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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have bought a birthday present in the sale?

208 replies

artigiano · 19/09/2011 11:51

I bought my two year old niece a pure silk and beaded dress from John Lewis for her birthday. It is exactly the sort of dress she would wear. I also bought one for my own DD2 whose birthday is around the same time because I thought they were so gorgeous. DD1 and I spent an hour choosing those dresses together. They were in the sale and were originally £40 and I bought them for £20 each. To be honest, I wouldn't have wanted to spend any more since I feel that children of that age outgrow clothes so quickly and it seems wasteful to spend more on something they will wear a handful of times (and will probably stain immediately).

My mother then speaks to me, very upset indeed and tells me that my brother and sister in law have asked her to pass on a message that they wish me to return the dress since they don't like their children wearing"discount" clothes. My sister in law had actually made the effort to go to the shop to check how much I had spent!!! If I had spent the full £40, the present would have been acceptable to her.

I feel so upset and humiliated.

I just buy their children things that I would buy my own and that I think they would like. In fact , I usually buy their daughter what I have bought my own DD2 for her birthday.

I quite often buy my own children things I have bought in the sale: I gave my DD1 a bag (reduced to £20) from the Cath Kidston sale for her birthday. Again, this is something I would not have bought full price.

To make matters worse, my brother and sister in law have bought my DC some pretty horrible things (eg a bizarre candle making set designed for adults) and did not acknowledge my DD1's spring birthday this year at all. I have never said anything to them and tbh this doesn't bother me. i always accept presents with a thanks and a smile, always. It is just basic good manners isn't it?

Was I unreasonable to have bought a birthday present in the sale? Should I have spent more? I feel so humiliated. I can't face seeing them. What shall I do now?

OP posts:
WiiUnfit · 19/09/2011 12:44

P.S. YADNBU. They are. You shouldn't have spent more, they are ungrateful idiots.

starfishmummy · 19/09/2011 12:46

Good grief.

FrenchRuby · 19/09/2011 12:47

That's so horrible! I'd take it back and spend the money on your kids. If they can't be grateful then they should get nothing at all.

thestringcheeseincident · 19/09/2011 12:49

I would NEVER buy for them again. What wankers.

DrSeuss · 19/09/2011 12:50

Everything evryone else said! How rude!

I buy a lot of gifts from ebay/in the sale/from factory outlets etc. This allows me to get the person a nicer gift, IMO, as I can get better stuff for the same budget.

Next time, send a card, if you can be bothered.

maxybrown · 19/09/2011 12:53

Yikes, I'd be happy with second hand! In fact i often tell my friends when they ask for ideas for DS to look out for certain things second hand. Cheeky beggars, tell them to take a running jump

unreasonableme · 19/09/2011 12:54

They are BVU. I bought my goddaughter a dress in the Harrod's sale when she was barely a year old. The dress was for a 4yo. But it was £150 down to £40, Italian silk. How could I say no? She got it for her 3rd birthday, with her parents fully aware of when I'd bought it and for how much, and they were thrilled it was such a bargain. In fact the mother is keeping it for when I have a daughter!

SootySweepandSue · 19/09/2011 12:55

I imagine SIL tried to return the dress that's how she found out it's value.

I feel so angry on your behalf I almost wish they would fall on hard times and see how the rest of us live.

(I hardly ever buy at full price unless it's a coat or something I know will be worn to death...or Boden which sells for a pretty penny on eBay).

maras2 · 19/09/2011 12:56

I've never heard anything so pathetic and hateful.That dress sounded lovely and well done you for getting it half price.Your DB and SIL are ............ sorry words fail me.Christ knows how their kids will grow up with these morons for parents.

missmartha · 19/09/2011 12:58

Please don't feel unset and humiliated. You should be feeling angry.

I despair at the mentality of some people like your brother and SiL.

Good grief.

NinkyNonker · 19/09/2011 12:59

Wow, just wow! I don't swear, but they can fuck right off! Shocking. And also, my mother is very indulgent of my little sister but she would nip this right in the bud and certainly wouldn't pass it to me, a Sharp word would have been needed. If they had a prob they should tell you themselves.

I second returning the dress and keeping the money. Just a card and a tenner from now on.

Original poster
artigiano · 19/09/2011 12:59

I was really upset that my mother (who is very loving and soft and kind hearted) passed on this message but she obviously felt she had to pacify them. She is not in the best of health and I felt just awful for her. The word "discounted" was a direct quote from my brother. My brother and sister in law are historically very prickly and we all tread on eggshells around them. All complaints are passed through my mother. I can deal with this though i did ask her after this latest episode not to get involved not least because it distresses her so much and has after all, nothing whatsoever to do with her.

