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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have bought a birthday present in the sale?

208 replies

artigiano · 19/09/2011 11:51

I bought my two year old niece a pure silk and beaded dress from John Lewis for her birthday. It is exactly the sort of dress she would wear. I also bought one for my own DD2 whose birthday is around the same time because I thought they were so gorgeous. DD1 and I spent an hour choosing those dresses together. They were in the sale and were originally £40 and I bought them for £20 each. To be honest, I wouldn't have wanted to spend any more since I feel that children of that age outgrow clothes so quickly and it seems wasteful to spend more on something they will wear a handful of times (and will probably stain immediately).

My mother then speaks to me, very upset indeed and tells me that my brother and sister in law have asked her to pass on a message that they wish me to return the dress since they don't like their children wearing"discount" clothes. My sister in law had actually made the effort to go to the shop to check how much I had spent!!! If I had spent the full £40, the present would have been acceptable to her.

I feel so upset and humiliated.

I just buy their children things that I would buy my own and that I think they would like. In fact , I usually buy their daughter what I have bought my own DD2 for her birthday.

I quite often buy my own children things I have bought in the sale: I gave my DD1 a bag (reduced to £20) from the Cath Kidston sale for her birthday. Again, this is something I would not have bought full price.

To make matters worse, my brother and sister in law have bought my DC some pretty horrible things (eg a bizarre candle making set designed for adults) and did not acknowledge my DD1's spring birthday this year at all. I have never said anything to them and tbh this doesn't bother me. i always accept presents with a thanks and a smile, always. It is just basic good manners isn't it?

Was I unreasonable to have bought a birthday present in the sale? Should I have spent more? I feel so humiliated. I can't face seeing them. What shall I do now?

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 19/09/2011 13:57

I think you have a decision to make here, either put up with the status quo in your family dynamic and kowtow to their demands. In this case, give money every year, smile and nod and say nothing but seethe inside.

Or make a stand now. Call your brother and tell him firmly how rude, ridiculous and downright odd their behaviour is. Tell him how little you appreciate their behaviour and that you will not be sending presents any more, but will be saving for your neice or whatever. Tell him not to bother sending their frankly insulting gifts any more, and to leave your mother out of it. Then ignore them for the forseeable. Then call your mother, and say that whilst you appreciate she feels in a difficult position it is grossly unfair that you have to tiptoe around their rude demands. In future she is not to pass on any stupidity from them as you don't want to hear it. Whatever you say, she is tacitly agreeing with them by passing on messages and refusing to stand up for you, this isn't acceptable IMO.

Either send them a gift receipt or take it back and do something fun with DD.

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 19/09/2011 14:05

The thing is the present was for the dn. She has not said she doesn't like it (the barking sil hasn't said she doesn't like it only that it wasn't full price).

Personally I would leave it with them,do not return it to the shop etc. you bought a gift which has been objected to in a rude and highly inappropriate manner. Let them deal with it....

As for christmas presents I would continue to bargin hunt (and probably add a reduced price sticker if I couln't find something lovely in the sale Wink Grin) Your dn is not at fault here and shouldn't be made to suffer because of her difficult mother (it may well be that she adds enough stress to her life already.).

Continue as you are, their outburst should not result in a chnage in your perfectly reasonable behaviour.

MackerelOfFact · 19/09/2011 14:10

They are bonkers. Why does it make a blind bit of difference to them whether £20 passed between yourselves and John Lewis, or £40?

A friend treated me to Pizza Express recently. I brought along a 2for1 voucher. She said she'd thought about doing the same but didn't want to seem tight. Would I have enjoyed my pizza more if she'd given Pizza Express an extra tenner? Of course not.

RJRabbit · 19/09/2011 14:12

Next time you see them, wave an imaginary magic wand and exclaim "ABRACADABRA!!!!"

"Nope, still a bitch".

LikeACandleButNotQuite · 19/09/2011 14:19

Return the dress and, on principal alone, buy the vilest outfit from John Lewis for the DD for the £20. When you drop it off, say to the mother "hope this is a more satsfactory use of the money....such a shame as the other dress was so much nicer and better quality, what with it origionally being more expensive, but hey ho, we all have our "things" to be precious about".

Just send a card / token gesture the next years.

Cheria · 19/09/2011 14:20

I am Shock by your thread. You poor thing.

  1. There is nothing wrong with buying gifts in the sale. Like this the gift receiver receives more for your cash
  1. Your DB and SIL are incredibly rude, and even more so for involving your mother
  1. Continue buying gifts for DN as you see fit. If her parents want to return them they can. Make sure DN has a loving birthday card as well which she may well teasure longer than any gift anyway.
  1. Write to your brother and sis in law and tell them how rude and snobbish they appear to be. They may be prickly (I have a lot of prickly siblings) but treading on eggshells around them allows them to be bullies. Give it to them straight, and tell them to fuck off if they continue to treat you like shit. This is something I have only just learned to do with my siblings. They hate me for standing up to them, but at least I don't feel like a doormat anymore.
  1. I don't know why I numbered my response. I hope I don't come across a right twat
mewantcookiesmenocanwait · 19/09/2011 14:34

Obviously YANBU, but this situation is so completely bonkers that if I were you I'd be inclined to make sure that your mother hasn't got her wires crossed somehow. Perhaps I'm trying far too hard to be nice, but it's vaguely conceivable that they weren't keen on the dress or it didn't fit, and they tried to take it back. Without the receipt they'd only get the sale price for it, so perhaps they were really checking whether you paid full price and, if so, asking you to take it back so they could get the full value. Or erm, something else equally unlikely but vaguely possible.

