AIBU to be thoroughly pissed off by DH's 'stupidity'?

[luciadilammermoor]

Set the scene: this is the man who loses wallets, keys, passports (3 to date), forgets parts of his suits in hotels, leaves washbags behind when going on holiday etc etc etc. I am fed up of reminding him so have stopped = even more disasters.

He's taken the DC to their Saturday club this morning: after an hour, he phones me this morning to ask me for the car breakdown contact details because he's put unleaded petrol in our diesel car, which now won't start.

While none of this affects me (yet...I may have to go and pick them all up, but they could get the train home...), AIBU to react with a huge sigh and to be utterly fucked off with him that he can't seem to remember a quarter of the things I have to in daily life?

This could be bloody expensive to fix and his reaction is just 'I'll deal with it, stop getting cross, don't criticise me' and to hang up on me. I do lose respect for him when he does this.

Go on, don't hold back, AIBU on this?

oh my god I thought i was the only one who had married Mr Bean/Frank Spencer

If it's any consolation it is easier and cheaper to sort out petrol being put in a diesel engine than diesel being put into a petrol engine (diesel is 'dirty', petrol is 'pure')

I'm another one with a DH like this. Maybe we should start a support group?

Nothing to add really, except when DH fucks up massively it helps me to try and remember his good points, of which he has very many (which is why I married him of course).

Nobody is perfect and everyone has their faults and failings. And if this is the worse sort of thing your DH does, then you are fairly lucky going off some of the threads on the Relationships board.

My DH is a bit like this.

I can emphatically state that he does NOT have aspergers or ADHD. He also has a successful career and in many aspects of his life is extremely organised. He never forgets birthdays or anniversaries and has an almost spooky sense of time - he is never late for anything, and if I ask him when I should leave to get somewhere on time, he will tell me and he is always right.

But he loses things. Breaks things. Forgets to do things. Gets frustrated and cross about this. Will almost always put a drink into a bag with the top not closed properly, carry bag at awkward angle, everything gets covered with drink, reacts as if this has never happened to him before, how can this BE?, yet it happens every time. If there is nowhere to put a cup of coffee down he will put it on the floor and 50% of the time he will knock it over, again this comes as a complete surprise to him, as if this has never happened before. Holidays are a nightmare for me, he's 100x worse - it's as if his "mental map" has gone as we are in unfamiliar surroundings. He loses EVERYTHING, or worse, thinks he has lost things, searches high and low, gets stressed, cancels cards/informs airline/hotel/whatever then finds things again when it's now really embarrassing to do so. If driving on holiday gets completely lost but if reminded that perhaps he ought to take map/sat nav as he often gets lost in new places looks at you like you are raving lunatic . . . I could go on at length.

Luckily he's a lovely guy. I think it's the lack of insight that bothers me. He genuinely doesn't seem to realise what he is like.

Oh and I meant to add that DS1 is the same and drives DH round the bend, and when I say, well now you know what it's like being married to you, DH is quite offended, bless him.

OP - Iquite liek the sound of him. Intelligent but a bit dozy at times.

My note is that you say you lose respect for him when he does stuff like htis. Suggests that your 'respect' and poss. love depends on this ability to do things. Without it he is unworthy of you, which is a bit daft.

also, I know/have known a lot of women who are less than useless at a lot of stuff, both important and not so important stuff.

FWIW I also like the sound of Mr BalloonSlayer too.

I have a dp like this...the petrol/diesel thing cost us £800

He cant fold a clothes airer, he just pushes them flat and bends/breaks them, he still, after 6 years and 4 kids cant install a car seat, I once asked him to put one of the babies into the car (gave him said baby, neatly strapped into infant carrier), he put the carrier onto the seat and got behind the wheel , (I had to install the damn carseat after having each baby, 3 via c section!, he still cant fold any of the prams, we were once loading the car and I stupidly got in before everything had been loaded, he left a bag full of £80 worth of toy story toys on the pavement and drove away....

Its so bad that I dont trust him to be alone with his kids, I rarely go out and if I do I either take them with me or ask my mum to mind them, its a constant flash point in our house as I will ask him to do a simple task... plug in dds ipod to charge, put batteries in a toy, stick a new fuse in a plug, strip some wallpaper, ANYTHING, and I will instantly get a confused face, "oh....I wouldnt know where to start, how does this work again?" I know its easier to just do it myself but then I end up doing everything

Lucia My relationship with DH is exactly the same. It's all well and good for people to say "why did you marry him then?" but when you've been with someone for 2 or threee years these things don't irritate you like they do after 10 or 12 years. Indeed, like you say, life is a lot more complex now and with three children the consequences of these actions (or inactions) can be far more serious.

