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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take back my car?

215 replies

damodad · 20/09/2011 12:41

Background, DW left me 7 months ago for someone else. I have let her use my car (that I own and pay all the running costs for) as she doesn't work and is on benefits.

Back in June we agreed that she would give me back the car at the end of October, but now the deadline is approaching she is saying that there is no way she can afford a car and that she needs it to get DS1 to school (she choose to live where she is now and it is further than walking distance from the school).

Basically I want to have nothing to do with her outside of the children and the car is yet another link between us. I can understand her point of view but I don't think that if I said "have the car for another 6 months" that in 6 months time she would be any closer to having done anything about sorting herself out.

Not sure what to do as she is saying that she will have to move DS1 school.

OP posts:
Original poster
damodad · 21/09/2011 13:33

I will check the bus route with DS1 (I'm sure he'll enjoy it!). I work full time and really can't re-arrange the current agreement without changing my job (which hasn't changed throughout this).

OP posts:
LRDTheFeministDragon · 21/09/2011 13:36

Is there a problem with changing your job? It sounds like a good option to explore maybe?

It just strikes me that you expect your ex to change her work (get a job in addition to her childcare responsibilities). I honestly don't know what is fair here - I am still stuck on the issue of whether her leaving was really something she can be blamed for (though obviously it is human nature that you will feel it is).

LRDTheFeministDragon · 21/09/2011 13:36

(If your DS does enjoy it that's brilliant, of course. Smile).

Original poster
damodad · 21/09/2011 13:40

SGM: That statement is a fact, not a "thought" or my opinion or even what I believe should be the case. If you read the thread properly you will see that I used this statement in the slighty off topic of shared parenting and to highlight that although I have my children 50% of the nights our arrangements do constitute "shared parenting" in the legal sense of the term.

OP posts:
Original poster
damodad · 21/09/2011 13:41

do NOT constitute "shared parenting" in the legal sense of the term

OP posts:
Original poster
damodad · 21/09/2011 13:47

LRD "It just strikes me that you expect your ex to change her work (get a job in addition to her childcare responsibilities)."

I don't expect her to do anything, but if she wants to boost her income then she can choose to work if she wants. She doesn't have to work in order to live comfortably with the exception of a car.

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 21/09/2011 13:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fanjobanjowanjo · 21/09/2011 13:53

SGM - damodads just using the legal postition to clarify what the situation has been so far and to illustrate how much he wants the best for his DC, and wishes to be involved with them.

It's quite harsh to suggest that he would "feck off" given the rest of this thread.

StewieGriffinsMom · 21/09/2011 13:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
damodad · 21/09/2011 13:56

SGM: I haven't stated an opinion on the law, if you don't think it's right that fathers are able to do this then do something about it. I think I have made it quite clear why I have posted this statement and that I do much more for my children than many other fathers in my position.

"Makes me wonder if you've already been having these thoughts." Assumption and speculation are neither useful or productive.

I won't be replying to any more of your comments.

OP posts:
LRDTheFeministDragon · 21/09/2011 13:57

damo - I sort of see what you're saying, but the comfort of the car is for your son too. If he's happy on the bus I reckon you're sorted for this issue, but I can't help worrying there will be others. If changing your job is a possibility, maybe that would help as obviously there is, at the moment, a childcare problem which may or may not be solved by the bus journey. I hope it is solved.

I didn't mean you 'expected' her to get a job in the sense you were pushing her - I can see you're not - I just mean, you're saying if she wants a car she should work for it. This is true. But if - now or later - your children will benefit from a car for their use, then it won't just be her responsibility, or just yours. IMO.

LRDTheFeministDragon · 21/09/2011 14:00

I would say -maybe it helps to think of it like this: you've provided the finances for the car for 7 months. Her contribution was to do the driving and to organize the logistics of how your children got to school. I wonder if she feels like that?

I think it's back to the old problem of how do you quantify the non-financial stuff, and how do you measure it up against the financial stuff.

Original poster
damodad · 21/09/2011 14:02

LRD I can also see what your saying and would like to thank you for your honest and balanced opinions. It's very difficult to gauge your own take on a situation when you are at the centre of it. TBH that is why I started this topic in the first place.

OP posts:
fanjobanjowanjo · 21/09/2011 14:03

*Dumping your kids isn't a "legal position".

It really isn't.

We need to get out of this mindset that a Dad that doesn't act like a plonker is an incredible father.

If a woman had said that, she would have been flattened on this thread.*

He has never claimed to be an incredible father, he has simply given context to his conduct over the break up. Which has been needed because of people like you sneering at him for suggesting he take back his car, and throwing accusations of spite, and use of children as weaponry, and suggesting he's thinking of doing a runner on his DC.

He had to point out that he is doing more than the legal requirements to try and make you understand he does love and want to be part of his DC life.

I think maybe you are a little oversensitive to this situation for your own reasons.

