AIBU to be thoroughly pissed off by DH's 'stupidity'?

[luciadilammermoor]

Set the scene: this is the man who loses wallets, keys, passports (3 to date), forgets parts of his suits in hotels, leaves washbags behind when going on holiday etc etc etc. I am fed up of reminding him so have stopped = even more disasters.

He's taken the DC to their Saturday club this morning: after an hour, he phones me this morning to ask me for the car breakdown contact details because he's put unleaded petrol in our diesel car, which now won't start.

While none of this affects me (yet...I may have to go and pick them all up, but they could get the train home...), AIBU to react with a huge sigh and to be utterly fucked off with him that he can't seem to remember a quarter of the things I have to in daily life?

This could be bloody expensive to fix and his reaction is just 'I'll deal with it, stop getting cross, don't criticise me' and to hang up on me. I do lose respect for him when he does this.

Go on, don't hold back, AIBU on this?

Well you're never going to re-train anyone who is absent minded and lacks common sense. They just dont see the world the way we do.

However you must have known what he was like when you married him!

I think you are entitled to get upset and angry, but I doubt whether anything you say or do will make a difference.

Some men are just useless, and you have to accept it.

is he actually 'stupid' or highly intellignet with no common sense?

Well, clearly not THAT intelligent if he's filling up a diesel car with petrol and leaving half he belongings everywhere

OP I would be hopping up and down by now!

If it´s getting/got worse-is he ill?

What I don't like is the whole 'you're not allowed to be cross at me, this may be stupid and potentially expensive (using money we could use four times over on other things) but I don't want to hear that you're angry with me'.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

I have a friend like this. He is one of the cleverest people I know, got a 1:1 in an incredibly difficult subject, is very well-respected in his field, has a brain the size of a planet that retains whole volumes of historical facts and information relevant to his job. But will put the glasses the wrong way up in the dishwasher, lose his keys 3 minutes after walking in the front door, sometimes not even be sure where in the house his daughter is (she's 3!). I think it just proves that there is a finite amount of space in our brains, and some people don't leave enough space in there to retain the truly useful stuff that most of us use to exist day-to-day.

So the only solution I can offer is get him hypnotised and have some of the other stuff deleted! (If this service isn't already available, it should be.)

He has got worse over time, we've been married 12+ years so I'm struggling to remember how bad this was way back then. I don't think it was particularly an issue.

As life has become more complicated over time (work, responsibilities, children), he has become quite bad at this. It's genuinely as if he can't cope with more than one thought at once. but he also can't cope with remembering to prioritise the thoughts and concentrate on the job in hand either.

My BIL was just like that. To everyone else he was the amiable buffoon, bobbling along from one absent-minded disaster to the next. Had us in stiches a lot of the time, but his poor DW didn't see it the same way. She did her best but got fed up being the responsible one while he swanned through life (also claiming to be 'intelligent') leaving her to clean up the mess behind him. I think the day he took the kids for a country walk and they ended up being brought home by Mountain Rescue was the last straw. They divorced.

YANBU. Over time it must be very frustrating and at times I bet you feel more like his mother than his partner, constantly reminding him about things.

Would investigate whether you can put coping strategies into place in order to help him.

Are we married to the same man?

My DH is utterly usesless in looking after things. Leaves things everywhere. Loses his wallet/phone/keys at LEAST once a week.

I find it so upsetting I have actually considered whether I want to be married to him at times

Now we have small children he leaves bottles/cups/bibs/wipes everywhere. I have to replace things all the time.

He actually has a responsible job which he seems to excel at but I have no idea how.

Stupid asshole.

I am feeling twitchy just reading it.

YANBU at all to be pissed off by this behaviour.

You're not allowed to be angry with him because he didn't do it on purpose, but what is he doing to try to do better? If he's making no effort to be a competent adult then you are allowed to be angry because he's doing nothing to try to prevent this kind of thing from happening.

It should be up to him to work out some coping strategies - he can't just expect his wife to fix everything for him!

Sit down with him and get him to sort out some systems for remembering things - laminated cards, signs up around the house, visual reminders etc.

Yup, I used to remind him a lot but now (well, 95% of the time) I don't, I just let him pick up the pieces and ignore the cross reactions (at himself, not us).

Have enough reminding to do with 3 DC!

Ilovedaintynuts Yup, based on your description, they would have a great deal in common. I also agree that it has made me think about the marriage longterm. Not great is it?

YANBU to be pissed off and eye rolling about these things, but there are things he can do to get better!

(and note: not things you can do to get him better!)

Because I am naturally very disorganised, I have learnt to be extremely organised, iyswim? DH can manage 5,000 differen bank accounts, never loses things, etc without lists and coping strategies.

I have had to develop them (er, it didn't take me to be in my 30s, though! ). So I have a system of counting what is in my hands before I go out (1. handbag, 2. dry cleaning, 3. birthday present). Before i sand up/get off the tube/leave the restaurant, I count my 3 things.

God I read that back and I sound that a total numbskull!!! Obviously no-one knows I do this, it is in y head!

