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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be thoroughly pissed off by DH's 'stupidity'?

207 replies

luciadilammermoor · 24/09/2011 12:14

Set the scene: this is the man who loses wallets, keys, passports (3 to date), forgets parts of his suits in hotels, leaves washbags behind when going on holiday etc etc etc. I am fed up of reminding him so have stopped = even more disasters.

He's taken the DC to their Saturday club this morning: after an hour, he phones me this morning to ask me for the car breakdown contact details because he's put unleaded petrol in our diesel car, which now won't start.

While none of this affects me (yet...I may have to go and pick them all up, but they could get the train home...), AIBU to react with a huge sigh and to be utterly fucked off with him that he can't seem to remember a quarter of the things I have to in daily life?

This could be bloody expensive to fix and his reaction is just 'I'll deal with it, stop getting cross, don't criticise me' and to hang up on me. I do lose respect for him when he does this.

Go on, don't hold back, AIBU on this?

OP posts:
mamas12 · 24/09/2011 13:22

Hmm did you see the programme Kara Tointen made about dyslexia?
It gave me a massive lightbulb moment re: a friend and her diorganised way of living and how she just couldn't prioritise anything in the way that anyone else would.
He might do well to get tested and learn some professional tips on how to cope with this type of thing.

chibi · 24/09/2011 13:26

Out of curiosity, what sort of work does he do, and how does he manage to keep his job if he is so useless/forgetful/disorganised?

Original poster
luciadilammermoor · 24/09/2011 13:37

Works in very senior role in City. Dunno really, he excels at that but it does stress him out at times, given the need to be very organised for it (no choice really). His office at home is a pigsty. Just makes me think that he can do it if he tries, but he chooses not to do it with us/normally.

I've looked at dyslexia symptoms before but the only one which rings true is this lack of concentration/organisation so I suspect it isn't that. He is trilingual!

Mad professor character rather than underlying ishoos, I think.

OP posts:
lisad123 · 24/09/2011 13:48

Sounds like my dh Blush, but we have come to the conclusion that dh has Asd, as both our girls have too! But I have taken to leaving lists of things if they need doing, I know it sounds like I'm treating him as a child, but it saves alot of fights, stress and me having to repeat myself.
He was pretty much the same when we met but as we have now got two SN girls to support it adds pressure too.
Talk to him and work out a way to do this together

clam · 24/09/2011 13:48

Well, let's just hope that the "very senior role in the City" has a salary to match. You'll be needing it for the car bill.

esselle · 24/09/2011 13:56

My Dh is just like this too. He always loses his keys, wallet, phone, glasses... etc.

But his specialist subject is really crap driving and having regular accidents. Nearly every year that we have been married that we have had a car we have made between 1-3 insurance claims. Every car we have ever owned he has crashed. Thankfully no major accidents but just little expensive ones.

His ultimate accident was crashing his car into my car in our fucking garage!! Well that one left me speechless! To have both cars repaired we had to pay the excess for both of them. We could only afford to get one fixed and as mine was not too bad - just paint off the bumper, his poor little wreak was repaired. To put it into perspective he was reversing into the garage in his little mazda and crashed into my BIG FUCKING 4WD which he "didn't see"!!

To compliment his bad driving he also has the worst sense of direction I have ever encounted. His instinct/common sense are completely upside down!!

I have had to stop myself getting pissed off with him as he too freaks out and gets really upset. I am a sahm he is the earner and sees where his hard earned $$ goes - usually to the fucking insurance companies with the extra premiums and excesses we pay!

He has a very important job and is currently on the other side of the world to me in London - probably losing his shit in hotel rooms. We have been married for 10yrs, have 3DC (DC4 on the way) and although somedays I could happily bludgeon him to death - he is my doofus and I love him!!

mycatsaysach · 24/09/2011 13:58

ugh sorry but brings back so many memories

(ex) dh was almost the same (without the intelligence though) and def got worse as he got older.he didn't want to change and didn't deal with it in a great way - it ended up with me and the dcs getting blamed constantly.i'm sorry op but i really got cheesed off with it all after 20 odd years of it.

lisad123 · 24/09/2011 14:58

i had a small op yesterday so dh so far has had to get up with kids, get them dressed, walk and feed the dog, do dishwasher, and make lunches. He has now left with the two girls to go and get petrol, go to toysrus for girls to spend pocket money, go to pets at hom for dog food and do food shopping!! His capable when he knows what to do Grin

HardCheese · 24/09/2011 15:04

Presumably he doesn't expect to be so disorganised and absent-minded at work and manage to avoid the consequences? YANBU, it sounds exhausting, particularly in that he appears to think it's unfair that you're angry with him when one of his screw-ups costs serious money or makes your life more complicated in some way. I have no solutions to offer, but do you happen to know whether he manages to be organised and efficient in the workplace? If he can do it there, there's no reason why he can't do it outside of work.

AhsataN · 24/09/2011 16:33

YANBU my oh is exactly the same, lost his passport went through all the stress of getting another one to then find his old one stuff in a bag work bag under the bed. he has now lost the new passport. looses wallets, has filled petrol car with diesel.
it really does make me want to scream in his face sometimes its so frustrating especially when i have specifically reminded him about something and it gets forgotten.
i really do think its a distinct lack of common sense. i sympathize.

Dawndonna · 24/09/2011 16:51

Could be Asperger Syndrome. So much going on in his head that the 'non essentials' just sort of fall out.

Whatmeworry · 24/09/2011 16:56

Does that forget-the-details but smart brain mean he also has a good job OP? In which case absent minded is just a downside of his focus and I'd just put it down as one of those things

Whatmeworry · 24/09/2011 17:00

Oops didn't see "senior role in city" but that was what I was on about - very smart people's brains dont sweat the small stuff. Also they get more forgetful when under time pressure.