The thing that bothers me the most seems to be the thing that also bothers you: the unwillingness to try and correct the situation. Stupidity itself doesn't bother me (we all do stupid things) but it's that lack of learning that makes me lose respect. The same mistakes are repeated ad infinitum and that's what seriously tests a relationship. You're right, it makes you feel as though they just don't give enough of a shit to put the effort in whereas they would in a workplace situation for example.

Sorry, no helpful advice just wanted to say that I completely understand and am glad that I'm not the only one who feels the same way!

eselle I really think your DH shouldn't drive anymore for the safety of others.

My dad is like this. My dad isn't super intelligent like a lot of the others mentioned, he's average (or maybe just below).

He can't clip a child into a buggy as he gets confused. I show him each time but it doesn't stick, same with car seats. He can't work stair gates or follow cooking instructions. He can't do things in order and loses his wallet/phone/keys continuously! You think he would learn after the first few times but he still gets up off the bus without looking behind him to see if he's left anything on the seat. He has a manual job but even in that his employers complain about his lack of organisation. He gets stressed very easily and this led to a breakdown a few years ago. He also can't follow conversations, I will be telling him something and after about a sentence he will just start talking over me about something unrelated. It's like he doesn't hear me. He also gets lost over and over again.

Growing up my mum had to do everything. I don't know how she did it! It must have been exausting to have my dad to look after as well. I feel exhausted after just 10 mins with him as he's usually quite anxious and dithery, if he can't find something I feel the stress and it's exhausting.

It also means that I don't invite him on days out with me and the dcs as I feel my blood pressure going through the roof. It's a bit like having another child to look after but actually worse. He doesn't just need looking after, he also causes problems which I have to try to predict and intervene, like leaving stair gates open or leaving sharp knives or boiling water on low tables where dc can reach. I tell him over and over, but he'll pick up the item and look for somewhere to put it and then get distracted and put it back down!

I have suspected for a long time that he has SN. I have looked up various things over the years and he fits ADD, Aspergers, ASD, Dyspraxia. No diagnosis though.

I don't blame you for not doing everything for him any more lucia. I do wonder if my nan and then later my mum hadn't of done everything for him and let him learn by his own mistakes perhaps he would have made a bit of progress in some things. Possibly not but worth a go I think.

My sister needs to see this thread, she struggles with being forced into the organiser role by her DH's doziness, although he has never put the wrong fuel in a car whereas my DH has!

I am forgetful so have some insight; it is possible to have systems that help but it is very difficult to sustain them 100%, I get very upset when i try to be less forgetful and then mess up, ie. write all appointments in diary but then get mixed up about what day it is and miss one (dates are a big problem area for me!). DS1 is the same and it drives me nuts!

DH is very nice about it, he messes up far less often but it is usually a bigger disaster when he does (accidentally killing DC's new kitten in the washing machine ].

to be honest i am envious of people who can do stupid things and not berate themselves for years afterwards.

i still feel soo so stupid about having my passport pickpocketed five years ago and 'ruining our holiday' and if i ever put petrol in our diesel car i would probably berate myself for months. i haven't forgiven myself for the one time i crashed my dh's car when he was not dh and that was agreed joint responsibility with the other person.

i HATE doing 'stupid' things - i'm normally laid back but a total control freak about that sort of thing. i just cannot accept i've done something silly and move on. at least your DHs can accept and move on.

I think it might be because i'm a natural blonde and had too many blonde jokes in my life

is he ill? does he have a memory problem? doe he remember what happened as a child but not what happened at lunchtime?

it could be early onset altziemers....

Haven't read the whole thread so not sure if it's been mentioned, but have you or he considered early on set alzheimers? Sounds a bit like it could be....Sorry I'm sure it's not what you want to hear, but better to know than not.

My old boss was like this. Lovely, lovely bloke but so intelligent he was barely functional. His poor wife was demented trying to manage him.
He went to a conference in London, got the train back to his home town in North Wales, and called his wife from the station for her to pick him up. But she couldn't, cos he'd taken the car. To London!

My brother is like this - he's been staying with us recently so I've had more opportunity to observe than usual. He has always been disorganised and forgetful, but to be fair I think he has got loads better at taking resposibility over the years. It doesn't stop him losing things, but I think he has just learnt to accept this and cope accordingly. I think it's imperative that you resist the temptation to 'rescue' him. I can see it must be frustrating but I also agree you shld not try to beat him up about it too much - unlikely to actually improve his behaviour. My brother isn't married which does limit his impact on other people. But having watched him I am not convinced that he wld be capable of becoming a more practical person. Sorry that's not very helpful is it!

ok - genuine question here - does anyone know any women who are like this?

I ask because
a) there is a strong feminist argument that certain men are like this as they believe that all the 'little stuff' is beneath them, so just let the women deal with it.
b) there's also a strong sense within the media that women are 'ditzy', which somehow makes them 'cute' (ie weak & in need of protection), but men are the copers, organisers etc.

everyone here is naming brothers/husbands etc.

i have a couple of female friends/acquaintences who are always losing their purses and phones...

both very capable women in the rest of their lives (one a mum and professional, the other a high-powered academic).

