To take back my car?

[damodad]

Background, DW left me 7 months ago for someone else. I have let her use my car (that I own and pay all the running costs for) as she doesn't work and is on benefits.

Back in June we agreed that she would give me back the car at the end of October, but now the deadline is approaching she is saying that there is no way she can afford a car and that she needs it to get DS1 to school (she choose to live where she is now and it is further than walking distance from the school).

Basically I want to have nothing to do with her outside of the children and the car is yet another link between us. I can understand her point of view but I don't think that if I said "have the car for another 6 months" that in 6 months time she would be any closer to having done anything about sorting herself out.

Not sure what to do as she is saying that she will have to move DS1 school.

TBH, if they´re not living together, I don´t understand why your ex moved so far from school/nursery that she needs a car when she could walk it before(?)

That wasn´t done for the children´s benefit.

Or could she not afford to stay within walking distance?

She is working, damo. That's the point. If you were the legal carer, and you chose not to work but to draw benefits, you could do that too.

I do have sympathy for how you are feeling and you are absolutely right there are no winners - but I think again, you're focusing on her when it's the children you have the responsibility to.

Me being the legal carer is not a realistic option, I earn significantly more than my XW would be able to, so me working allows the joint debt to be paid off, a decent amount of child maintenance to be paid and me to support myself with no help from benefits.

If I were the main carer and my XW worked she would not be able to afford the payments on the debts, to support herself and pay child maintenance on what she would be able to earn, so we would both HAVE to work.

So in effect despite what a lot of people have said that by caring for the children my XW allows me to work, when you look into the financial realities and what each of us earn or could earn, the fact is the best for the children is for me to work and take on all the debts, be able to pay child maintenance, support myself and the children when they are with me, which in turn allows my XW to have a CHOICE to work or not.

damo, I see that you being legal care isn't a realistic option. But I think you're being a bit unfair to see her working as a choice. If she has a preschool age child, she presumably can't easily. And she has already sacrificed a lot of career prospects (realistically) to stay home with the children prior to this point. You presumably chose those roles as a couple, so to an extent, you're still responsible for that choice. Which is a total bugger, because obviously you also chose to be with her. I do see that.

I can see it is tough for you, but I think you are over-estimating how much choice she has and how little you do.

Anyway, sorry, I am not sure I'm saying anything helpful. But I hope things get better for you all.

Although the wife made career sacrifices to be a sahm, she isn't owed continued support from the OP because she reneged on any deal they had when she decided to start seeing someone else. He was keeping up his end of the bargain. I think it was selfish of her to move to a place where she cannot easily get her dc to and from school and is taking the view that she should have her other life and damo should continue to finance it.

damo until your debts are paid, I can't see you having many options in what you do. But, you do have the option of stopping your wife from taking the piss out of you. If she finds she cannot manage the school run on the bus, she will have to move closer to school. You can't let her hold the kids happiness over your head for ever. I think they will be fine getting the bus with mum - thousands of other families manage to do it.

damo until your debts are paid, I can't see you having many options in what you do. But, you do have the option of stopping your wife from taking the piss out of you. If she finds she cannot manage the school run on the bus, she will have to move closer to school. You can't let her hold the kids happiness over your head for ever

Clearing the debts is your key out of this. I am sure you would love the car, but the more you write, the more I think selling it to clear debts will kill a lot of birds. Or maybe even the threat of doing it will....

OP you have said that you are paying your ex all that you are legally obliged to - are you paying spousal maintenance which is seperate from child maintenance?

I ask because if your wife cannot properly support herself by working, if you divorce the court will probably issue you with a court order to pay monthly maintenance payments for your wife in addition to the ones to your children.

It is really in your best interests to get your ex earning and able to support herself.

You will lose out more financially in the end if you do not enable her to support herself.

It is nonsense to say that women with pre-school children can't go to work. There may be limits to what jobs/hours you can do, but I've been back at work since my own DD was 8 months old. Yes, the childcare costs were a big chunk of our joint income, but I was still better off working. My DP and I have 3 kids between us to support so me or him being a SAHP was never an option.

