AIBU to be thoroughly pissed off by DH's 'stupidity'?

[luciadilammermoor]

Set the scene: this is the man who loses wallets, keys, passports (3 to date), forgets parts of his suits in hotels, leaves washbags behind when going on holiday etc etc etc. I am fed up of reminding him so have stopped = even more disasters.

He's taken the DC to their Saturday club this morning: after an hour, he phones me this morning to ask me for the car breakdown contact details because he's put unleaded petrol in our diesel car, which now won't start.

While none of this affects me (yet...I may have to go and pick them all up, but they could get the train home...), AIBU to react with a huge sigh and to be utterly fucked off with him that he can't seem to remember a quarter of the things I have to in daily life?

This could be bloody expensive to fix and his reaction is just 'I'll deal with it, stop getting cross, don't criticise me' and to hang up on me. I do lose respect for him when he does this.

Go on, don't hold back, AIBU on this?

No comment, need to go and find my keys
Not as bad as your DH, but another pretty scatty dyslexic.
My DH is very tolerant, 99% of the time. I feel very guilty that I'm nothing like as patient with DD1 who is terribly like me.

MY DH and DS definitely do not have aspergers. And although neither are good with their hands, they are a long way from dyspraxia.

DH was once quite offended when I called him clumsy. So now I would say he is "careless."

No one is good at everything. We all have to try harder at the things we are less good at. If you are good at most things, but bad at personal organisation, and DON'T acknowledge this and try harder at your personal organisation to make up for it - then you end up like DH and DS, driving your nearest and dearest round the twist.

I think you're being a tad unfair OP, I used to travel a lot for work and was under time pressure and my rate of forgetting things was much higher than normal ( more things to remember x more opportunities to forget them x more time pressure to prevent remembering). I have done the get home exhausted on Fri night, fill car with wrong fuel 1st thing Sat morning thing, and many of my colleagues at the time did the same - it's not that uncommon for very busy people.

What you don't need is someone not under those pressures harping on about what prat you are. I was lucky in that DH also was in a similar position.

You both need to have strategies to minimise risk.

All his traits you've mentioned don't EQUAL Aspergers; I shouldn't have said that, but they might point to Aspergers. Or what I mean is, it's at least worth getting him to do the online tests. I only said it cos it reminded me SO much of my (Aspergic) DH.

Yup could be being unfair etc.

But I work PT, have majority responsibility for childcare duties for 3 DC (oldest is 6, youngest 18mths) and I'm a parttime grad student plus I volunteer locally. I really wouldn't describe myself as 'not busy'. I plan a lot, Imake lists, I remember stuff.

PLus when I was in a similar (but more senior role) I never had a problem either.

IMHO, that's an excuse: if that's happening, more effort needs to be put in by the individual because the damage is greater if you don't. Both in terms of cost (I refer to the £1500+ bill still) and the continued impact on the relationship.

I guess this would change if it was the odd thing which got screwed up - we all do it - it's the constant 'what now?' for incredibly small and normal things which is the killer.

The thing is that if it is all the time then unless it is new it is more likely it is to do with his wiring. Sure he can work on strategies but he isn't likely to change a lot. How much it impacts upon your relationship is up to you too. If my dh was disparaging about my errors I wouldn't respect him and under pressure I would make more not fewer. The tough love some posters suggest only works if it is twattish careless behaviour that doesn't impact on him. If more systematic it is genuinely hard to address. Am quite sure it is unfathomable to the people who rarely make these kinds of mistakes. It takes me a tin if effort to perform some tasks well below the standard of my dhs careless days iuswim.

Ahem...a ton of effort:)

By strategies I mean things like:

• Knowing when you are most likely to make errors (the early Sat morning trip after arriving home exhausted from another country is a classic IME - I'd lay odds OP's DH was in exactly that sort of position with fueling the car.)

• Accepting that things go missing when you are 'plane hopping/hotel hopping - they just do. I can tell you its a lot easier to not lose things being busy at home/work (ie in just 2 places all the time) than doing the same "busy" from planes, hotels etc. At home, well, you left it at home and you pick it up when you return. In another country, another hotel its gone.

• Reminders - sending emails, alerts on diaries etc.

HTH. I think bitching and carping is exactly the wrong approach.

Ah, I was going to mention dyspraxia too. More info here. One particular quote that might be relevant:-
"In addition to the physical impairments, dyspraxia is associated with problems with memory, especially short-term memory.[13][16][17][18][19] This typically results in difficulty remembering instructions, difficulty organizing one's time and remembering deadlines, increased propensity to lose things or problems carrying out tasks which require remembering several steps in sequence (such as cooking.) Whilst most of the general population experience these problems to some extent, they have a much more significant impact on the lives of dyspraxic people.[18] However, many dyspraxics have excellent long-term memories, despite poor short-term memory.[18] Many dyspraxics benefit from working in a structured environment,[20] as repeating the same routine minimises difficulty with time-management and allows them to commit procedures to long-term memory."