JuneChollySawcutt · 21/09/2011 14:07

Seriously? Let her keep the car. You are very angry with her. Your reproducing her reply to you in full here, including the name of your child? Not clever and not cool.

LRDTheFeministDragon · 21/09/2011 14:09

No problem. I think I'm going to bow out now as I'm not sure I've anything else to say. I hope you all get through it.

LoremIpsum · 21/09/2011 14:10

damodad, I'm not sure if I missed the answer, but was the car purchased during the marriage? Was it used as a family car?

Original poster
damodad · 21/09/2011 14:13

June: The names in the message are not the names of my children. Posting the message I feel gives balance to the thread as it gives her take on things without me filtering or censoring the content.

OP posts:
Beamur · 21/09/2011 14:15

If you are paying a fair and reasonable amount to your ex for her living expenses then it doesn't seem fair that you are also expected to provide and pay the running costs of the car too. Especially if there is a reasonable alternative available on public transport.
Many people can't afford to run cars or choose not to.
However, another thing strikes me - having a car, whilst not essential for the school run, also helps enormously with other aspects of life too - such as shopping, for example food shopping for a family without a car can be pretty hard work.
Would it be too much do you think to compromise on running the car until your youngest starts at nursery or pre-school and then maybe expect your ex to share those costs?

If you were minded to extend the time you lent her the car, you could also make it clear that any repairs are her responsibility and if the car needed replacing that would be outside of your agreement. I obviously don't know how much your insurance is, but if you covered the cost of road tax and insurance, it might not be that much different to the cost of a bus pass.

cera1980 · 21/09/2011 14:23

I would say you have been more than reasonable in allowing her to keep the car for 6 months while she got herself settled.

I would like to know though, did she leave the FMH through choice, or did you refuse to leave meaning she had no option but to move somewhere else?

Is it was her choice to move and take the children, then as you are paying for the car, I would take it back as I doubt anyone would say that you should pay for finance on a car that you have no use of, I would assume that it could be a significant amount of money that you pay out for it on top of maintenance every month. I would see it a little differently if she had to leave the FMH.

droves · 21/09/2011 14:24

Take your car back .

It has nothing to do with kids going to school or not .
There are thousands of families , who manage without a car at all .

If you and your ex-wife hadnt split up , but had become unable to afford to keep the car ...there would be no car . Whats the difference ?
She made a choice . Let her live by that choice.
Your right to take back your car is nothing to do with her choice to leave you .
It is not spiteful ...you have continued to pay for the car and running costs for the car for 7 months , she had the car on loan , with the knowlegde that in a few months you would require it back.

In fact you let her use it to make the transition from her old life to her new life a little bit easier. That is a kind act toward someone who has treated you badly.

She obviously wants to keep it , but who can blame her for that ? . You too would try to keep hold of a free car if you thought there was someone who was daft enough to give you one.

Although her letter was nicely worded , it is manipulative . Emotional blackmail using your children to get what she wants.

Dont give in to her ....grow a pair and say no.

What you are doing in regards to the children is the right thing ....and they will only benefit from having a dad who wont walk away .Smile

diddl · 21/09/2011 14:33

At the end of the day if both OP & ex need a car-is it up to OP to provide both cars or his own & contribute to his ex´s for the sake of his children?

Would ex need a car if it weren´t for the children?

ButternutSquish · 21/09/2011 14:42

OP, having been involved in threads like this, you cannot win! There are people here who'll twist your words and of course, they are not in the situation as you are.

You say the car is yours, your DS can get to school on the bus & will enjoy it, and it would appear that you do as much as any person could in your situation regarding child care and maintenance.....so go and get your car without any guilt.

Your XW is never going to be happy about the arrangement but that's a bit unlucky. Whether she could or couldn't help her sexuality, she still had an affair and moved away from DS school. Maybe life should be a bit tough for her (but not your DS obviously)!

ladygagoo · 21/09/2011 14:42

damo, my DP did this when his exW left him (and his son). He kept her on the car insurance for about 6 months after she left as she would take DS out in the car and he felt it was better all round that he would be travelling in the car rather than public transport at that time.

After about 6 months he informed exW that he was taking her off the insurance, he gave her about a month's notice so she could make other arrangements.

I realise this is not quite like your situation but as you have said there is a viable bus route, I think you are NBU at all. You are being perfectly fair and seem to have been more than accommodating. Time to break that last tie and move on. Good luck

droves · 21/09/2011 14:45

Wow ! So its ok to let an ex pay for a car then ?

Think id better look out my ex`s phone number and tell him to get me a car then .

A adult who wants /needs a car should work if they want a car ....not sponge one off an ex .
Cant believe how many think its ok .

I have kids with my ex-h . If he asked me for a car id tell him where to go ....far side of fuck and all that .

If op was a woman , and ex was a man there would be an uproar !