Original poster
luciadilammermoor · 24/09/2011 17:17

Back again, the car is still in the garage, cost unknown but doesn't look good/cheap.

I see what you're all saying re lack of focus/intelligence etc. I'm unsure about Aspergers, could be, possibly, think not though.

I have an issue with the 'very smart people's brains don't sweat the small stuff' though. I'm as educated as him, worked in the City as well (was more senior than him at the time), and not so long ago was maintaining a FT professional role while being solely responsible for 2 DC (and pregnant) as he was travelling/working.

I can count the number of times I have forgotten something (kids bags, homework, coats/ my laptop/presentations etc) on one hand. I consider myself at least as smart as him and, TBH, when things like this happen, a damn sight smarter.

I perceive it as a lack of caring about me, the DC, the things we need to function (not sure quite how I'm going to get the DC to school on MOnday right now) and demonstrates to me that, at times, he feels that his time is more precious than mine. He could chose to care more and put more effort into ensuring that these mistakes are reduced/eliminated. It's not hard.

OP posts:
kickassangel · 24/09/2011 17:18

you also say he finds it hard to concentrate - is he always like that? is his job one where he has to switch from one thing to another, or just focus on one thing for a while? is he able to actually sit still, or does he fidget a lot?

I'm asking, cos lack of organisation is part of adhd/add. (which has no link to intelligence). so he could genuinely be forgetting things because he can't focus. however, if his job requires long periods of concentration on one thing, and he does that well, then it implies a lack of care - that he just doesn't prioritise the 'lesser' stuff. how you get him to see this as being just as important as his job (or even more so - you're prob hoping to have some retirement time together), I have no idea.

midnightservant · 24/09/2011 17:44

People with adhd/add can focus on one thing - if it engages their interest - in fact they hyperfocus.

I'm like this, also I can remember things and keep organised for a bit, but it is really hard work and mentally exhausting, and then I have a break and it all falls apart again and I get depressed.

Whatmeworry · 24/09/2011 17:45

I have an issue with the 'very smart people's brains don't sweat the small stuff' though

I knew quite a few very smart men where I worked, forgetfulness seems quite common in these men, but less so in women. They were worse when under time pressure, which is typical in senior professional jobs. Petrol, passports, laptops, clothing, phones, important letters....you name it, they've done it.

If he is one of those, IMO you are not going to fix this by shitting on him, that just ups the ante. You both need to think instead about damage limitation strategies.

corinewmoon · 24/09/2011 17:50

My x H was like this.
I couldnt deal with it in the end. It was like having an extra child.
Didnt bother me so much in the early days, but after having children it just seemed he was becoming more and more dependent on me. There were other things wrong with the relationship as well, but his forgetfulness wasa big part of what went wrong (and his refusal to do anything about it)

Oakmaiden · 24/09/2011 17:54

I did this once. It was an accident. Having a go at me about it would really have pissed me off - at this stage he can't UNDO it, he can only deal with it, and you were making it clear (it sounds like) that you don't trust him to do that.

Don't think he was unreasonable to hang up, to be fair....

Oakmaiden · 24/09/2011 17:56

I perceive it as a lack of caring about me, the DC, the things we need to function (not sure quite how I'm going to get the DC to school on MOnday right now) and demonstrates to me that, at times, he feels that his time is more precious than mine. He could chose to care more and put more effort into ensuring that these mistakes are reduced/eliminated. It's not hard.

But he didn't do it on purpose - he didn't say "well, let's fuck it all up for lucia". He just made a mistake. I think you are majorly overreacting.

corinewmoon · 24/09/2011 17:58

If it was just this one incident i would think YABU, but sounds like its an ongoing problem.
'I perceive it as a lack of caring about me, the DC, the things we need to function (not sure quite how I'm going to get the DC to school on MOnday right now) and demonstrates to me that, at times, he feels that his time is more precious than mine. He could chose to care more and put more effort into ensuring that these mistakes are reduced/eliminated'- I totally get it

aldiwhore · 24/09/2011 18:03

You married him!

Although YANBU to be annoyed, YABU to have married a guy that has such a flaw if it fucks you off so much Wink

Bless him.

I say this as a proper ditzy mare who doesn't have super intellect to bolster my defence.

Original poster
luciadilammermoor · 24/09/2011 18:21

OK, I understand the points you're making about hyperfocus etc but without a proper diagnosis...

He concentrates when he needs to, particularly for work. That's why I perceive it as uncaring rather than being more sympathetic to it.

I believe this way of being is a choice, as all behaviour is: he could (if he genuinely has an issue) choose to put more effort in to minimise the nonsense. The truth is that he doesn't do that.

Whatmeworry, I know a few like that too, I always viewed it as a mini God complex though.

OP posts:
Original poster
luciadilammermoor · 24/09/2011 18:25

Yeah, I know, I married him. Grin

OP posts:
kickassangel · 24/09/2011 18:29

you also say he finds it hard to concentrate - is he always like that? is his job one where he has to switch from one thing to another, or just focus on one thing for a while? is he able to actually sit still, or does he fidget a lot?

I'm asking, cos lack of organisation is part of adhd/add. (which has no link to intelligence). so he could genuinely be forgetting things because he can't focus. however, if his job requires long periods of concentration on one thing, and he does that well, then it implies a lack of care - that he just doesn't prioritise the 'lesser' stuff. how you get him to see this as being just as important as his job (or even more so - you're prob hoping to have some retirement time together), I have no idea.