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AIBU?

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Original poster

To take back my car?

215 replies

damodad · 20/09/2011 12:41

Background, DW left me 7 months ago for someone else. I have let her use my car (that I own and pay all the running costs for) as she doesn't work and is on benefits.

Back in June we agreed that she would give me back the car at the end of October, but now the deadline is approaching she is saying that there is no way she can afford a car and that she needs it to get DS1 to school (she choose to live where she is now and it is further than walking distance from the school).

Basically I want to have nothing to do with her outside of the children and the car is yet another link between us. I can understand her point of view but I don't think that if I said "have the car for another 6 months" that in 6 months time she would be any closer to having done anything about sorting herself out.

Not sure what to do as she is saying that she will have to move DS1 school.

OP posts:
Whatmeworry · 21/09/2011 16:49

this is less about him being inconvenienced by not having the car, than about the fact that she's reneging on a previous agreement. My impression is that maybe the OP is concerned that if this boundary moves then it'll be a slippery slope, the boundaries will keep moving, the ex will never have an incentive to stand on her own two feet and and he'll end up entangled forever because she'll keep leaning on him

That's my take too, and I'd add that if all the communications are of the form of her post reported upthread he is probably right.

Beamur · 21/09/2011 16:50

Is the car a shared asset OP? It may be in your name, but if acquired during the marriage it is joint property.

I'm no lawyer, but presumably if it is, likewise are the debts you've acquired, so there is some balance to be struck on how the debts and assets of this family now need to be shared out.

TottWriter · 21/09/2011 16:50

Lorem, this isn't the point. The OP isn't just asking for the car back, he's currently paying for his ex to use it! Even if they split the money, the ex could not afford a car.

She is asking him to let her keep the car, AND for him to keep paying its upkeep, as she can't afford it!

I agree that possibly the car needs to be sold and the assets divided, depending on when it was bought. But I don't think she is going to be happy about that either, because she will still be without a car, assuming I have been reading this thread correctly.

LoremIpsum · 21/09/2011 16:54

I think it is partially the point, TottWriter. The OP is asking if he's BU to want to take his car back, if it is actually the family car it's a very different question and the payment aspect can be tackled differently.

We have one car, it's in my name as you only register cars in one name, doesn't mean it's my car.

Clarifying whether the car belongs solely to the OP or was an asset from the marriage changes things IMO.

fedupofnamechanging · 21/09/2011 17:33

The way I see it is she decided to move to a place where getting to school was difficult. I think she did that with a view to manipulating you into giving her the car on a permanent basis. Everything you have done so far has been for the benefit of your children and she is milking that. I found her letter to you to be manipulative.

If she cannot afford to buy and run a car, then she shouldn't have moved the kids to a place where a car is needed. With that in mind, I would question her ability to parent properly and would tell her that if she can't manage, then the kids could live with you full time and a child minder can take them to school from your place.

She chose to leave, and I don't see why you should continue to finance her life.

Xales · 21/09/2011 17:54

If the car was bought during the marriage and is an asset of the marriage in OP name can the same be said of debts run up during the marriage they are debts of the marriage despite being in OP name?

Get the car back, you have clearly managed without one for the last 6/7 months. Sell it and pay off some of the debts.

If there is any left over split it and let her put it towards a cheap runabout. My car is worth less than £500, is a 12 year old micra but goes from A to be and round corners.

Original poster
damodad · 21/09/2011 17:57

The car was bought when we were married, but it was bought by part ex a car that was mine and finance which is in my name that I payed and continue to pay.

OP posts:
littlemisssarcastic · 21/09/2011 18:25

Another who thinks you should take the car back. Sooner rather than later imo.

I knew a woman who left her XH a few years ago, and he let her use his car for a specified amount of time until she was on her feet again. The weekend that he was due to pick the car up, she let her adult son drive it through fields and basically wreck it. It was smashed up afterwards. Sad

Not to say this will happen to you, but ever since I knew this woman had done this, I have been wary about it.

Sounds to me like your XW is using the DC to manipulate you. I wonder what will come next after the car??

LRDTheFeministDragon · 21/09/2011 19:13

Ah. Tricky if it was a marital purchase but you didn't share finances. TBH I wouldn't be chuffed if DH decided things were 'his' because he paid, if I'd been home looking after the kids, but we have shared finances and I suspect that's more than a cosmetic difference.

Original poster
damodad · 21/09/2011 19:40

The debts that are both in her name and mine that I am continuing to pay are more than double what she would end up with if the car was sold and the proceeds split. That way she leaves without a car but also debt free. Again more than reasonable I think?

