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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take back my car?

215 replies

damodad · 20/09/2011 12:41

Background, DW left me 7 months ago for someone else. I have let her use my car (that I own and pay all the running costs for) as she doesn't work and is on benefits.

Back in June we agreed that she would give me back the car at the end of October, but now the deadline is approaching she is saying that there is no way she can afford a car and that she needs it to get DS1 to school (she choose to live where she is now and it is further than walking distance from the school).

Basically I want to have nothing to do with her outside of the children and the car is yet another link between us. I can understand her point of view but I don't think that if I said "have the car for another 6 months" that in 6 months time she would be any closer to having done anything about sorting herself out.

Not sure what to do as she is saying that she will have to move DS1 school.

OP posts:
Kayano · 20/09/2011 23:20

This is familiar to me. Does DW name start with E?

Kayano · 20/09/2011 23:22

That guilt trip of hers is annoying btw. Seen that before.

thisisyesterday · 20/09/2011 23:29

hmm actually she sounds quite sensible and nice

Vallhala · 20/09/2011 23:35

I'm going to be the odd one out. I think that to an extent she has a point.

If I were you I'd be damn cross about the non-return of the car BUT as a car-less LP of 2 children I can also see that her having care of your jointly-born children does indeed enable you to work without having to worry about childcare costs or the practicalities involved in finding and facilitating childcare arrangements.

However, as a LP whose ex husband provided neither support nor financial help I know that, hard as it is, you have to get the DC to school somehow - and for me, also at the time living in a city, I walked a 12 mile round trip and later biked it when the DC were old enough (ex left when they were babes, they're close in age). Later still, when we lived more than the council's idea of too far from the allocated school, they were entitled to school transport.

Do I take it that your DC's school is not the nearest one with places and that therefore your ex is not entitled to the same?

As cross as it makes you, you BOTH have a moral responsibility for the DC, and that includes getting them to school. Sure, if it's not the nearest, they could move to a closer one, but is that the best thing for the child? Or would a less "good" school and/or the move not be detrimental to them?

M0naLisa · 20/09/2011 23:35

Take the car and TELL HER to get her new partner to buy her one. Or get help from her (new partner) to help get your kids to school.

Its not your problem no more and she is taking the piss, its your car.

Kayano · 20/09/2011 23:47

She should surely then take over the car payments though? Why should he run her full car for her? when she made the decisions to leave the family and
Move? She is using those kids to carry on as it is beneficial to her. She should get the car signed over to her plus any finance agreement associated with it IMO.

Vallhala · 20/09/2011 23:53

Kayano, surely she isn't able to take on any financial agreement wrt the car if she's on benefits? Wouldn't think that a loan company would agree to it or that she could afford a private arrangement with the OP.

Perhaps the solution is for BOTH parents to look into how to get the DC to school, car or no car. I note that the OP has said that he's "not sure about bus routes"... but why hasn't he checked, if even only to argue that his ex can use the damn bus and that she's taking the pee? That he hasn't makes me think that his crossness is clouding his sense of doing what's best for the DC.

It goes back to BOTH parents having a duty to care for the DC and get them to school somehow and it's as much the OP's resonsibility to look into that as it is his ex, as far as I see it.

Kayano · 20/09/2011 23:56

Well she should at least pay half. If he is paying her maintenance and she is receiving benefits, surely that is what it is for?

I mean not a lot of ppl pay maintenance AND pay full running costs for the OPs vehicle.

billysolloxx · 21/09/2011 00:08

its annoyed me has this, shes basically manipulating you to get as much as she can out of you and using the kids as leverage. Get your car back ASAP! or you may never see it again.
Remember SHE cheated and left YOU.
You pay maintenence for your kids so your doing what you can in an unexpected and difficult situtuation you owe HER nothing.
Just my opinion.

LRDTheFeministDragon · 21/09/2011 00:16

I am so sorry you've had a bad breakup. You must be feeling awful.

I think what comes across most clearly is that you and your ex need some professional help to mediate things. It's too hurtful and too raw for either of you to work stuff out like this.

First thing after that that occurs to me is, what's the problem with her moving your DS1 to another school as she says? If you do have a problem with that, I think it has to be a shared problem. It must feel awful given the circumstances, but people who say you have to see it as benefit for your son not for your ex wife are right. It's not fair on him to expect to cut contact - he didn't do any of the things your ex did that have hurt you.

Bogeyface · 21/09/2011 00:38

I do think she has a point about sharing some responsibility for taking the kids to school, and if you cant or wont then you should accept that your DC will have move schools.

Whilst I can see why you are pissed off, it seems that you want the car back but dont want to do anything to make sure that your DC can get to school! You cant have it all ways, after all, as another poster said, if she was at work you would have a hell of alot more to do than you do now.

Kayano · 21/09/2011 00:51

Why CAN'T she work if the kids are at school all day?

