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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

That "Matryr Mums" should maybe chill?

272 replies

Mitmoo · 14/09/2011 20:42

Martyr Mothers

They like to tell their children how much they've sacrificed for the children, how much they are giving up by putting their children first. I've heard the term before and seen some. I've just googled this and it got me wondering:

"You?ve just tidied your 10-year-olds bedroom, whipped up two batches of cookies for the school fete, bathed the dog, wrestled with sticky paper to cover your teenagers? school books, and realised you didn?t even stop for lunch today.

Does this sound just a little bit like you?

The martyrdom trap

All parents make some sacrifices for their children; it?s a normal part of parenthood. What?s not ok is when selfless sacrifices are taken to extremes, says Professor Matt Sanders, Clinical Psychologist, Founder of the Triple P Positive Parenting Program, and Director of the Parenting and Family Support Centre at University of Queensland.

?This is when parents fall into the martyrdom trap,? he says. ?Some parents suppress their own needs to such a degree that they become angry, miserable, and depressed,? he says.

Self sacrifice also has an evil twin that contributes to martyrdom ? over protectiveness, and when the two join forces martyrdom mayhem results.

Martyr mums want to protect their child, and do things for them, but what they?re inadvertently teaching their child is that they can?t do it for themselves.

What do you think, can you make too many sacrifices?

DO children have to fit in with out lives or do our lives change because we have children.

Where is the line?

OP posts:
gapants · 14/09/2011 20:53

mitmoo well....i think piling on that kind of shit on your kids is manipulative and damaging. Children want to feel safe, loved and happy. Working an extra job to keep the pony is a bag of shite.

zukiecat · 14/09/2011 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kayano · 14/09/2011 20:53

I think people automatically bash as soon as Mitmoo posts ANYTHING...

I think this does bring up some good points and you lit can be pretty mean to Mitmoo
Sometimes ?

Just my opinion

Salmotrutta · 14/09/2011 20:54

Where is the like button (which I'd like to press for tethersend)? Grin

reelingintheyears · 14/09/2011 20:54

Actually,if you really want to know..

My DC know exactly how i sacrificed my life/high flying career/emotional well being/looks/figure etc for them.

And they don't give a beefy eggo!Grin

Bless.

Salmotrutta · 14/09/2011 20:57

... I used to be a brain surgeon with a model figure and a carefree social life.

reelingintheyears · 14/09/2011 20:59

I've told them Salmotrutta....

I was young and thin once with money in the bank and my pocket.

And now..thanks to them i will be in the poor house before long.Angry

They just laugh in my face Grin

Salmotrutta · 14/09/2011 21:02

They just don't care!
.... ooh, I could get into this martyr stuff! Grin

SarahStratton · 14/09/2011 21:03

I was a top model. I never fail to tell the DDs how I sacrificed my fame, fortune and figure for them.

BatsUpMeNightie · 14/09/2011 21:03

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therugratref · 14/09/2011 21:04

I am pretty new here and have also noticed mitmoo gets jumped on. Can someone enlighten me as to why?
Even if it is C&P'ed from elsewhere it is still an interesting topic and there is a lot of pressure on parents to be perfect parents. Eg the whole homemade organic food thing was huge when mine were little and the jars were mostly orange goop, I had a toddler and twins and nearly killed myself making vats of organic puree in the depths of post natal depression and resented every butternut squash I had to peel. When DH came home with a jar or 10 of heinz I realised I was being silly and found a balance between the two options.

Salmotrutta · 14/09/2011 21:04

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Mitmoo · 14/09/2011 21:05

MumblingRagDoll gets the comprehension award You are correct I was quoting to open up debate, I do know a martyr mum in the sense that they tell the children how hard they worked, how much they gave up, the sacrifices they made to bring them up.

One of the Supernanny programmes featured a Martyr Mum which is why I googled it, the Supernanny actually got tearful as her Mum was a Martyr Mum and it still pained her in her mid forties. Forget which one it was now.

It is the equivalent to putting a guilt trip on the children for being born.

Making sacrifices is what most parents do, but making that in to putting the kids on to a guilt trip into adulthood for being born is not.

Supernanny inspired thread.

OP posts:
SarahStratton · 14/09/2011 21:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

reelingintheyears · 14/09/2011 21:07

Arse.

BeerTricksPotter · 14/09/2011 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kayano · 14/09/2011 21:11

For gods sake we tell kids 'if you can't say something nice don't say nothing at all'...

That's right , quoting Bambi

Now AIBU does
Not
Necessarily have to be nice but surely someone can start a
Topic for debate without being called Out about Arse Gravy?

I don't know why Mitmoo gets it so often but it's starting to get old

Cocoflower · 14/09/2011 21:11

I dont get it

Why are people so mean to Mitmoo?

NeverKnowinglyUnderDoug · 14/09/2011 21:13

butternut squash gave my DS troubling wind. I've never trusted it since.

LeBOF · 14/09/2011 21:16

Mean? Gentle ribbing, I would call it. For Compulsive Provocative Thread-Starting On A Daily Basis.

Sometimes it's ok to just join in. I'm guessing that is what provokes the eye-rolling.

reelingintheyears · 14/09/2011 21:17

NKUD...

Did it give him beefy eggos?

Highlander · 14/09/2011 21:18

Well fuck me, it was only tonight that I was swigging gin and crying to the DSs how I gave up Brad Pitt for them.

Now I can say the Martyr Mummy gave up BP for YOU!!

I'm liking 'arse gravy'. I like it a lot Grin

RockStockAndTwoOpenBottles · 14/09/2011 21:18

yy Reeling - I make sure my kids know all that too. And, and it's a VERY BIG AND, I would NOT give them my last piece of chocolate in the house.

Highlander · 14/09/2011 21:18

dH is working tonight and I am a bit bored Blush

Salmotrutta · 14/09/2011 21:19