I also don't know how hard it is to write a list? Before I even think about packing (we travel a lot - relatives houses, hotels, etc), I write list going through each day and event. And when I pack it, I tick it off the list. Not time consuming, or indeed rocket science.

Before we leave a hotel,you check every drawer, wardrobe, under the bed. I am sure most people do this anyway? But ost people cando this 'in their head' whereas I have to be a little more focused on it.

It's instinctive now, so it does work.

until we are both pissed and can lose the shoes I am actually wearing

But I do think it's a bit mean to be very critical about him - you can be understanding without making him feel like shit, or pandering to him. He probably feels like shit himself anyway. What about when he comes home, you laugh and say 'you asshole!' and let him tell you how it will be sortedout. Then you can say 'Right - come on, it's not fun to have to deal with this but it's not the end of the world. What about you have a system? Blah blah'

How does he react when you mess up? Would be interesting to know?

Despite mammoth post I failed to say that this is MY problem though, and my responsibility to sort out (which I did years ago)

YANBU, he sounds like my dad who has done the petrol/diesel thing at least 3 times to my knowledge (how is it even possible?).

My dad is very very intelligent but has no common sense and is just generally very clumsy and careless about things. He's also left 2 satnavs on display in the car which have resulted in break-ins, and kissed goodbye to several mobiles due to water damage. I pity my mum because it must be like living with a teenager and yet she just accepts it now as her 'lot'. He also reacts exactly like your DH - she is not allowed to criticise him or recall the incidents during an argument (but he is allowed to have a go at her for the most minor misdemeanour). She has no respect for him either, and my brother and I struggle.

I don't think there's anything you can do now to retrain him other than let him clear up his own mistakes which it sounds like you are doing anyway. I'd be so angry with myself if I did this sort of thing, but some people are just programmed differently.

Tante Mess up? me?

Honestly, it's rare but of course I do, because everyone does once in a while.

He isn't especially helpful or practical when I mess up (see above) so I tend to sort it out myself. Last time I did it was entering the wrong details in the GPS system, taking us to the wrong destination on holiday in France, we were 30km 'wrong'. He was understanding, not cross but wasn't very helpful in putting us right (me who phoned the other place and got their postcode/address details). So, little impact on him, other than another 30 mins drive...

In typing this I realise I don't rely on him because I don't think he is particularly capable.

He's a lovely man though, this is just part of him. Hmmm

This could be me. I have too numerous events that have been caused by my inability to remember simple stuff, I too have an extremely specialised career that means I'm highly organised and meant to be extremely clever! But my kids and partner take the pan out of me regularly and my partner gives me a lot of grief when it happens, this basically makes me think more about what I'm doing, I put my keys In one place now, keep my documents in one place, mutter diesel, diesel, diesel at the petrol station, everything I can do to minimise the stupid stuff!!! So give him a hard time, it is possible to retrain people, it works on me!!

I have this model too. Things we do to help. Have one place where the keys/wallet live and stick to it religiously. I always carry the passports, money etc while on holiday. When packing I make him write a list of what went in then he ticks off against it when we pack up to come home.
He has never put the wrong fuel in the car, but that's probably because he has only ever had diesels so wouldnt forget which car he is driving and put the wrong thing in.

YANBU to be pissed off, I would be too.

And you're already leaving him to deal with the messes he's creating - good.

But I do think HE IBU to deny you the space to be angry about it - yes he knows he's fucked up again and no he doesn't need to be told that he's done it again - but you need to let it out. It's too childish to say "you're not allowed to be angry" - of course you're entitled to be angry! He just has to accept that you will be, let you get it out, then apologise and both of you move on (until the next time, which you know there will be).

A useful point - when talking to him, always phrase things in the positive. Always say things like "Remember to do x...". Using the alternative, "Don't forget", is setting him up to fail because the brain will focus on the activity word first (Forget) before it works out not to do it.

My dh is the same, very disorganised, no memory for dates, events, regularly forgets things he needs, can't pass messages on etc... He's dyslexic too which is also part of it.

I too get extremely pissed off and frustrated with him but he gets really upset and defensive if I ever sound off about it. Not great when you have a job, business and two kids to see too.

We've tried strategies together to make my life a little easier as I sometimes get a little resentful that I'm running our lives and it gets tiring but it's who he is, who I married and unfortunately something that I'm never going to change.

I don't rely on DH for most things as he is fairly useless (lacks common sense but immensely intelligent) but it works for us. Doesn't mean you can't be angry with him when he messes up - especially if it's going to cost you a small fortune to fix.

But I'd give up trying to change him if I were you. I used to liaise with DHs secretary to remind him to bring things home from work that he needed. It doesn't even work asking how he'd get on without me - he just does these things but x 10.

However, it helps because he thinks that I am amazing that I don't manage to mess up a lot and can organise children/house when he just couldn't. He adores me for it - hence why it works for us!

Don't stay mad at him for too long, and I hope you manage to get the car fixed without too much hassle.

When we travel together, it's never a problem. But he travels a lot on his own for work and it's then that he loses things.

I made him a list to tape inside his suitcase to do this checking in and back - and he lost it!

helpguide.org/mental/adhd_add_adult_symptoms.htm
Get him to have a look at this.