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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have bought a birthday present in the sale?

208 replies

artigiano · 19/09/2011 11:51

I bought my two year old niece a pure silk and beaded dress from John Lewis for her birthday. It is exactly the sort of dress she would wear. I also bought one for my own DD2 whose birthday is around the same time because I thought they were so gorgeous. DD1 and I spent an hour choosing those dresses together. They were in the sale and were originally £40 and I bought them for £20 each. To be honest, I wouldn't have wanted to spend any more since I feel that children of that age outgrow clothes so quickly and it seems wasteful to spend more on something they will wear a handful of times (and will probably stain immediately).

My mother then speaks to me, very upset indeed and tells me that my brother and sister in law have asked her to pass on a message that they wish me to return the dress since they don't like their children wearing"discount" clothes. My sister in law had actually made the effort to go to the shop to check how much I had spent!!! If I had spent the full £40, the present would have been acceptable to her.

I feel so upset and humiliated.

I just buy their children things that I would buy my own and that I think they would like. In fact , I usually buy their daughter what I have bought my own DD2 for her birthday.

I quite often buy my own children things I have bought in the sale: I gave my DD1 a bag (reduced to £20) from the Cath Kidston sale for her birthday. Again, this is something I would not have bought full price.

To make matters worse, my brother and sister in law have bought my DC some pretty horrible things (eg a bizarre candle making set designed for adults) and did not acknowledge my DD1's spring birthday this year at all. I have never said anything to them and tbh this doesn't bother me. i always accept presents with a thanks and a smile, always. It is just basic good manners isn't it?

Was I unreasonable to have bought a birthday present in the sale? Should I have spent more? I feel so humiliated. I can't face seeing them. What shall I do now?

OP posts:
eurycantha · 20/09/2011 08:50

I have bought a dress in John Lewis that was £20 instead of £40.I understand exactly how you feel ,Id be so upset if the mum of the child Im giving this dress to said what this woman said .You bought it at John Lewis ,how can she complain about that.you bought her a lovely dress which your niece would have loved, dont feel humiliated this woman is just being rude and ignorant

NestaFiesta · 20/09/2011 09:06

Wow artigiano- beautifully handled! You have you come up with a great solution.

Hopefully it will shame your SIL and teach her a much needed lesson about how others less fortunate than her and her children just value good health and wouldn't give a shit if a dress was in the sale. She is so lucky to have healthy children and needs to learn to appreciate this.

You have taught her a lesson and an excellent charity will now benefit. SIL can't possibly argue with you without looking like a villain.

LoveBeingAMummyAgain · 20/09/2011 10:50

Can't believe that Shock

I don't think kids should be punished by not having presents though, just buy £20 worth of choc/sweets next time Grin

Original poster
artigiano · 20/09/2011 11:21

yes interesting question allhailtheaubergine- why did i feel humiliated? Because I wondered whether sister in law was in some way justified maybe.Perhaps she felt I had deceived or hoodwinked her into thinking that I had spent more than I had. She felt that I had pulled the wool over her eyes, led her up the garden path. I don't know.

Anyway where does it end? She has, I know bought books/DVds as presents from Amazon which are discounted, sometimes heavily.

I shall make the donation now and let them know what i propose for the future. And i'm really pleased that my DDs are more than happy for their future presents from brother and sis in law to be replaced by donations to charity.

Actually I think this is becoming more common: we went to a 40th birthday recently where the guests were asked to make donations to a nominated charity rather than gifts.

OP posts:
whoneedssleepanyway · 20/09/2011 11:43

Atigiano you have handled this with real dignity, I hope your SIL feels like a money grabbing self centred [insert appropriate noun] when you tell her.

Your DDs sound lovely.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 20/09/2011 11:48

Brilliantly done, artigiano.

Can I second the request for you to come back and tell us what the response is?

NinkyNonker · 20/09/2011 12:02

Well done you!

NestaFiesta · 20/09/2011 12:11

LoveBeingAMummyAagain- something tells me the SIL's kids won't suffer from missing one gift, seeing as their mum sends them back anyway if she doesn't like them! Might do them good.

Unless you mean the OP's kids? In which case, they sound as if they are totally on board with the idea and have a real idea of good values.

Llanbobl · 20/09/2011 13:56

When your neice is older I do think you should buy her a small gift as she may not unbdestand the charity donation and she shouldn't have to suffer for her rude parents.