Beamur I am a SAHP of 3 DC's, one of which is preschool. It is indeed an option. However unless the cost of childcare is shared the OP's ex will be unable to manage it unless she has high earning potential.

Is the OP's XW living with her new partner? I can't see on the thread whether she is or not.

IIRC the XW moved to live closer to her new partner. Just to add an extra layer of mess the new partner also has a wife who is legal parent to the XW's new partner's child.

I dont think that the OP's XW could have created more of a dog's breakfast if she had sat down and thought it out with both hands for a fortnight.

Just to clear a few things up, my xw can afford to live perfectly well without getting a job. She just says she can't afford to buy a car. Which is not a necessary requirement to live.

She does not live with her new partner, they can't afford to because my xw would loose too much money in benefits. Her new partner has a good job but is paying rent on her own place as well as half a mortgage on the house her and her xw own!

Damo - I know it's rude to ask but how much maintenance are you paying? You keep mentioning it but the minimum amount recommended by the CSA varies depending on your wage and can vary from £5 per week up to £1k or so (unsure of the top amount). Are you paying a generous amount? CSA amounts are not based on what a child costs, but how much the other parent can afford....this seems ridiculous to me as this puts the onus on the resident parent to make sure the shortfall is made up...or taxpayers of course.

My ex pays £200 per month which I think is actually quite insulting. Outsiders think it's to his credit that he is for paying maintenance but it in no way represents 50% of my dds' costs and the CSA had to obtain an order to deduct from his salary. They don't even get the extra benefit of having a relationship with him as he has been AWOL for four years. I'd rather receive nothing in some ways but that would be silly. Anyway, I digress!

I don't understand why you are saving for a deposit when you have outstanding debts. Why would you do this? And why didn't you ever buy a property with your XW? Will your mortgage repayments really be so much less than rent? I know it's the old 'dead money' thing with rent but when you have a young family to support you sometimes have to live in the here and now.

I'm not on your XW's side. This does all sound quite difficult and as though you have tried to be reasonable. However, your XW does provide the majority of care (just) and I don't see why she can't phone you very occasionally if there is a child up sick in the night. That is your child too...if you were still together then you would have your sleep disturbed and, presumably, help out. OK, so she doesn't work....but perhaps she was at her wits end and just needed some support. I know people will disagree with this but surely this is the two of you still working together for the kids? This is almost an ideal world. Many a parent has to go to work for a full day on no sleep. It's what we all know we sign up for when we have children.

I think you should sell the car and pay off the existing finance. Split the remainder of the money and she can decide if she wants to buy another car with it. You have coped for all this time without the car so I presume you don't need one or will buy a runaround with the remainder. She can't have her cake and eat it but I can see why she thinks you should provide her with a car to ferry around your children - but it's just a case of differing opinions....fwiw I think she is wrong and taking the piss. Let her work out if she can afford to pay tax and insurance. And don't take any crap.

I do a four mile bus journey school run with a just turned four year old and an older child every morning and afternoon, because when I took the first house we were offered when we needed to move after my relationship breakdown I chose to keep my kids in the school they love. My kids are fine, well balanced and haven't melted in the rain, or developed 'issues' through having to take a little longer to get places. I also spend much more than £40 a month on bus fares (no child weekly tickets in my town) for the two of us who pay, and wouldn't expect my ex to foot that bill on top of what he pays in maintenance. I'm on benefits too. And, to be fair, if I budgeted I could buy and run a cheap car after a serious stint of saving.

Your ex is being lazy. Take back or sell the car to aid debt reduction.

If OP's XW is living alone...then a good proportion of the childcare would be paid for via tax credits wouldn't it??

That would cut the childcare bill drastically if XW chose to return to work. I am getting the feeling from some on this thread that unless OP is living the life of a complete pauper, and sacrificing almost everything to help his poor XW children, then he is simply not doing enough.

I disagree. His XW is living reasonably well as far as OP is concerned, therefore, if that is all we have to go by, then she is doing ok considering she is on benefits.

I can't imagine the majority of people trying to survive on benefits are living perfectly well.