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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take back my car?

215 replies

damodad · 20/09/2011 12:41

Background, DW left me 7 months ago for someone else. I have let her use my car (that I own and pay all the running costs for) as she doesn't work and is on benefits.

Back in June we agreed that she would give me back the car at the end of October, but now the deadline is approaching she is saying that there is no way she can afford a car and that she needs it to get DS1 to school (she choose to live where she is now and it is further than walking distance from the school).

Basically I want to have nothing to do with her outside of the children and the car is yet another link between us. I can understand her point of view but I don't think that if I said "have the car for another 6 months" that in 6 months time she would be any closer to having done anything about sorting herself out.

Not sure what to do as she is saying that she will have to move DS1 school.

OP posts:
Kayano · 21/09/2011 20:18

Also , plenty of exes and dc get buses, it's not like a bit of rain will make them dissolve remembers pfb disabled vs parent child parking spaces thread

olibeansmummy · 21/09/2011 20:19

If the car is as much hers as his, then the op should let her keep the car and serve her with half the debts. Definately don't pay anymore towards the running of the car op. She will be getting far more in benefits now than when she was with you so can use them to pay for the car.

FabbyChic · 21/09/2011 20:23

What about the millions of people who travel to work in January by train, by bus, what about people who cannot get buses so they walk with their children.

When has rain, cold killed a child walking to school.

This woman feels she has entitlement. She is using your children as emotional blackmail.

The jist of it is you cannot AFFORD to run it whilst you are not using it, what is the point of paying for a car on HP that you do not have. Seriously.

Give it back to the Hire Purchase company. Pay off the debt. And when you can afford it buy a runaround. My car cost £550 its done over 2k miles in 3 months, and it drives like a dream, cheap insurance and cheap to run.

Im not into cars and only want one for what it can do and that is get me from A to B.

People who cheat can't end up with bread, jam and butter, something like the jam has to go.

She has got used to three course meals and refuses to downsize considering her income has reduced, its two course meals now but you are paying for the third course.

Man up and be a man your children will not suffer, and if by chance they do it will be HER fault and not yours.

OTheHugeRaveningWolef · 21/09/2011 20:24

What was the debt for? Was it yours, hers, a joint debt?

It sort of isn't relevant, except it seems to me that it kind of is: this whole thing is about how you unwind joint assets and obligations from a relationship with the minimum possible fallout for your DC.

If it was her debt, then damn right I'd be resentful about paying for her car on top of that and maintenance. Even if it is joint, I think it'd affect how I weighed things up to see if I felt I was being milked.

What was it for?

GingerWrath · 21/09/2011 20:26

Sorry, been lurking...if the family debt that is in your name is your responsibility legally, then the car paid for/ being paid for in your name is also legally yours iyswim.

Kayano · 21/09/2011 20:26

high fives Fabby Grin

Original poster
damodad · 21/09/2011 20:32

The debts were for stupid things really, but ultimately the money was spent on the family. There are a couple of smaller debts that are her catalogues etc. The car was purchased with 70% money from a car that was mine and the rest was financed.

OP posts:
Kayano · 21/09/2011 20:35

Made any further decisions reading this Damo? What are your latest thoughts?

FabbyChic · 21/09/2011 20:36

Im not being funny, but you sound like a wimp.

For god sake, grow a cock and man up.

She is taking you for a mug.

GnomeDePlume · 21/09/2011 20:42

Damodad apologies if I have misunderstood anything (or missed anything) but I think that the problem for you is that she is never going to say 'Damodad, you're right, here are the keys'. That is never going to happen no matter how right you actually are.

You are just going to have to live with her whining 'think of the children' at you and looking pathetic for a while until she gets used to the bus. Lots of people live without cars.

She needs to learn the basic maths that your combined income is now divided over two households which means less all round including for her.

I'm sorry, it is a hateful situation for you.

SlackSally · 21/09/2011 21:15

I can't believe some people are giving you a hard time on this one.

It is so clear that you mentioned the legal responsibilities because someone asked you about having shared care - some people just seem to be determined to think badly of you.

And what an hilarious attitude to taking a bus. I don't often agree with Fabby, but she's absolutely right about this one. Millions of people get the bus to work or school every day. No one gives them a free car!

The man is paying for the children, while also having them virtually half of the time, because his partner decided to leave and decided to move far away from school.

Should he pay her rent too, as it would indirectly benefit the children?

YouWinOrYouDie · 21/09/2011 21:16

I think that the car instead of whatever the equivalent in maintenance is a great idea! I remember the days when the RP could only keep £10 per week from the NRP legally (not that I ever got that ever from exH for the short time I was a LP on benefits)

Not sure about the posts saying that because she decided to change her life that she should suffer Hmm This woman is bringing up two children who are quite young and is having to face the consequences of having taken time out of the workplace to give birth to them and be around as agreed.

She works. Full-time. Does she call the OP at 3 a.m to come and hose down sicky DC, change sheets, wash them, comfort and reassure and then still get up and do it all again in the morning despite having had sod-all sleep?

Her email sounds pretty reasonable to me.