Re. the work vs home thing - my DH is not as bad as yours sounds. He is very capable of organising his work schedule and appointments, remembering to do everything in terms of emails, orders, invoices etc. He has no trouble working out what to do, where to go and how to achieve something work related - but if it's home related, suddenly his brain goes into neutral and it's somehow preferable to ask me all the time than just think about it.

For e.g. - "where are the phone directories?" In his office, under his nose.
"how do you do X on the computer?" the same way as you did it yesterday, the day before that and every other fucking day before that, when you also asked me about it
"where is the new washing up liquid?" under the sink in the kitchen, where do you think? Where do I always put that stuff?
"where are my keys/wallet/phone?" Wherever you bloody left it/them.

It's sheer bloody laziness on his part - he doesn't want to be arsed to think, just get me to think for him. He had a hissy fit today because he went to the shops to get a DVD and some food for this evening and when he got back, realised we didn't have enough milk. Somehow this was my fault because I hadn't told him to get more - he's the one who used it last, he's the one who went shopping (and therefore should have checked what was needed) and he's the one who will want the milk in the morning - so how is it MY fault that he failed to buy any?? Because he cba to think for himself.

Sorry, that doesn't really help the OP but there are elements of similarity - DH doesn't lose things but he does forget to do stuff (like pay the car insurance/cancel orders that we don't want any more/find an electrician or other tradesperson). I worry about leaving DS in his sole care for more than a few hours, if I'm honest. :(

outthere we'll have to set up a support group on here somewhere. From this thread alone, I realise that we are not alone!

Pan you have made me stop and think about this. I agree with outthere, it is the lack of learning or signs of trying to improve which reduce the respect so when another cockup happens, I know that this is number 271,000 and that there will be others. The fact that I find all this organising and remembering just a simple and small part of being an adult and a parent, just irritates me all the more. Perhaps IABU for that, as it is entirely my viewpoint and I am being a complete judgypants about it.

I really really don't think its Alzheimers, he excels at work and in anything he's interested in. I think it's more a lack of focus on things which don't interest him or which he finds particularly tedious. He will try to avoid doing them and then, when he has to engage, isn't 'all there'.

I relate this to a lack of responsibility (personally, if I never had to do another bloody school run, it wouldn't be too soon) as we can't pick and choose the interesting things in life, particularly with kids. There is a lot of tedium.

I am a woman like that, I lose things all the time, this week I put my recent bank statement into DS3's homework pocket and then wasted ages looking for it. I hate being forgetful, it is a concentration problem with me, I can't seem to lay down memories of everyday actions easily. It really affects my self esteem and I have avoided jobs that require complex organisation as I hate letting others down, it sucks.

Whilst I sympathise, I really do.... and petrol in a diesel engine is just lack of thought, I have to admit I forget things constantly too.

I regularly forget my phone, have gone shopping without taking the money from dp's wallet, have lost my laser card about 5 times (most recently last Sunday), have left money in the self service tills at tesco (week before last), forget the one thing I went into the shop to get, lose things.

But I have to agree with TanteAC.... there are things which can reduce the stupidity, systems to help you remember ('wallet, keys, phone' recited at regular intervals with additional items added as needed, lists for anything important, taking your time) and it is completely my responsibility.... when i do these things I beat myself up and feel terrible and dp ends up reassuring me that it's not that bad.

I think if I were to breeze in and expect him to just deal with yet more money wasted and got cross if he questioned me, he'd be well within his rights to be extremely angry. From your posts I'm guessing that's the issue here, not what he's done as such, but his attitude towards the mistake and the expectation that you''ll just pick up the pieces

SummerRain - think you've hit the nail on the head there with the attitude being the problem. On the rare occaision when my DH has lost his car keys for example and has obviously been upset and frustrated with himself I have had all the time and sympathy in the world for him. It's not nice to feel so angry with yourself - I've done it myself often enough...

However, the majority of the time we have the same conversations over and over again. He has bad headaches virtually every weekend. He says "I must do more exercise and drink more water" virtually every weekend. I try to be helpful and offer suggestions for how he can go about this eg "I have a beaker/flask you can fill and take to work if you like" but every week he "forgets" (or can't be arsed in my opinion) and we end up having the exact same conversation EVERY weekend. Eventually I flipped out and told him I wasn't interested in hearing about it if he wasn't going to help himself. It really pisses me off though because it affects the whole family; we all have to suffer his grumpiness when his head hurts.

Oh God, sorry for hijacking, i think I really needed to get that off my chest! In a nutshell, it's the laziness that winds me up more than anything. I'm not an intolerant person but I have no time for laziness that impacts upon others... it really affects our marriage sometimes