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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have bought a birthday present in the sale?

208 replies

artigiano · 19/09/2011 11:51

I bought my two year old niece a pure silk and beaded dress from John Lewis for her birthday. It is exactly the sort of dress she would wear. I also bought one for my own DD2 whose birthday is around the same time because I thought they were so gorgeous. DD1 and I spent an hour choosing those dresses together. They were in the sale and were originally £40 and I bought them for £20 each. To be honest, I wouldn't have wanted to spend any more since I feel that children of that age outgrow clothes so quickly and it seems wasteful to spend more on something they will wear a handful of times (and will probably stain immediately).

My mother then speaks to me, very upset indeed and tells me that my brother and sister in law have asked her to pass on a message that they wish me to return the dress since they don't like their children wearing"discount" clothes. My sister in law had actually made the effort to go to the shop to check how much I had spent!!! If I had spent the full £40, the present would have been acceptable to her.

I feel so upset and humiliated.

I just buy their children things that I would buy my own and that I think they would like. In fact , I usually buy their daughter what I have bought my own DD2 for her birthday.

I quite often buy my own children things I have bought in the sale: I gave my DD1 a bag (reduced to £20) from the Cath Kidston sale for her birthday. Again, this is something I would not have bought full price.

To make matters worse, my brother and sister in law have bought my DC some pretty horrible things (eg a bizarre candle making set designed for adults) and did not acknowledge my DD1's spring birthday this year at all. I have never said anything to them and tbh this doesn't bother me. i always accept presents with a thanks and a smile, always. It is just basic good manners isn't it?

Was I unreasonable to have bought a birthday present in the sale? Should I have spent more? I feel so humiliated. I can't face seeing them. What shall I do now?

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 19/09/2011 13:09

You have done absolutely nothing inappropriate, they sound toxic. As you've further revealed that they have form for being wankers; ignore the next birthday. You can't get any worse abuse than they gave you this time, can you? When your neice is s bit older you can liase with her yourself as to what she would like.

GetOutMyPub · 19/09/2011 13:09

Grin like the idea of taking the dress back & spending the £20 in Primark, or Asda/Tescos Grin well done clumsymum

BatmanLovesRobin · 19/09/2011 13:09

There is nothing wrong with buying a gift in the sale. Gifts should be accepted with grace - they are not an entitlement.

YADNBU.

I wouldn't be 'waiting to see if they are unacceptable' in the future either. I would buy the gift, and if any complaints came my way (other than things like the wrong size obv) they would get short shrift. And I'm quite a meek person!!

whoneedssleepanyway · 19/09/2011 13:10

OP that is the height of rudeness....I cannot believe it.

I would like to say in those circumstances I would do what everyone suggests and take it back and keep the money but in reality I hate confrontation and would probably pop the receipt in the post for them to do with as they will....

How totally ungrateful of them, really vile.

whoneedssleepanyway · 19/09/2011 13:11

BTW your SIL's logic is bizarre, she would have preferred you to buy her DD a £20 dress at full price than a £40 dress which is bound to be much nicer....she sounds bonkers as well as rude.

mollymole · 19/09/2011 13:12

what incredibly rude, ignorant people they are - you would do well without them

purplepidjinawoollytangle · 19/09/2011 13:14

artigiano I have a very long fuse, take lots of shit I shouldn't have from people - this would be a deal breaker for me. They are utterly unreasonable to send messages like that through your mother, it's completely unfair to put her in that position. I suggest that you communicate directly with them - phone or email if you can't face it in person - and smash up all those eggshells. They're adults, treat them and expect them to behave as such!

A present is a present, YANBU to buy in the sale and it's not your fault if the item you want to buy someone has been reduced by the shop.

The etiquette is that you thank the giver for the gift. You do not check where it was bought nor how much for. I suggest that you get your DN's a small pack of sweets and a card in future. Ignore birthdays and christmas presents for the adults.

gramercy · 19/09/2011 13:15

I think your mother is in the wrong, too. I know you say she is in poor health, but she should never have passed on such an insulting message. It's one thing for her to nod in agreement with your brother and sil to keep the peace, but quite another to upset you. I would tell her so, calmly and firmly.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 19/09/2011 13:15

I always bargain hunt for presents, I think of it as part of the gift; i.e., not only am I spending $20 but also a lot of my time and care in ensuring that the $20 goes as far as humanly possible.

Don't buy gift vouchers in the future. I like the savings account idea, because none of this is your niece's fault, but I certainly don't think your brother and SIL deserve to be pandered to like this.

stealthsquiggle · 19/09/2011 13:19

My lovely friend who is DS's godmother usually gets my DC clothes - last year she gave up on the ever-increasing gap between their real ages and clothes sizes, and sent them vouchers. She was delighted (as was I) when I reported that the sale had started by the time they spent them, so they were able to get a complete outfit each.

