To take back my car?

[damodad]

Background, DW left me 7 months ago for someone else. I have let her use my car (that I own and pay all the running costs for) as she doesn't work and is on benefits.

Back in June we agreed that she would give me back the car at the end of October, but now the deadline is approaching she is saying that there is no way she can afford a car and that she needs it to get DS1 to school (she choose to live where she is now and it is further than walking distance from the school).

Basically I want to have nothing to do with her outside of the children and the car is yet another link between us. I can understand her point of view but I don't think that if I said "have the car for another 6 months" that in 6 months time she would be any closer to having done anything about sorting herself out.

Not sure what to do as she is saying that she will have to move DS1 school.

Gosh OP, you poor thing. I'm sure you must be feeling devastated, still in shock, let down, angry, bitter, all those things. In that light I can completely see why you would want as little to do with your ex as possible as it will just stir your feelings up. I can also see why you might not feel you want to do anything that could be seen as being for your ex's convenience rather than just the children's.

In that light the car is really tricky, as of course it's going to make her life easier. Where it gets difficult, though, is that in making her life easier to an extent you're doing the same for your children: as Beaumur says, she'll have an easier time doing the shopping, running errands, getting them to and from school and so on; her mood will be better, and from that perspective her having a car would probably benefit your children as much as her.

The thing is, while I can see why you might think 'Let her new partner buy her a fucking car then, she's not my problem any more' her new partner isn't going to have the children's interests at heart the way you and your ex do. So while I really deeply feel for you and can see you're trying to do the right thing while dealing with a lot of grief and anger, I think under the circumstances it might be better for your children in the long run if you grit your teeth and don't fight too hard about this, however galling that might feel at the moment.

How old is your littlest? How long until s/he is in preschool? In other words, how long until your ex is able to get a job? And what's your financial situation? If you could find a way of enabling your ex to have a car, even if it's not your car then might that work?

Could you perhaps buy a car on HP for her use, in her name, and make repayments on her behalf for now in the clear understanding that you will stop making repayments at an agreed point and she will either need to give it back to the dealership or take over the payments? That way, you could have your own car back, while making life easier for your children when they are in her care, and also be in a position where it's relatively straightforward to exit the arrangement when she's in a position to pay for it herself.

Oh god ! Do not buy a car for your ex on HP !!! do not get into debt for her ...Thats the worst advice ive ever heard .

Shes had 7 months to find money for car of her own and hasnt done so ... you can get a pretty reasonable car for £1800 these days ...and if its just to take kids to school then if it would make you feel better offer to loan her £2000 for a car for herself. She can pay you back £ 30 a month if needed , but make her pay for it herself !

OP-what hours do you work?

Could she work around them?

I didn't mean get into debt on her behalf, but tell her if she wants a car she can get one on HP - ie the loan in her name - and the OP will cover the repayments for a certain period of time. I certainly wouldn't advise taking out a loan on behalf of an ex who left with someone else

You might be right though. I don't know really. Just trying to think of options

I guess I was thinking, if the car is already paid for, and the OP has been able to let his ex keep it for this time without missing it - if he was willing to pay bus fare as a contribution for helping get his kids to school - if this was about the same as tax/insurance - he would be allowing his kids (and his ex - true) the benefit of having a car without it necessarily costing that much.
But this would be generous, which in itself can be a valuable building block for the future in his relationship with his kids. (My DP is divorced and has 2 kids and a good relationship with your ex makes everyone happier)
Saying all that, I still think you wouldn't be unreasonable in asking for it back either.

She had to leave the family home as it was rented and after making enquiries the landlord said they would serve her notice if I left as she was not working and there would be a large shortfall in the rent compared to the amount of housing benefit.

I really cannot afford to fund a car for her, I am still paying off joint debts that although in my name were for the benefit of the family.

I work 8-5 mon-fri and really can't afford to reduce my income due to the above, I would love to reduce my hours and do more for the kids during the day but it isn't possible. I am currently saving hard to get a deposit together so I can move and reduce my outgoings on rent.

That said, I don't think you can afford the luxury of providing your ex with a car.

I'm on team OP. Just go get it and get verify the insurance. Her attitude sucks

Have finished reading the whole thread. YANBU OP - take the car back

I think you should take the car back but changing schools is a big deal for children and should never be taken lightly certainly not over something as trivial as a car.

Why don't you take the car back and offer to take the children to school? You get the car, the children get the use of the car, your ex doesn't and your children stay at the same school????

I'd take it back, maybe give her one more month grace - and under no condition buy her one. Is she renting now, presumably in 6 months she could find a place closer to school anyway

And her note to you shows pure User mentality IMO.

You seem to have avoided answering for the 3 hours I've been out this afternoon, but will try once more;

Was the car a family car? Are you divorced?

Because, if not, then in my view ex-w has as much right to the car as you, as it's property of the marriage. As you've managed without it for 7 months, why do you need it back?

