AIBU to be thoroughly pissed off by DH's 'stupidity'?

[luciadilammermoor]

Set the scene: this is the man who loses wallets, keys, passports (3 to date), forgets parts of his suits in hotels, leaves washbags behind when going on holiday etc etc etc. I am fed up of reminding him so have stopped = even more disasters.

He's taken the DC to their Saturday club this morning: after an hour, he phones me this morning to ask me for the car breakdown contact details because he's put unleaded petrol in our diesel car, which now won't start.

While none of this affects me (yet...I may have to go and pick them all up, but they could get the train home...), AIBU to react with a huge sigh and to be utterly fucked off with him that he can't seem to remember a quarter of the things I have to in daily life?

This could be bloody expensive to fix and his reaction is just 'I'll deal with it, stop getting cross, don't criticise me' and to hang up on me. I do lose respect for him when he does this.

Go on, don't hold back, AIBU on this?

Not angry yet because I don't know what the £££ is. I will find out.

Interestingly, he didn't tell me he'd done it this time, the children did when they got back (having missed the vast majority of their club and having spent 2+ hours in a petrol station and in a rescue lorry - which was AMAZING according to the DDs).

Also, he'd programmed in a rescue service contact number into his phone (which I am, while exasperated/thoroughly pissed off, also quite amused by)

We will talk this evening. Fun night!

God this sounds exactly like me. I actually have been wondering if theres something wrong with me its so bad. I always feel terrible but can neverseem to remember/not loose things or be less clumsy not matter how hard i try.Honestly its notdone on purpose no matter how irritating it is. :(

OMG - I would be furious. Another £1500 because he can't be bothered to think for himself. He manages it at work, he can manage it at home. Unbeliveable.

I think I would start taking out equal money and putting it into another account and spending it on something fun for me & the kids (£3000 plus whatever other costly fuck ups he's had in the past few months will go towards a lovely holiday for your and the kids. You need one.)

I did the petrol in a diesel engine thing before. I'm not stupid or thick or any of the other lovely words used to describe your DH. It was a mistake. DH loses a lot of stuff too, we have played memory games to help him and he now makes lists if he is travelling (although he has lost the list on one occasion).

Yes it is annoying but leave him to sort this stuff out and it might make him twice as likely to remember.

I would make him sort it out of HIS OWN MONEY, even if he has to borrow it. Then I would get my own car and have nothing to do with his car.

This is HIS PROBLEM. Why should it be paid for out of the family pot?

Let him get a loan or whatever, it's not your problem. The more you help him mop up these messes the less important he thinks it is.

I think it's highly disrespectful. Speaking from experience. I had an ex like this, constantly lost phones, wallets, keys, passports, let his licence expire, having stupid accidents, left my car open allowing it to be stolen, LOST A CAR, yes thats right lost a car, reported it stolen, found it a couple of weeks later parked where he had left it covered in parking tickets. I could go on and on. The only thing you can do it detatch.

He will drag you down with him.

You are looking at about a grand if he started the car and half that if he didnt.

It would drive me insane to be married to someone so careless. I remember reading one of your posts before about the passport - that alone would send me apoplectic with rage! Surely with super-important documents you make sure you have them safely put away somewhere? And the diesel thing - ok, could happen IF IT DIDN'T SAY IT ON THE CAP!!

YANBU.

I think we must be married to the same man. My dh has:

Left the gas on
Frequently gone to work leaving the front door not only unlocked but wide open
Lost numerous items including an iPod that I'd scrimped and saved to buy him
Put petrol in our diesel car (twice)
Gone off on a business trip forgetting his presentation material which meant I had to leave work and drive to heathrow to give it to him before he missed his plane

In other words I feel your pain. It is immensely frustrating and I get so wound up by it, I mean if I took the 'I'm so ditzy I just can't remember a thing' route we would be seriously up shit creek. I get sick of being the adult in the relationship!

Watching this with interest as have a DP a bit like this, but nowhere near as bad. ie we had a massive row about him mixing up all the dirty clothes with the clean clotheswhen 'helping' with the laundry and 'drying' dirty towles over the clean ones this morning, but he doesn't wreck petrol tanks!

Did you think it was charming when you met him?

I have a similar dh. It's funny how charming becomes bloody annoying when you have dc.

Mine's been making a fairly simple dinner for well over an hour now! I know I should be grateful. But the starvation is warping my feelings.

@psketti Oh we have had tears over him cooking me a meal that gets served at 11pm. However, we have friends coming over in 15 mins and the starter is chilling in the fridge and the main is simmering.

So I have to overlook the hobs left on, the fridge door left open over xmas etc.....

