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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have bought a birthday present in the sale?

208 replies

artigiano · 19/09/2011 11:51

I bought my two year old niece a pure silk and beaded dress from John Lewis for her birthday. It is exactly the sort of dress she would wear. I also bought one for my own DD2 whose birthday is around the same time because I thought they were so gorgeous. DD1 and I spent an hour choosing those dresses together. They were in the sale and were originally £40 and I bought them for £20 each. To be honest, I wouldn't have wanted to spend any more since I feel that children of that age outgrow clothes so quickly and it seems wasteful to spend more on something they will wear a handful of times (and will probably stain immediately).

My mother then speaks to me, very upset indeed and tells me that my brother and sister in law have asked her to pass on a message that they wish me to return the dress since they don't like their children wearing"discount" clothes. My sister in law had actually made the effort to go to the shop to check how much I had spent!!! If I had spent the full £40, the present would have been acceptable to her.

I feel so upset and humiliated.

I just buy their children things that I would buy my own and that I think they would like. In fact , I usually buy their daughter what I have bought my own DD2 for her birthday.

I quite often buy my own children things I have bought in the sale: I gave my DD1 a bag (reduced to £20) from the Cath Kidston sale for her birthday. Again, this is something I would not have bought full price.

To make matters worse, my brother and sister in law have bought my DC some pretty horrible things (eg a bizarre candle making set designed for adults) and did not acknowledge my DD1's spring birthday this year at all. I have never said anything to them and tbh this doesn't bother me. i always accept presents with a thanks and a smile, always. It is just basic good manners isn't it?

Was I unreasonable to have bought a birthday present in the sale? Should I have spent more? I feel so humiliated. I can't face seeing them. What shall I do now?

OP posts:
notsofastmrbond · 19/09/2011 20:01

Read the thread FabbyChic!

"My sister in law had actually made the effort to go to the shop to check how much I had spent!!! "

HerdOfTinyElephants · 19/09/2011 20:04

DS and DD1 both love getting clothes (DD2 is too young to have an opinion yet).

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 19/09/2011 20:05

Me saying no-one would think YABU was obviously a red rag to Fabby.

picnicbasketcase · 19/09/2011 20:08

I have a present put aside for my mother for Christmas - a pretty necklace and earrings set that should have been £20 but were reduced to £4 in the sale. It wouldn't make any difference to her which price I paid, it's very 'her' and she will love it.

I don't see what difference it would make to anyone what an item costs, it's about the thought that has gone into it, the fact that someone has seen something nice and bought it knowing the recipient will like it. The 'value' of the present hasn't changed just because the shop has reduced the price.

I can't imagine anyone ever being so unutterably rude and ungrateful. Angry on your behalf. And I think the idea of giving to charity instead is perfect. Anyone who would object to that truly awful and not worth your time or effort ever again.

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 19/09/2011 20:13

I used to get a it hung up on spending the same amount on people until I realised it was silly and it really is the thought that counts

moolie1 · 19/09/2011 20:14

My sister is like that, always asking how much the present cost, she even got to the stage, where she would ring up before her children's birthdays and ask if she could come shopping with me, to choose what to get themShock, I always put thought into my presents, sale or no sale and it was never good enough. Once for her birthday, she pissed me off so much, I brought her a horse book from the charity shop, used of course, left the 60p price tag on and gave to her for her birthday, she got the hint! So now all I give is cards and a book token.

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 19/09/2011 20:16

another suggestion

BrandyAlexander · 19/09/2011 20:33

Words fail me. I would be livid with all three of them (including dm for passing on the message) and never buy another present again. Yadnbu

naughtyorouttacontrol · 19/09/2011 20:37

They are BU not you. They are lucky you bought a present and it is very very rude that they are checking the price of gifts that you bought their child.

iscream · 19/09/2011 21:33

There is nothing wrong with finding a great buy. Your db and sil are very rude. Please, for your dm's sake, call them up and tell them if they have a message for you, to not involve your mother in it, and to have the guys to tell you themselves. And tell your dm to say that she does not want to be involved, it is between them and you.

I would not buy the parents anything ever again. The charity presents are a great idea for your dn for now, once she is about 11, you can simply give her some spending money in a card.

cerealqueen · 19/09/2011 22:05

As everybody else has said, YANBU. What do they think discounted clothes will do to their DD?

It must be easy to be a rude fucker if you always get somebody else to relay your crap. Tell them that if they have something to say, say it to you directly, then you can tell the directly what you think.

Original poster
artigiano · 19/09/2011 22:40

Hi! thank you so much for all your suggestions. I do not know what i would have done without Mumsnet. I felt that I couldn't confide in friends in case they thought I was a cheapskate and in case I had broken some unknown rule of etiquette.