Could I suggest a 'fair' compromise, could you tell your ex that you will need to take the car back or she needs to buy it off you and take over the costs, however you'll give her until the October half term, that way over the half term break she can practice the school run on the bus etc.

Most importantly, try to keep things civil with your ex, your DCs will not remember the rights and wrongs, they'll just remember Mummy and Daddy arguing and being mean to each other.

I will check the bus route with DS1 (I'm sure he'll enjoy it!) - No. No, no, no, no NO. He may enjoy it initially as a novelty but inevitably he will get sick and need to go to the doctors at short notice, be desperate to visit a friend off the bus route, want to get involved with extra curriculars, need transport after dark etc etc etc. His mother will be struggling with him and little one (buses are very difficult with prams and shopping and school bags alone) and the children will be the ones who miss out on activites and socialising. Their mother will be stressed with the situation (rightly or wrongly) and that isn't good for them either. Meanwhile, you have full use of a vehicle and this just doesn't seem right. Under these circumstances I feel your ex is justified in moving your son to a school nearer to her.

Please don't misunderstand me, I really do have every sympathy with you. However, I do think that in this situation you need to reaffirm your commitment to your children by working through your issues with your Ex independently to issues that so closely effect them. Your Ex had to move from the family home because she could not have afforded it and she is providing the majority of the care allowing you to work full time.(I know legally it is NIGHTS but as mentioned previously the legalities and what is right and wrong in this situation are somewhat different) She has no additional income and can't pay off your debts but even if you pay every penny of those debts off yourself, in the end you will have maintained and furthered your career and this will far compensate the current financial loss.

I understand you want nothing more to do with her except for the kids and this may seem possible in theory but as your current car situation demonstrates, it is incredibly hard to separate your personal issues with her from their welfare. As they get older you will want to instill certain morals and behaviour in your children and so will she. You need to sort out your feelings towards her so you can negotiate, compromise and generally act in an adult manner towards one another in order to raise your children effectively.

It's just come to me that ballstoit kind of has a point, and if it was the family car then it 'belonged' to the marriage. As the marriage has broken down, it's going to be unfair on one party whoever takes the car.

So being really scrupulous about it, the thing to do would be to sell the car, get a refund on the insurance, split whatever money that makes equally between OP and his ex and be done with it.

Thanks raveningwolef I wonder if op also sees my point and that's why he's ignoring me!

I must say, suspicious lack of communication RE time frame of car purchase.

From reading OP posts I think his view is that at the time the settlement terms reached plus use of car for a period to get settled was the agreed split, and now she is reneging on that agreement.

I can see that, just wonder if there has been any legal arrangements with regard to the car during the seperation? He seems to see that it's his, even though presumably they got it during the marriage (unless it's an older vehicle), but I'm just querying whether that's a fair way of doing things.

Agree with SGM.

How can a responsible parent not be "sure" about bus routes before posting that he is demanding "his" car back?

And that stuff about legal obligations and limitations. Who thinks like that regarding their own children?

Oh yes, and if the OP isn't sure about buses then perhaps he should try getting a school-age child and toddler washed, dressed, breakfasted and onto a bus with packed lunch and / or money / forms filled in / P.E kit or swimming stuff packed and onto a bus.

Lots of bags some days and remember that the toddler will also need holding if a wheelchair-user boards and the pushchair will need to be folded and held because the luggage racks are much smaller now.

OP would have to get to the stop a few minutes early too and entertain the older child and possibly the younger one screaming in the pushchair due to boredom.

If someone made me do this every day and I had the choice not to I'd be begging for them to take my car!

Yep, having wavered all over the place I think that's what it comes down to. The car was a joint asset for a couple; the couple no longer exists; therefore it's a tussle about who gets the benefit of the joint asset.

As you can't very well chop a car in two, the only options are either to sell it and split the money, or else let one party keep it and accept that the other will lose out. The ex clearly feels that the interests of the children are a strong argument for her having the car rather than half its value; the OP is unhappy with this.

I've had a sense from a few things he's said that this is less about him being inconvenienced by not having the car, than about the fact that she's reneging on a previous agreement. My impression is that maybe the OP is concerned that if this boundary moves then it'll be a slippery slope, the boundaries will keep moving, the ex will never have an incentive to stand on her own two feet and and he'll end up entangled forever because she'll keep leaning on him.

But she's going to be getting maintenance money from him anyway, because of the DC. Their lives will stay entangled to an extent for the same reason. Is it really wise in the very long run for this car to be where the OP takes a stand over the extent of that entanglement? I don't know. Only the OP can decide that really.

yanbu take the car back imo it is not up to you to fund her car.

I was beginning to think I was typing in special invisible pixels, having asked several times if the car was purchased during the marriage and/or used as a family car. If it was, the ex also has a claim to use it, or it could be sold and the money used to buy two cheaper cars.

OP-has a car always been needed to get the children to school?