To be honest, I am a woman and I am sure that I am mildly dsypraxic. I am a SAHM and therefore am the family "organiser" and so I've had to up my game. There are ways around organisational difficulties. My keys are always in the front pocket of my bag, and my bag is always in the same place. When I get something ready for DD for school, it goes in the special place by the front door in one pile to make it harder to leave behind. As soon as I think about something ("DD will need 50p for school today."), I act upon it, as too many things to remember will overwhelm me. When post comes through the door, I try to deal with it as soon as I open it (the "touch each piece of paper only once" trick), so that it can't get lost.

I know that I am still very untidy though, and I drive DH nuts. :( He will keep putting my phone charger and keys in the "wrong" place though! I can understand his need to tidy, but he doesn't really get how hard I find organisation and the fact that I get panicky if things aren't where they are supposed to be, because then they could be anywhere.

I'd be irritated by a constant series of careless episodes. Because at the heart of it (assuming other, reasonable factors like dyspraxia, depression, etc., have been excluded) I think this sort of behaviour actually means that the perpetrator often really doesn't care. They are quite happy for others to do the worrying and thinking for them.

DP tends to be a great prevaricator and was getting ever more comfortable with the idea that I'd actually take charge of the more difficult or irritating things in life. In the end I decided that enough was enough and had a measured but definite conversation with him. I explained that his reluctance to take responsibility meant that I was in danger of losing all respect for him and the consequences of this could be drastic. It was something of a wake-up call, to put it mildly.

I'm not saying that this would work with the OP's DH but it isn't healthy to live in a relationship which consists of irritation and lack of respect.

It's apparently a very common mistake.

It's very stressful living with somebody like this and it is okay to be mad as hell about the fuel thing. Your husband does not have a right to tell you that you cannot be angry, when something he has done is going to cost £1500 of family money to put right.

My dh is a bit like this - has left numerous items on trains, has driven off from the petrol station having left the fuel cap on the roof, constantly loses car keys and bank cards, has no practical DIY skills, can't remember how to put the car seat in the car, despite being shown 600 times etc. And yet, he can hold all the details in his head of complex things at work.

I am like this with computers and foreign languages. I simply cannot retain grammar rules for foreign languages and cannot do links or get photos onto a memory stick or onto a gumtree advert or download music, despite being shown thousands of times. I have no idea why this is, unless it is simply that I don't consider it important enough to remember. Is it that I (and others) remember the stuff that we feel is of utmost importance and there isn't room for stuff we don't really value.

OP, having paid this bill, I think your dh will consider it important enough to remember in future.

I am like your husband. But when I do Fuck up, I am distraught. I feel so guilty and have sometimes tried to encourage my dh to be more angry with me because I know he would be justified. My most recent mistake was to withdraw 30pound, I don't know what Happened but I took my card and forgot to take the money. dh doesn't know, but I have now started to 'make back' the money by not buying any of the treats I would usually get for myself at the supermarket shop. maybe he is beating himself up about this more than you know.

Well, he's done it again today, same thing in same place, same car, same everything. He won't tell me the cost of it yet.

I am not angry with him (yet) but FFS.

Oh my God!

Why aren't you angry with him? You must h ave done a lot of thinking after the last time. Has he gad an exhausting week, do you think?

Kill him.

Ffs! You have my sympathy.

Can you ban him from driving for a while? Or any consequences at all?

Agree with pandemonia.

IME people like this are often quite happy to let others take responsibility and rescue them, and often want others' (esp partners') time, help, sympathy, money etc etc. to help them sort out problems of their own creation or that everyone has to deal with. And can get quite aggressive if called out on their behaviour, eg accusations that partner is unsupportive. Immature, inconsiderate, disrespectful behaviour.

Especially annoying if combined with air of being too clever/creative/busy to deal with mundane, worldly stuff, or part of an "ooh, aren't I ditzy and lovable" act.

Often gender issues come into play too.

OP is doing the right thing by not helping and letting DH sort it out. But why are you not angry, not least about the financial?!

He may not do it on purpose, but the carelessness speaks volumes about what he sees as important. Does he mess up like that at work?

Do we have the same DH OP? :)
My DH is always always losing stuff. I used to get cross with him but now I just ignore it. If he says 'Have you seen my wallet? Oh ffs I must have lost it.' I just say to him 'Don't tell me I don't want to know' and I really don't.
He is on something like issue number 38 bank card. I'm not kidding.
Oh and he's done the fuel thing as well in past.
He's very intelligent so I really don't understand why he does it. Must be a personality thing.

Well if he can concentrate at work, then I would be pissed off too.

We aren't all like that dozer. I haven't done this yet but know it will happen. I do all sorts like this ... usually impacts on me the most and I usually sort it out. Not as simple as not really caring, have lost and buggered all sorts I have cared about.

Happily dh prefers to focus on the good stuff, making a big issue makes no difference to my performance!

lucia how did I miss this thread the first time?

You are married to my ExH. You are. Honestly.

He managed to lose passports, take the wrong passport, it was me he shouted at - I should have put the right passport into his hand instead of expecting him to go find it in the drawer where all the passports lived

And he lost stuff all the time - used to lose washbags in hotels, tickets, everything.

He now has extreme difficulty as we are no longer together and he is really struggling in some areas.

I do, fwiw, think he has ASD (based on other evidence as well as this)

He has filled diesel cars with petrol before now as well. And cannot work washing machines/dishwashers. And yet holds down a serious responsible job.