house while I'm cooking it because I will focus when it comes to doing something for them.

So yes OP, I would agree that he's being thoughtless and not taking responsibility. Not nice. :(

Hmm, yeah he does sound a bit of an arse after all...will work on making sure I never get that annoying! It was interesting talking to my dh who just doesn't find me irritating apart from for a minute whilst the lost thing is lost etc. We are in a happy place with each other generally...I think if we weren't he would be driven demented. I have broken and lost sone of his things, usually whilst involved in an attempt to but the precious thing somewhere safer etc. I am always honest and very very apologetic.

You can't put diesel in petrol cars due to the nozzel design but you can put petrol in a diesel car. I know, from bitter experience. Is he distracted by other worries?

OP and everyone who has had problems with petrol in diesel cars (or thinks they might do in future) - you need one of THESE

We got one because we went from 2 petrol cars to one of each and we swap around regularly, so there was obviously a high risk of confusion! It makes it impossible to put petrol in by mistake, as you need a diesel nozzle to get the cap off. (I don't think you can do it the other way round, as diesel nozzles are bigger so wouldn't fit into a petrol car).

FWIW I would be infuriated with him too, and think you do need to talk more about how it makes you feel. Maybe you can ask him how he would feel if a stranger had (repeatedly) wrecked his car/broken his stuff/stolen his passport (and not even apologised), and try and get him to understand you feel the same sort of anger?