Oh yes, he left the door unlocked for a whole weekend once (I wasn't there) and I have to check all doors & windows every night. God this sounds awful, doesn't it? Have I been living with this so long, I've lost all sense of perspective on this?
He's just cooked supper and burnt all the food! I'm on my 2nd glass of wine...

I've done the fuel thing. We have 2 cars, one petrol, one diesel and I was in a rush (had dropped ds1 at respite, walked dog, was rushing home to get ds3 to go horse riding and then had to rush home to work on some work with tight deadlines). It happens. Petrol fits in diesel not the other way round.

I realised i'd done it after adding about five litres. Loads of people told me to fill up with diesel and drive it anyway. Luckily I ignored them and phoned the RAC who said that my engine (a modern turbo diesel) had 0% tolerance. But you would not believe the number of people who told me it would be ok. So it may not be his fault that he turned it on.

As long as the person who f's up sorts out the consequences it's just daily crap isn't it. If he's expecting you to sort out his mess that's different.

Tardis - yes we have to be grateful for small mercies! Enjoy your meal.

Hi op I remember reading this thread when it first appeared in September and thinking omg you must have the restraint of a saint, all those things would make me feel very very stabby indeed!

And here we are, 4 months on, and hes made the same ( preumably similar expensive 1500 quid ?) expense AGAIN?

Now, I would have to do as pandemonia suggested on the last page and have a Serious Talk about how his attitude makes you feel - that it seems he doesn't value you/the dc/ home life. That if this goes on, it will impact on the future ofnyr marriage - I think it would for me after YEARS of these types of fuckups and no attempt to work on it or value your anger, that to me is more important than the actual original fuckups if you see what I mean. It's demeaning.

some kind of attention defecit disorder, as someone mentioned earlier?

early signs of dementia?

are there other personality issues - e.g. moody, unpredictable, oversensitive.

its just that i have a "friend" like this and sometimes I wonder ...

i meant alzheimer's not dementia, though i am by no means an expert ...

Wonder if I am your friend janelikesjam?

Fairly sure that even wondering if friends think I have Alzheimer's won't help, quite an insight though!

Sorry op are you saying he's done it again today after a couple of days ago?

There are a lot of people on this thread making xcuses, lot of "super intelligent but no common sense" comments and a lot of people asking why the op married him. Well when I was younger I was irresponsible, foolish, never planned, lost stuff etc. I grew up. 99% of us hve to. I'm not perfect & do my fair share of typist things but I take responsibility. Once you have children you have to step up and take responsibility. I'm guessing the op assumed her dh would, as she no doubt had to. It comes down to how much it matters to you. I regulalry forget my lunch for work, leave it at home.. while one come close I've never sent dd to the childmindrr without her lunch.

Also quite annoyed at all the people patronisongly explaining to the little surety how busy her super intelligent and very hard working husband must be. Did they miss the bit where she explained she understands because she has been in exacly the same position?

Ah old thread sorry
And I meant wifey in last post weird auto correction

But in defence of all other perpetual arses like me, it is possible like me he has never really been 'foolish, irresponsible, never planned' when younger and just failed to mature. I have lived independently since sixteen always planned and stuff but everyone who knows me could give you a bundle of disaster stories, lateness, confusion, losses, mysterious disappearances, keys in doors, doors open, cars open, lots of lostness, some quite amazing lostness and plenty of breakages. I have picked up a tub of lettuce and put it in the child's lunch bag instead of the prepared home cooked nutritious goodness also in the fridge. Didn't notice until v hungry child came home. If he is like me it's not not caring, My dh doesn't find it much of an issue beyond venting the odd Ffs.

Ready Veg I do sympathise. I am constantly looking for my car keys or shoes (dont ask). It's just that these things only really affect me and I deal with them. So maybe my brain puts them lower down than the stuff I class as important. If dh asks me to pay a bill on my day off, ill probably forget. Of he asks me to post a job application for him, I won't. If I don't have lunch, I go hungry or nip out. Dd doesn't have that option

Yes Stealth, he did this in September & repeated it today.

I do understand why people are saying 'but you married him', it's just that as you and others have said, before we had DC, this must have happened (long time ago, can't remember) but it only affected him.

When he does something now, he's pissed off at himself, he's pissed off at me and he potentially drops the DC in the middle of things as well. I'm not helping him out any more but the situation is wearing, very very wearing.

Flaming heck Lucia, I'd be fucking furious. I absolutely can't bear gormlessness when it affects other people.

Totally get what you're saying about the respect thing, there's nothing less sexy than feeling like you have to be your partner's mother.