OP posts:
notanumptyalways · 21/09/2011 19:41

Take the car back!

The bloody cheek of it. She can get the bus, 4 miles is not that far and the kids will have to move school at some point I assume.

If DC is old enough then DC can get a bus pass too and travel like that, it is not punishing, lots of kids do it and it does them no harm.

She is using your kids as a tool which is not on.

AuntiePickleBottom · 21/09/2011 19:45

tbh i think you should allow her to keep the car.

it is winter coming up, and i wouldn't like the thought of my DC waiting in the bus stop freezing, getting soaking wet ect when they could have a nice warm car to get them to and from school

Kayano · 21/09/2011 19:46

Very reasonable Damodad IMO. A bit more reasonable than she deserves by all accounts.

Bogeyface · 21/09/2011 19:59

i have thought about this more and I think that this has nothing whatsoever to do with the car. Its about who gets to win.

But in this case, if the OP wins then the kids will suffer.

So the only solution I can come up with is that he lets her keep the car but she agrees to sacrifice however much maintenance she needs to to cover the payments on the car and that she takes over paying the tax and insurance.

diddl · 21/09/2011 19:59

If OPs ex hasn´t moved in with her new partner, how easy would it be for her to move clser to school/nursery again?

Kayano · 21/09/2011 20:03

But bogey Op can't afford to run the car! Surely what he is proposing is best, yes his ex and kids get the bus, but that's better than one parent getting themselves into debt because she won't give up getting an essentially free car.

I think she is bang out of order and it's not about who wins, it's about common sense. There is a bus that will do, a car in the city is as others have said is a luxury that neither can afford atm

diddl · 21/09/2011 20:07

If OPs ex can´t afford to run the car there´s not much point in her having it, is there?

LoremIpsum · 21/09/2011 20:08

Sell the car and pay down the debt a bit and you all get the bus.

Or take the car back and drive to work.

Or do what several separated couples I know do and allocate the car to whoever has the children at the time, so when she drops the children to you, she leaves the car and gets the bus home, then you drop them back and get the bus and so on. Surely the two of you can work out a way to accommodate that financially. That way benefits the children the most IMO.

FabbyChic · 21/09/2011 20:11

If the finance for the car is in your name then the car is yours.

I have no idea why you are asking a gaggle of internet broads what you should do, you know you should take it back its a ridiculous scenario. Just because she is good with words in her mail to you does not mean she has automatic rights to anything.

We all have to live hard lives, we all have to do things we don't want to.

She chose to fuck off and become a lesbian, she broke up the marriage by the sounds of it the only one suffering is YOU. She just carries on as normal.

Life ain't like that and it is about time she came up for air from the muff diving and smelt reality.

Bogeyface · 21/09/2011 20:12

OK fair enough, but I do think that this isnt really about the car but about him winning.

He has not conceded one single point. He goes on about legalities regarding his kids, finally admits it was the family car but he paid for it (from his wages that he could earn by having free childcare from her) and seems intent on keeping going until he can justify doing something that he knows will have a negative impact on his DC, just so he can win!

Original poster
damodad · 21/09/2011 20:12

The nature of most people who haven't got a polarised opinion is pretty mixed, which is the nature of my feelings really. Whatever I do, short of giving her the car and paying all the debts is going to have some effect on my children. The question is what had the least effect?

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 21/09/2011 20:14

why dont you ask yourself that question in January when it is freezing cold, chucking it down with rain and blowing a gale, when they are standing at the bus stop and you are sitting in your nice warm car?

FabbyChic · 21/09/2011 20:16

She chose to be single dont you understand that, when you become single something has to give, life is no longer as simple as it was before, some things are harder.

If she wants a car, and if you sell yours you can afford two cars do that.

But she has to insure/tax and run it.

Kayano · 21/09/2011 20:16

Bogey that's bull, he has been paying for her to have that car when he really can't afford it, and he only brought up the legalities of the childcare issues as it was relevant to demonstrating that he actually does more than that, so don't twist it. His last proposal of selling the car and paying debts was a really fair compromise. He is also paying off the family debt that is in both their names which again is unfair. She is clearly using te DC as leverage so she can manipulate the situation and keep a car for which she contributes nothing

FabbyChic · 21/09/2011 20:17

What gives a woman who cheats on a man, takes his kids and moves to the arse end of nowhere the right to be a dictator. A taker.

What about women who do things for themselves, seems this woman just wants everything her way without any give at all.

Its nuts and gives decent women a bad name

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