That is normal. OP, your DB and SIL are not. On second thoughts, I would send them the receipt with a note saying "in future, if you have an issue with me, please do not involve DM as it is not fair on her"

As for future presents - not sure (I don't think I could bring myself to not buy presents for related DC just because their parents are obnoxious) - home-made / hand-made things which can't be returned or priced, maybe?

TheBride · 19/09/2011 13:20

Call your brother. When he picks up the phone say "You are a spineless twat and you're dead to me. Don't contact me again you avaricious cunt.... What? Avaricious. It means....oh just look it up."

Succubi · 19/09/2011 13:22

I am shocked. How utterly ungrateful.

minipen · 19/09/2011 13:23

I hope your SIL is on here and reads peoples opinions, what a vulgar reaction

TheBride · 19/09/2011 13:27

Btw OP- take comfort in the fact that you are most definitely in the right as this is a unanimous YANBU- MN has very very few Grin.

Your SIL is weird.

pigletmania · 19/09/2011 13:28

It is disgusting the way you have been treated by your Sil and family. I would love those gifts for dd discount or not. I would talk to your brother and mum too and never buy anything for them again

chocolatchaud · 19/09/2011 13:29

They are disgracefully rude.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with buying a present in a sale - as has been pointed out, they are getting something that you wouldn't otherwise buy - we all have budgets!

I honestly would never buy any of them a present again (or speak to them!)

WilsonFrickett · 19/09/2011 13:30

OP please read what piprabbit said - she it spot on Smile

moajab · 19/09/2011 13:31

Don't be bullied into spending more money or buying anything you don't want to buy. I think the treading on egg shells around them should stop. If they don't like your gifts they don't get anything. What sort of message are they giving their dd if they treat people like this? Especially when your own DD was involved in choosing the present - it's doubly ungrateful. I agree with a previous poster about donating to a charity instead. How about at Christmas putting together a shoe box for Operation Christmas Child (Samaritans Purse) You and your DDs can have fun picking out small inexpensive items and wrapping the box happy in the knowledge that it's going to a child who will be over the moon to be getting a present, rather than wasting time, energy and money on a gift that you know will never be seen as good enough by this ungrateful pair.

Pakdooik · 19/09/2011 13:33

Unbelievable. Tell your brother and his wife to go screw themselves and tell your mum not be assist them in being wankers.

holidaysoon · 19/09/2011 13:34

Your SiL is nuts

Your dm should not have passed on the message while she does things wont change

Things wont change anyway

Buying discounted presents makes sound financial senseas well as getting more for your money etc etc

I'd be tempted to return the gift and treat your dds and yourself.

I love the idea of something cheap and crappy from primark but I prefer regifting the candle making kit and sticking £10 in an account and giving it to dn when she is 18 (and she will too TBH)

chin up!

holidaysoon · 19/09/2011 13:36

oh if you've used the candle making kit
def. an Oxfam type gift

one charity was offering something like 100 school dinners for £6

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 19/09/2011 13:42

Take the stuff back, buy yourself something nice, don't give them presents ever again.

And fuck 'All complaints are passed through my mother.' (incidentally, it sounds as if there are a lot of them!) Contact one or both of them direct and tell them that if they have something to say to you, they can say it to your face, and that your mother is unwell and is not to be bothered with messages to pass on.

wellwisher · 19/09/2011 13:45

With the exception of a couple of very good friends who are eco-conscious and keen recyclers and therefore actually prefer second-hand things, I wouldn't want someone to know I'd got their present in the sale. I do look out for discounts but if I were giving someone something that I'd got cheaply, I would remove any price tags that revealed that!

However, to reject any present is unspeakably rude. It sounds like someone needs to stand up to your appalling B and SIL - why does everyone walk on eggshells around them? I would go round there to take the dress back, and while you're there tell them how rude they've been, and ask them not to involve your sensitive, unwell mother in their toxic, ill-mannered crap. And don't get them or their children any more presents.

Eglu · 19/09/2011 13:47

I am beyond shocked that they would behave in such a manner. More fool them for only ever buying full price.

As others have said do not give vouchers/cash in future. If you must give something do as a pp said and get a small bag of sweets. I know it is a shame for your DN, but if you DB and SIL are so awful it is the way it will have to be.

I honestly would not speak to them though.

LotteryWinnersOnAcid · 19/09/2011 13:49

Unbelievable. Return the dress and use the money to buy your DC something nice. Then use all money you would spend in future buying presents for their DC on your DC instead. Not their DCs fault the parents are so warped, but unfortunately their parents' attitude is bound to instill them with a warped sense of logic and odd values too. Again, not your problem.

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