My concern is whether I was unreasonable buying a gift in the sale. What is the etiquette of this? Are people right to get offended when they are given something that has been "discounted"? is that a lesser gift? So thanks for all your responses!! To be honest, I could have bought that dress at full price but just wouldn't have- not for their DD nor indeed for mine.

What do I do for their children's future birthdays? I suppose I could hand over gift tokens/ cash (if so, how much?) but I feel that I will have been humiliated into doing so. I will have been taught a lesson as far as they are concerned. On the other hand, I can't face buying gifts and waiting to see if they are acceptable and knowing that they might be checking how much I'd spent.

Thanks everyone again.

OP posts:
JodieHarsh · 19/09/2011 13:02
Shock

I don't think you should ever speak to them again, actually. Because as someone said upthread this has fuckall to do with discounted birthday gifts and everything to do with your being bullied and belittled by your family.

Am SEETHING on your behalf and I hope SIL gets terminal thrush.

Clumsymum · 19/09/2011 13:03

Of course, you could take the item back, and use the money to buy your neice something full-price from Primark ???

No your SIL is a waste of oxygen, your mother should be ashamed of herself for actually carrying the message to you - she should have told SIL to get over herself, and you need to get on with your life. Buy nothing any more for their children, and don't expect anything from them for yours. You are probably better off without them.

Mumleigh · 19/09/2011 13:05

I would return the dress and use the money to buy one of those charity donation gifts like the Oxfam unwrapped ones or make a donation to a children's charity in your nieces name and send a note to say you have done it. Very odd behaviour indeed.

Midori1999 · 19/09/2011 13:07

It's even worse that they pass these messages on through your Mother and don't speak to you directly, it makes them sound like cowards as well as rude.

I would just send a card in future, then you won't need to worry about offending them with 'substandard' gifts... Hmm

wigglesrock · 19/09/2011 13:07

They are a disgrace, I am in a state of shock that people behave like that and I have a few choice knobbers in my family.

Ps I buy loads of presents in sales especially toys, see to be honest you sound lovely and would probably not take my advice to tell them they're not getting anything again Grin When it comes up to the next birthday, send a text asking them to let you know exactly what they would like you to buy for around £20 - this is what we do for my delightful sil!

Chipsycheese · 19/09/2011 13:07

Bloody rude. If you had bought something from the pound shop I'd have been grateful and so would my children.
And we would have said thank you.
YANBU.

GetOutMyPub · 19/09/2011 13:07

your b & sil are ignorant twats! They must live in a completely different world to the majority of us atm!

I would carry on buying discounted gifts! a £40 dress for £20 budget is a great buy. It is the thought that counts after all. You bought it because it was a pretty dress & not because it was discounted.

For what it is worth, nearly all my presents are discounted - some are even bought (new) at carboot sales and some dare I say it -REGIFTED!

Chocolategirl3 · 19/09/2011 13:07

I wouldn't hand over gift tokens or cash, i would get an age appropiate toy that doesn't cost the earth definitly under £20. Or even something from the same range as the candle making set your DD got!x

lazylula · 19/09/2011 13:07

When ever I can I buy presents in the sale. A couple of weeks ago ds1 had 3 birthdays to go to, all were 6 year olds. I have a budget of £5 per child for birthdays so in Wilkinsons they had reduced Frustration by 50% in their sale, consequently the birthday children got a £10 present for £5, they did well in my eyes! I also got my friend's dd1 a Baby Annabelle outfit from ebay, secondhand but my friend recommended I did this and the little girl was over the moon. You db and sil are being precious and rude and tbh I would be saying if you wish to take it back then fine, you get the money back and buy her something else as if I take it back, you will get nothing back in return.

NinkyNonker · 19/09/2011 13:07

Don't bother sending anything in that case. Or put a tenner into an account for her each birthday and hand it over when she turns 18. Then ignore your pathetic brother etc.

hester · 19/09/2011 13:08

Well, that's a pretty strong consensus that you are right and they are wrong. Not just wrong but strange: I cannot imagine how or why anyone would be bothered by receiving a sale item as a gift.

So no need to feel humiliated; none at all.

piprabbit · 19/09/2011 13:08

Artigiano, reduced items are not a lesser gift in anyway. They are simply a way of treating somebody to something nice which you would not otherwise have bought for them - a bit of a bonus if you like.

ImpYCelyn · 19/09/2011 13:08

Teach them a lesson instead. If you are ungrateful and rude people will not do nice things for you - no more presents for them or their family.

I buy all my nieces and nephews presents in sales (and DS's too). I set a budget and they get more if I buy reduced stuff. Nobody has ever complained.

Seeing as they don't buy your DDs anything (or anything nice) you could use the money you're saving on them instead.

They are not worth bothering with or worrying about.

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