Bogeyface · 21/09/2011 00:53

In her reply to the OP she says that the youngest isnt in pre-school yet, so they arent at school all day.

And as someone who cant afford to work due to childcare costs, I can sympathise.

PootlePosyPerkin · 21/09/2011 00:59

If you left her for another person then I would be more inclined to see some validity in her argument. However, she put herself in her current position and if things are difficult for her then so be it - it's not your fault or your problem.

Take your car back. Your children will not suffer, there are other ways to get to school & they will still be able to go places in the car - just with their father rather than their mother.

frumpyq · 21/09/2011 04:25

You don't owe her anything take the car back and don't buy her a buss pass. She should buy her own bus pass.

That's just an opinion of course.

If she's using your child as leverage to gain a sympathetic ear from you?

Don't fall for it and go with your gut instinct.

I'm sorry you are going through this it must be a tough time for you and your son.

Gonzo33 · 21/09/2011 04:52

This is ridiculous. You should get your car back and your ex should learn tp stand on her own two feet.

She should have also considered the outcome when she chose to move so far away from DCs school.

We currently live over 3 miles away from the school my ds goes to (and I work at) and we regularly walk.

amistillsexy · 21/09/2011 05:12

She made the decision to move to live so far away from your son's school. Was she thinking of the children when she did this?

I assume from your posts that the children are quite young, and in Primary school. Tell your wife that there is a reason there are so many Primary schools- it is so that children can WALK to their NEAREST school. She has moved away from the area where DS's current school is, and she now needs to look into enroling him in a LOCAL school, one which they can walk to. Ultimately, it will be better for the children to go to school in their locality, so they can have a social life outside of school (and without being ferried everywhere by car!).

If she says she can't do that because he's 'settled' in his school, tell her he was 'settled' in his home, and she had no qualms about uprooting him from his home just to suit her! Unless your son has some serious social problems, he will soon settle into a new school, and he will still have friends from his old school when he comes to stay with you.

I am Sad for you and your family. I think your wife should have thought more carefully about the implications and planned her move better than this. She took the step away and will now have to stand alone. She can do this without detriment to her children if she chooses to make decisions in their best interests, rather than her's.

amistillsexy · 21/09/2011 05:14

Sorry, have I missed a post? Do you have a problem with DS moving schools, OP?

Original poster
damodad · 21/09/2011 08:45

Just to clarify a few points, I have looked into bus routes, there is a bus that goes past the end of her road and drops off at the end of the school road, they are very regular and it takes about 15 mins each way. A 4 week ticket costs £40 and she can use that to get into town as well.

Whilst I can see that in some way I have a moral responsibility to get my children to school I believe that is mitigated by the bus, the fact is a daily bus journey is not going to be detrimental to my children, it will just be less convienient to her.

While in theory I have no problem with moving schools, the school DS1 is in is a very good school and again there is no problem here because of the bus he can still go to the same school.

OP posts:
Original poster
damodad · 21/09/2011 08:53

Oh and to add a bit of background to this. I pay the full amount of maintenance as required on time, contribute to additonal expenses such as school uniforms etc. I have my sons two nights a week and then every other Fri, Sat, Sun. I believe I do more than a lot of absent fathers.

The children are and have always been my No1 priority and if there was no other viable option then she could keep the use of the car, but there is, as I said the bus is not going to detrimental to my children, just less convienent for her.

OP posts:
borderslass · 21/09/2011 08:55

Go and get your car, who's it registered to?

InnocentRedhead · 21/09/2011 09:09

SHE left you and SHE now has the responsibility to get your children to school. It is YOUR responsibility to get your child to school when they stay with you. And looking at your arrangement, you have the children 7 nights out of 14 so it is shared care, meaning that you shouldn't really need to pay much maintenance either.

You need the car too, and if it is registered to you and the agreement states that she was to have it until October, then after October any day she keeps it is a criminal offence. She has the car without your consent now (I was in a similar position with my ex - no children involved though) which is theft. Remnd her of this. Tell her of the bus routes, also tell her that if she is on benefits and further than 3 miles, that she can get a free bus pass for children.

Original poster
damodad · 21/09/2011 09:26

Again to clarify, having them that often is not shared care, if I were to have them 50% of the time not 50% of the nights then it would be. I have no legal responsibility to get my children to school as she is the primary carer and they "live" with her.

As things stand, she drops the kids off and picks them up on the weekdays that I have them, something I will do when I get the car back as I realise it would be impossible otherwise as she would not be able to get to my house before I leave for work.

Shared care is actually very rare as it is difficult to implement and is not well recognised by the courts or benefits system. If it were shared care I would be entitled to half of the child related benefits.

OP posts:
borderslass · 21/09/2011 09:28

But is your car registered to you, if so she has no legal right to it just go get it you need it she can take the bloody bus.

LydiaWickham · 21/09/2011 09:31

Go get the car this weekend, take it back.

She is an adult, she needs to behave like one.