I can sympathise with you i had a friend like this (note had a friend Grin) who would be incredibly rude about presents people bought her or her DC. She even gave things back to people rewrapped for their/their childrens birthday. I was never sure how well received my gifts were as I'd never see any of the clothes/books/games i'd bought (on her suggestion) being worn or played with.

I just don't get some people - if you get a present you don't like, you smile, say thank you and then regift it to soemone who would like it or charity shop it etc

Lambzig · 20/09/2011 14:28

YANBU - how incredibly rude of them. I think its them that need the etiquette lesson - definitely not you.

I often buy presents in the sale. I am sure like most of us you had a rough idea of the amount you wanted/could afford to spend, so thought that getting something in the sale was getting something a little better for your budget.

Take the dress back, buy your own DD something lovely and ignore them.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 20/09/2011 15:36

Just to let you know I have been at work today so will be sorting out my dontation to clic later today.

I am sure I have a page for my DD somewhere that I used when I was fundraising. I will have to find it.....

Well done again! Smile

thefirstMrsDeVere · 20/09/2011 15:39

Found it!

Shamless plug.

www.bmycharity.com/BillieJosiah

Just incase anyone felt moved by the thread to donate

Ariesgirl · 20/09/2011 15:43

There are really people like this in the world? Shock What kind of values are they passing on to their children? It sounds like a lovely dress as well. Angry

JodieHarsh · 20/09/2011 15:50

Hello Aries You're my FAVOURITE

DizzyKipper · 20/09/2011 16:03

They both sounds like snobs, glad to see the way you're handling this artigiano, you're doing the right thing - and ignore them when they inevitably get nasty, they're really not worth it.

SnakeOnCrack · 20/09/2011 16:12

If my brother did this (which he wouldn't but still), I'd phone him up and say, I'm so sorry you didn't like the dress I bought for xx's birthday. DD1 and I spent ages choosing it and I thought it beautiful and also bought one for DD2. I didn't think it would matter that it was in the sale - it's not inferior in any way and quite frankly after you not getting anything for DD1 I don't think you can get on your high horse about presents.. you're being a prick so grow up. In future instead of all presents I'll donate to charity and wish you to do the same. Thanks.

But calling him a prick might not help relations! Grin

Let us know how they react to the charity suggestion though!

pigletmania · 20/09/2011 16:25

That's good at least thAt will help them realise how stupid they are. Only idiots pay full price

babynamesgrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 20/09/2011 16:44

Never happened. How would they know you didn't buy it the day before it went on sale?

Ariesgirl · 20/09/2011 17:43

Blimey Blush Hello JodieHarsh. Forgive me, but I'm so insecure I always suspect sarcasm when someone is nice to me!

rhondajean · 20/09/2011 19:54

I first read this thread yesterday at work (at lunchtime!) and didnt have time to respond so I had to come along tonight just to get my tupporth in because my jaw actually fell open when I read the OP.

What on earth??????

Your SIL would haaaaate me because I rarely buy anything full price for presents, its a matter of pride to me to see what the best thing I can get for my money for you is. What a bizarre - as well as nasty - woman!

Im delighted to see MN getting behind you and I think you have handled the whole thing beautifully and much much better than I would have in the circumstances so well done. I am now going to add this to watch in the hope you come back and tell us what the response was!!

thefirstMrsDeVere · 20/09/2011 20:19

Hmmmmmm

Something wrong with that donation page - cant sort it out.

So here is another link if anyone wants to donate www.clicsargent.org.uk/Getinvolved/Donate

thefirstMrsDeVere · 20/09/2011 20:20

BTW just gave my £20.

Thanks to the OP for her thread.

Original poster
artigiano · 20/09/2011 21:09

Thank you everyone for your advice and support and fingers crossed I can resolve this without making things worse. Not hugely optimistic but you never know. Watch this space.

I have donated to clicsargent the firstMrsDeVere, just a wonderful wonderful cause and will be sending more donations that way. Thank you!

OP posts:
Petisa · 20/09/2011 21:24

Well done OP!

Tewkespeggy · 20/09/2011 21:25

i've just noticed that the op's name is artigiano.... a company that i used to work for.

i'd like to change my advice, if you are indeed affiliated to that company.
Birds of a feather flock together.
fashion is obviously important to you/them.
yes - a sale item is ovbiously an insult to them because of thier shallow self importance.
what goes around comes around

for anyone who lives in the real world.... i'd be thrilled if my daughter got a pressie that you had paid £20 for, regardless of which 'sesaon' it belonged to

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