I have now taken the dress back, and my DD2's dress too (did not want to look at them) and despite having no receipt (couldn't find it and didn't imagine i would be returning anything), JL gave me a full refund (think they felt sorry for me as I rambled on as to why they were being returned, as well as shocked "can't believe what you're saying").

I think the complaint made by brother and sister in law was quite simply that the gift was "discount" and they felt insulted in some way. When sister in law opened the parcel, she smiled and thanked me. Hence I was just utterly flabbergasted when my mother spoke to me two days later (after my sister in law had found out that it was a sale item).

There would have been no problem or complaint had I bought that dress full price.

Anyway, I have decided to donate the gift proceeds to charity (thank you the first Mrs De Vere and I will send it to clicsargent cancer care). I will also tell my brother and sister in law that I would prefer from now on to make donations to this charity in lieu of presents for their DC and likewise I would prefer if they make donations to charity rather than buy gifts for my DC. DD1 (who helped to choose the dress with such love and enthusiasm) has said she would be more than happy for this to happen when I asked her.

Maybe they will get some sort of message.

I also spoke to DM who is making herself ill over this. I asked her please not to get involved in the future and she has agreed.

OP posts:
thefirstMrsDeVere · 19/09/2011 22:42

Thank you. I will now make a donation of £20 to clic too Smile

piprabbit · 19/09/2011 22:48

WTF would your SIL do if you had bought the dress full price but it had been reduced in the shop by the time you handed over the gift.

I often buy stuff which I think someone will love, and then tuck it a way for a couple of month.

Your SIL is seriously odd.

I think you have made a very sensible decision on the way forward. Well done.

Original poster
artigiano · 19/09/2011 22:50

It's a wonderful cause the firstMrsDeVere and hey actually my kids have enough toys and clothes.

OP posts:
thefirstMrsDeVere · 19/09/2011 22:54

I think it can be very very hard to stand up to family even when they are being obviously unreasonable bonkers

So jolly well done

Smile
YouWinOrYouDie · 19/09/2011 23:05

Jaysus, your SIL is a massive cunt an odd sort.

I have similar family members. I like the idea of donating to a good cause in their name.

YellowDave · 19/09/2011 23:08

YAsoNBU. Think your response to them was very dignified but precisely because of that they are not going to get it are they?

Sniggered loudly at my laptop at ninedragons:

'Tap shoes if they have wooden floors, a three-kilo tub of glitter if they have carpet.

Or five bottles of food colouring and a SuperSoaker.'

GrinGrinGrin

Very disappointed you didn't do this but then again when they come back all insulted about the charity gift (and they will because this is about belittling and controlling you as much as the present) you can go for this as the fall back option and add a little note to them in the card saying 'Be careful what you wish for' Grin

PerAr6ua · 19/09/2011 23:14

Oh well done Artigiano! I was Shock at your first post. Hope you let us know what the response from SIL is though [nosy] Grin

And hope your DM keeps herself out of it Smile

lurkerspeaks · 20/09/2011 00:12

YANBU

I have the opposite problem - I have a present box and often pick up some really good stuff in sales for friends or their children.

I then have to explain rather shamefacedly that I didn't really spend full price in Little White Company (or some other similarly expensive shop) on stuff for their precious child and that the only reason they are getting that present is that it was a bargain.

My best one was Laura Ashley kids bedsets reduced from 50 quid to 15. That was the year most of the kids got 'big boy/girl' bedsets so it was really good timing.

stealthsquiggle · 20/09/2011 08:09

well done, Artigiano. Sorry you had to go through all the upset, but an excellent response. I am nosy curious as to if/how they respond, but the moral high ground is well snd truly yours.

stealthsquiggle · 20/09/2011 08:12

well done, Artigiano. Sorry you had to go through all the upset, but an excellent response. I am nosy curious as to if/how they respond, but the moral high ground is well snd truly yours.

allhailtheaubergine · 20/09/2011 08:21

OP - I have to ask; why on earth were you upset and humiliated and wondering if you were in the wrong? Why weren't you gobsmacked and furious and ranting? Genuine question. I find your reaction to such a black & white case of pure arseholery extraordinary.

TurkeyBurgerThing · 20/09/2011 08:23

What a silly, stupid little cow. YADNBU! No way. How ungrateful can someone be?! I honestly can't believe your SIL is such a snotty, snobby little cretin. Take the dress back and don't bother buying their kids anything again.

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife · 20/09/2011 08:38

Totally out of order from the SIL!
I would be happy to support MrsDeVere and notsofastmrbond.
If op donated the money and we all did some as well, not only would clicksargeant do ridiculously well, OP's SIL might realise what a precious cow she's been compared to everyone else.