It's either something like that or they're about the biggest cunts I've ever heard tell of.

dragdownthemoon · 19/09/2011 14:39

you brother and sister-in-law are awful. YANBU!!! utterly ridiculous. it'd be the last present any of them would ever get from me.

PepperPigsPorkScratchings · 19/09/2011 14:40

i would tell them to go kiss me arse to grow up and that they obviously have more money than sense fools

im always grateful for clothes especially 2nd hand ones that people i know kids have grown out of, kids are only in them for a few weeks they grow so fast!

but to take a prezzie back Shock

she sounds like a horrible person. your not being unreasonable, you live in the REAL world!!! xxxxx

WiiUnfit · 19/09/2011 14:40

I like RJRabbit's suggestion Grin

artigiano, your DM shouldn't be put in that situation then at all. I wasn't sure if she was sort of on their side IYSWIM? I agree with others who have said ask B&SIL not to involve her in their pettiness in future as it is not fair. They sound like arseholes, I would avoid them as much as possible & yy to the picture of your DD looking stunning in the dress on display at your Mum's!

YWNBU to buy a gift in the sale at all. As others have said, effectively she has got a £40 gift that you may not have bought otherwise. It is in no way a 'lesser gift'.

Next birthday, buy them something really messy with glitter, sequins, glue, paint .etc, take it round to their house & open it with them then help them insist on using it right that second & contribute to the carnage! Grin

PepperPigsPorkScratchings · 19/09/2011 14:42

wii unfit - brilliant idea playdough is good very messy gets stuck in carpet sounds AWESOME :o :o xxx

stealthsquiggle · 19/09/2011 14:46

one word - moonsand Grin

PepperPigsPorkScratchings · 19/09/2011 14:50

GelliBaff Grin

thefirstmrsrochester · 19/09/2011 14:55

yy to moonsand.
If my brother behaved like this I would not speak to him again.
If they dont like their kids to wear discounted clothes, then more fool them. As the dress came from John Lewis I am sure they can get a credit note and purchase something acceptable to them.
What a shocking attitude to have.
You say the family tiptoe on egg shells around him. Why? To keep the peace? Its not worth it op.
Sorry, but they sound like utter arseholes who do not deserve you & your dm.

thefirstmrsrochester · 19/09/2011 14:58

Oh, and you cant face seeing them?
It should be your brother & SIL who cannot look you in the eye but I suspect they think their actions are entirely reasonable.
Dont take the dress back - if they want to return it, then its up to them. Ungrateful sods.

exaspomum · 19/09/2011 15:00

Not wearing "discount" clothes is daft - they're the same as the full price clothes with the benefit of you having more money in your pocket. It would be different if you'd bought something not very nice JUST because it was in a sale. John Lewis' profits are down this year - they're an expensive shop. Your poor SIL is obviously not a a happy person if she has nothing better to complain about than this dress. A symptom of some problem she has surely. Hopefully she'll acquire more wisdom as the years go by..... Try not to dwell on it (easier said than done I know).

lynniep · 19/09/2011 15:00

is this for real?? cheeky fing bards!

melpomene · 19/09/2011 15:03

YANBU at all and they sound very shallow.

For my niece's first birthday I gave her a present that cost 5p(!) from a charity shop. It was a "That's not my..." board book from a charity shop, which looked brand new and unused. I knew she would like it and that was all that mattered - she wouldn't care or have any concept of the fact that I hadn't spent full price on it.

Fillybuster · 19/09/2011 15:05

Moonsand. Or those annoying beads that you need to iron on to things, that get everywhere.

Definitely.

ninedragons · 19/09/2011 15:21

I'm liking the moonsand suggestions.

Or may I suggest a big drum? An incredibly annoying electronic toy with no volume control? GBP20 worth of Bratz clothing?

The passive-aggressive shall inherit the earth.

HerdOfTinyElephants · 19/09/2011 15:26

The big advantage of moonsand/playdough/drum kits is that your niece (who is an innocent party in all this) will love them every bit as much as your brother and SIL hate them. So, technically, you aren't even being particularly evil...

ninedragons · 19/09/2011 15:31

Tap shoes if they have wooden floors, a three-kilo tub of glitter if they have carpet.

Or five bottles of food colouring and a SuperSoaker.

minimisschief · 19/09/2011 17:00

Tell her that if your gift spending is not to her satisfaction then she can expect no gifts forthcoming.

chinam · 19/09/2011 17:02

YADNBU, your brother and SIL are greedy and incredibley rude.
BTW, I wouldn't like to offend some of you, especially nine dragons with her three kilo tub of glitter Grin

Chundle · 19/09/2011 17:33

Omg I simply cannot believe their rudeness! I have a very wealthy aunty but she always always always does he Xmas shopping and bday shopping in the sales throughout the year and she has no shame in telling me :) she buys my girls lovely stuff and I don't care that it didn't cost her full price (even though she is minted!)
It's the thought that counts!
In future conveniently forget their birthdays or buy some very messy play activities!