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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

That "Matryr Mums" should maybe chill?

272 replies

Mitmoo · 14/09/2011 20:42

Martyr Mothers

They like to tell their children how much they've sacrificed for the children, how much they are giving up by putting their children first. I've heard the term before and seen some. I've just googled this and it got me wondering:

"You?ve just tidied your 10-year-olds bedroom, whipped up two batches of cookies for the school fete, bathed the dog, wrestled with sticky paper to cover your teenagers? school books, and realised you didn?t even stop for lunch today.

Does this sound just a little bit like you?

The martyrdom trap

All parents make some sacrifices for their children; it?s a normal part of parenthood. What?s not ok is when selfless sacrifices are taken to extremes, says Professor Matt Sanders, Clinical Psychologist, Founder of the Triple P Positive Parenting Program, and Director of the Parenting and Family Support Centre at University of Queensland.

?This is when parents fall into the martyrdom trap,? he says. ?Some parents suppress their own needs to such a degree that they become angry, miserable, and depressed,? he says.

Self sacrifice also has an evil twin that contributes to martyrdom ? over protectiveness, and when the two join forces martyrdom mayhem results.

Martyr mums want to protect their child, and do things for them, but what they?re inadvertently teaching their child is that they can?t do it for themselves.

What do you think, can you make too many sacrifices?

DO children have to fit in with out lives or do our lives change because we have children.

Where is the line?

OP posts:
Kayano · 14/09/2011 20:45

claps and cheers Grin

chibi · 14/09/2011 20:46

GOD yeah

Women are just so crap, especially the ones who are mothers, i mean doing stuff for their kids, brrrr

Parp

MumblingRagDoll · 14/09/2011 20:47

I think it sounds like a lot of labelly twaddle.

We can all come up with a title for the varous kinds of people in the world and then tack it onto parents.

I think some journo/blogger couldn't think of a better piece and so came up with that one.

Proudnscary · 14/09/2011 20:47

Why are you lecturing us?
Why are you asking so many questions?
What the bejeezus are you posting this for?

NinkyNonker · 14/09/2011 20:48

People can't win. This is just another stick to beat people with.

chibi · 14/09/2011 20:48

i told my kids look you lot i'm a trophy winning big game hunter and if you think i'm going to compromise that for you you can bloody think again now LOOK OUT HERE COMES A LION

gapants · 14/09/2011 20:48

Are you a Journo?

BatsUpMeNightie · 14/09/2011 20:48

Reads like something pulled straight from the internet and whaddya know.............

FFS - how about something in your own words?

therugratref · 14/09/2011 20:49

I think you can make sacrifices. It is when you resent making those sacrifices that it becomes toxic, for example giving up holidays to afford private schooling and harping on to the child about the sacrifices you have made for them.
Our lives invariably change when we have children the degree to which this happens depends on the individuals concerned.

MumblingRagDoll · 14/09/2011 20:49

Cannot bellieve that was written by a prof....it sounds like some old shite that a part time blogger came up with!

Kayano · 14/09/2011 20:49

It's about doing too much. ImE martyr mums are more likely to be still doing stuff fr trot adult kids who can't because their mum did everything for them

In fact, my mum was very much a martyr mum and I had a shock when I moved out and had to... Clean and stuff!

I think sometimes they do need to step back, not run themselves ragged and have a glass of wine lol

chibi · 14/09/2011 20:50

But me i'm just fricking marvellous like that, me, no martyring here no sir mm mmm

MumblingRagDoll · 14/09/2011 20:50

gaga No...OP is a regular.

Mitmoo · 14/09/2011 20:50

Some Martyr Mums though don't just do stuff for their kids, they try to make the kids feel guilty because they've sacrificed so much for the child/ren.

"Do you realise what I gave up for you to give you a b c d?"

"I did my best, I gave up a career, chance of big house, car to give you the best".

That kind of martyr mummying when the responsibility for bringing up the children they chose to have then gets visited on the children.

Not sure its healthy, well I don't think it is. If you resent the sacrifices then perhaps you shouldn't be making them in the first place.

OP posts:
tethersend · 14/09/2011 20:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Kayano · 14/09/2011 20:51

high fives Mitmoo

LeBOF · 14/09/2011 20:51

I don't know, Mitmoo, but whenever I read yet another of your threads inspired by current affairs, I increasingly find myself wondering if you work for The Daily Mash without realising?

MumblingRagDoll · 14/09/2011 20:51

Beatsmeup the OP was QUOTING it...she wasn't passing it off as her own!

reelingintheyears · 14/09/2011 20:51

Press the 'like' button for tethersend Grin

Salmotrutta · 14/09/2011 20:52

Did we really need a psychologist to tell us any of that?

Some people do a lot for their kids and some people don't.

I think we knew that already.

And my view of "doing too much for children" will most likely be very different from someone else's view.

It's all subjective.

PrinceRogersNelson · 14/09/2011 20:52

Do you know people who think that and say that to their children? I don't.

So, yeah, if people do that it's pretty bad. Just not convinced it is a phenomena is it?

GwennieF · 14/09/2011 20:52

I dunno - my DM is still banging on about how much she sacrificed for us and how we don't appreciate how much she gave up/missed out on. Am now approaching 40 and it is starting to get a little old! She wasn't like the OP describes but she was (and still tries to be) quite controlling.

Proudnscary · 14/09/2011 20:52

Mitmoo are you drunk?

UrsulaBuffayHere2Help · 14/09/2011 20:52

You just needed a Carrie Bradshaw...'I couldn't help but wonder...'

chibi · 14/09/2011 20:53

barrell scraping? sounded like a parpy lil whoopie cushion to me