Kayano · 21/09/2011 21:38

You win or die, he does have the kids half the time... As mentioned up thread.

Original poster
damodad · 21/09/2011 21:40

And likewise do I call my xw at 3 a.m to come and hose down sicky DC, change sheets, wash them, comfort and reassure and then still get up get my kids ready in the morning then go to work for 9 hours despite having had sod-all sleep? Then walk through the door in the evening as she drops them off again, try and fit in playing with them, getting them ready for bed, cooking, eating, doing any housework or washing that needs doing and god forbid having some time to myself and then getting up to do it all again and go to work for 9 hours for the 14 nights a month I have them

OP posts:
Kayano · 21/09/2011 21:42

Damo, some people just don't read. And her email was not reasonable, it used the kids for her own means

YouWinOrYouDie · 21/09/2011 21:45

Oh, fair enough. I apologise for my assumptions damodad.

Whatmeworry · 21/09/2011 22:25

She needs to learn the basic maths that your combined income is now divided over two households which means less all round including for her

I think this would be the tack I would take, and that reneging on the agreement is not something you can afford longer term so your preference then is either (i) to reduce maintenance so she can cover cost of car, or (ii) sell car and pay off debts so you are both free of it - after all, what could be fairer :)

Her strategy from day one was clearly to get the car, and that letter tells me she is gameplaying for all its worth - so steel yourself for DC emotional blackmail, but in return I'd be tempted to hint that since she is reneging you would be tempted to as well - and look like you mean it - I think she is probably well aware that if you were oushed too far and backed away her life would get a lot worse, and that will probably be the only thing that will force her hand.

nolembit · 21/09/2011 22:46

OP if your wife has been a SAHM whilst you have been at work then she has saved you a fortune in childcare costs. As a father whilst you were together you had equal responsibility for caring for your children 24/7. Your wife could have been more financially independant if she hadn't been prevented from earning by having sole responsibility for your children. She was working full time for no financial recompense and is entitled to half of the household income as by caring for your children she enabled you to work. It may have been her choice to leave but if she were to get a job you should pay for half the childcare costs for her to do this. They are your children jointly and by not sharing half of the responsibility for childcare you are preventing her from supporting herself and your children. If she could support herself then she could afford to pay for her own car. YABU.

GnomeDePlume · 21/09/2011 22:49

Nolembit - just to be clear by being a SAHM she saved them the cost of childcare. It is a joint cost not his cost.

nolembit · 21/09/2011 22:52

GnomedePlume I never suggested that all of the cost of childcare was his.

LRDTheFeministDragon · 21/09/2011 23:09

I have a great deal of sympathy for the OP and he is in a tough situation. It's pretty shameful that the most unpleasant statement about the ex here comes not from him but from someone else. 'She chose to fuck off and become a lesbian'???

Fabby, no matter how bigoted and homophobic you choose to be in private, that is a disgusting thing to post and hardly what the OP needs to hear either. She did not 'chose' to become a lesbian. Either she is or she isn't. It's shite for the OP and not made better by you trivializing the issue with comments like this.

LRDTheFeministDragon · 21/09/2011 23:13

damo - sorry, this may be a question that's been covered, but who has the children during the day for your 14 nights? This is probably just my ignorance not knowing the system but I am trying to understand where you're both coming from.

There is certainly a point where if you cannot afford something, she needs to know that - am I right you are currently managing to pay for the car but really struggling?

GnomeDePlume · 21/09/2011 23:13

Sorry Nolembit I read that into your first sentence but agreed you didnt say so my apologies.

The OP is paying all agreed maintenance plus extras. The car appears to be above and beyond the agreement. The XW moved away from the school for her own reasons not to benefit the children. The XW is now whinging 'think of the children' to the OP so that she can continue in the style to which she has become accustomed but is not entitled.

I do not thing the OP is at all unreasonable to want the car back. The XW has made her bed. She can and should lie in it. The children will not suffer as they can get to school by bus.

littlemisssarcastic · 21/09/2011 23:15

WTF is wrong with getting a bus?? I am clearly missing the point here. Can any of the posters who believe that OP should give a car to his XW and pay to keep it on the road Shock explain to me what is so truly horrendous about using public transport where it is available to get DC to school??

Bogeyface · 21/09/2011 23:19

Nolembit, I think you have a very good point. Why is it that people assume that a LP with care (in the eyes of the law) should shoulder all of the childcare costs when them being in childcare allows both parents to work? (tax credits notwithstanding, this is about perceptions of who should pay what, and tax credits only cover 70%). Maintenance does not cover childcare, it covers basic living costs.

My ex sometimes rang and said that he "cant" have the kids on a certain weekend, assuming that I could change my work around that and not caring if I couldnt. If I ever rang him (I never did) and said "I cant have the kids on X week" he would tell me to fuck off, its my problem! I dont work atm but he still does it because he knows he can. I cant just turn up and dump the kids on his doorstep because a) he wouldnt be there and b) i wouldnt do that to the kids and he uses that against me, but he can just not turn up to collect them and I have to deal with that. Sorry that went OT but I am still mad about it!